People ask me, “How are you feeling?”

The truth is, I have no idea how I’m feeling. Really. None. All I know is that I’m numb. Completely numb.

And also I’m sick. At least I think I am. I was this morning. But I’m not really sure if I am anymore. You know, being numb and all.

I don’t have any internet.

I don’t even have my computer.

So I don’t have a way to blog really easily.

I don’t even know how or when or if I’m going to blog about this next phase in our lives.

So I guess it’s good that for tonight…I don’t.

I just don’t.

This winter I began running in crazy shoes, giggled as Flurry got covered in chocolate on Daddy’s watch at WalMart, got my eyebrows waxed for the first time, pumped gas, watched the kids try to listen to Lulie’s belly swearing they could hear her kids making noise…

…discovered that my phone had been hijacked and used to take photographs of kitchen appliances, took our MSC to the zoo, saw a bazillion photographs of Small Fry that she took of herself with my phone, smiled as I saw Nuggey fall asleep almost each night with Pippin on his chest, enjoyed the stars from out in the country, prayed for Stellan to kick his pneumonia so he could go home instead of riding around with an IV in a wagon at the hospital, practiced having the kids sit and stand “in order” at the bank and various other establishments, went crazy for the vast expanses of blue sky here, wore a face mask out to the barn to milk the goats early each morning, snapped a picture of Stellan and Small fry looking alike and chomping on apples while peering out the window, watched Small Fry become Tutu’s temporary mother, saw my baby turn into a big boy, learned to make butter from goat milk and tucked Stellan into bed each night with his favorite “blue blankie.” The spring is going to hold some big changes for our family. I am already oddly nostalgic about our winter, even tonight as I look back over this array of silly little photographs. I love my family more than I could ever express, you guys. And this has been our winter.

I got so stressed out during my online Lightroom class tonight that I almost started crying. But I hid it. I’m hiding it from you, too, how I’m really feeling these days. What we’re going through. I am not ready to bare all and pour things out in front of you guys. The time just isn’t right yet. Many thank yous to those of you who, knowing not what season our family is going through, are praying nonetheless.

I shaved my legs today. Yes, it is a noteworthy event.

It’s a sad but true fact that Nikon lenses aren’t advertised as being on sale anywhere nearly as often as Canon lenses are. But if you are a Nikon girl and are tired of hearing me rant and rave about my favorite little inexpensive portrait lens, have I got some news for you. The Nikon equivalent of my favorite lens is finally on sale!!

Grab the 50mm f/1.8 lens right here. We didn’t see the Northern Lights. Did you? I took the kids with me to get a car wash today. It was the first time we washed it in over six months for sure. We cleaned the inside, too, though that must be done more often. One of my license plate lights was out. I didn’t even know there were license plate lights.

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you don’t. I am slowly falling off the working out wagon. I am frustrated with myself. My knees are finally almost better, though. So I want to ease back into things again. But finding the motivation to start again is ending up to be difficult. If only I’d never hurt my knees to begin with, I wouldn’t have had this slow down. In a way, though, I can definitely see God’s hand in this. He needed me less preoccupied for these recent days, I think.

Flurry is jabbering up a storm all of a sudden. I told you he was in his explosion! Today he finally said “Mama”! He also said, “Get out” and “Dora” and “uh-oh” and “ow” and “door.” He has been a quiet little guy for quite some time. My how things are changing. He’s also joined the big boys for their nightly wrestle. He sure can hold his own, our little 17 month old. He jumps onto and off of beds and ottomans and brothers. Just like the others. Man alive are our boys physical, especially the youngest three. They literally run and bounce off the walls for much of the day. Ahh, to have their stamina.

I don’t, though. And I’m pooped. Goodnight!

Nuggey has taken to becoming Roobii’s “trainer.” It’s really the cutest thing ever. He’s always faux “trained” her, but he’s taken things to a new level lately. She follows him around like, you know, a puppy dog. Big Mac can swim in the nine foot part of the pool and even learned to dive! Flurry can now say, “Go!” and “Catch!” Those, plus “goat,” “ow,” “uh-oh,” and “here.” Those are his words right now, but this week he’s been having his little language explosion. Do you know the one?

Oh my word, oh my word! I was mentioning to someone on Facebook the other day that I knew Vibrams (the crazy five fingered shoes I’ve fallen in love with) were pricey and that the next time I came across a good deal, I’d be sure to share it. And sure enough.

Get yerself a pair of these awesome shoes starting at just $39 right here. Seriously.

Think they are ugly as all get out? I used to! Think they are pretty enough to wear to a ball? So did she!

I did a recumbent bicycle with moving arms at the gym. And I just did the arms. It was one of the only other ways I could think of to keep giving my knees needed rest besides swimming.

Our town has an interesting snow plow method. There were mountains of snow in the middle of the road on the main drag.

Life is hard. And good. My windshield got hit by a rock. Cracked it and put a hole in it. Challenges abound for us right now, actually. But in those challenges, unmaneuverable at times by me, there is left open only one real option: the one in which God shows up in a radical way and carries us through storms we couldn’t endure ourselves.

Decision making. This is a theme for me lately. And finding peace in my everyday life. And trusting God. And eating lots of protein.

Goodnight!

The bug problem persists at our house, even though for a while we thought it was over and even now it’s under control. It’s a big frustration, and our landlord sadly refuses to help. We’ve been taking care of it the best way we know how and have been trying to come to a fair and agreeable solution. Some big decisions about how we will move forward from here though will be made soon. What is best for our family? That’s my focus.

Lulie still hasn’t given birth. I honestly cannot believe it. I dream about her, the other night it was that I was able to watch her give birth. She is so wide, I feel terrible for her. Except that I praise her when she holds off; it won’t be fun for anyone if she gives birth during the bitter cold we’re experiencing lately.

One of our newest management techniques when the kids and I are out and about is “order.” We have been practicing it for over a month now, and everyone loves it. Things are so much calmer, more predictable and even safer when we are out in public. When lining up at a door, I will say, “order at the door” and they all scurry to their places. Big Mac first all the way down to Stellan last. I hold Flurry as he hasn’t got the hang of this yet. “Reverse order on the right side of the grocery cart” as we are passing another shopper gets me the children lined up from youngest in the front of the cart all the way to Big Mac standing by me. Our MSC made up “second order” which basically means Small Fry is first and the rest can get into any order behind her. It is so much nicer to walk single file into the family bathroom, stand in line at the front desk at the gym or even cross streets like that. As soon as whatever moment that called for order passes, I call out, “out of order!” and the kids can mix back up and walk wherever and however they want.

For snacktime at the gym the other day after I worked out, I asked them all to “go sit in order on the orange couch.” They did!

Can you spot my pink bag off in the distance? Yeah. It’s my camera bag and also my gym bag. I was able to get their apples and granola bars ready without them climbing on me or running away. “Order” has revolutionized my life, I am serious.

Oh and speaking of spotting things, I have discovered that Nuggey has a serious talent for finding Waldo. Dude’s amazing at it. Big Mac is done with most of what he needs, scholastically speaking, to learn in first grade. We’ve been taking it easy with homeschool lately, but I’m sure before long we’ll pick up with some second grade stuff. I won’t tell him that, though. He’s in first grade. That’s all that needs to matter to him.

I have now lost 30 pounds. My knees, ever since one blasted day when I ran without my nice new shoes, are still giving me trouble. I’ve been swimming laps in the pool for workouts lately therefore. 30 pounds. I am so happy. And also now only down to my full term pregnant weight when I was expecting Big Mac. Nice. I’m a big old fat swollen pregnant woman. With no cute baby inside her tummy. Oh well. I am 30 pounds closer to where I want to be. And my yoga pants literally slid off my hips today. Away they went; I’ll never wear them again. I have lived in those pants for months and months and months. And now they stretchy old things won’t stay up without a belt. And one can’t exactly wear a belt with yoga pants. So I dug in my drawers for a dusty old pair of smaller yoga pants.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know in parting that I’ve never done a minute of yoga in my entire life.

1. My husband and I are struggling in our marriage right now. It is mostly my fault. I owe more to my kids and family than to not be the wife God has called me to be. Will you pray for me?

2. Small Fry can swim. I mean, really swim! She can swim the front crawl, kicking and go almost the length of the pool. The big boys are getting there, too. But she rocks my goggles off!

3. My husband and I are both very much in support of what we know so far about Ron Paul. Will I vote for him in November? Maybe. I really don’t know yet. But this article a friend sent to me makes me even more interested in possibly doing just that. No, I don’t think it’s impolite or wrong to “talk politics”. In case you hadn’t noticed.

4. Fletch and Fleur are in the barn, doing well.

5. Tilly surprised us all and gave birth yesterday to a baby girl. We were sure Lulie would go next. Tilly didn’t even look pregnant. Lulie is a wide as a house. Our MSC named Tilly’s new baby Tutu. Her photographic debut will be in my MckMama newsletter, coming out tomorrow. Don’t get my newsletter but want to? You can sign up for it right here.

6. I have the best sister in the whole wide world. Seriously.

7. The cookies we made the other day were devoured by Many Small Mouths before I could even think about photographing them.

8. There are still a few spots in my very last two online photography classes this month.

9. I have lost 27 pounds. And I’m not looking back.

10. The Kindle version of the popular book Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider is free right now!!! Seriously. Get it for your Kindle, Nook, computer or mobile phone right here.

11. Stellan is feeling much, much better. Yesterday was the first day in ages that he didn’t say to me, “Mom? I’m sick.”

12. Big Mac has started a series of building classes using Legos as the construction medium.

13. Well over an hour after I thought she had gone to bed, I found Small Fry in the upstairs bathroom the other night, standing in front of the mirror. She had Christmas wrap around her chest, a pink blanket tucked into the back of her shirt (as her “cape”), a wide piece of velvet Christmas ribbon (her “holster”) about her waist which held a scrub brush and hair brush (both were her “weapons”) and round Christmas ornaments dangling from different pieces of her pajamas and some of her appendages. “What?” she looked up at me as I came in, acting incredulous that I’d be staring at her at 9:30 at night with my eyes as wide as saucers. “I’m just dressing up as a superhero before bed.” Like it happens every night or something.

14. The bug problem continues to be a struggle at the farmhouse and, for a few different reasons, it’s not looking like it’s going to be able to be taken care of. We are probably going to use this obstacle as an opportunity to move on. Perhaps you would pray that we as a family would be open to God’s direction and not our own as we, more specifically I, have been so selfishly prone to do in the past.

15. I think I need a knee replacement. Just kidding. But it really does still hurt.

16. And, finally, it’s cold here. Like, really, really cold. Even by Frozen Tundra standards. And it’s snowing!