Stellan’s hospitalization for SVT

Elevator behavior fascinates me.

Well, not the behavior of elevators themselves. That I don’t find fascinating at all, as I’m about as mechanically inclined as a hedgehog.*

*Animals which are not the least bit mechanically inclined. Or so I’ve been told. Or at least I doubt they are. I can’t really say for sure. But I bet they’re totally not.

Ahem.

What I actually find fascinating is the behavior of people riding in elevators together with strangers. And, since living with Stellan in the hospital for over a month now, always on floors other than ground, I have had plenty of time to study the elevator behavior of others. And of myself.

Just watch for it the next time you ride one. I swear (Except I usually don’t.) it’s as true back home in the Midwest as it is here on the East Coast. Plus, I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve been lots of other places and, as I recall, elevator behavior was similar in all those locales, too.

There are unspoken rules that must be followed when riding in an elevator with a stranger, it seems. However, in my observation, those rules are not in effect until inside the elevator. Outside the elevator, the rules don’t apply. Life carries on as normal, someone pushes the up or the down button, people make small talk, sip their coffee, smile at each other and exchange pleasantries while waiting for the elevator to open.

But once the elevator doors slide open, the rules for proper elevator behavior go instantly into effect. It’s an unexplained social phenomenon, but it happens every time. In fact, you can almost feel the weight of the unspoken rules as you step over the threshold, being careful not to look down that little slit between the floor and the elevator for fear of triggering your acrophobia.

Or maybe that last part is just me.

Anyway, once inside the elevator, these unspoken social rules begin to apply. All strangers riding in elevators together abide by these rules each and every time they ride the lift, or so it has seemed in my observation. I am not sure who came up these rules in the first place, or how it is that everyone knows them and abides by them so well. But someone did, and people do. I tell you, it’s an unexplained social phenomenon. I’m not here to explain it, only to impart my observations about it.

In my estimation, the rules for elevator behavior when riding with a stranger are as follows:

1. Upon entering the elevator, stand as far away from the stranger as possible. If they are front left, press your body into the back right. Or vice versa. This gets complicated when there are multiple strangers in the elevator, but you’ll figure it out.

2. Don’t breathe while in the elevator. If you must breathe, do so very quietly so the other person can’t tell you are actually breathing.

3. Keep the space in the elevator as quiet as possible. Try not to make noises with your feet or your mouth. Under no circumstances should you speak to the stranger in the elevator. The only allotment is a two word limit, if floor direction is needed, for example, “Eight, please.” Even if you had just been conversing to the stranger before you stepped onto the elevator, cease and desist immediately once entering the lift and confirming your desired floor. Guttural sounds are discouraged, as are audible bodily functions. Avoid those if at all possible. Maintain complete silence for the duration of the ride.

4. As if your life depended upon it, do not make any eye contact with the stranger on the elevator. Appropriate places for your eyes to land are: on your cell phone, on the floor, and either at or above the doors of the elevator.

5. Take some time to stare at the floor numbers as they light up in sequence. Silently will your floor’s number to come as quickly as humanly possible.

6. Do everything in your power to create as awkward of an experience as possible while riding in the elevator with the stranger. Give off the vibe that you want nothing more in the world that for the brief ride to be over, as it is all but torturous.

7. Go so far as to pretend you can’t even see the other strangers in the elevator and don’t know they are there.

8. As the elevator nears your floor, step towards the door. As the door slides open, try to sidle out before there is even enough room to get your body through the opening. This will add to the perception that riding in the elevator with a stranger was so uncomfortable, you couldn’t bear for it to last even a moment longer than it needed to.

9. Exit the elevator. Go about your merry way, feeling free to speak with others once you are out of the elevator.

10. Repeat this behavior each and every time you ride an elevator with a stranger. Subsequent blogging about it is entirely optional.