“But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is!”

“By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see.”

“Eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of His divine being.”

“So nobody has a good excuse.” Romans 1:19-20, the Message

Nobody has a good excuse. Wow.

Those words from the Bible have long intrigued and almost frightened me. We are without excuse for knowing somewhere in our hearts that there is a God. Intense, don’t you think? The nature of God is revealed for each of us to see in…nature. His invisible qualities are made known to us by just looking at what is seen.

When our butterfly emerged today, I was flooded with a sense of awe about God’s creation. Pondering His creation led me to ponder Him and His qualities. He is real. In our hearts, we all have the chance to know He is real. We are without excuse of God’s existence, in fact.

The butterfly, and all of God’s creation, are living proof that there is a God.

Seeing Old Faithful last week was a spiritual experience. I didn’t expect that at all. “Why do they call it ‘Old Faithful,’ Mom?” As I was explaining it it as best I could to my children, I couldn’t help but simultaneously think of God, the true faithful one. God is so faithful, but I’m having a hard time living in that truth right now.

You see, tonight, I’m not doing so well. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. But He is faithful.

I am out of the hospital finally, no longer feeling an ounce of kidney discomfort, but am struggling with some different (somewhat expected) physical symptoms that are leaving me reeling. But He is faithful.

I am walking through some deep emotional waters that I’m not ready to talk about on my blog yet, and the pain and fear I am encountering in these waters is acute. But He is faithful.

Spiritually, I am feeling dry. Parched. Having not fed myself from the Bible the way I know I need to, nor drank from the sweet, refreshing promises God has for me the way I should, I am not surprised. Indeed, distant, dry and dusty are words that sum me up spiritually tonight. But He is faithful.

What does that mean, He is faithful? To be honest, tonight, I don’t exactly know. But from what I do know of God’s character, what I’ve learned in His Word, how I’ve experienced him in my exactly 34 years now on this earth, there are a few things I know it does not mean.

That God is faithful does not mean He will always come through for me the way I want, if only I pray hard enough, believe, have faith, do good. He may not come through the way I want. That God is faithful does not mean I can know for sure that I’ll be given relief from the physical symptoms I’m facing. I may not. That God is faithful does not mean this emotional burden will be lifted from me. It very well may remain, and I may emerge on the other side of this not in the way I’m praying I will. That God is faithful does not mean the thing that I’m fearing deep in my core won’t really happen, that God will protect me from it. It might happen; God may choose not to intervene. That God is faithful does not mean He will make me feel spiritually connected to Him with a wave of His wand, though I have chosen to drift from Him.

Tonight, I’m not doing so well.

When I know in my head that God is faithful but am having a hard time feeling it in my heart, there are a few things I could do. I could turn to the world, to friends (even well intentioned ones), to my own deep, personal thoughts, trying to make sense of things myself. Or I can turn to the things that I know are true. 100% true. My head and heart aren’t beating as one tonight, so I am looking in the only place on earth where I can stake my flag in some solid ground. The world, friends, even my own conscience and thoughts are telling me different things. I need some unshakable truths.

I may not know, or remember, what God being faithful means, but I am about to remind myself. There are a few promises God has made that I can cling to when physically, emotionally and spiritually I am fading away. He always keeps His promises. And tonight I’m going to grab onto a few of them and not let go. Here are a few of God’s steadfast promises bringing me peace tonight:

By reading these promises of God’s in the Bible, I remember: God is faithful. He is faithful even when I don’t feel it, even when I don’t see it, even when I doubt it.

Tonight, I’m not doing so well. But I look at this photograph of Old Faithful and remember, God keeps His promises. He is faithful.

And that’s enough for me tonight.

The snake that bit this man, who was sleeping on the ground in Garmaam, Ethiopia when we were there last month, is dead. He injected venom into this man’s shoulder. But the snake did not kill his victim.

The snake, however, was himself killed.

In the Bible, satan is referred to as a snake. That is the form he took in the Garden of Eden when he tempted Eve to betray God. I often think that, as Christians, we can forget that satan does have dominion on earth and is the controller of the evil in our world. God lets satan spread destruction on earth. In doing so, he fulfills God’s purposes.

Although I know that a cosmic battle between good and evil is waging all around us, I do not fear, though. Do you know why?

Because Jesus has already defeated satan.

It’s a tricky thing, since Jesus already died on the cross but has not come back yet to permanently vanquish evil. We live in an “already” but “not yet” kind of time. Satan is alive and well on earth, yet in the most truest sense, the snake is already dead. I have faith in Jesus, accept what He did on the cross for me by dying for my sins, and have the confidence that Jesus has already won the victory over God’s enemies, including satan.

But for now, on this earth before Jesus returns, 2 Corinthians 4:4 says that satan is “the god of this age who has blinded the minds of unbelievers.” But we are told to “take heart! I have overcome the world.” Spiritual warfare has been on my mind quite a bit lately. As some of you know, there was a website devoted to mocking me, pointing out my flaws (I have many!), digging up dirt about our family’s past (and present!) and using it, as well as many assumptions and conclusions, to paint me as a liar, deceiver and other things.

I say was, because that website is now no longer.

I wanted to let you know that our family decided some time ago to move forward in ways that we could against people who have harassed and bullied our family, even after we asked them to stop. We are working on taking action as well against those who have said untrue things about us, intent on maligning me and defaming my character, with those who have bombarded companies and charities with emails and calls with the intent of having my relationship with them severed, and with the people who create and maintain websites with an environment conducive to that kind of behavior. There were physical threats and other types of threats as well, but the harassment, lies and interfering with relationships were the most common things that happened, leading us to decide to no longer put up with it. I believe very firmly in free speech, realize that my public platform opens me up to receiving both positive and negative feedback and that our rocky marriage and financial past coupled with my tendency to be sarcastic and sometimes snarky further made me a target, but the truth remains: No one deserves to be lied about, harassed, threatened or be the target of what our family has been the target of. Even though we have been, as believers in Jesus, we want to respond in love, grace and forgiveness. After all, we have been loved, given grace and offered much forgiveness. However, that does not mean we cannot take a stand when wronged in criminal and civil ways. We are doing that and will continue to do that when our rights as Americans are infringed upon.

But.

But just because a website is down does not mean the battle is over. The site may be down, but I am sure the hatred against me still rages. Not to mention, I have so much work to keep doing on myself it isn’t even funny. God has allowed refining fires in my life. I can let them burn me out or allow them to purify me. It’s painful, but I want to be purified. I long to be ever increasingly above reproach. I want to know Him, to love others, to never stop working on myself, to be the best wife and mother I can be, and to be able to accept God’s unconditional love and forgiveness for me when I fail.

Clearly, the battle on earth is not over, either. Satan still has dominion on this world. We are all affected by him, and…understand this…I am not saying that people or websites against me are satan. Or are snakes. They aren’t. But satan is real. He is a liar and a deceiver and in him there is no good. His snaky ways permeate our world.

To that end, I will not “gloat when [my] enemy falls.” Proverbs 24:17 says, “When he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice.” May I ask you to do the same, dear ones? Let there be no na-na-nah-boo-boo-ing. Please talk only with love and encouragement to those who speak otherwise. People who are intent on maligning me have made mistakes and have been intentionally hateful, and I will forgive them. I have made mistakes and have been intentionally hateful.

But just because I…and others…have lied, done things wrong and failed time and time again does not give anyone the right to speak ill about them.

Quite the contrary. The fact that negativity about me can be found on the internet makes me want to be all the more loving. God says in Proverbs 22:11 that “he who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.” My speech will be gracious towards my detractors, whether they quit harassing us now or not until Jesus returns. Lord, please help my “gentleness be evident to all,” Philippians 4:5.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “hate does not drive out hate.” Only love can do that. Will you join me in loving people who hurt me? And love those who hurt you, too? There is no victory in relationships being severed. No victory in having to take legal action against people who harass you. No victory in mocking others or rejoicing when they fail. There is victory in love. “If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” I Cornithians 13:12

And let us never forget that no matter what we face on this earth, as Christians we are secure in the knowledge that the snake is dead. Isaiah 27:1 promises that “God will unsheathe his sword, his merciless, massive, mighty sword. He’ll kill that old dragon that lives in the sea.”

And in the meantime, I will love my family, honor my husband, blog about what God is doing in my life and love those who want to harm and embarrass me by rubbing my own very real failures in my face. I will focus on growing, overcoming my failures, returning hate with love, focusing on the ways God wants to use hurts in my life to refine me, and rest in Him even if five websites pop up about me for every one that shuts down. Satan may win battles, but God has won the war.

Matthew 5:11 says, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Facing up to our own very real shortcomings is hard. Having to publicly face ridicule is no fun. But, although we must pursue things when our family and livelihood are threatened, I still have only kind words for those who dislike me:

You have hurt me with the ways you try to get me to own up to my mistakes. I have caused myself plenty of my own pain, heartbreak and embarrassment in my life, and instead of loving and supporting me through that, you kicked me when I was down. But I love you. I forgive you. I have done so much wrong, have been filled with evil, have lied and had ill thoughts. Yet I long so much for you to know the peace at the end of each day that God loves you unconditionally, too, if you don’t yet. Thank you for desiring to see me face my inappropriate actions. May I learn from my mistakes and strive to be a better person, filled with positivity and never with bitterness or negativity. I love you. I forgive you.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Lord, help me to be a peacemaker, to not rejoice when the snake is wounded and killed, but to be thankful that you created a way for my own very snaky ways to be forgiven and redeemed and to pray for others to embrace that forgiveness and redemption.

This isn’t a victory. It’s yet another chance for me to keep learning to love as Christ would have me love.

I wrote and published a post this morning, apologizing to you all. I was, and remain, overwhelmed at the responses, full of grace, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness, that you left for me. Thank you.

Peppered throughout were of course the handful of, “You’ll never change,” and “Haven’t we heard this before!?” comments. I cannot say that I blame people who think this way. Certainly only time will tell if I really shed the negativity and sarcasm that I have allowed to thrive in my prideful heart. I have made commitments in the past and have broken them. Why should I, or you for that matter, believe this time will be any different?

I think I know why.

Because this time is different. Every moment in life, we have a new chance to do better. Every breath can be a new beginning if we let it. Tonight, I went out to dinner with my sister and some close girlfriends. On the way there, I heard a song on the radio that was new to me. I am not one of those people who usually gets moved by music. I’m much more visually and intellectually inspired. But this evening, God brought me to my knees with Jason Gray‘s song I Am New.

The things that the world would love for me to believe, that I’ve messed up too many times before to be trusted now, that I’m a cheat and a liar, that the sarcastic words I have uttered define me, that I am not truly going to change, that I should be ashamed at how many times I’ve fallen and had to start again, that my actions prove I don’t really have it in me to be the woman of God I say I want to be….all of these things are not true. They are not the way God sees me.

With a beautiful freshness, Jason Gray’s song, the lyrics from which are in bold in this post, reminded of the things that are true about me. In a new light, I heard God speak to me about who I really am. Our eyes focusing on our past mistakes, perseverating on the times we’ve messed up before, those are not the things God wants us to do. He longs for us to understand that He loves us in our humanity. Our imperfect, flawed humanity. He loves me, even as a repeat offender, as much today as he did on the day I was born. God doesn’t see my sin and my mistakes when He looks at me. Instead, He sees me as how I really am.

I hope that this video might bless and encourage some of you. If nothing else, take it as an almost miraculously perfect illustration of the state of my heart right now. Shedding the past, looking towards the future, focusing on the truths about the way God views me, giving no voice to the way satan would like to shame me.

Yes, these are the things that are true about me. I am not who I was, and I won’t hide in the shadows in shame. Climbing back up today, and next time when I fail again, I will keep remembering that while I am still in the process of being made more like Jesus, God already sees me as perfect.