Sometimes, I feel angry.
I’m angry that my husband left. I’m angry at myself for how I failed him as a wife. I’m angry because of how this all is affecting our family. I’m angry.
Sometimes.
For the most part, though, I can’t choose to live in my anger. I’m far too human to keep my righteous anger separate from my sinful anger for very long. So these days I let myself feel anger and then sit tight and let the anger pass. It always does.
Everyone once in a while, I feel like saying (Who am I kidding? I feel like shouting.) to the world, “I’m angry! My husband told me over a month ago he was going to leave, and he did. And I’m angry!” But then I get afraid. Can I tell you what I’m afraid of? I’m afraid that some people will respond, “Yes, of course you’re angry. It’s okay. You have a right to be angry. You deserve to be angry!” And I don’t want to hear that. Well, my selfish, human side wants to hear that, of course. In my weak moments, I would love nothing more than to feel justified in my anger, to be given an excuse for my actions. But that will do neither me nor my journey any good, I fear.
However, it is true: I do deserve to be angry.
The moment I would begin to lay claim to what I deserve, though, a whole ‘nother side opens up. If I am going to declare that I want what I deserve, I had best be prepared to accept other things that I deserve. Let’s see. What else do I deserve? Well, for starters, since I have sinned, I deserve a lifetime of separation from God. Hmmm. No chance at Heaven. An eternity in Hell. Is that really what I want? Do I honestly want what I deserve?
I don’t think so.
God sent his Son to the earth to die for us so that we don’t have to get what we deserve. He took, by dying on the cross, our deserved punishment for us.
Maybe I’m getting to philosophical for you. Too borderline religious. But these are the things I think about. If I am willing to accept what Jesus did for me, setting me free from getting what I deserve, maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to lay claim to other things I think I deserve.
Sure, I deserve to be angry. At myself. At my husband. At the situation. And plenty of my anger is righteous anger.
But, my friend, plenty of my anger is not righteous. Or at the very least, much of my anger could quickly turn the corner into sinful anger if I rode the wave that was swelling. So I’m trying to avoid going there altogether. Since I don’t get from God what I deserve, I figure the very least I can do is not try to stand firm in regards to what I think I deserve. It’s also why I am working on not shooting eye daggers at my husband’s photographs in frames around our new house. It’s why I try to think thoughts of redemption and healing about him and about myself, instead of thoughts of resentment and hatred.
It’s not always easy. Or ever, to tell you the truth. But it’s right.
Sinful anger is wrong. We know, or at least I do, that my anger has taken a wrong turn when it leads me to be focused on the person at whom I’m angry, instead of at the situation. As I tend to think about someone getting what they deserve instead of hoping they experience freedom and forgiveness, I know my anger is misplaced. Sinful anger tells us, “I can’t let him get away with that. It’s wrong. I must make sure he pays.” But that isn’t what God has modeled for us, is it?
God’s anger is always righteous anger.
What does that mean? To me, it means that God’s anger, and ours if we choose to stick to the healthy kind of this intense emotion, isn’t selfish. It doesn’t focus on how He was wronged. Likewise, we shouldn’t focus on how we have been wronged. When I think about everything our children are missing, are experiencing without their Daddy right now, on how sad that makes me, my focus is shiftings towards being selfish. Instead, like it or not, I must be thinking not how the expectations I have on my husband as a father and a mate are not being met right now. I feel as a follower of Christ I must keep my eyes off of how I think I’ve been wronged.
And time and time again, it never fails to get my thinking in line when I realized how very much I have wronged God with all of my poor decisions and thoughts throughout my life and how He has paid me back by continuing to love and forgive me.
I think only good things will happen, friends, if we try to love others, even (and especially) those at whom we are tempted to feel very angry, the way God has loved us.
Sometimes, I’m angry. But please don’t encourage me to stay in that emotion; don’t remind me that I deserve to be angry. Because ultimately, I don’t really want what I deserve. Sometimes, I’m angry.
But I’m trying not to be.
I don’t comment on here often, but I did want to say to make sure that you allow yourself to process your anger.
DH & I have been thru some very rough patches ourselves the past couple of years, and although this has been going on for several years, it’s just been recently that all the anger I have has started bubbling to the surface. It’s almost as if once it starts festering, it just keeps boiling until it blows.
While some of my anger is righteous anger, like you plenty of it is not. And since I did not deal with it for 2 years, it is much harder to control now. This has been a HUGE struggle of mine recently. Please allow yourself time to process this emotion now, as it is happening. Don’t be like me & let it fester and grow inside of you! Please!
Continuing to pray for you & your family…
Continued Prayers that reconciliation, healing, and God’s love will pour out on you all!
Have you ever heard of Peacemaker Ministries? www(dot)hispeace(dot)com Our Sunday School has just finished going through the book Resolving Everyday Conflict. In it they talk about the freedom you get when you forgive offenses before forgiveness is even asked for. Sounds like that is what you are doing and you will be better for it. A better woman, and mother to those sweet kids, free of bitterness and hardness that comes from unforgiveness. I am praying for ALL of you during this difficult time.
I read your post and am glad you understand life and God who is so merciful to us, His children. Remember God is in your desert that you are going through. He is your shade, your strength and holds you by your right hand. Psalm 73:23-26, Keep your eyes on Jesus! Hebrews 12:1-2…Keep on going, faithfully to the finish line! Hugs and prayers for your family right now.
“Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That’s why it’s called the present”.
Thinking of and praying for you always.
This may sound harsh, but isn’t it time to put on your big girl panties, suck up the fact that he is gone and may not ever come back and just move forward? I mean you are making money off your blog again and will be able to support your kids, maybe even pay back some of that debt and forgive yourself? This whole thing seems like you can’t forgive yourself for him leaving, well let me tell you, you weren’t the only reason he left!
I agree with Suzi – I also hope you find someone (or someone finds you) that will love and cherish YOU for who you are and give your children a father figure with constant love. This absence makes me angry. I do wish you the best – I’m just not sure what that is.
It takes alot bigger panties to stay! Alot bigger and no matter what you will be blessed. Keep believing for your husbands return and lovin’ on those adorable babies of yours!
I’m proud of you and your choice to choose to look at this and how Jesus is loving and forgiving. I’ve walked in your shoes… Or, your husbands. I had a major head trama which left me without my memory. Of, anything. I woke not knowing who I was. I left my husband and two boys because I was selfish and didn’t realize who they were. My husband prayed. Many prayed. I lived with people I didn’t know. Eventually after months, my life was at a point if I didn’t get away I would have died. They knew. They prayed. God reached me. I was secretly escorted out of danger by police. My family and husband not only forgave me but, welcomed me home with open arms. I regained my memory in pieces. I still get little things back here and there. But, God restored our 9 year marriage. We still struggle. I struggle with guilt alot. But, I said all this because Jesus held me. Jesus held my husband and young boys. People prayed. He answered. I’m praying for you and your children. But, also for you husband.
Beautifully and inspirationally written, Jennifer. Thank you so much for sharing.
I am praying for you and your family. You may already be doing this but read the Bible everyday. Even if you just flip it open and look down and read one little verse. I read Proverbs. There are 31 chapters so you can read the chapter for the day of the month. God’s word is the only thing that turned my mourning into dancing.
Dear MckMama,
I have followed your blog for the last couple of years. I am sad to hear of your recent separation.
Anger is a tough emotion, and it’s also a surface emotion…it usually covers up something deeper such as sadness. It is ok to feel the emotions that come, just try to let the anger go (although it’s so much easier said than done!!)
It’s not helpful to anyone to hang onto anger, resentment, and pain. I’m sure you know this, even though sometimes we feel we deserve to be angry. When we choose to be in these states we are also allowing ourselves to be victims. It’s also easy for people to be judgemental and for people to give advice of what they think a person SHOULD do in a particular situation. Generally, people have very good intentions and want the best for the people they care about. The interesting thing for me is that I believe as humans we are all broken to an extent. We all have our problems and issues whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual…and the more we try to be understanding, patient, kind and accepting of ourselves and others, the more we grow and truly follow in the footsteps of Christ. I do not know or claim to understand the dynamics of you and your husband, and whether or not it is healthy for the two of you to be together or not. I wish you much peace and love in this difficult time and hope you can find and hold onto the inner strength you need to overcome this time in your life. I don’t know if this will help you, but in difficult times throughout my own life, I have tried to understand what lessons I am supposed to be learning in the situation in order to continue to grow as an individual and be able to help others.
Thinking of you and your MSC. Wishing you peace, love and happiness…
Amy
The kicker is we all DESERVE death and hell. Thankfully we are given the power to choose something greater! There is a time for everything, but just remember if you allow Him, He will soften your heart, and you can choose something greater. I can’t begin to put myself in your place and try to understand, but I know He is faithful, and I know He is greater. I also know the Lord is allowing you to go through this because He knows you can handle it. Our God is greater. Our God is stronger. Rest in His peace and His ever-present love for you, not matter how you are feeling!
Always praying for you, friend!
We have a song in our hymn book called count your many blessings that goes a little like this count your many blessings name them one by one when the day is done and so on. When I do this I realized at how blessed I am. Look at Stellans miracle and the 4 others you are blessed with. I know your heart is hurting and all you can do is give it to the Lord and he will take care of you.
Just like I tell my children, it’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to feel sad sometimes. If you’re angry, own it. You have a right to feel however you do. No one can take away your feelings, ever, no matter what. I hope things look up for you in the near future. Your children are blessings. Concentrate on them. You are so fortunate to be able to stay home with them and nuture them. Count your blessings.
I am honestly confused about something. I follow the difference between righteous anger and selfish, sinful anger and I like the message. However, if I put this together with your recent post about God’s anger (likes? dislikes?) I stop understanding. So God has righteous anger about divorce or sinful anger about it? God always loves us but he hates divorce so we shouldn’t divorce…lest he become angry or disappointed? I’m really trying to work this one out.
I think it is that God only has righteous anger. He is unable to sin. He hates sin…that includes divorce, yet he loves us despite our sins. Not sure if that helps….
I don’t think just because someone is angry means they want revenge or to destroy that person. The people I have been the angriest with in my life, I never think, “I must make sure they pay.” I just want them to change their actions. Anger can also be a positive motivator for us to change. We can realize that we are no longer going to suffer in a certain way and therefore, we change. And I don’t believe that we can’t “lay claim” to what we deserve because we are all sinners. I also think that part of the Christian faith is taking responsibility for your family, I believe that is a huge part of my faith. If people truly took care of their families, this world would be a much better place. Recognizing that your husband caused this situation, to me, isn’t sinful. Does it mean that you can’t reconcile? Of course not.
Praying for only goodness and blessings for you and your family.
Agreed!
A Letter to My Children About Marriage
This letter, written by Kelly Crawford, is worth reading.(http://www.ingodsimage.com/?p=8575)
Dear Children,
Should the Lord give you the good gift of a husband or wife, and I hope He does, there are a few things I want you to know. Things that you may not hear from anyone else, and certainly not on TV or other media. Sadly, your brothers and sisters in Christ may not even tell you.
Marriage, sweet little people, is not for the purpose of your happiness. Happy as I want you to be and hope you will be, you must yet understand that marriage is God’s design and His purposes must be pursued in order for you to be truly happy. His end is holiness and He will use all things in a life devoted to Him to fulfill that end.
To my girls:
Marry a man whose first pursuit is Christ. After that, he is not hard to please. Admire him, cheer him on and show gratitude, and he will fall over himself trying to please you. Smile often, speak well of him always, and do whatever necessary to try and maintain a pleasant mood about you so that it transfers to your home, making it a place where he and your children love to be.
You’ll have bad days of course, crying days even, and that’s when you go to your bedroom, kneel on the floor and beg the Lord to carry you. Then get up, get a fresh perspective (crayons will come off the wall), and try again. Above all else, make a home.
To my boys:
Marry a woman whose first pursuit is Christ. After that, she may be hard to please
only if you don’t know “the secret”. What is that? I’m glad you asked. The secret to pleasing your wife is to make her feel safe and treasured. You may have to move out of your comfort zone to do this at times. She won’t always readily translate the oil change to love, though it means that. But let me give you a “secret question”—a question you need to ask her often. It’s not just in the asking, though. Be sure to focus your eyes on hers, maybe even touch her shoulder or face, and then ask: “What’s on your mind these days?” And then be ready to listen. She wants you to draw her out. She will perceive this as your protection over the matters of her heart. Tenderness, listening, protection. That’s what she wants.
To you all:
If your wife or husband does something really stupid, forgive. If they do it again, forgive again. Forgiveness must be the propelling force in your lives each day. Dwell on the strengths, push out thoughts of their weaknesses. Take every thought captive—choose to love.
Here’s that part you are not going to hear often:
If you find yourself “not happy,” having lost attraction, disinterested, etc., you are not permitted to even think about a divorce. If you find yourselves arguing more and more, don’t think for a minute that “the children will be better off out of this,” because they won’t.
The vows you took on your wedding day were not suggestions. They were covenant vows, before a holy God, family and friends, to stay with this person the rest of your life, even if you don’t feel like it. You swore a solemn oath and if you can’t live up to it, don’t get married. Decide up front that your marriage is irrevocable. There is far more motivation for getting along if your “marriage house” has no door.
Do not share intimate thoughts or feelings with anyone of the opposite sex. Do not find yourself alone for any length of time with such either.
Divorce is not a “private option.” It will affect multiple families for many generations. When you “separate what God has joined” you permanently injure far more than just yourself.
Guard your marriage as fiercely as you would guard your own life. Treat your spouse as an extension of your flesh, just as God sees you. Treat your spouse like other family members. You know, “you gotta love ‘em, they’re the only family you’ve got.”
I want you to be happy, I surely do. But I will pray for you to be holy.
Related Posts with Thumbnails
Mary, Thank you for posting this …. it’s lovely. I’m sending it to each of my children.
Mary, this is a beautiful letter and I agree with the theory behind it. But I do have to ask, what about the woman that is in an abusive relationship or the man for that fact? How do they apply this letter to their situation? Are the children better off for the marriage to stay in tact? What about the wife and / or husband whose spouse suffers from a mental illness, bipolar disorder in my case, who refuses to stay on their medication? I have forgiven many times over the last twelve years, but forgiveness is becoming old these days. Especially when you see your twelve year old son hide from his father – not because of physical abuse, but the verbal and emotional toll that it is taking on the family unit. How, I ask in all sincerity does one continue to honor the vows that was taken on their marriage day? I struggle with this constantly.
Hi Kelsey,
As a believer I think that divorce is allowed in certain situations-infidelity, marriage to an unbeliever who wants out, and abandonment, however, abuse is not mentioned specifically, yet I believe you have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children. I believe that in the case of abuse, there should be separation, counseling, and divorce if the situation cannot be resolved. I ultimately think that emotional and verbal abuse is abuse and you need to protect you and your son-if your son is scared and there is no stability, set boundaries and separate if your husband cannot abide by those, seek counseling, and use divorce as a last option(this came from my pastor). I too would struggle with forgiveness in your situation. As an RN I see the effects of mental illness in my patients and their families on a daily basis and yet I would never presume to “know” what it is like. My heart aches for you and your son. I try to explain to the families that even though the patient looks normal, they aren’t. They don’t think like us, they can’t. I get that. For whatever reason, and I don’t know it, you were chosen for this role, God will not forsake you. The letter was intended(I think) for believers on how marriage should be…what God desires it to be. We are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God…yet that should be what we strive for in marriage. Is it always easy, NO. I too have been married for 12 years and he doesn’t have a mental illness, and its hard, however, if I keep my eyes on Jesus, everything else falls away. Easy-not in the least. Worth the effort-Absolutely! I am praying for you, in all sincerity, that God will show you His will for your life. Praying for your sweet son, that he realizes that above all else he is loved by a Holy Father, which is more precious than gold. That sometimes we don’t know the whys of everything we are faced with, but we as believers know that everything, good and bad, is for the glory of God. All this to say I am so sorry for the burden you carry, I (obviously) don’t have all the answers(but I did seek Godly counsel when writing this)because I do not want to lead you astray in any way. I urge you to seek Godly counsel for you and your son in this situation(if you haven’t), and your husband if he is willing(with mental illness I know they usually aren’t). I am so praying for you guys, that the Lord will provide a hedge of protection around you.
* I posted the letter because I needed to hear it and thought others might too, I in no way wanted to make others feel “less than”…..or appear like I have arrived(I most certainly haven’t).
Mary
Mary
That was beautiful!! When my husband and I were married, at the very young age of him 22 and I just 20, we had talked for the 2 years before we married, and it was already out and on the table that divorce is never an option, UNLESS physical violence were to happen. We have been married now for 11 years, 3 kids and I can honestly say that with open communication, we may have 1-2 fights a year, and that I love that man more today than the day I said I Do!! Thank you for sharing this! I firmly believe that if you say and mean that divorce isn’t an option, it makes you’re marriage stronger, and also easier, because if something goes wrong, that’s never something that’s an option for “fixing” the situation!!
I applaud you for taking the higher road. However. What I have a hard time understanding though is what could you have done that was so horrible that your husband is choosing to punish his children. Because lets face it, he left, you dont know where he lives, he has no phone for his children to contact him…so yes he is punishing them right along with punishing you. For that, if for no other reason, you should be furious. You have said that he was so hurt by what you have done that he has to stay away. Really? You are the bad guy here? Let him be hurt, let him be angry..with you. Making your children pay for your sins? For that alone you should be pissed as hell.
Let me first say, that if I were in Jennifer’s shoes, I just may agree with you completely. But, from a different perspective, I’ve seen people…good people, good parents (as I believe MckDaddy always has been) make mistakes like leaving their children, right or wrong, with the intentions of protecting them. Protecting their children and themselves. Maybe he thinks they would be worse off seeing him going through whatever it is he is going through. Maybe he is afraid he will damage his relationship with them by disrespecting Jennifer. I really have no idea, but from our perspective it is easy to see him as the bad guy, and easy to see this as a huge mistake. I feel like he must trust Jennifer very much and realize the love she has for their children, if he is willing to walk away from them completely for the time being. From what I’ve seen on Jennifer’s posts, he has always been a good father. He is human, and he will mess up. Is it possible that he is in such a state that his children are better off not to see him right now? We can’t really know. I do know that God can restore anything needing to be restored.
Lovely and insightful and interesting. Thank you for taking the time to share.
I think it is important to feel the anger and then let it go. I’m sure losing your husband is similar to the stages of grief, and one of those stages is ANGER. You have to be able to face your emotion, find a coping mechanism and move on through the stages, or else you do risk being stuck in one stage like ANGER. I do think it’s important to recognize why you are angry and having an angry reaction can be useful in leading you towards forgiveness. You are HUMAN and you do have a right to feel a certain way, regardless whether you think so or not.
I don’t think you should try to console yourself. If you are angry, you are angry and there is a place for that even in the bible. So many people before you have been angry and so will so many people after you. The most important thing is not to get lost in anger and understand the source and how to effectively manage that. All the best lady.
THank you.
You said the words I’ve been trying to put together for years. I too was wronged – really, really wronged – by a few people. And I DO have “every right to be angry.” And there is definitely room for me to be righteously angry.
Problem is, I can’t keep my anger righteous either. If I let it stick around, it crosses the line to sin so fast I don’t even notice till afterward.
People tell me all the time, “It’s okay to be angry.”
And I smile and politely say “thank you for caring, but for me, no it’s not.” You have said exactly what I would want them to hear.
So, thank you.
There are already so many good comments here. Praying you will continue to follow what is right, and that your family will be restored.
Oh gosh Mckmama I didn’t know you and your husband decided to separate! I’m praying for God to soften yours and your hubby’s heart and soothe your anger. Focus on your beautiful children who need you now more than ever. One day at a time..
Hi Jennifer,
I am not sure if I have ever posted a comment but I have been following your blog since you were pregnant with Stellan! Just wanted to let you know I have been praying for your family. Recently at my church one of our pastors spoke of how love trumps all. He was referring to choosing not to drink with your buddy that may struggle with alcholism simply to help them. The bottom line was that as believers we can choose to give up our rights for the sake of love. We are not forced to do so but we have the freedom to do so. I thought of that as I read your post. Giving up our rights is one of the hardest things to do but I think when we do is when God truly can minister to our souls and love us the way we so desire to be loved. I guess I am trying to encourage you to keep on keeping on! Stay focused on God. Remember that this situation grieves God even more than you, He knows how much you are hurting. Sorry for such a long comment! ( Psalm 25:16-22 might be of some encouragement or comfort.)
Cindy Agnew
What I always come back to is “Be angry, but in your anger do not sin”. Of course you’re angry – anyone would be angry. It’s what we do with our anger that matters. And husband-bashing and throwing tantrums and letting the anger control your every action would not be healthy for anyone. So I’m not going to be one of the ones who tells you “You SHOULD be angry! Be ANGRY!”. Yes, you ARE angry, but you’ve decided not to sin in your anger. And I for one will continue to pray for strength for you as you walk this path.
Good girl! You keep at it. I know it can be sometimes a minute by minute struggle. Be blessed!
(Does it feel weird to you that I wanted to write, “be blessed, *friend*”? Maybe I feel kinship in your baring of soul and heartache, having felt that stuff myself, even if the situation isn’t exactly the same. Whatever. I guess I’ve been reading for a long time so maybe that’s part of it too.
)
Thank you for writing through your pain. My spirit senses with yours that this is true and Godly. Never let go in the dark what you knew to be true in the light.
beautiul, Reda….I’m clinging to that last sentence.
Great post Jen!!! You are so right, we can have holy anger, but to stay there is a sin. Praying for your family!!!
Lord Jesus, we ask that you would surround Israel with your love. Jesus wrap your arms around him today, let him feel your presence. Please send your Holy Spirit, to speak to him, when his head is lying on his pillow at night. In his most vulnerable time, when he is not distracted, speak to him. Holy Spirit, speak truth to Israel, don’t let him sleep until he quits running from you and from his family. Please show him how special and important he is to you. God we ask for restoration of the McKinney family. Amen
P.S. I KNOW that the Holy Spirit never leaves us. When my son was walking close to the Lord, he told me, “Mom when I was running from God, the Holy Spirit never left me. I would be at a party and feel so convicted for what I was doing. I would look at my friends and think, how can you be so happy and acting like you aren’t doing anything wrong.” My son is running from God again, and I guess you know, this praying mama prays this prayer daily for him. God is faithful. We CANNOT be distracted, keeping our eyes on the circumstances and what we see on the inside. We have to keep our focus on the heart, KNOWING that when we pray, when we ask, GOD is working on the heart and mind.
Praying for you my sweet friend. GOD ALWAYS WINS!!!!!
I MEANT what we see on the OUTSIDE. I even read this before sending. SIGH!!!
We walk fine lines as Christians don’t we? Understanding that this situation is hurtful and wrong and yet not being lured into the bitterness is a fine line. If you don’t understand that what McDaddy is doing is wrong then you can sit and blame yourself for his choice, but if you hold him in contempt you don’t change the situation and you heap hurt all over yourself and your kids. Fine lines. When we say, “until death do we part” and we cut covenant with God Himself…we should NEVER have to feel the searing pain of having ourselves torn in two. It is wrong. When we make that vow we say to our partner, “No matter WHAT you do or how you act I will be here. We are ONE.” We need that covenant so that we can rest assured that we are “safe” in our marriages. Safe to work out our salvation…and to screw it up at times…to model God’s love for us. So, His heart is broken when a marriage betrays His image. When we are affected by another’s human sin…we can rest assured…God alone is faithful. We are thrust deeply into His arms. Now THAT is safety. And from that safety we can pray for healing and for our spouses to return in repentance. We trust that the relationship He has with McDaddy is real and that He can reach his heart better than anyone! That’s what I am going to pray! And I am going to pray for your balance Jennifer, that you can walk those fine lines with grace and truth.
Perfectly said!!!
VERY well said. And, even though it’s HARD, and you won’t do 100% of the time, TRY to not say or do anything that could hinder restoration or redemption of this marriage in the future. Some things are best kept between you and your husband.
<3
When I was SO angry and it was about to consume me, I’d always (try) to remember that God is the ultimate judge, and one day we will all have to answer to HIM for our sins. Ultimately God’s judgement and punishment is WAY more effective than mine- and I’d try to remind myself that my husbands sinful choices were not for me to worry about- and that I had to allow God to make him answer to those choices- not me. This freed me from the incredibly heavy burden that anger placed on my shoulders. Every day- many many times- I had to remind myself of this!!
Wonderfully said! What I see this separation doing for you (and anyone else that is walking the same road) is really bringing home to you that you have to rely on God. Not that you haven’t been before, but we all have periods of being lax in our walk with God. Hopefully your husband will see this and realize that you are the person that God intended for him to be married to. This is a hard road right now, but God will bring good from it. Life isn’t meant to be easy.
Its so very scary to have been walked out on with 5 small children.
Overwhelmed,frightened,resentful, is only to be expected. I truly hope and pray the Daddy is going to support them financially. That alone could put a mother over the edge.I keep thinking he will be back… Because I just don’t know how anyone can walk out on 5 small children. SMH!..ugh!
My Dad commited suicide, and I remember going through these same emotions. I was (sometimes still am) angry, but I knew right from the day it happened that I would CHOSE not to live in anger. I am proud of you for working through this in what seems to be a positive way. I know that my faith helped me in more ways than I can ever say. His word will guide you ( I can see from the post above it already is) and give you encouragement. His promises are real. One of my favorites through the tough times was Jeremiah 29:11…”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
AMEN!
The season you are in with your marriage right now is hard. It’s hard for me – as an internet friend – to not say the things you’ve asked us not to say so I don’t comment. I’m praying for you. I know what it’s like to love someone who no longer loves me (although it was before marriage and children). I’m hopeful that you will have a happy ending. That happy ending may be different than what you’re hoping for but only YOU (with God’s help) can make it happy – one way or the other. Blessings.
Your post almost made me angry…because right now I want to be angry….and your post almost made me spit nails…you are soooo right..thanks for the reminder!
Of course you are angry. Divorce is an ugly thing. My heart does feel your pain and I am so sorry your are going through this. One thing I did when my husband left was cry. I cried a lot. I tried to make a point of not doing in front of my children but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. I hurt deeply. I tried to keep things as normal as possible. I tried very hard never ever to speak meanly about their father in front of them. I decided that if I could not be his wife I still wanted him as my friend. He always paid on time which made things a lot easier. He admired the strong woman I became. We eventully married again. That was 23 years ago.
((((Hugs from NC.))))))
(I can’t say anything to add to what you’ve already told yourself, so I’m just nodding my head in agreement. You’re a smart woman. You should listen to you.
Another wonderful post Jennifer. Anger and unforgiveness are two things that will eat us alive if we allow them to. If we dwell in these places, we won’t grow and that’s definitely not what the Lord wants for us. Thank you for the reminder. Continued prayers for the 7 of you!
Thank you, Camie.
What an excellent message Jennifer. Praise God that we don’t always get what we deserve!!!
I am praying daily for you, Isaiah and the kids as you walk through this trial.
May God continue to Bless, protect and comfort you all.
~Sissy
Great Post. But you are human and you do feel this. I’m sorry for your pain, but most of all I’m so for the children. I pray their Daddy will come home.
Great post, Jennifer. You are absolutely correct. Praying for all of you.
Genny
Jennifer, you are absolutely right. I have been in your situation and the best advice I received was to continue to be the woman God called me to be, no matter what anyone else decides to do. You are STILL married. God has called you to be a wife and mother and you know what the Bible says about that. Let the Holy Spirit lead you because you cannot do this in your own flesh. God WILL “restore the years that the locusts have eaten” Joel 6 or 7? My husband came back, yours can too. God has restored those years back to me. Was it hard? Absolutely. Was I mad at time? Of course. But, when we begin to recognize our own sin and “what we deserve” – it is easier to forgive someone else for choosing the wrong things.
You are so strong Mckmama. I don’t know how you do it…yes I do…with GOD’S help. Keep looking to him.
Mckmama, have you thought about doing a special devotional or something such as The Love Dare right now? Do’t give up. Keep fighting for your marriage, for your husband, and for you. God will help you but fight!! Don’t let the devil get to you and don’t let this pass through your fingers. If you were wrong or did wrong, fix it, make it right. And never stop praying!
It is SO hard sometimes to sort the righteous anger from the selfish anger. I’m tryin to do the same in a situation in my life and it becomes so frustrating sometimes to sort and resort and sort again and still feel angry and confused! I do appreciate your honesty in dealing with the same confusion and my prayers will be with you and your family as you let God lead you through.
I’m reading a book called The Fitting Room by Kelly Minter … It talks about the clothes of virtue that as Believers in Christ we are given to wear. It’s been life changing for me. I’m putting all kinds of bitterness, anger, and actually practicing forgiveness with people for a lifetime of hurt, pain, and shame. My own unforgiveness was effecting every fiber of my being….spiritually, emotionally, physically. And releasing to God what I had considered debts that I believed people owed me (although no apology would ever be good enough to fix what happened to me in the past), giving those things over to God has been life changing and freeing. Anger is a good thing…just make sure it’s directed in the right place. And don’t stay angry too long. The enemy took something very valuable to you and you should be mad as hornets about it. Staying angry isn’t going to fix anything or help you do anything in the situation.
I’m continuing to pray for you and your family.
I’m so sorry this has happened!! I’m honestly surprised because I always saw your family as “happy” and “jovial”. Hearing you two are apart brings up one question. Is this something that can possibly be resolved? You don’t have to answer that. It’s just something I ask myself cause of how I have always seen your family. I’m so sorry
( I pray God will stregthen your faith in this current situation and pray that he will bless and mend your relationship! *hugs*
i needed to hear this Jennifer~ thanks so much for sharing your life and feelings. much love, prayers, and blessings~erin
It’s okay to be angry for awhile… but then you have to move on. And how you choose to respond to the anger is the key… when you are angry, choose to scrub the floors to sparkling, or take a run. Do something physical to expend the anger. One other thing that sometimes helped my son was to take a shower to “wash off the attitude.” Amazing what a little warm water can do
Even now as a young adult he will still sometimes take a break for a shower to get help change his focus.
Good advice on expending the energy on positive outcomes!
Love the “wash off the attitude” thing!
I guess the question that comes to my mind is…..do you have the right to be angry over your husband leaving your children? I suppose maybe you don’t want to be angry on behalf of yourself but honestly who just leaves 5 innocent children with no intent on seeing or communicating with them. I can understand not being angry for you, you are an adult that has the proper tools to deal with this situation. These 5 children are young and small and naive……I am angry for them. I don’t want to encourage you to be angry…..I know this negative emotion isn’t healthy but these kids deserve better from the man that helped to create them! And now I will step off of my soap box and tell you that I too am praying….praying for your healing and praying that your husband will realize that he created a responsibility and needs to be a man and take care of those responsibilities.
These are my thoughts exactly.
You are so right Jennifer…you can’t stay angry at your husband, it is sin. It’s also very hard not to focus on the (worldly anger) because of the injustice of the situation. Remember, with God all things are possible, and He is the restorer. God hates divorce, and I so admire you for standing on your Godly principles about divorce. I know you are feeling very down, but you inspire so many of us through your honesty. God bless you sister…….
Fran
((bigbearhugs))…to you…from me…
because, for some reason, hugs from a stranger BUT sister in Christ aren’t so awkward!!
~be blessed
Just over a week ago I found out that my husband cheated on me and we have decided to seperate. We are hoping for eventual reconciliation but both feel that we need to do something drastic in order to fix our marriage in light of this new big road block thrown my way. I haven’t allowed myself to be angry although as I want to love my husband through this horrible situation instead of allowing any hatred to enter. I am constantly being told by those around me that I should be angry – and of I course I am mad at what happened, and hurt, and broken – but I am trying with all my might not to be angry. Oh there are times when I feel it sinking in – but it only leads to terrible thoughts which doesn’t do me any good. This all just sucks though!!! My prayers go out to you.
Oh Julie! I am so sorry to hear this
I know I’m a perfect stranger but I wanted to tell you, from a wife who went through this same thing a few years ago, to a wife going through it now, divorce isn’t the answer. Remember and hold onto that now. You both can fix this, it will take a long time and it will take a lot of work, but you both can fix it and come back to a marriage better than it was before. Lots of prayers to you and your husband!
Oh thank you. Sometimes I feel pretty alone. It is almost easier to share with strangers than with people I know. I am hoping for a good outcome – it is nice to hear that someone else came out the other end of this mess the way I hope it does for us.
My parents went through something similar when I was a teenager and this year they will be celebrating 43 years of marriage. You can get through this with God’s help. Praying for you.
Elisabeth Elliot said: “Feelings are the least reliable things. Don’t count on them.” That’s totally counter-cultural, and so are the thoughts you’ve shared. Jesus WAS counter-cultural and calls us to be the same. But it just doesn’t sound right to the world, does it? “I deserve,” etc etc.
Excellent post. I agree: I sure don’t want from God what I deserve. Blessings, Jennifer, as you navigate this tough road. Praying for you.
Love will prevail… you are good Jennifer. I wish I could say all the things you say. LIFE.IS.SO.HARD.THOUGH praying that we figure it out. (:
Just don’t blame yourself. There is never just one to blame when a marriage splits. It is not all your fault. Praying for your.
so hard…yes, you do deserve to feel that way…will be praying for you!!!!
My favorite post from you EVER! thank you for the reminder of remembering what we all deserve!
It’s so hard to keep our human emotions in perspective. I know often when I am interacting with people, I think about how I do what they are doing to me, to God, and then I try to react like God reacts to us — with forgiveness instead of retribution, with grace instead of anger, and with selflessness instead of selfishness. But like you’ve already pointed out IT. IS. SO. HARD.
Praying that you will remain steadfast in this journey…