I reached into the freezer to pull out the big bag of blueberries that was in there. Frozen blueberries began to tumble this way and that, quickly finding their way into crevasses in the freezer between pizza boxes and bags of frozen goat milk. Apparently I had grabbed the blueberry bag by the bottom instead of by the top. Instead of crumpling to the floor, letting my head fall between my knees and groaning something like, “Why meeeee!? Why must all this stuff happen to meeee!?” like I am sure I would have yesterday, I just kind of laughed and grabbed the bag by the top.
That’s progress, people.
Love isn’t lacking around here. The children are as wild as ever, don’t get me wrong, but there seems to be a common thread running through us all: We’re in a hard season. I’m sad. We all are sad. I’m going to show extra love to my sister/brother/mother/son/daughter in my own special way. I touch all of my children with some part of my body while we sleep, and they touch me, of course, as we rest all together in the gigantic family nest we’ve made on the floor of my room with every single one of our blankets and pillows. When I took today’s first day of school photographs, the big boys held hands.
Nuggey didn’t want to go to school this morning. I told him he sure didn’t have to. “Really?” “No, of course not, Sweetie. You don’t have to do anything today that you don’t feel like doing. I’m going to take a picture of your brother now. Would you like to be in it?” He said he wanted to and clasped Big Mac’s hand. He also held gently to the Boston Children’s Hospital nametag of Daddy’s that he had found last night. He has been wearing it around his neck ever since. Our talks about Daddy last night were sprinkled with lots of tears. When the children asked if they could just call him and talk to him for a little bit, I had to finally tell them that he is choosing not to have any phone service right now. We can’t call him, even if we wanted to. It was the hardest night of my life last night, trying but not being sure how exactly to comfort my children in their grief and help them cope with not being able to understand all this. They haven’t seen Daddy in over two weeks, and I have no idea what to tell them when they ask when they will.
To be sure, I am struggling with the temptation to give in to my anger. Finger pointing has never gotten my husband and me anywhere, though; I don’t expect it would start to now. Our counselor always has told us that having the “but she/he started it” arguments are pointless, anyway. Measuring how much of this is my fault versus how much of this is his fault might feel good at the moment, but it isn’t healthy. So I’m trying not to go there, not to let my grief, disappointment in myself, sadness about why my husband is handling his very valid frustrations the way he is and role as guardian of my children’s grieving hearts send me careening off the Cliffs of Insanity. I won’t got there. I can’t turn into a bitter, angry woman. I must choose joy, be content, look within at my own ugly qualities that still need changing, never point my finger at my husband, continue to love him and, at this point most of all, take damn good care of our children.
“Oh, Sweetheart. Daddy still loves you very, very much. None of this is your fault.” I love my husband very much, can’t imagine that that will ever change, know that he is nowhere near “the only one to blame” for where our marriage is and desire very much to always keep my heart able to forgive him, just as I must forgive myself, just as God forgives us all.
But it’s hard. It’s so stinking hard.
By the time we left school after dropping the big boys off, it was just me and the three youngest ones, Flurry in his pajamas. Yes, Nuggey completely changed his mind about not wanting to go to school the second he saw the students from his new Kindergarten class beaming, welcoming him into the room with big smiles and clearly open hearts. In he went and didn’t look back. It’s what we’re all having to do, march forward into this mysterious, exciting, scary, new unknown and not look back.
Well, we look back a little. “Tell me your favorite thing you love to do with Daddy,” I was trying to turn the conversation about him into something happier. “Yes, you two play together so well!” Mashing down my tears for the moment for, though I’ve cried for and with them, I didn’t want to right then, I said, “I sure miss Dad.” “Then why did the two of you fight, Mom? Did he leave because of you?”
Yes, he did leave because of me. But I can’t tell them that in so many words yet. He left because of me. Yet not. No one can make another leave their family. He left because of him. How to balance these, “If I change a, b and c, then maybe he’ll come back” thoughts with a clear and present realization that though I do need to change a, b and c, I cannot shoulder all the blame for this has been so far impossible for me. I vacillate back and forth like a rusty old oscillating fan. One minute I’m overcome with shame and guilt, the next I’m full of righteous indignation and anger. Neither are the right place to hang out in for long, that much I know.
Today when I saw the love between our preschooler and pre-Kindergartener who will be starting their couple days a week school tomorrow, I realized that there is a happy medium. And it is happy, for I’ve tasted tiny bits of it here and there. I’m continuing to chase it currently.
And mark my words, I’m going to catch it. Yes, my friends, one of these days that happy medium will be mine.
Until then, and of course even after, the abundant love and grace of Jesus have been my strength.
I will not pretend for one moment to know what you are going through. When I try to think of what it MIGHT be like, my heart hurts. But I will tell you that you are in my thoughts…and dreams. Literally. I dreamt that we were together with your children in Boston. You and your family have been weighing heavy in my thoughts.
Stay strong and focused.
I’m full of emotion just reading this. Jennifer, you are truly very strong. I love how you explain how you are handling things with the kids, so so hard, I’m a sure. I pray that your husband will come around and at the very least realize that these little beings, your beautiful children, are surely not to blame in all of this. I wish he could just come and swoop them up for a bit, and reassure them. Kids needs so much to know that their mom AND their dad love them. So today, on this Valentines day, I will pray for your husband. I see that you are doing an amazing job at soldiering through this storm. Your children are truly lucky to have you as their mom. I will pray that Isreal feels what he needs to do and that he comes to see the children – just for their sake alone. xoxo
I think people needs to remember that this is Mc Mama’s blog & you are getting only one side of the story:hers.You’re not getting Israel’s side of the story.
You don’t know what went on in their home & in their relationship.
You don’t know if Israel is actually not having any contact with his children or if Mc Mama is preventing him from having contact with his children.
Remember there is always two sides to every story.
I grew up with a single mom & a father who chose to walk away from us and never look back so I can sympathize with Mc Mama and her kids but I can also keep a open mind to wards the other party.
It is always a choice! I’m so inspired by your decision to choose joy!
I so totally agree. As hard as it is, Joy is the best choice. Continuing to keep all of you in my prayers. God is and God is good.
oh my friend. it is so hard. i just can not imagine. praying for you and them, everytime you come to mind. which is often. having children the same ages makes it easy to remember to pray for yours. praying for softened hearts, forgiveness, and reconciliation for you and Israel, and for protection and comfort for those wee babes.
Words escape me right now after reading your post. My heart aches for you
and your children. I have been there, all alone with my five children that God
blessed me with many years ago. He brought me through the rough times
and when people would ask me how I did it, I would always say with a lot of
tears and a lot of prayers. I now have five wonderful adult children and eight
beautiful grandchildren. A wise friend told me once that God doesn’t close
one door unless He opens another one. So keep looking up and you and
your children will come out of this stronger than you can ever imagine. I
will continue to pray and cry for you and your family just as I did for mine.
Nice post Carolyn. I would think a success story such as yours would be a good thing to hear for J right now. Congrats on your success…sounds like you deserve it.
You sound so healthy in this post – acknowledging all of the emotions you and your family are going through. I wish you all well as you begin new school careers.
Telling your kids the truth (a kid appropriate version) is the right thing to do. It’s healthier for all of you.
Praying for strength for your family!
Congrats, you are doing a great job at choosing love, which is always the right answer, in any season of our lives.
Can’t even imagine…keep fighting the good fight!
Jennifer, you should be angry that he hasn’t seen your kids in two weeks. You need to be angry that he is leaving you to shoulder the responsibility of the fact that he has disappeared from your children’s life. Sure–you two had problems, and when separating HE should recognize that the problems are between the two of you and he should not be punishing the kids. I hope you are seeing someone to deal with these feelings, because you do need to grieve right now for your marriage and your children’s lost. Prayers and Positive Thoughts that you get through this tough season in your life. BTW: the boys looked adorable in their little school outfits!!! Did they have a good day?
I agree. There is no excuse for not speaking to your kids. No matter what you tell them, that will leave them damaged for life. I will be praying that his heart will change and that he will start being the father he needs to be to your innocent children.
I have to agree with you ladies! If my husband did that I don’t know what would happen. My kids would go crazy if they did not know where both of their parents were every second of the day. This is very unfair of him to remain unavailable to his children. What if there was an emergency? I am very upset at him for this.
I don’t think it is ever wise cousel to tell someone they should be angry. For “anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:20). Jennifer is doing exactly what she should be doing… choosing love, forgiveness, and joy. Being angry will only hurt her, her marriage, and her children, although I’m sure it must be incredibly difficult to suppress that emotion. She is obeying the Lord by trying to keep her heart soft, and she will be blessed for it. It is not her anger that will change Israel… that is the Lord’s job to work in his heart. And who knows? Maybe God will use the testimony of Jennifer’s grace right now to bring Israel back around. Let’s encourage her to stick to the path that she is trying so desperately to stay on.
Mary R. you are EXACTLY right. She has every right to be angry-the devil has done his job…but Jennifer is choosing God. (I love the scripture you posted!! YES!!) She is choosing to love. Her children will BENEFIT from this rather than fall apart. They will see that their mom loves them and has joy and they will, most likely, process their grief and follow their momma’s footsteps.
Israel, if you’re reading this…I’m praying for you and your family. But buddy, YOU need to step up as a Daddy, if this is true that you’re not seeing your children. Do not abandon them. They didn’t ask to be born. Parent and love them and respect their momma. You chose her as their momma, ya know. If you two can’t be married that’s one thing but you both must be available, emotionally plugged in and responsible parents. Jesus asks that of you, sir. My heart hurts for you because this isn’t the right path…separation/divorce is one sad thing but abandonment of your children is heartbreaking. Even if it’s a break it can’t be from your kiddos.
Jennifer, sister, you keep up the strength! Keep seeking God and keep loving those children and even Israel!! I’m just so, so proud of you. Your family will benefit and prosper from your strength.
Hugs and Prayers
Amber
So proud of you. Great job. Can’t imagine how hard this is. You are doing great and loving your children as you are is the best thing you can do. Love the pics of the kids loving on each other
How do your kids know that you fought with your husband??
To think that there is a family in the world who’s children have never heard their parents argue would be ignorant.
Amen to that. Man, this comment just irks me. It just reeks of righteous indignation.
So true. Even when you think you’re in a place they can’t hear…they can.
Sorry, I don’t “fight” with my husband. Disagreements can be discussed without it being a “fight”.
When they said “fight” I’m sure they mean’t argue, not fist fight. Everyone argue’s Mrs.
B, everyone!!!
Sorry Alyssa et. al, my parents were happily married for 42 years until my Mom passed away and I can honestly say I NEVER heard an argument between them. And, my Dad to this day says they never did argue. Beleive what you will, call it ignorant or what you want, but it’s ture. They were very much in love and my mom was a very very patient and flexible woman, but they never argued. I however have failed miserable to replicate that in my own marriage. It is rare and something I doubt is common at all, perhaps similar to the odds of winning the lottery, but hey, people win the lottery, so not fighting does happen. There is nothing righteous about it actually, it’s just the way it was, it worked for them.
As wonderful as that is, I think you’re very much in the minority to have never heard your parents argue! Disagreements are very much a normal part of marriage or any relationship.
My parents were ONLY married 20 years before my Dad moved to heaven…however, I never heard them argue…never. My experience was the opposite of that mentioned however, as my DAD was the one with the patience, even temperment, and the ability to compromise out of love and respect. Oddly enough, things usually went my Dad’s way! LOL I do NOT think that means couples should NOT disagree or argue.
I decided to test this and have a thrid party ask my kids if their mom and dad “fight”. With the use of that word they resoponded “no” both of them. I had the same friend ask my 7 and 5.5 year old if their mom and dad argue…they both said sometimes. When asked “about what” my 5.5 son said he was not sure but we always worked it out. My 7 year old daughter said it was mostly about who left their clothes on the floor or how the supper was cooked! LOL SO TRUE!!!! Anyway…not making any BROAD statements or conclusions but this comment made me think and take inventory.
I also never heard my parents argue when I lived at home. They’ve been married close to 30 years now. I asked them about that one day (because obviously people have arguments and disagreements) They said they just talked about it in private or when we weren’t at home. That’s pretty much how I’ve always been with my husband too (he’s definitely a lot less calm than I am though). It’s pretty much impossible to live with anyone and not argue sometimes, but keeping it private is usually the best way to go instead of getting your kids or others involved.
Kids are smart. And concrete thinkers as well. So, if daddy left, there must be a *reason*. They ask “am I the reason?” and mommy assures them “no, your daddy loves you and did not leave because of something you did/didn’t do”, etc. Thus, they ask the question “mommy, are you the reason?”.. and mommy has to figure out how to answer that, not even sure of the answer herself. Just because they ask the question does not mean that they’ve seen their parents fighting terribly (tho I echo the folks who have said that it’s normal, even healthy for kids to see their parents disagree with each other and then work it out).
I want you to know that sharing with us the way you are is helpful. It’s helpful to you, to get it out “on paper” and it’s helpful to someone (many someones I’m sure) that is probably going through this, too.
This is hard. So hard for you and your children. I admire that you allow yourself to feel how hard this is. It’s okay to get angry. I think it’s very thoughtful of you as a mother to purposefully speak with your children about all this.
Love everyone you love with all you’ve got. It’s all they need.
Just know that this is a hard time and like all hard times, it will get less hard. Then even less hard after that. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and holding your head high. You are teaching your children a valuable lesson here.
Lots of love to all of you.
There are times in our lives that are pure CRAP. It will get better and you will all feel better, it just takes time. So sorry.?
Hi, I have been reading your posts for the last few weeks and I have prayed for you, your children and your husband as you have come to mind, as well as the rest of the struggling marriages I know of. I didn’t think there was a thing I could say that someone else hasn’t already said to you or that you don’t already know. And you still might have heard this along the way and I am just repeating ideas. Besides, I have only been married for 3 measly months and there are women who have commented that have been married for decades, or divorced for decades. But in these 3 months, these 3 hellish, blissful months I have learned volumes about myself, my husband and the faithfulness of God. For many different reasons my husband and I hit the highs and all the lows, the arguing, pain, accusing, confusion, in our short marriage. Each time he walks away fuming, raging, ready to give up, I just pray. My two great comforts in marital turmoil is the knowledge that the Lord confirmed through many different people many different times that my now-husband was the man God had for me and He has a plan somewhere, the other comfort is knowing that my husband IS a Christian. His heart belongs to Jesus. Therefore when my husband isn’t following the Lord, when he is choosing to walk in anger and unforgiveness, I just say to God, mixed with many other murmurings, “God, he belongs to You. His heart is Your’s not mine. Please do with Him what You will. ” I have told my husband, ” I am just going to give you to God, I can’t change you or convict you and it isn’t my responsibility to do so. You belong to the Lord, He will do with you what He knows is best.”
And it is a freeing thought to know that God has a standard, and if one of His children are not walking in that standard, God will correct their course. And I can only pray, trust God to convict and change my heart as well as my husband’s, and try to walk with God.
Of course the turmoil completely sucks and hurts and I take my husband “back” from God multiple times and worry about things until I remember again that my worrying only hurts me and doesn’t change 1 thing about my husband.
Anyway, here is another section of advice to wade through. Prayers.
You may only have been married for a few months but you have a lot of wisdom. I wish you the very best. Thank you for sharing.
You said what was on your heart so perfectly Jennifer. I remember thinking, “okay he moved on but nothing about my life changed”. I am still the mother, the stability, the holder of hair when one gets sick, the one who knows where the thermometer and the lost sock is. Nothing about him leaving changed that. But you know what? I have two in college and one almost there. And I have been here, every single day, every single hour, every homework assignment, every school dance, every broken heart…..and I am so thankful that I didn’t miss a thing. God gives women the ability to do all things and the courage and strength to put ourselves aside and nurture our kids. It is the toughest job ever if you do it right. And I have….and you will.
I cannot imagine the heartache you all are experiencing in this season of your lives.
I pray that God comforts and grants peace to you all in this difficult time.
If daddy doesn’t have a phone right now, perhaps the children could write him letters or draw him pictures. If you have no idea where Israel is living right now then you could simply put the letters and pictures in an envelope and keep them until you do have an idea of where to send them. The children do not need to know you can’t mail them, they just need to know they can write to their daddy.
Yes, they are writing him lots of letters and drawing him pictures. Someone suggested that to me not long ago and I thought that was wonderful advice. thank you, too!
That is a great idea .. at least they feel like they have some power!
The pictures are beautiful. The boys look so cute. How proud you must be to look at them and see your love in all of the pictures. They may be little. You may think that they don’t get it. But, I think they do. I think what they understand is daddy left, but mommy is still here, and everything is going to be ok! They feel your love. They KNOW your love. You are an amazing mom Jen. As little as they are, they are aware of that!
I have to agree with another reader. This is your best post yet! Why? because you were able to open up a little and let it be known that you are a little angry. I am sure that you still love your husband. Rightfully so. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that he won’t see the children or talk to them. Whatever happens in a marriage should be between the husband and wife. NEVER should the children be punished. I’m sorry but in my eyes that is being a coward, I understand that maybe he needs some time to think things through while you multitask and think things through. I have a lot of respect for you Jen. I am sure that you cry a lot of tears but you seem to dry your eyes and pick right back up for you children! Nuggey and Big Mac are so adorable in their uniforms and the love between Small Fry and Stellan is just as adorable.
That Happy medium WILL be yours and you will look back and know that you got their with love and Jesus.
I will continue, as so many others are, to pray for you.
With much love,
Cathy
Seeing the look on Nuggey’s face nearly broke my heart. Then reading about him clutching his dad’s nametage certainly broke it. But when I read that he is “choosing not to have phone service?” I’m sorry, I have no words. And the words I do have are certainly not “family-friendly”.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
That comment got me too. “He’s choosing not to have phone service.” There is clearly blame in that statement.
It’s simply a statement of truth. Read into it what you’d like,
Why don’t the 3 of you go and read somewhere else? Seriously. MckMama needs to start deleting comments that are not supportive or useful. When my children are not being happy or helpful, they go to their rooms until they are. Do you read here so you can find a reason to bash??
I’m sorry, but I don’t see what’s wrong with Kelly’s comment. She was stating her opinion, that MckDaddy’s choice to not have a phone made her angry and upset. Robin simply agreed with Kelly, that MckDaddy’s choices upset her aswell. The only negative comment was Bec’s, in that she pointed her finger at MckMama in a ‘you said you wouldn’t do this but now you are’ way.
I know you want to protect MckMama from rude comments, especially now in her current situation, but making rude comments back doesn’t help anyone. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but sometimes you should keep your opinions to yourself.
Sometimes we need to hide the truth from our kids.
Amen, Sportsmom. When you say, ‘He chooses not to have a phone right now.’ the children hear, ‘He chooses not to talk to you right now.’ Poor, little things.
I can definitely understand, though, how the topic of his departure or him is spiked with anger. I mean, after all, he did leave.
Then they will blame their mom for lying. Kids aren’t stupid and it’s frustrating when adults underestimate their intelligence. I’m sure her children want answers and after 2 weeks the usual answers probably aren’t cutting it. How else would you answer “why can’t we call dad?” after 2 weeks. It’s easy to point the finger and blame her but she can’t protect him to them for much longer.
He left, she’s dealing with 6 broken hearts and cleaning up the mess he left while recovering from an accident. Give her a break!
Until you walk in Jennifer’s shoes don’t judge the way she see’s fit to talk to her children. Hiding the truth often leads to other lies.
Why would they blame their mother for lying, when I wasn’t advocating that anyone lie?
Kids, especially at YOUNG ages, don’t need the whole complete truth about how adults are acting at the moment, in the moment. Sometimes you need to protect your kids. No kids aren’t stupid, I didn’t say they were, but again sometimes kids don’t need the whole complete truth at a given moment in time.
I wasn’t pointing any finger of blame, I wasn’t judging Jennifer so back up there both of you. It’s only two weeks and in my opinion, young children don’t need to know all the details and facts of what is happening in their parents world. Things could change tomorrow, things could change next week, things could never change but once something is spoken out loud, it is really hard to take back.
IMO, young kids don’t need to know all the details at every moment of what is going on in their parents lives, especially in times of crisis. There are details that should NEVER be shared with young children about their parent’s relationship, especially in the time of crisis, , even if they are the truth. Again, my opinion. It’s not a judgement or blame, you chose to read it that way.
I have to agree with this. When I got to the “he chooses not to have a phone” part, I cringed big time. While that may very well be true, I’d interpret it as, “my daddy doesn’t want to talk to me”. There are times when it would be best to leave it at. “I’m sorry honey, your daddy doesn’t have a phone right now. I’m sure he misses getting to talk with you.”. Yes, it’s crummy to have to always take the high road, but your kids will appreciate you that much more as they get older. They won’t be mad at you for making them feel loved by both you and their daddy. Good luck with your family’s continued transformation. It can’t be easy for any of you, including your husband.
Long time reader.
Your worst news, your best post.
I am moved.
Thank you.
Alice said my thoughts so well. Thank you Jennifer for such a moving, inspiring post. May this season of grief, pain and uncertainty yeild a beautiful fruit for your entire family.
Having gone through separation and divorce, I can speak only for my family, you are very wise in remaining neutral with your feelings, it is healthier for you in the long run. What I have tried to reason through for myself as if it were me is how I would respond to the total absence from my children s lives. I called my ex-husband to ask if he could maybe help me to see where he might be coming from . He couldn’t imagine it and asked for me to pass on to you that as a man there is no thing, no matter how horrible the situation is that ever warrants causing that much stress and grief in children. I don’t say these things to make you sad but to help you realize how strong you are. You are everyday meeting the needs of your family, you picked yourself up and dusted yourself off and started one step in front of the other. You chose not to run away from life. You have every right to be seething mad for yourself and for your children let that anger be turned into forward motion. You are strong enough to raise this family on your own. You will forever have in your heart the strength you have shown and as each day passes you will only get stronger. There is nothing wrong with being the person you are, you should NEVER consider changing yourself for someone else. I do not have a way with words to share how this post made me feel and how I could send strength back to you. I think the one thing that would propel me forward would be …. how could I ever allow someone back into my life that felt and acted on turning their back to my children. I think separation and divorce are strong subjects that bring strong feelings, but when children are hurt by selfish actions it brings out powerful emotion.
Love that you called your ex for some semblance of an excuse for not keeping in touch with the kids… He’s right, there is NO THING – NOTHING – worth doing this to your children. It’s a relief to see that not all divorced parents refuse to communicate… Blessings to Jennifer, and Melissa T, and to everyone supporting Jennifer…
I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for writing on here about it, it has deifinitely helped me. My husband left me two weeks ago and it seems like we are going through some of the same emotions. I feel more “normal” about my emotions knowing you are dealing with some of the same stuff. I am praying for your family, for healing and comfort.
I hope Nuggey wound up having a good day at school because that picture just about broke my heart. Big Mac looks like he was ready to take on the day. I hope he had fun too.
I can’t even imagine what your family is going through. My heart goes out to you and the kids.
I hope we get an udpate on Small Fry and Stellan’s first day. I have a feeling Small Fry will be leading the class. Ha ha. Take care and hang in there.
I cringed a little when I read you told the kids their Dad “is choosing not to have any phone service right now.” Hopefully, that was just a way to point out to your readers that he doesn’t have a phone, and not the exact way it was phrased to the kids. I just think they would take that to mean he is choosing not to talk to them, and I couldn’t bear for them to feel that way.
Anyways, I’m not trying to nitpick. I know how hard these conversations can be. I have two stepdaughters who are having many, many issues with their mom right now. They have called me up crying, saying how their mom doesn’t love them, or want them. They tearfully recount the mean, heartless things she has said to them. Even though she has done everything possible over the years to tear me and my husband apart in the eyes of our girls, I have to bite my tongue and tell them how much their mom loves and adores them, how she cares about them so much, and how they always need to remain respectful to their mom. It’s a hard, hard thing to speak positively about someone who has caused so many problems, but portraying an ex in a less-than-positive light, unfortunately only hurts the kids involved, never the one we want it to.
When children from divorced families grow up, they realize the truth about everyone involved, and they don’t have to be told. Sorry for the long rant. This is more of a pep talk for myself than anything else, as I recently got off the phone with my crying stepdaughter.
If your stepdaughters are being verbally or emotionally abused by their Mom, then I hope that you please acknowledge what is happening to them. Insisting that she loves them or that they “respect” her is, in my opinion, continuing the abuse. I would stop telling them things that they feel right now are patently untrue. Acknowledge to them that this behavior isn’t right, that you and their Dad love them, and that they will raise their own children differently. Children feel powerless to the verbal punches thrown at them, they need help dealing with the situation. It gives the message that this is what “love” feels like and it certainly does not.
Think of it this way, if a child was beaten and bruised by a parent, would your reaction be to comfort them by insisting that this parent loved them? No. In this case, I guarantee the bruises are still there, we just can’t see them.
I am, of course, not telling you to agree with them that she doesn’t love them, no. But forcing the issue or trying to affirm it in this situation, only makes things worse. It confuses the child and hurts them more. And I hope steps can be taken so that their time with their Mom is limited and she is forced to get help for her issues so she can develop a better relationship with her kids.
I’m just telling you as a kid that has been there, it is as bad as physical abuse. And we need to acknowledge that. Good luck, it sounds like they really love you.
I agree with you 100%. When I said I tell them to remain respectful, I just mean they need to speak respectfully to her even during disagreements. Both my husband and I have told them what she is doing is not right, and we don’t make any excuses for her. We definitely never make them think that what she is doing is normal, I just never want them to feel unloved by their mother. I just re-read what I wrote and it did come across as if I were just covering for her, instead of validating what is actually going on. That’s definitely not the case. We are just careful to not verbally tear her apart, as that is what she has been doing to us for years, and I think that would just cause even more confusion for them. Also, we filed for custody months ago and we’ve outlined all of the crazy things she’s said and done in the court papers. Our hearing is next week, so any prayers you want to offer on our behalf, we would all appreciate.
Thanks so much for your comment.
I have two step children as well, they are 18 and 20 but I have been dealing with what you describe for 16 yrs. I agree 100% with everything you said. I simply wanted to say that you are absolutely correct when you say “When children from divorced families grow up, they realize the truth about everyone involved, and they don’t have to be told” – keep up what you are doing!! xo
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with this as well, Sarah. It’s madness.
Praying, praying, praying for you. Good luck.
Thanks, E.!
Praying for your hearing and that the officials would be able to clearly see the truth. Keep up the great work.
Thank you.
AMEN!!! That is mental and emotional abuse and those children will be as scared as if she were beating them!! As a trusted adult to those children – YOU need to get them some help!!!!
Jen,
After reading your post and seeing the pictures of your sweet precious babies. I have to say the one that grabbed my heart the most was the picture of Collin and Keiran. I actually had to get up and walk away from my computer just to grab my composure without breaking apart into a thousand pieces. Yes, the blame game is one thing you do not want to cross. For what ever reason(s) your husband may have for not wanting to be in your children’s lives at this given moment. I do hope that he does heal his heart enough and thinks about what he is doing to his babies. I do pray that he makes the right choice to make some sort of an attempt to contact them. Even if it has to be through another family member or a close friend that he has to go through to make a visitation possible. It appears to me that Collin seems to be the one who is the most affected by the absence of his father. I think it would be a great idea if you would consider thinking about having him seek some sort of counseling therapy or even enroll him in a “Big brother program” to help him deal with him missing his daddy or you could even talk to your own therapist for answers to some of the children’s questions. (Of course these are just suggestions. Not saying you have to listen to me). We must all keep in mind that no matter what his reason(s) are for his absents that its important for us to not be the ones to start calling him any improper name callings. We need to remember that his children are apart of him and any demeaning names we say about him can be a reflection on them. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers ,including your husband. May God comfort and protect your hurting hearts.
As a former volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters, I echo this suggestion. It’s a great program, and your older two (especially Nuggey) might really enjoy it. Nothing can replace his dad, of course, but having a strong older male role model who is there just to spend one-on-one time with him might help him deal with everything a bit.
I just posted, but I just thought of something else I felt that I should share.
I once heard a beloved preacher of mine stand up and say that it is perfectly fine to wallow and be angry and point a finger and complain about bad circumstances. As long as your wallowing and complaining is directed at God. WE ARE HUMAN.
It doesn’t validate us to sin against others, to gossip or to belittle some other human, but in the quite place it is okay for us to cry out to Him and to be honest. There is a time alloted to us for mourning and for wallowing. It is necessary for us to do before we move on and become stronger.
And He will hold you and allow you to complain to Him, because He knows your heart. So don’t be ashamed to let Him hear how angry you are, or how much you wish things were different. Usually, though not always, from what I understand, when He allows you to go through something this tough, it’s to shape you. And he knows how hard it is, but He also sees the ending, He understands and will listen to you in your time of mourning.
Good thoughts. Thank you.
Just had to say that I am praying for you and your family. Seeing the picture of Nuggey holding the name tag was enough to just make my heart hurt for all of you. Being a mom and a wife, I have no idea how I would handle a situation like yours. Reading this though, makes me want to be a better wife- because I love my husband dearly and because I love my children dearly. Praying for healing in your family’s life.
Hi Jen-
In 09 our second son passed away. 10 months later we were blessed with our 3rd son. When he was 6 weeks old, my husband walked out and turned to drugs and alcohol to “cope” with his pain. My oldest was 3 at the time. He was gone for a year, half of which he spent in a Christian rehab facility- living on a working farm.
Our youngest was always too little to understand or voice his pain, but when my 3 year old would ask about it, I handled it much the same as you. By telling him his daddy loved him very much, and wasn’t making good choices in handling his hurting heart. There were days when I was so angry and bitter and resentful that it seemed all I could do was give in and just be furious. And then I would tell my son that I too was having a hard time with my emotions. It led to a lot of good conversations about God, and the power of prayer.. and though it was ugly and hard, I always felt that it was a good real life way of teaching him about the unconditional love and grace of our savior.
The boys and I walked through some really heavy, lonely, painful months, but as I grew closer in my walk with the Lord, they learned a lot of things that I’m not sure we could have really taught them otherwise.
We prayed A LOT- and the one prayer I remember the most was asking God to “turn daddy’s heart towards home, heal his hurts, and lead him back to his family.” My son would pray that all the time- and you know that there is incredible power in a child’s prayer!!
You are an amazing mom- and none of us are perfect. Model for your children that you are human too- admit when you make a mistake, ask for forgiveness, and show them- through a real and thriving relationship with Jesus Christ- that there is always forgiveness and healing.
Thinking of you and praying for you daily!
Beautiful.
So well said, Amber.
I am praying daily for you and the kids and your husband, Mckmama. Bring it all to the cross and continually lay it down before our Lord Jesus Christ.
I love this post! So proud of you! (but sad that the kids can’t see their dad)
Mary in Michigan
Who does your husband think he is?? Really are you kiddin! He is hurting his children and trust me they will remember this.His life cant be that bad to not see or call his kids.There is NOTHING that would ever stop me from seeing and being with my kids.He doesnt desreve these beautiful kids you and God gave him. You all are better off and its his loss.What if one of your kids dies and you cant reach him..really then he hopefully would wake up and see what he has truly done. Now you truley see what kind of man he is ,what kind of heart he has, and what kind of human being he is. He is a pathetic father,i have no other words except I hope and pray you will rise above and be there for yourself and your kids and give yourselves a happy life. my advice dont take his sorry butt back.
ever.hugs and best wishes and prayers.
I wasn’t really sure what to think when I read this. I can see both sides, I guess. On one hand, the Bible says we should honor our husbands. On the other hand, it is incredibly hard to uphold this vow when they won’t respond to you. Just know that we always have a choice and it sounds like you are trying your best to make the right ones given the circumstances.
you take damn good care of those beautiful kids, lady. And I am following your posts, and praying for you as I do. I love my own two children with my whole heart and can’t imagine going through what you’re going through, trying to explain and be everything for them. You’re doing a great job, and whether they are happy or sad our great God WILL take care of them. He loves them more than you and your husband both, and He will give them what they need, even if it is pain and sadness. Clearly, He has already given them one thing they need, a loving mother willing to fight for their best interests. Good job, Mckmama, good job,
Ohhh man. I’ve been catching up on your blog over the past two days after taking a lengthy all-over blog-reading hiatus, and have poured out tears & prayers for you & your family at length! I’m so very sad for you this has all been happening. – I got emails from two dear IRL friends of mine from college on Saturday and they let me know that their marriages are in shambles, much to their sadness & frustration. I’ve sent them this blog post link and hoping it’ll help encourage them to know that they are not alone. – Praying for you & the kids & your hubby!! And praying for reconciliation and God to be glorified in it all!
Corrected:
I am praying for you both! Of course you or Isreal do not have the answers needed at this time. Hoping it is time for thinking and that is what he needs at this quiet time. Praying it doesn’t go for a long period of time that the children don’t see him. He and his brother so tragically lost their daddy too early. That pain he knows and am certain he doesn’t want his children to question his absence and suffer the longing of hugs, talks and fun times. Praying daddy’s time out is for thinking and praying his heart heals soon! Keep loving and hugging those beautiful babies Jen. Tell them…”you is kind, you is smart, you is important” quote to a beautiful child in the movie “The Help”!
I loved that line in “The Help” too!
Hoping and praying for brighter tomorrows ahead. I know that God will bring you peace and joy.
It is hard right now, that hospital badge around Nuggey’s neck kills me. I am so proud of you though and the blueberry progress you are making. I remember going through this many years ago and I all I can say is, hope got me through it.
I am praying for you both! Of course you or Isreal do not have the answers needed at this time. Hoping it is time for thinking and that is what he needs at this quiet time. Praying it doesn’t go for a long period of time that the children don’t see him. He and his brother so tragically lost their daddy too early. That pain he knows and am certain he doesn’t want his children to question his absence and suffer the longing of hugs, talks and fun times. Praying daddy’s time out is for thinking and praying his heart heals soon! Keep loveing and hugging those beautiful babies Jen. Tell them…”you is kind, you is smart and you is omportant” from The Help!
You are kind. You are smart. You are important.
I have no words for the cowardly actions of your husband. I realize the two of you may have had struggles, but those babies have done nothing. If I think about my own little loves and how they might react in this type of situation, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t imagine living this nightmare.
One day, one step, one breath at a time. If it takes a village to raise kids, you’ve sure got one heck of a tribe around you!!
For tonight- to all of you–
You are kind. You are smart. You are important. (The Help)
I am not suggesting you literally examine how you contributed to the marriage being your fault – or pointing fingers – but more examine why you continue to shoulder the blame and protect your husband. How realistic were his expectations of you? How badly did you behave in order for him to literally leave and not want to see his children? This is not your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and choices.
I understand where this comment is coming from. And you are RIGHT, each person is an individual and must take responsibility for his or her own actions and the effects of their choices.
I think MckMama is trying to do this for her “side” of things. Even though I have a devoted and loving husband, I can understand being the target of undeserved heartache and pain.
Our marriages are supposed to REFLECT God and all that He is. It can be most difficult to see this reflection through pain, hurt, and dispare. I (as a child of God) hurt and dishonor Him at times…despite my best efforts not to. He, however, continues to love and protect me despite the fact that I choose to reject His will, His love, His forgivness. Can’t we see that MckMama finds herself in this same position? Does she not have a loved one who has hurt her? Wronged her? Has she not continued to love, respect, protect, and extend love and grace to her husband? Has he not up to this point refused to accept these things from her?
That is where she is. I don’t know you personally, Jennifer. However, if your marriage is like mine…I would be willing to bet that you have been on the opposite side of the situation you are on now. Maybe you have not gone to (what I view as) the extreme of leaving your family and disconnecting yourself as your husband has…but I bet you have been the recipipiant of your husband’s grace and forgivness. I know I have!
So please, the last thing she needs is MORE pressure, MORE worries, MORE people judging her response to the situation. So many have come forward to share their experiences and for that, MckMama is BLESSED!
Jennifer, I pray daily that you will be filled with the strength to continue to meet the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of yourself and your children. I for one, knowing you are an imperfect, believe you are trusting God to deal with your situation. CONTINUE to show the world that Biblical submission to your husband does not mean that you allow yourself or children to be the object of abuse, but it means that you ACCEPT your husband as God’s gift to you. To me, with the love and devotion you continue to show to your husband…you ARE refelcting the image of God!
May God bless you with strentgh and wisdom! As a woman who has expreinced difficult times. I encourage you to read Job noting a)that God CHOOSE Job to face his difficulties as He knew Job would respond in faith and b) Job experienced and expressed his feelings of confusion, doubt, and even anger toward God…but he still resonded in faith!
Love and Prayers!!!
I was in no way judging Jennifer. I was actually suggesting that she let herself “off of the hook”. She is under a lot of stress and she seems to burden herself with a lot of blame and she seems to shoulder a lot of this. I was actually thinking of her during this situation she is going through.
So sorry. Despite the horrible circumstances, may your heart be able to sing, “I have blessed peace with my Lord so near, leaning on the Everlasting Arms”! May you know the love of your family, your friends and your Father on Valentine’s Day!
Cheering you on,
Lori
That picture of Nuggey breaks my heart. I just want to give him a great big hug. I pray he hand Big Mac had a great first day of school. Hang in there mama!
You won’t post this and most likely wont even take the time to read it.
Your children deserve to be children, protected from the harsh truth of the trainwreck that you both created. No one can force someone to leave their family, but a person can be the cause, or a large part of the cause of why they left.
I would tend to believe that it must have been an extremely bad situation for a man to leave his 5 children. Maybe that was the best decision that could be made right now. No man, or woman, needs to stay in a horrible situation, just because he or she will not have physical custody if he leaves.
Telling your children that daddy chooses not to have a phone ? Seriously, it has been two weeks. You OWE it to them to keep it as light as possible. It is unfair to burden them with your mess. Your children are used to traveling, job changes, home changes, you being gone for weeks out of the year. You could simply tell them that he is traveling for work.
Let me start by saying that what I’m about to say is in NO way supporting your husband’s actions of being absent from the life of his children. As a mother of 4 young children, my heart breaks for you and your little ones. However, just food for thought with a different angle to see things….I’m vaguely aware that the “hate group” goes after you and has gone to many lengths to find your address, contact your attorney, judges, etc. for things in the past. If so, it appears that your life is under a microscope and they “hunt” you down. I know personally for me, I could not live like this. Perhaps your husband’s choice of going MIA is not to avoid the kids but to be removed from the group of people that would surely find where he lives and possibly send him threats, etc.?
Um, I am unsure why your post about people hunting stuff down was attached to my post.
But anywho.
Some people “support” by leaving posts saying “Im crushed for you” “I am breaking in to a million little pieces” I’m about to lay in the fetal position and cry for you”
It’s not helpful, Its not supportive.
It is enabling and pointless.
This whole family needs massive changes and work. Focusing on the fact that he left the household totally skips the million things that happened to get to this point.
I am not saying either is more to blame, I am saying both are equally to blame.
And in my opinion, if a woman is seeking to reunite with her husband, ALL of the stuff that is going on in the blog is going to do more harm than good. A woman constantly woe is me, I am crying, kids are crushed, is going to make him run faster and farther. Add to that a bunch of women constantly belittling him is going to seal the fate of this marriage.
My words may constantly come across as disagreeing, but that is simply because I do not agree with how this family has spiraled down over the past couple years. It is sad to me
I don’t know why my post attached to your comment either? It was meant to post as a seperate comment. I hadn’t even seen your comment until you commented to my comment. But after reading your comment, it appears that you do not have children of your own….if so, I would question their ages because older children would never fall for this lie in telling them that “daddy is at work”. What do you suggest she tells them then after “daddy’s been at work for 2 months”? She knows what is best for her children and as a mother knows how to words thing to them accordingly because she knows their temperments. My 7 year old would call BS in a heartbeat if I told her “daddy is on a business trip for the next several weeks and we can’t get a hold of him by phone.”…she’s too smart and wise for her age. Just because they are children, they are not dumb and blind to the situation. Children pick up on the truth very quickly even when us parents try to “hide” it.
Now, what I do agree with you on is the part about the blog. I understand how people say it’s their “outlet” but I see it the same as any reality TV show and eventually it’s like making a deal with the devil as it begins to slowly cause more harm than good. The sad part is that people do not know when to walk away (John & Kate plus 8, Kardashians, etc.) The same thing that ultimately started their “fame” is the very same thing that breaks down their families. From a male’s perspective, my husband said there is NO way he would support me having a blog and blogging about every little problem we have between the 2 of us that is private. A blog opens an invitation for the world to see things that should be sacred and private between family members.
How can she tell them that he is gone for work when she has no idea when and if he will be back? I think it would be worse to lie to the kids and then have to make something up when McKDaddy doesn’t show up when she said he would be back.
I can’t say for sure what the proper course of action is–maybe you’re right, maybe Jennifer is–but for you to act as if your opinion is the gospel and the only possible correct course of action is insanely pious and self-righteous. In fact, given the whole judgmental tone of your comment, you would be best served by looking in the mirror when you’re pointing fingers.
I don’t agree with this part of your comment: “I would tend to believe that it must have been an extremely bad situation for a man to leave his 5 children.”
It doesn’t have to be that type of situation at all for a spouse to choose to leave. I’m not saying I know what is happening in either of their lives right now except the very few details that she has posted here, but it’s not right for you to claim you know what is happening either. Let alone assume what you are assuming. If you believe the children deserve privacy, then don’t comment in such a negative light about their mother or their father.
Oh Jenn…my heart is heavy for you all right now. As a child of divorice, I have been where your children are. People don’t understand your husband leaving your children. I don’t either but sometimes it can be better that way. I hope he chooses to stay in their life, but an in/out relationship can be much more damaging.
Im praying for you guys!!!
Perhaps they can write letters or draw pictures to send to him. You can dictate their letters. This will make them feel better. We have used this in the past with children separeted from their parents. Perhaps he will contact them when see sees how much they are hurting. I hope so. Prayers for all of you.
I don’t know you but I just have to say how proud I am of you and your attitude. I can’t and hope to never have to imagine or endure what you are going through but your attitude truly will make all the difference. Please take care of YOURSELF and don’t hesitate to ask for help from whomever if you feel you need it.
Just a short comment to be quick. I hope your still working out, I know that when I am feeling especially emotional (usually mad) it helps me to jump on the treadmill. I have watched The Biggest Loser before and been running and just bawling…but I feel better after my workout. I know your life is busy and crazy right now, but just a lil reminder that the working out will help with the ups and downs.
I’ve not always cared for everything I’ve read on this blog, but I have always wished the very best for you and your family. None of us are perfect but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve love and happiness. I so hope you all get your happy back.
I am so so sorry that he chose to be absent like this! Having no means of contact with him seems so scary and sad. I think this was one of your deepest posts yet. Thank you for your openness. Your photos of the kids in this post are so amazing. You are a wonderful photographer. I love the way you edit them.
Hi Jen,
I read your blog & I appreciate your strength & struggle to keep things on an even keel however, remember dear Jennifer, you are only HUMAN!!! It IS okay to be ANGRY!!! It IS okay (for a little bit of time) to point finger & be FRUSTRATED, etc. Whatever you need or feel you need at the time & I know, I for 1 would NEVER, EVER judge you on that! I think your greatest weapon….eerr, gift would be your mother instincts. Listen to your heart & you’ll find the right thing to say to your babies.
Have you talked to your husband as to why he isn’t seeing the babies? I can imagine how much this fact alone would hurt & frustrate you! I think you are doing an excellent job keeping it all together! I know we’re not friend/friends but I do want you to know I’M PROUD OF YOU!!! Your hubby is a very lucky man….not everyone would be so generous & forgiving with their words as you are. Yep, he is lucky & personally, I think if he chooses just to give up when you are so willing to still fight, well….it really will be a huge loss for HIM!
I wish many things for you…Strength, Happiness, Confidence & especially SOLACE!!! All you can do for sure at this point Jen is keep on protecting your babies & keep on working on healing yourself b/c if YOUR okay, those babies are going to be okay. And Jen….YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!
I’m glad you are so open with your feelings. I hope your blog is benefitting yourself the most!
Please know you are NOT alone on this journey. You have MANY, MANY friends…stranger friends, family members, etc. who are right here willing to lend you a hand, give you a hug or give you words of encouragement, friendship & love.
Thinking & Praying for you tonight & always!!!
Jenn
And the people said AMEN
I was so sad when I read that the neckles that Nuggy was wearing was his dads I.D. badge. Seeing his face and him holding it in his hand brought me to tears. His heart is broken and it all could have been avoided. There is no reason what so ever for their dad not to be in touch with them (you would think that he has left them, not you) it is just pathetic for him (a grown man) to act this way. How did he know that you were in the hospital??? He surely has been keeping up with you blog or facebook to know that you were hurt. Please know that I am lifting you up to the Lord daily.
I sent you a package of magazines about animals for the kids when you lived at the house before the farm. I have some books that I would like to send to them that my daughter is not reading anymore. Do I sent it to that adress? You can in box me on facebook (Sabrina Smith Carter) to let me know or you can email me at my email to let me know where to send them. My email is : scarter67@windstream.net
Sending love, hugs and prayers.
The pictures are precious – the one of Big Mac and Nuggey is so sweet…I sure hope Nuggey went on to have a great day and came home excited about school and friends. When did Stellan become a pre-schooler…oh my goodness – he looks like such a big boy compared to Flurry!! You are doing an amazing job, and are such a wonderful mama to your babies!! Lots of prayers and hugs coming your way from our house tonight!!
I meant to say – the one of Massive Mac and Nuggey – is so sweet
When I read he chooses not to have phone service right now…..well it took my breath away. I am a child of divorce. I am an adult, married now….but I remember the exact day my dad left….blaming it on my mom. I missed him so much. I felt your MSC pain and I am still feeling it. Since I read that you guys were separating I have been feeling their pain. Then, I can’t imagine how you are getting through each day. I know this is not what you had imagined for your family’s future. But with God’s help, you are getting through each second, minute, hour and each day. God is leading the way. He is taking care of you and I know as long as you trust in Him, He will take care of you. I am praying for your family, Israel included of course. I have been since you first mentioned he had chosen to leave. I loved the beautiful pictures of the kids….they are the reason to keep smiling every day!
Much love, many hugs and prayers to all of you….
Great photos of the kids-and you’re doing great with them! Choosing joy is always the right thing to do:)
Through all your grief and sadness and joy and discovery, I would have to say that this is your best post ever. Mostly because you are opening up in a good and positive way, but also because the pictures of your children are just beautiful!! They are such well loved kids and I can see that in their smiles which represent their outlook on life. Yes, their life has a big sad mark on it right now and there are NO answers to the questions right now, but even in the ambivalence, they are enduring and persevering.
That has to be one of the biggest challenges to anyone is life – perservering in the unknown, And because of you, their Mom, they will be granted that ability.
The picture of K and C at school brings back oh so memories of my own kids and I know the nostolgia and heart tugging, yet sensational pride that you must be feeling. And M and Stellan just look SO sweet together, as if in anticipation of their big day.
You are IMO so doing the right thing at this time in your life to have your kids in school. There will be some ups and downs but you’ll get through the school blips together , as you will everything that you have in your past and present.
Re. your husband, my impulse would be to call him and say Get Off of Your Behind and come and see your children!! They need to be seen. But that would just be an impulse and once it passed, I would probably somehow try to contact him either by mail or through his mother and beseech him to plan to see them once a week for their aching hearts and hope he can find it within him to do this.
Blessings to you Jennifer.
I am so sorry for you and your kids loss. I pray that God softens your husband’s heart towards you and those precious babies…they need him. I have been right where you are now..trust in the Lord, you are doing a great Jo! !!
I meant job!!
Having been in a similar situation, if I was to do it over again, I would not tell the children about Daddy leaving. Just tell them he will be back soon, because he will be.
If he does not come back he can be charged with abandonment.
So McDaddy if you are out there, get your butt back home now, stop playing pity party games.
“So McDaddy if you are out there, get your butt back home now, stop playing pity party games.”
Exactly!! I so wanted to post this, thank you!
Oh…..Jennifer my heart breaks for you. Any lessor woman would haved caved under all of this stress. I’m so glad that the boys went to school and walked right in to their classrooms. Sometimes, like you said the only thing you can do is laugh. One day at a time is all you can do. You know that you have this huge internet family that loves you, suppports you and is praying.
consequences of actions are sometimes not realized till it is too late. when he decides to come back to have a relationship with his children…it may be too late for them to trust him.
God tells us there are always consequences …it may not be today, tomorrow…but there will be a time.
so happy to hear the “word, blame game” is not being played…really don’t ever go there Jennifer.
I say all of this … because I have lived it.
Is there a set time limit for how long until he sees or calls them? I so appreciate the respect and humility you are regarding him with, but he is injuring people who have not hurt him. He is punishing ones who are innocent. Whatever anger or uncertainty he is feeling is no excuse. Go knock on his door! Send a pastor over there to talk sense to him. He is scarring his babies and there is no excuse for it!
He won’t tell us where he moved to, so we can’t go knock on his door, either. I am trying so hard not to be angry and have a pity party. But. This is so, so, so hard.
He doesn’t have a phone and you don’t know where he lives? I don’t even have words for that. I’m so glad that you are still seeing your counselor to help you work through all of this. I can’t even imagine how you must feel to have your husband and the father of your children abandon the family like that. Certainly there is a place for righteous indignation and grief.
What’s not fair is that (assuming he has some sort of internet access- not sure because he supposedly doesn’t have a phone?) he can just check in on you all with a click to your blog, and you have no idea where he is. If it were me, I’d stop posting pics and updates of the kids just out of spite for him for a while. Seriously.
Spite will eat you alive.
That would be wrong.
I just dont understand this. I dont have a relationship with my father. He left my mom while she was 7 months pregnant. He never called or had an address. He did everything he could to avoid even paying child support. I have seen him 3 times and I am 32 yrs old. My heart hurts for your kiddos. I felt a loss my whole life, but I didnt have a dad there to begin with. Their situation is so different from mine in a big way.
I am praying for you and for the kids. i am also praying for Israel.
you are a better person than I, my dear. I am livid for you. SELFISH, plain selfish. You don’t want to name call and I get that, so I’ll say it for all those better than me who aren’t saying it….SELFISH!!! I’m getting angry and I don’t even know this man. These are CHILDREN. You cannot “choose” to not have phone service! You are a father, be one, regardless of your relationship with these kid’s mother. Sorry, this gets me going. Strength to you Jennifer. you are in my prayers
Oh Jennifer–that is so very sad!! No address, no phone??? that is so unfair to those babies. the kids will be much closer as a result of this, but just not fair. I think I would call or email his family asking them to forward the message that they need to see him. Maybe a neutral place—a good frind of YOURS, a pastor, somewhere he does not have to see you and the kids are with someone you trust..maybe then he would see them~~if he knew he did not have to face you. I have prayed, but the prayers will change for this situation. Stay strong~
love and prayers,
Shari NC
Jennifer- I understand that he hasn’t told you where he is, but didn’t he work? He has a job, or at least he did. If he isn’t paying child support or any money to help raise his children then you can file with the state. They’ll find him. Believe me…they’ll find him. I don’t know, maybe you make too much for the state to care and you would have to find him on your own, or at least file something. Maybe you’re waiting, trying not to cause waves or anger…hoping that he’ll come to his senses and come back in a few weeks…once he’s realized he misses his kids…and you. I pray that happens. I do believe there can be reconciliation and I’m proud of the way you are handling it. You certainly have more strength than I do, that’s for sure.
Sorry for all my rambling fight-or-flight thoughts. Hugs and I’m still praying!!!!
Gosh, it’s worse than I thought.
Hi Jennifer,
I am very impressed with your strength and I think that I am learning from you through your words. To be strong is a brave thing and I think you are doing a great job.
Do not think that crying is a sign of warkness however. Crying is a sign of strength, as it takes a strong person to let their emotions flow. Not everyone can do that, out of fear.
I do not know your husband, you do. I hope that he comes to his senses soon as what he is doing is very wrong. This is not me pointing the finger about anything to do with your marriage, but as a father. A father does not “leave” his children. My parents are divorced. At first I chose (I was older than your children and my parents let me choose) to live with my mother, but I spoke with my father on the phone daily. Then one day, my mom started dating and it made me feel uncomfortable, so I called my dad and asked him if I could live with him. He said yes. I still talk to my mom daily and see her frequently. A couple can break up, but to ignore his children the way he is, is not fair and it is hurting them. I am an adult now and I can tell you, woman to woman, you are stronger than me. If my husband/ex husband was doing what McDaddy is doing to your children, I would most definately be angry, point the finger 100%, not for what happened in the marriage, but for his parenting choice.
I Pray for you and your children. May God bring happyness to your hearts.
If he doesn’t have a phone how did he know you got into an accident and came to see you at the hospital? Just curious?
He won’t tell you where he moved to, AND he has no phone service?! That’s so awful!! (allow me a bit of righteous indignation on your behalf here!) So awful and hurtful, to you and the kids
. I’m so sorry.
Can you contact a family member or mutual friend and have them arrange something? A meeting or phone call at a neutral location?
Jennifer, I am not a hater (you can look back and view my comments on your blog), but I have a genuine question. If he has no phone and you have no idea where he lives, how did he find out about your accident?
My husband told me he heard about my accident from the tow truck driver in town who had pulled my car and trailer out of the ditch. My husband had just stopped in with a question about his own car or to pick it up or drop it off for service or something. And when the tow truck driver realized my husband didn’t know what he was talking about (saying my car was there now and did he want to get anything out of it), he told him about the accident and me going to the hospital apparently. Small town stuff has its benefits!
Thank you for responding! I appreciate your honesty, and that makes total sense. Living in a small town all my life, I can definitely understand how word travels fast! I also wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and I pray for you, your husband and your children daily.
Does this mean that he doesn’t know where you and the kids moved either? This is all so confusing, sad, and scary (as a mom), that neither of you could get a hold of the other in the case of an emergency with you or the kids. What about his family members? Surely they could put you in contact with him. I’m just trying to think of any ideas I can that could be helpful to you.
We are able to email each other. That’s how we’re communicating when we need/want to.
Oh, well that’s certainly better than nothing! Glad to hear you have some available means of communication. Take care of yourself and those babies.
Did he say, “give me a month” or some indefinite amount of time? Keep your chin up. God loves you and is fighting your battles for you. I am praying he will ease your pain and help you keep your head about water. It doesn’t matter what YOU did, he should spare the kids. They didn’t do anything. I know I’m just one of a bizillion saying this, but I am praying God destroys whatever dreams he is chasing away from his family. And if he still chooses to go his own way, I am praying someone will come into your life to love and support you and be there for those kids and to love them with an everlasting love. You deserve it!
Bawling. Seriously. I cannot stop crying. Is it weird that a stranger is mourning for your indescribable loss? Maybe. Please know that you have been so near my thoughts lately. My heart is broken on your behalf and I simply cannot imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes. But of course, our God knows. He knows what you will do and where you will be and how you will overcome. He is so near. Praying for your kiddos and their new school situation and you for God’s amazing wisdom and peace.
Thank you, Kristen.
I am amazed at the strength you are showing through this whole situation. I am also very happy to see you have made the choice not to speak poorly of your husband that I know you love so much. (Even through this difficult time) I was wondering if you have thought about filtering some of the comments others are posting about your husband? While I know you cannot control what others are saying, I just wonder if you are worried about the harsh things others are saying about him getting back to the children? Just wondering not trying to defend anyone or start a huge debate. Hope you and the littles are doing well today. Thinking of you!
One step at a time, just one step at a time. YOU can do this. Peace and prayers to you!
My three babies are praying for your babies by name.
Proverbs 21:1
[ On Life and Conduct ] The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes.
This verse gives me comfort when it seems that others have the upper hand that tips the scales in what seems to be so unfair. Maybe it will encourage you too. Glad to see the pictures of the kids.
You are coping so well & this is only one portion of one chapter in your life….no telling just what the next days and /or weeks will bring your way. Something great may be just around the corner!
this is a beautiful encouragement for you, jennifer. i also agree with this promise of Scripture over your life. and i pray too that the healing hands of Jesus will hold the hearts of each child. Jennifer, the anger and betrayal emotions are normal- but you can speak life to the kids about their Dad. have them pray for him. God answers the prayers of His little ones. It may take a long time- or it may be just around the corner- but He answers. Read “What Happens When Children Pray”. HANG IN THERE- TOUGH TIMES DON’T LAST, BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO!
i’m just gonna jump right out there and say it … are you freakin’ kidding me? i realize you love your husband, i realize marriages some times (or often it seems) don’t work out, i understand seperation and even divorce, because i’ve been there. but for the love of all that is holy would you paahhleeezee stop trying to convince everyone that your husband isn’t being a total butt head, cause in truth, he is. i have no doubt that you are not perfect, none of us are. heaven above knows i am far far from perfect but sweet geez louise woman give yourself an ounce of credit. step up to the ole self esteem, self respect plate and knock one out of the park on your own behalf. i don’t think it would matter if you were the wicked witch of the west, there is no, and i mean none, not one, zero … excuse for him to not be available to speak to his children. i can understand that maybe communicating with you right now may be an issue for him, i understand he may not want to see you, but nothing you say, type or blog will in my mind excuse him from being unavailable to his children. i’ve been there my friend, i was 29 with 2 small kids, overweight and carrying every single burden our family had squarely on my shoulders. i was an incredibly wonderful victim, in fact, as much as i hate to admit it … a part of me probably enjoyed my self created pitty party for one … for a short lived time i felt so completely sorry for myself that getting dressed in the morning was a chore i often struggled with. thank God i had to go to work so we could eat or i probably would still be wearing those same pajama’s 15 years later. i watched my children go thru what your children are going thru right now. many a weekend i packed their bags for them to visit their dad and he never showed up, never even called, i soaked up and cried out more tears than i thought humanly possible … and then one day, i just simply decided that no matter how bad i may be, at least i wasn’t a quitter. at least i didn’t ditch my family or spouse or whatever the politically correct way of saying it is. and i stopped feeling sorry for myself, i stopped blaming myself for every single little itty bitty thing that went wrong in our marriage, i am not trying to say that i didn’t deserve to shoulder some of the blame because i did but it was by no means 100% my fault, and neither is it 100% your fault. i made every excuse in the book for him, for lots of reasons, #1. i didn’t want people to know i was such an idiot for being married to a jerk for so many years and not having the good sense to get myself out of it. #2. because no matter how angry i was at him, i still loved him and wanted desperately to protect him from people knowing that he wasn’t the man i wanted them to think he was. #3. i felt like if i said something negative to anyone about him that it would give him good reason not to come running home to me. (as a side note here, i never spoke harshly about him to or around our children, he was still their father, a crappy one but still the only they had and i agree that one should not demean their childrens absent parent) it took me a good year to compose myself and move on … now, 15 years later if i had it to do over again, i would have left his sorry emotionally abusive behind the day after i found out i was pregnant with our second child. you are worthy of true, honest, lasting, giving, sharing, uncompromising, never leaving, the sun sets in your behind love … do not for any reason ever settle for less!
“step up to the ole self esteem, self respect plate and knock one out of the park on your own behalf”
LOL YES!!!
Nobody wants Jennifer to be a doormat or a victim and I don’t believe she is being one. She’s grieving. From what I read, she’s certainly taking inventory of what HER part in this is…which she should. For sure, Daddy made a decision that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Reconciliation or not, he will live with this memory forever and his children will remember when Daddy left. They’ll remember when they cried and Daddy didn’t comfort them and they’ll remember when Mommy cried and Daddy wasn’t there for her either. For now though, the fact is He chose to leave his family. He chose to not love his wife like Christ loves the church. He chose to be selfish. He chose to not leave a number. He chose to not provide. I do not believe, for one minute, that Jennifer should curl up and surrender to grief. I do believe, however, that she should use this time to deepen her relationship with Christ, draw closer to Him and to pray for her marriage, husband, children, and for God to use this for His Glory.
Yes.
I agree Jen…But know that You are worthy! …Even Christ thinks so.
Ok!!! THIS is what I wanted to say but didn’t have the balls to say it. Every word Jen. I can’t believe the likes of him. You are WORTH SOMETHING!!!! And, so are your children. I don’t believe in speaking poorly to the children about their dad. But Jen. Seriously????
This is the advice I would give my best friend if ever I had to. Well said!
Exactly my thoughts too!
Dearest Jennifer – I pray that, as God continues to walk with you through this season, you will allow Him to carry you when your knees are weak. If there truly is strength in numbers, I hope the love and prayers of those of us who have been readers of yours will help sustain you. The pictures of your brave children are precious. Thank you for sharing them and for sharing your thoughts.
My heart breaks for all of you! Prayers for continued joy and perseverance through the best and worst of times you face going forward
God Bless
Michele
it’s been 11 years since my husband left us (and his faith). He has had an off and on relationship with our boys, but hasn’t seen or spoken to our youngest for the past 3 years. It breaks my heart and I don’t understand it at all. The only thing I can do is love our boys, be age appropriately honest with them and trust that God is protecting their hearts. It is so hard to not be angry. Now when I pray for myself and my boys, I am praying for you and your kids. God will see you through.
I am praying for him as well. I hope he is just taking time to think. I really hope he has someone to confide in and that he is with his family. I don’t agree with what he did but hope he is just not becoming a hermit.
You are such a good writer. This post took me back to my first weeks alone with the kids in our new house. It is so surreal, isn’t it? So many changes happening so fast. So many important decisions to make. It takes a while for the new life to feel like it is actually yours and not just a dream. As far as what to tell the kids, I try to give mine honest answers to all their questions, without getting too detailed. You can always say that you aren’t sure why daddy is doing xyz, but that they can write him a letter and ask him. So proud of your brave big boys at school.
Okay, initially I wanted to call your husband an a@#. Yes, I have no idea what happened or what the future holds for your family. I have been with my husband since I was 15. 18 years, 10 years of marriage, 3 kids, 2 dogs later. If he left for over two weeks and decided to not have phone service after being a consistent fixture in their lives every day God help him. Your relationship as a couple and his as a father are two separate things. For him to not be there today when your children started school is something he cannot take back. These are actions that are going to have hard consequences for him someday. Children are resilient, marriages can rebound, but memories cannot be remade. He is not just an a#@, he is a selfish a#@. The very worst kind. Unless he is locked away or this is out of his control I recommend he grow up and get over his issues because he is creating more issues with 5 little people that someday he is going to immensely regret. You will be remembered as the one that stayed with them, the one that took care of them, and took them to their first day of school. If and when you do get back together it will still not change that for them and their trust for their father will be gone no matter if it is justified leave of absence or not. This may come across harshly but these little people did not ask to be brought into this world, you both made a conscious decision to have them and he needs to step up, now.
I agree, Melissa.
I agree 100%. He owes it to his children to be present for them. Walking out on a wife is one thing, but walking out on children is unconcionable! Praying for you and your sweet children.
Gayle
As a long time blogreader I just don’t understand why there are so many comments like this–saying that mckmama is the one who has been there for them, he is an ass, etc. Really? How many trips and photoshoots has Jennifer been on where Israel was left being the sole parent for a time? he was the one being there for the kids, but im pretty sure jennifers admirers weren’t calling her an ass for that. Many circumstances are out of jennifers control right now but her children’s need for security in their fathers absence is not one of them.
YOU grow up, Jen. YOU do what your husband would have done when you were in Africa or wherever else, dealing with kids who surely felt your absence? Don’t turn a sad 2 week absence into a years long nightmare for your kids by using terms like, “he is choosing not to have a phone.” and for your kids sake please, please stop this ridiculous passive aggressive blogging.
And no, before I get told where to go–not a hater, a longtime reader who is DONE.
Seriously? I don’t know these people IRL but it seems to me that you’re comparing apples to oranges. Leaving for a business trip or a mission (sorry, not sure what the trip to Africa is called) is not the same as choosing not to see or speak to your children in a time of turmoil.
Jennifer – I can’t imagine what a difficult time you’re having. There are so many people lifting you and your family up in prayer / good thoughts, I hope it helps.
This bashing of working mothers is really, really getting old. Really.
Can you really not see the difference between a trip for work/a missionary trip and a separation in a marriage? For one, the emotions surrounding them are totally different. Second, leaving for work and/or a missionary trip is temporary and this may not be.
I don’t understand why you (and others) have chosen to bash working mothers. Don’t get that, at all. Color me done with those comments.
Um, I’m a working mom so I’m not bashing them at all. I’m sorry if I was unclear but what I’m trying to say is that when Jennifer has had to be/chosen to be away from her kids for extended periods of time we were made to believe her kids did well and we’re happy under the care of one parent. Now they aren’t. Of COURSE the circumstances are different but there are ways to create a secure, loving environment for children in the absence of one parent (no matter the reason) without telling lies or burdening little hearts with unnecessary hurtful mindsets about their absent father whom they clearly love. There is a huge spectrum and it just feels very, very wrong that Jennifer is airing her children’s hurts and her own anger this way.
Well, I guess you aren’t “done”?
What part of the circumstances are different isn’t clear? So comparing a mother taking work trips or even a weekend away to a marital separation comes across very much as bashing the working mother for being away. Of course they were well and happy, the circumstances WERE different. The emotions of everyone involved is different. The environment is different.
I suggested hiding the truth from young children and was taken to taskby a couple of posters for that one, you might want to read that comment above.
That still doesn’t explain the bashing of a mother being away from their children for work or other reasons. This is not the same as a marital separation. Repeat. Not. The. Same.
MckMama, Your strength humbles me. It is so hard not to point fingers, and it does no good as there are three more pointing back at you. BItterness, anger, grief, sadness, these are all normal, and so hard to go through. Continue loving on those beautiful babies and praying for their Daddy. I can’t believe he cut himself off from his babies. That is inexcusable. You are more forgiving than I ever was. It is one thing to separate from you, but he should not separate himself from his children. I wonder if there is not more going on than just being unhappy with the marriage.
You are all and each in my prayers. I do understand where you are and what you are going through. And I am so sorry. The Lord’s Love and Grace be with each of you.
Totally one of my favorite blogs in the last few weeks… you’ll get there momma, where ever there is. Praying for you!
I woke up last night with your children weighing on my heart. I prayed for God to help them have a good day. One. Foot. Forward. God will guide you.
Thank you.
A stranger left this encouragement on my brother’s CaringBridge site. We too walk a road that can be overwhelmingly difficult and sad at times – even though our circumstances are completely different – so I thought I would pass this encouragement along.
Happiness isn’t about what happens to us- it’s about how we perceive what happens to us. Its the knack of finding a positive for every negative, and viewing a setback as a challenge. if we can just stop wishing for what we don’t have, and start enjoying what we do have, our lives can be richer, more fulfilled, and happier. The time to be happy is now.
So sorry for this season of your life. Even more sorry for what the MSC are enduring. Good for you that you can gently explain to them that dad “chooses”to not have a phone right now. I cannot imagine making that choice as a parent. That is all you need to tell them—if he sees them, he will have to answer their questions. I had a very strained relationship with my in-laws for years due to the way they chose to treat my children versus their cousins, and the way they treated me. I said NOTHING ever to my girls, nor did their dad. when they finally started asking questions, they were advised we had no idea why things were the way they were. Then their dad referred them to their grandparents whch was not very popular. The important thing is that the MSC never think it is their fault. Children that are not old enough to reason can still feel stress in the home. It makes them grumpy!! You are doing a great job — does not matter what happened in the marriage–takes two most generally, but not always. Glad Nuggey decided to stay and that the other two get some special things to do as well! Prayers continue!
Blessings,
shari NC
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matt. 11:28-30
Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Hold tight to Him, continue to do His work, please only Him and be the mother He has called you to be.
You’re right, spiraling into “the blame game” is not a healthy place to go. We supported two friends through separations last year, and learned a lot, as it was new territory for us as friends. But one of the lessons we learned was that weighing the blame didn’t get anyone anywhere. It definitely was hard for all of us – it was easy to “demonize” the person who did the leaving and forget that it was a two-way street, there were issues on both sides, and the person who did the leaving was also hurting and lost and just as much in need of God’s love. It’s easy for us as readers to call your husband names and place all the blame on him, and it’s truly sad the kids aren’t getting to talk to him, but we don’t know all the details and we don’t know what’s going on in his head, so the best thing we can do is to pray for him as we pray for you and the kids. At least that’s what I’m trying to do.
Thanks for still sharing with us during this difficult time in your life. It can’t be easy to put yourself out there like you are right now.
Yes, very much yes to everything you wrote.
does your husband have family and are any of them in contact with you and your children? they must all be beside themselves with sadness and embarrassment that he is treating his children this way. this is so hard to understand. all of you are in my prayers-
Whew-wee! That gave me that deep breathless feeling in my soul. I couldn’t help but think to my own mom and how strong she was for us through several divorces. Even when she wasn’t strong, visibly, she was still a rock for my sister and myself. We knew her love for us was unwavering…it never ever changed. When everything crumbled around us (multiple times throughout our lives), there she was. That’s what you’ll be for your MSC….I have no doubt about that, and it’s so important. It doesn’t mean you can’t feel, that you can’t show your little ones your emotions….it just means that when you’re done crying you scoop them up and they know where their home is. With you.
Sending up prayers with every beat of my heart. Hang in there!
I am really sorry. I was reading your post from last night thinking…you could have the kids call him if they miss him but reading this post I see that is not possible and that is sad. I hope that you are getting support through the counselor you were seeing as a couple because having an outlet that is impartial would probably be a huge help to you right now. Hope your days continue to get better and that you see how much strength you have in our Lord.
Yes I’m still seeing our counselor…more needed than ever for me right now.
Good for you!!
Just have to say it….I understand how a husband and wife can split up but I will NEVER understand how a DADDY can walk out on all FIVE of HIS children without so much as a phone call. Absolutely no excuse! Jennifer, too bad I can’t be more like you. God Bless!
I totally agree! You can divorce (hopefully it won’t come to that) your wife but you cannot divorce your kids. They are yours forever. I am praying he comes around at least for the kids sake. A broken home is hard enough on kids but not having a father around at all is even worse!
Dear Jesus, show Your power!
Amen and Amen!
It is so hard moving houses, moving church and starting at a new school, I can’t imagine throwing in a separation! You and your kids are so brave! I’m praying for you all
you are making me cry too. my hearts hurts for you. take care tonight mckmama, i will be praying for you all.
It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. I wish I had answers as to how to explain this to your children, but I cannot come up with much, other than to assure the children they are loved and this was not their fault. As you already seem to know, saying negative things about their dad does not help anyone. My husband’s parents divorced when he was young and the children were used as pawns and both parents said many negative things about the other parent. While my husband realizes the divorce was necessary and that he, his siblings, and his mom were better off after the divorce, there was still (and still is) a lot of anger and hurt. I read one article on divorce/separation where the mom explained to the children that Daddy still loved them but that his heart was sick right now. I also think there is nothing wrong with telling children you don’t why something is the way it is or when something will happen (getting to see their daddy). You can assure them you love them, that it is okay to cry and be sad, show them that you cry and are sad, and teach them how to continue living, despite the uncertainty and sadness. You can tell them you wish you knew but sometimes we don’t know things, no matter how badly we want to. One of the crummy realities of life. As far as explaining why daddy left – that is a tough one. I wish I had a good answer for you. All I can come up with is something about even when people love each other they still sometimes hurt each other and sometimes they need to be away from each other to think about things and heal from the hurt. I don’t know. I will pray for wisdom for you so you have the right words to help comfort your children (and yourself!).
Keep up the good work. It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected. Keep loving those children, spend time with good friends and family, and take it one day (hour, minute) at a time. Know you are loved.
I am amazed with how strong you are being through all of this. Prayers for you and those sweet little ones. I hope their first day of school went well. I wish he was a student in my kindergarten class:)
Wishing you peace! Keep trucking.
Your husband choosing to leave you is one thing. Choosing to leave his children with no way for them to speak to him is beyond sad. It’s also very unfair that he has left all of the explaining on your shoulders. Yes, I realize you’re asking for people to pray and think only good things about him, but to me he is little more than a coward at this moment in time.
SO TRUE Colleen!
Very true! I never understand why when people leave a partner with children they cannot understand that the partner will be an emotional wreck and that their children will have to be a part of that. My father did the same things to us, and my brother and I stayed up late with my mom crying, trying to comfort her. I know everyone is saying to “be strong for the kids.” My mom was the strongest woman I knew, but she felt like her life was falling apart, and even though she tried to pull it together for us, there were times she broke down late at night when she didn’t think we could hear. And that makes me respect her more, because she is a human being and cannot just “suck it up.” My father needed to suck it up and take care of his kids. He knew what he was doing to my mom, and yes, she needed her children, but he didn’t once check in on us to see if the children were OK. He left her, not us, but he left us with someone who needed time to grieve. Why is it OK for him to need time alone and find himself?! It’s not. He had kids; he needs to be strong and do the right thing. I am so tired of people not doing right by their kids. I don’t care if you moved to China; he needs to check in. This is also why I don’t care for the “submit to my husband” stuff. Submit to yourself, boldly be the person you choose to be. Don’t change for another person, change for you. You will stop crying, and your kids will be fine. But it is his fault and only his fault for not seeing them. The guilt is on him if you break down in front of the kids. He should pick them up and take them away so you can have a moment to cry.
Jennifer, that was so hard for me to read. I just can’t imagine what you are going through dealing with your own turbulent emotions and trying to help your children cope. It sounds like you are doing a great job.
Some may criticize you for talking about the phone, but I know that your hand was forced on that one. Basic phones are pretty cheap, no excuse not to have one to keep in contact with the children.
The pictures of the children are precious, the one of Nuggey broke my heart. I’m so glad that he had a change of heart about school!
Hang in there, Girl! Yes, I believe that you will find a happy medium.
Beautiful photographs of beautiful children…. the one of the “big boys” makes me sad
Still keeping all seven of you in my prayers!
I have been a long time reader, first time poster. My heart aches for you so much. 1st – Being the product of a divorce, I promise – your children know who acted like a grown up when it happened. 2nd – you are doing a fabulous job, you can’t have those awesome children and not realize that you are very big part of their ‘awesomeness’.
Hang in there…and it’s okay to hide in your room and point a finger at him, even if he isn’t there to hear it. I can suggest which finger I’d recommend using.
Thank you for trusting us to share your pain…we are praying hard for all of you.
Thank you do much, Crissie.
Enjoyed the pictures, many hugs & prayers for you & precious little ones.
Amy
I may be overstepping my boundary as a blog reader, but I have a question that has been puzzling me since this announcement of your husband leaving.
When he says he was leaving, does that mean that he no longer wishes to see his children? What exactly does that mean for you?
Awwww bless your heart.
Oh Jennifer. your words about him not seeing his kids for so long and choosing not to have phone service has me wondering if he is going through a bout of depression? is there some way you can contact his family to check up on him? do you have contact with them at all? I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m sorry. Leaving you may have made sense to him. Leaving his CHILDREN does not and would be pretty much a deal breaker for me if my husband had ever done so. I don’t care WHAT the issue was between us two adults, it is bordering on unforgivable to withhold your love and presence from your children. Just my two cents worth and not meant as a criticism in any way of you or how you’re handling it. I am glad ( for your mental sake ) if you can overlook, or forgive this particular behavior on his part.
If it were my husband, hmmm..not so much !
Sweet, sweet pictures and post tonight. Hang on–things will get better one day. When I was 4 months pregnant, and my husband decided that he didn’t want a family, (and left unexpectedly), I thought that my world would end. But, one day at a time, things got better. I made a promise to my son that we would always be okay because we had each other, and— five and a half years later we made it! I now have a loving, caring boyfriend that took on the responsibilities of a loving, constant role-model for my son. Looking back, I don’t know how I got through those toughest days, except that I knew I had to for my son, and I prayed that God would lead me. Thinking of your entire family and praying for strength and peace for all of you. God Bless.
I have been praying for you for the past couple of weeks and I’m happy that you are finally finding your footing again! I feel for you and your children because in my eyes how can a father abandon his children?
Your kids are SO yummy and beautiful! I hope they had a great day at school!!
such a tough season you are walking through!
I admire your courage!
Praying for your family.
Special prayers for your babies tonight. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Seeing our babies hurt has got to be one of the worst aspects of motherhood, but God has blessed your sweet ones with the Mama that they need for this time in their lives. You sound like you are doing a great job of being the Mommy that God wants you to be. Keep the faith. “Stand, then, in HIS great might…” I’m reminded of that old hymn. May the Prince of Peace comfort you tonight.
Hi Jennifer, another long time follower but dont think I have ever commented. I applaud you, you seem to be an excellent mom. Whatever happend between you and your husband is just that, “between you and your husband”. BUT………what he is doing to his babies is so wrong. In my case, my MOTHER was the one to walk out on us kids. Its been 44 years, yep, 44 years, since my “mother” decided she didnt want to be a wife or mother anymore, I have not seen her once in 44yrs, our only contact was a 10 minute phone call about 32 yrs ago! How does a MOTHER OR FATHER do that? When she left, I was 13, my siblings were 10, 9 and 5. I am now a 57 year old mother and grandmother and I have worked so hard to be the kind of mom that she NEVER was, and the privilege of being a grandmother is my biggest joy, something she’ll never know. I am saying all this because we are all permanently scarred, how can we not be? We grew up to be functioning adults and each of us handled things in our own ways, but now the older we get the more my sister and I talk about “what the hell happened back then”???? Anyway, I hope he comes to his senses for the children, but I also feel IF he is ever going to see them/have visits, etc, he needs to be in fully for the long haul. Occasional visits here and there whenever hes in the mood, with no regularity can be just as bad as not seeing him at all in my opinoin.
Am curious, is there family that helps you or spends time with the children, from your side AND his??? And I am guessing he is not helping financially as well???? You are in my prayers.