There was a slight knock on my hospital room door.
“Jennifer?” A nurse with cute, reddish, spiked hair poked her head inside the room. “Your husband is here. Shall I let him in?”
“My husband?”
“Yes. He’s here. Would you like me to let him in?”
“He’s here?”
“Uh, yes. Shall I let him in?” She was probably wondering why in tarnation I was acting so surprised and why I wouldn’t just answer her question.
My heart pounded a little. This news certainly caught me off guard. I didn’t know my husband had even heard yet about my accident. “Yes, please.”
In he walked, the man I married eight years ago, wearing the orange sweatshirt I had gotten him for Christmas on top of the black shirt I got him in Kenya this past summer. It was the first time I had seen or talked with my husband since we separated. My heart couldn’t help itself but to do a little flip flop. My joy was, however, short lived. But still. It was good to see him. Hear him.
“So what happened?” he asked.
I gave him the very condensed version. You should be proud of me. Brevity is not one of my spiritual gifts. I told him what caused me to crash and how I was feeling.
And then we talked briefly about other stuff.
And then he left. My hospital room. My field of vision. The hospital. But not my heart. He’s still right here. My flesh begs me to stay focused on all the things about our marriage and about my husband that I do not miss since being separated. But my spirit pulls at me to dwell instead on the things I do miss.
“Is your husband still around?” the nurse asked when she came back to check my blood pressure again.
“No,” I answered, fiddling with the IV it took only two tries to get into my hand, “he left.”
And then I winced in pain. Half from the ache in my side, half from the ache in my heart.
“I need the reminders these days. And also the slice of privacy I’ve sought to carve out for our family. I would like to come before you guys and ask if you would please respect my family’s privacy, doing what you can to protect our hearts. This is a time when we are clinging to the Lord, getting support from friends and being loved on by family. It is a private, difficult, personal time in our lives that for the same of our children I would like to keep on the down low on the internet. We need love and support from all angles but not disapproval or gossip from any.
We are looking forward. Looking back. And looking up. Why?
Because my husband has chosen to leave our family. ”
I think this is the reason that I am shocked that you are doing a live chat. And the because my husband has chosen to leave our family does make it seem like he up and left and not that you guys discussed it. Still praying as the children in the end are the major sufferers.
I’m not sure what your question is. Did you have a question?
Did this really happen or was it part of your dream? I’m just curious.
Why are you deleting some comments but letting through the ones that are raking your husband over the coals? That is not right. At all. And deep down, you know it. I hope this comment makes you think when you read it even if it is not posted.
What comments haven’t been posted?
If this is based on my comment below, I jumped the gun. It took a while but my comment actually did get posted. My apologies to Jennifer.
My comment wasn’t posted… It asked “How do you have time to do all of this (FB, twitter, blogging, etc.)?
I hope you saw that your comment was post and that it actually has a few replies
I have a funny felling this will not get posted.. But I am going to put my 2 cents on here.. We are only seeing one side of the story. We are NOT seeing her husbands. He has not said anything at all, we are just seeing Jen’s.
We have no idea if her husband really just upped and walked away as she stated. So until I know both sides he as well will remain in my prayers. As it does not take just one person to leave a marriage it takes 2 if we like to see it or not. One party is never perfect.
We have seen Jen post some pretty nasty and hurtful things about her husband on here.
Whatever God has in store for the family. May he lead the way.
why would this comment get through and not my honest question that I asked earlier?
Your comment where you asked about our separation and my blogging about it? If that’s the one you mean, it did get let through. I responded to it a while ago.
My sincere apologies….I just saw that my comment DID get posted. Didn’t mean to start a firestorm!
I don’t understand… Infact we know only one detail: the husband left.
We don’t know more, I feel Jennifer is handling this part with alot of tact.
Janet, that is not always true. No, there is no perfect person, but sometimes a husband or wife can just up and leave without the other person driving them away or doing something really bad. My
ex-husband left our marriage out of the blue one day. I had no idea it was coming. He told me he couldn’t handle the stress of having a handicapped child and then he was gone. That was 15 years ago.
Fortunately for me, that turned out to be the best thing that happened as I found my true soulmate about 6 years ago and we are perfectly happy. He has been more of a father to my daughter than her “real” father ever was. But I still thought it was the worst thing to have ever happened to me for awhile. So hang in there Jennifer. Whether you reconcile with your husband or not just know…it does get better.
His forgiveness and nearly unconditional acceptance of me is simultaneously heartwarming and convicting. His renewed change in behavior and attitude towards me is an exposing light on my own flaws, which stand in contrast to his. Now starkly visible are my habitual critiques of his seemingly every move.
“I used to be able to get away with murder, hiding my own actions and attitudes behind his. But, truth be told, I am not proud to say that even back then, I was every bit as awful to my husband as he was to me. Moreso in many ways. A couple of years ago, when the you know what really hit the fan, I was guilty of being more physical with him when I was angry than he ever was with me, even when he was arrested for domestic violence when I called the police after he threatened me during a fight. So deluded was I back then, that I really thought our marriage problems were all about him. As I waited patiently for him to fix himself, that is exactly what he did, while I sat blithely by, steeping in my own self righteousness. His great strides have been such a blessing to our marriage. And such a veil lifter on my own persistent negative behaviors. I now realize with shaming clarity that he was far from the only one who was bringing our marriage down. I was, too.
The only difference is that I still am.” – This was posted under “Marriage” on this blog
I wasn’t speaking to what was going on in Jennifer’s marriage. Janet made a statement about how it takes 2 to leave a marriage. I was only stating that that is not always true and gave an explanation of what happened to me followed by some encouraging words for Jennifer.
Israel knows how to blog AND comment. And Facebook and twitter now that I think about it. If he wanted to say something, he could. The fact is he probably realizes that most people are not going to look at a man who would leave his near half dozen children is a positive light, despite Jennifer having honestly vocalized the fact many of the troubles were her issues, not just his.
I think he is not saying anything because he does not want to open himself up to criticism. And if I’m wrong..well Israel, you know where the keyboard is, man.
The most disturbing part of this whole situation is the sense of entitlement that some of you people seem to have. Some guy you never met living somewhere does not owe you any explanation or comment on anything he did or didn’t do. You’re condemning someone I have a feeling you’ve never even met. The same goes for details that have not been blogged about here. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. If you don’t like the story being given, don’t read.
The demands, the supposed crying when you’re reading posts, the offers of supplies and money to someone you never met, its all disturbing. Many of you mean well, but some of you need to step away from your computer and remind yourself that you don’t know these people any more than you know someone on a reality show.
Jennifer, I wish you well. Sincerely. I hope it all works out.
Kelly, to be clear: I do not feel “entitled” to anything, most especially a statement or explanation from Israel on the state of his marital affairs.
I was simply stating..the man has multiple social media outlets which we know he can and has used many times. My only point was if he WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING, it’s not like Jennifer is the gatekeeper of the internet. He could easily blog, tweet, Facebook, and even you tube/video. IF HE WANTED TO. I was not saying what he should or should not do, merely pointing out he could make his voice heard should the desire strike him.
I apologize if that is not what you meant. I’ve just become increasingly disturbed by some of the comments on here. Some people seem to have become more invested in an Internet blog than is healthy. Its the same over-investment that causes people to send hate mail or claim to be sobbing and ignoring their kids because someone they don’t know may be getting a divorce.
To be clear, I feel badly for Jennifer, her husband, and their kids. I hope it works out for all of them, especially the kids. But I wasn’t crying, or waking up during the night to pray for them (some people posted that they were). I worry for those kids and their parents when people start to turn rather creepy and over-invested.
So, Kelly…America can walk into a theatre, sit down to watch a movie that they ALL KNOW is completely made up; become involved enough in the story line that they bawl their eyes out (this just happened to me a few weeks ago…EVERYONE around me had tears, including the men I might add)…BUT… when someone sheds tears for another person who is living a REAL LIFE painful situation it’s, in your words, “creepy?”. Hmmmm…interesting. (And just so we’re on the same page, I’m not dismissing the fact that some can, and do get obsessively involved in someone else’s life (like to the point of starting a hate blog..ahem), but feeling another’s pain and shedding a tear for them? “Creepy?”)
I don’t think that’s a fair analogy, unless you are on the movies website posting about prayers for the family in the movie and wanting to know all the details that the movie didn’t share?
@Sportsmom…Like I said, I’m not talking about the “obsessive” (go back and read my comment), but NUMEROUS have mentioned that they have been brought to tears after reading these recent heartbreaking posts about what is currently going on in Mckmama’s REAL life. It is their empathetic response. (like someone’s tearful response at an untrue movie…or another example just for you…a tearjerking book.) Explain to me why that is “creepy?”
I read that part in your comments and I think my point still stands. It’s not a fair analogy. In one case you are crying over watching a movie (or even reading a book for a more accurate analogy) and that’s where it ends most of the time, but that isn’t the case with real life people and real life blogs.
I didn’t say it was creepy, fyi, just that your analogy wasn’t fair. I’m a big sap, I have tearful expression over the most mundane things like commercials, but that doesn’t mean that I think it’s a fair analogy to expressions about real life people.
Well, I would assume we haven’t heard from him and only from Mckmama because this is her blog and he wouldn’t be blogging on here anyway. Separation is hard on every member of a family. For those of us praying for the family, we should be praying for every single member of the family, mckmama, the children, and mckdaddy alike. I hardly think what she has posted is nasty, it just may seem that way because we don’t know much of the story, which is fine, it is not ours to know and Mckmama has chosen privacy. I think we should drop the judgement (as it is really not our place to judge) and continue to pray for their family in this difficult time.
I have never seen her husband post on this blog so why would he start now? There is a good question??
We will never know the full story just Jens side…
Her husband will remain in my prayers NOT just Jen and NOT just the children. I refuse to pick sides.
I have to wonder just days ago Jen was in a hospital bed after a very bad accident not knwoing what the doctors where going to do. Now she is well enough for a live chat? I am glad she is recoverying as well as she is!
What is it that you “wonder” about, exactly?
At what point was Jennifer “not knowing what the doctors would do?”
As I saw it, WE didn’t know but I’m sure she and they did. Your comment sounds almost accusatory in nature and I apologize if I’m off the mark but what exactly is the “acceptable” period of time between being in the hospital and blogging?
Again I say Jennifer would be criticized NO MATTER WHAT- if she had waited longer to blog, people would have said “she’s stringing us along!” If she had blogged SOONER, people would have said “can you believe?!! She can’t even wait until she’s out of the HOSPITAL to start blogging!”
Comments like this are the main reason why I have never posted here before yesterday. (although I have made up for lost time today- sorry about that)
I mean what EXACTLY is expected of her and do you think it’s fair to underhandedly pick on someone in this manner? It’s insane to see how accusatory some people are. For gosh sakes. Does anyone need to go to the hospital themselves..for a PLANK-ECTOMY?!
If you click on his picture, you will see his posts, on this blog. I don’t think Jennifer has asked anyone to pick sides through this blog, has she?
Funny that you beat your breast proclaiming that her husband will remain in your prayers….. um, have you recently read her other posts? She asks MANY times for us to pray for him. This blog is FULL of people praying for him.
Glad to know you are joining them.
I was thinking the same thing.
I thought I had missed something because I couldn’t see where Jennifer was asking people to take sides, making mean comments about anyone and/or asking people not to pray for anyone.
Good to know.
Janet, when did Jen “post some pretty nasty and hurtful things about her husband on here” ? What did I miss? I have been a reader, almost daily, for over 2 years and don’t recall her saying anything hurtful about her husband. She clearly loves him and they struggle sometimes, like every couple.
This is her blog and she can write – and keep quiet — what ever she wants.
This blog post is beautifully written and to me clearly shows how much Jennifer loves her husband. They spent some time together and he left after his visit. End of story. Mentioning that he left wasn’t said to speak badly about him. What I got out of this blog post is how much she longs for her husband, and that is beautiful (and in this case painful, unfortunately).
I feel for her husband because he is in the public eye and no matter what he’d say or do would be pulled apart or criticized. He is much better off not saying anything and keeping it between the two of them. And I bet you it’s much harder to do, so I respect him, and Jennifer, for keeping private what they want to keep private. This isn’t a TV show, this is someone’s real live. They don’t owe us anything just because Jennifer happens to blog.
Jennifer, I loved this post and I hope things will get easier very soon. I could be totally wrong, but I get the sense that your husband is a lot like mine, a quiet, hard-working finish carpenter/project manager who wants to deal with what life throws at him by himself and would rather suffer by himself. If Israel is anything like my husband, he is going through a lot right now. Not just because he is separated from his family but also because of all these strangers assuming this or that. He must have a very good reason to have left, because I don’t think he is someone to just up and go. I feel for him, and for your situation, now left to figure things out while taking care of five kids. Sadly, men can leave so much easier, that’s just the truth. Moms are left to pick up the pieces and pull themselves together for the sake of the children.
Sending you a lot of strength. You can do this. One day at a time. Know that there are so many people rooting for you and wishing you well. Sei umarmt.
Thank you, Dagmar!
I’m lost, I’ve been reading this blog for a number of years and haven’t seen the nasty comments you claim exist nor have I seen Jennifer ask anyone to NOT pray for her husband. Quite the opposite really, so I guess there is another side to your comment as well. Ironic.
I HATE when people say “it takes two to end a marriage” … it is indeed sometimes true, but not always true…
exactly
my heart aches so badly for you, i tear up every time i read about the decision he made. Stay strong. All the love in the world. <3
Jennifer,
As I read your posts, I grieve for everything you are going thru. I am very much in a similar sitation as you. Sometimes when others share their stories, it helps you thru your own living hell.
My husband of 22 years, and father to our two children, now 21 and 17, decided he didn’t want a family any longer, only wanted to be responsible for himself and up & left a year ago this month. But he didn’t just leave for himself, he played DIRTY. During our marriage, 13 years ago, he suffered from clinical depression and after almost two years of fighting for his rights thru SSI, we were finally accepted. During the time of his illness he resigned from his management position in the company he’d been at for 16 years and became addicted to the computer and porn. At that same time, I was running my own house cleaning business, putting myself thru school, homeschooling our children, and became a single mother of three, rather than a married woman with two children. Even though my son has learning disabilities I soon learned we could not make it finanically, so I put the children in school, and daycare (which we agreed would never happen), and went back to work full~time. After the second major employee cutback I asked to be let go so I could take the severence package, and moved my ill husband and kids up to his parents in WA state…so he would be surrounded by unconditional love, to heal.
In WA, I took my husband by the hand and we went back to school together. Three semesters later, I took classes on my own, as did he and he dropped out. He was THAT dependent on me for support. After two years of living with his parents, SSI kicked in and we received a check. I moved my family to Los Angeles, where my children worked as actors, I managed their career, I cleaned apartments and supported my husband thru medical school. After five years of med school I had paid off my husband’s $30K student loans after he threatened suicide and/or divorce if I didn’t. Then I decided to go to school for myself, also in the medical field. I graduated in 2010, HOWEVER, I never finished my internship hours because I was suffer from a back injury due to a patient. After being taken off my internship for a year, I was released to return. I then broke my foot, which delayed my internship a full semester. Before I could return to work, my husband decided he did not want to pay child support or alimony, stating he’d rather live in jail where he gets food/shelter/clothing for free than pay support for the kids or me. He promised to see me thru school as our marriaged failed, but broke that promise when he met a woman on a World of Warcraft internet game. He sent me a letter telling me he met someone three weeks ago online and in two months he was moving out and in with her. He carefully planned, after working for UCLA for two years and after graduating the top of his class (after 5 years of successful schooling) to get back on SSI so he didn’t have to work or pay support. On the morning of Jan. 30th, 2010, he texted me and during a phone call informed me that he was on the phone with UCLA HR & SSI to figure out how to leave work & get back on SSI. When they told him how he could do that…he took a shower, got dressed up, put on cologne, then emailed his doctor that he wanted to commit suicide. Our daughter was home with him when he claimed this to his doctor. He checked himself into a hospital KNOWING he would get a release for work, which would get him back on SSI. He was held on an involuntary hold for 8 days before being released, then had to attend classes for the rest of the month of February. When he finished his classes, he moved to WA. In March he gave me full custody of our daughter & was ordered to provide her w medical benefits thru his SSI. He failed to do so. In June of last year, our 16 year old daughter was hit by a drunk driver @ over 60mph. She was the first of 18 hit as the drunk driver plowed thru a group of bicyclists. The accident almost claimed my daughter’s life. She clung to life and suprised her medical staff of 68, the detectives and all our friends & family. She was NOT expected to survive. Because she did not have insurance and I was set to begin my internship four days later (and of course could now NOT do it), I waited with bated breath for Medi~Cal to kick in. Then California Child Services. The paperwork for just those two things alone was relentless. My husband came for two weeks of the 35 days our daughter fought for her life. She suffered brain damage, many bone breaks, four breaks to her jaw alone, jaw wired shut, lacerations & punctures to vital organs, her right eye received terrible damage, ligaments torn, multiple surgeries, LOTS of radiation, collaped lungs, pneumonia, blood transfusions, …the list goes on endlessly, but the damage is all there… 7 months later she is a living, breathing MIRACLE!!! I am prevented from going to work in order to keep her Medi~Cal benefits, which she desperately needs for more upcoming surgeries, so we had to move from So Cal back to No Cal. She not only had her dad walk out on her, give her to me 100%, and had him quit is job so he only pays minimal child support, but she has to recover from this accident, give up her acting career (for the time), her school, her pets, her friends…all because her father quit his job. He is now living with his girlfriend who is pregnant with their baby, collects SSI, and works with his girlfriend, running her daycare while he is claiming to be mentally ill. I cannot work, so we have 5 adults living in a very tiny two bedroom, one bath apartment. I don’t have an income, so I cannot afford to put a roof over my children’s heads, so we moved in with others to help take the stress of the cost of rent off my shoulders while we continue to rehab my daughter.
I have been faced with more pain, hurt, betrayal and every other thing you can imagine thru all this…and I am still trying to keep my head high for my children. It is a hard, long, lonely battle, but good friends, a loving God, and amazing children will give you the courage to walk this journey you have been called to travel. I told you my story to encourage you, that no matter how dark the tunnel is, I am living proof that as you keep traveling thru the darkness, there WILL be light at the end of your tunnel. It’s there, just ahead, around the bend…it IS there!!!
I am terribly sorry for your pain. I know it well. Your blog has brought me much happiness through out the years, and now it brings me sorrow & pain.
I don’t know the reason for my own journey, or why something of such magnitude could happen to my absolutely precious daughter…but it did and I have to make the best out of it. I have always appreciated the little things in life…I have always been humbled for my blessings… I never knew how much lower I could sink, or how many more hits I could take before crumbling…but I am still here, standing. I can barely feed my children…but I am SO incredibly grateful to a God who allowed my child to live and even though our apartment is tiny, it’s a roof over our heads!!!
I am here if you need to talk…
Praying for you & yours.
Oh my, what a journey you have been one. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there mama.
My word, honey. I am so sorry. It was bad enough having to tell everyone when my husband left with the most cliche “it’s not you, it’s me”. If I’d had to add he was shacking up with a world of warcraft..person..oh, Lord.
I will definitely be praying for you, and I praise our father for your daughter’s miracle recovery.
Just a note..when my husband left, some of my friends threw me an “I’m gonna wash that man right outta my hair” luncheon where we ate great food and they all brought gifts of fine shampoos and hair products. It was not “celebrating” the end of a marriage, but was meant to cheer and encourage me. Which it did.
I only mention it in case you might benefit from getting a nice bottle of shampoo…..and well you know the rest..
The SSI fraud hotline number is 1-800-269-0271 just for your information, too many people out there are trying to cheat the system and preventing those that really need it from getting it!
You’re in my prayers Holly.
Hi Mckmama,
Hopefully you won’t get divorced but I want you to know that anything you write online can and will be used against you in a custody battle. Just a friendly warning.
Sarah
Whatever strikes Jennifer may have against her in the “should I have said that..?” department, the bottom line, black and white facts are this:
The childrens’ mother has no criminal record.
The childrens’ father has pled guilty to domestic violence against a woman pregnant with his critically ill unborn child.
Based solely upon this one fact, I seriously doubt a custody mediator is going to care a lot about Jennifer’s blog.
(I am NOT denigrating Israel, I believe his is truly sorry for his poor choices and he has paid the debt the justice system asked of him. I am only pointing out that in a custody case where the mother with a clean record who has provided virtually all of the full time child raising and educating is up against the father WITH a domestic violence record who has done maybe 5% of child raising…..well I’ll just say in the event Israel DID seek custody, I don’t think Jennifer would have a lot to worry about.
This is a moot point as I’m sure custody will be worked out amicably but even if there was an issue, this blog would have little to no direct affect on any custodial or marital issues.
I understand where you are coming from. But here is where I am coming from. I am a child custody evaluator for the first district court in Minnesota. I am well aware of cases that are lost on personal blogs, tweets and Facebook. I see this kind of thing all the time. I also went through a custody battle with my kids and know year the opposing side did bring up social media. So although I understand where you are coming from, I respectfully disagree. It is a misnomer that mothers automatically gets sole physical and legal custody. Minnesota often grants 50/50 as a standard. It is more difficult to prove to the court why a father should not get 50/50 custody.
Sarah, believe me I have seen firsthand how the “mothers always get custody” myth is just that.
A friend of mine assumed she would get physical custody because she was breast feeding but her husband played low and dirty and she ended up with joint legal and physical rather than joint legal and primary physical. And her ex was a horrible parent. But he was a rich horrible parent and his lawyer was a monster to my friend.
I also agree blogs, Facebook, etc can be the axis on which custody is lost/changed. And while I certainly respect your opinion as someone in the know about such matters, I only meant in THIS CASE I really don’t see Jennifer’s blog being a hindrance in any legal fashion. Anything she may have spoken of in the realm of financial difficulties for them or legal troubles for him are all public record. I’m not saying those issues don’t come into play, only that in this case what’s on the blog itself is not an issue.
Hi Liza. Thanks for the response. I do worry about some things that Mckmama has posted. Although some things may not seem a big deal, they can be in court. Not just by a mud throwing lawyer but just in general. There are several red flags that I see if I was asked to do a custody eval. One of them being the “bashing” of the father of the kids. If I was the opposing side I would focus on this because it’s one of the thirteen points of best interests of the kids we look at. Just my two cents.
Can you explain exactly where you think I have “bashed” the father of my children? Thanks!
Sarah, simply making a factual statement (“he has chosen to leave our family”) is quote unquote BASHING?
I realize it’s a negative thing to say but what makes it so is the action Israel took, not Jennifer relaying said action.
I have another question: if Jennifer and Israel did have a custody battle (purely hypothetical of course) and it landed on your desk, would you have to..what’s that term..”recuse” yourself or would anyone who was a reader of the blog? I’m just curious.
I would point to your followers. Although you have no say in what other people say, you do control what is allowed on your site. One could argue that you don’t respect the father of your kids because you allow such comments. Not saying that is the case but that is how the other side could spin it. I think by blogging you open yourself up to anyone taking anything they want to. This is often the case in family court. You may not mean it in a negative light but the other side will. Example, a woman put on her Facebook page…my soon to be ex is driving me nuts. I hate him. The comments were in favor of the woman saying things like…hes a jerk, your better without him, etc. Now this doesn’t seem too bad. Just a woman venting right? Well the judge stated it caused a toxic environment for the kids. She was ordered to stop. She did but her friends did not. She ended up with less custody then she wanted because of that. I’m not saying you are bashing your ex but some of your readers are. Just be careful.
I’m curious to know what type of background child custody evaluators have in your state and what kind of weight they are given in court.
Liza. Her case would not end up in my county unless she moves to Dakota county which is no where near her. I would not recuse myself unless a judge stated I needed to. As for a custody evaluator, you usually need a masters degree in social work, paychology or often times a law degree. I have a masters degree in clinical social work, working towards a law degree and phd in social work. I specialize in parental alienation, high conflict divorce and co-parenting and attachment theory. I have been doing independent child custody evals for 10 years, have my own divorce coaching business and good in home counseling. Thats my background.
Darn auto correct
I meant I do family in home therapy. As for how much wait an eval has. It depends on the judge but I will say 95% of what we suggest in our findings will be awarded to the parents. We hold a lot of weight and we look at everything. The normal eval in a normal custody issue can take 2-3 months. In a high conflict custody issue 3-5 months is the norm. They can cost from 3000-15,000. And to say that a blog doesn’t have any weight, in my professional opinion, that’s the first thing I would look at. Comments, tweets and Facebook.
5% of child raising are you kidding me this man was with those children more than Jennifer while she traveled etc. Domestic violence, re-read her post regarding that night where she states that SHE was more violent that night than he was.
Erin, I am not diminishing anyone’s culpability on “that night”. But there is a reason why Israel was charged with a crime and Jennifer was not. She may say “it was as much my fault as his” but you know what, MOST WOMEN who have been battered or threatened by a spouse say that. I respect and admire Jennifer but her refrains of
It was mostly my fault
I was pressing his buttons
and the like are CLASSIC outcries from domestic violence victims. There is no excuse for hurting or threatening your pregnant wife, END OF STORY. Israel admits his bad decisions and accepts blame for his actions that night.
Regarding Israel spending “more time with them while she was traveling”..if you added up ALL the time Jennifer traveled alone, it still would not add up to 5% of the childrens’ collective lives. And travel for photography should not even be factored in since Jennifer only did that at times due to Israel’s lack of income/work.
It’s easy to see who the primary care provider is and less than six total months of travel over 8 years by the mother does not mean the father should be the custodial parent.
It sounds to me like you just want to dog Jennifer and put Israel on a pedestal.
It really does not hold much weight in the family court as who is primary care giver. As I stated previously, Minnesota has 50/50 set as standard. If the father went to court and asked for that, he most likely would get it. The fact that she was gone a lot for her job can play a role in custody. If he can show the court that he provided a stable home for them when she often traveled, it can play a factor. As for the DM conviction, I would look at her blog post that claimed she was more violent. It’s just something an evaluator looks at.
Who the primary caregiver was before the divorce doesn’t hold much weight when deciding physical custody? Are you kidding me? So, who the child is most attached to (which is most likely the primary caregiver) doesn’t matter? From my experience, I beg to differ.
I also have not found that judges go with an evaluators parental custody choice 95% of the time. And I was astounded that you go to tweets, comments, and Facebook as the FIRST place you look to evaluate parents. ( “And to say that a blog doesn’t have any weight, in my professional opinion, that’s the first thing I would look at. Comments, tweets and Facebook.”) Interviews with the children should be the first factor. You probably look at what’s on the net first because it fits in with your expertise in parental alienation, which is a big buzz word right now.
I understand the ramifications of the net, that’s why I don’t blog, tweet, or Facebook. But I think your reliance on it in custody cases is a simplistic choice.
I’m not attacking you, Sarah, it is just a system that is broken. All across the country, we have given our family courts and our custody issues over to anyone with a degree purporting to be in the best interest of the child. People do not realize who is making these choices for children. It is shocking and heartbreaking.
Second to the last sentence should be: People do not realize who is responsible for making these choices for children.
E. Can I ask you what your background is? When handling custody cases, being primary care giver does not necessarily give you more custody. It just doesn’t. That is why a lot of women are surprised when they are not automatically given sole physical. As for the first place I look, greatly depends on the case. As for parental alienation syndrome, It’s rare and over used. If you retread my statement I stated that I would read here first, in this case. As for custody evals, they do in MN courts. I’m sorry you feel the need to be rude in your response but I work in the system every day. I also went through a high conflict custody battle. I know what the courts look for. I also see the mistakes parents make that cost them their kids.
primary caregiver doesn’t matter in a custody battle. I stayed home with my kids for 10 years and was the sole primary caregiver then I got divorced. I thought for sure I would get full custody… we ended up with joint custody 50/50 and I was livid. My kids went from being with me all the time to being at my house one week and his house the other week. This was a huge adjustment for us and didn’t end up working out we ended up making our own arrangement. So it is very true primary caregiver doesn’t matter. The judge and courts feel that both parents are equally important and deserve equal time with their children.
Just out of curiosity , Sarah, why are you so sure that Jen would not want Israel to see his children?
In our county, if a parent is the primary caregiver and there are no issues against them, they continue to have the dominant time of physical custody.
I can definitely see how a change like that would be hard on your children. As you saw first hand, keeping the primary caregiver the same after the divorce is important, which is why our judges value that attachment.
I hope things are better now for you and your family.
Nicole. Where did I state that I thought Mckmama didn’t want Israel to see the kds? I guess others know better than me regarding custody issues. Good luck mckmama. If you are getting a divorce, may I suggest a collaborative divorce. Saves money and is child focused. The way divorce should be.
It feels like when you see them after they’ve left you….you’re seeing a mirage. It’s him, but it’s not. You can see him, hear him but when you try to touch him he’s gone. I promise, the ache will eventually be gone. Keep your head up. God will look out for you.
Sooo wish I could be there to give you a hug right now! Drove by the Botanic Gardens today and thought of you.
I am so sorry you are going through this Jennifer. My prayer is that the Lord will calm, and comfort your heart and the hearts of your precious children.
Be still and Wait on the Lord.
My heart is so sad for you…and your kids…and your husband. I’m praying comfort, strength and redemption over your marriage and family. And for quick healing over you. So sorry you’re going through so much but never forget that God is holding you through it and that you’ve got LOTS of people praying for you all.
I hope our Lord continues to soften both your and Israel’s hearts, my dear!
I truly hope that seeing you in the hospital has at the VERY least made Israel realize that life is short and he should be there for his children. It’s one thing to walk out on a marriage, but when you stated that he left “the family” that really is unacceptable! I hope he realizes how very much his children need their daddy!!!
praying for you guys to have a reconciliation, but if not, at least he can be a daddy to those 5 precious little cuties! hope you are recovering and getting the rest that you need!
praying for you.
tara
I have to be honest…there have been many days where this blog was my bright spot…times when I can here to laugh and times when I came here to be encouraged. I think if many readers were honest they would agree.
Now that things are not so sunny in MckMamma land…I here people suggesting that there be a “break” I think if Jen felt the need for a break…we would all understand and respect that. At this point the blog continues. I am pretty sure that this was a prayerful decision. I feel that we need to support MckMamma in that decision. I feel this way for many reasons….but my top two are these: 1. Some of us have come her for support in the past and now it is our turn to turn around and offer a cyber hug back. 2. There is the matter of money. One of the reasons this blog existed was as a source of income…income that supported a growing family. Many things have impacted the amount of funding this blog produced and that in itself must be causing stress in the MckHousehold right now. I do not know of any job that Jen could on the spur of the moment that would support herself, five children and pay for daycare. Let’s be real friends! I think Jen needs our support behind her decision to continue the blog. Ok…that is my sermon for the day.
amen.
I really need spell check!
Mckmama, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Things will look up!
I was in your shoes a few years ago, and thought the world had literally come to an end. I was so sad and discouraged. I decided to pull up my big girl panties and make myself happy. I placed my focus solely on my children and myself and now I am deliriously happily married to a wonderfully supportive and loving man. He has been an incredible husband to me, and wonderful Daddy to my 3 kids. We are now expecting our first child together and life couldn’t be better. I never imagined just a few years ago that my life could change so drastically and for the better!
So hang in there, just when you least expect it, there just might be another prince waiting to sweep you off your feet, too!
Please don’t laugh, but why are folks calling Jennifer’s husband Israel? For some reason I’m drawing a complete blank as to what his first name is (again, please don’t laugh; I’m having a nerve-wracking day today for personal reasons I’d rather not share). I’m normally very good with names, but right now I couldn’t save my life to say what Jennifer’s husband’s name is. However, I’m pretty sure that when I did read it somewhere, it was NOT Israel. So now I’m confused. Sorry to sound so lame.
Still thinking good thoughts for the WHOLE family!
Cheers,
Shari K. in California
I’m pretty sure his name is Israel.
It’s Israel.
Jennifer’s Husband’s name is Israel.
I’m pretty sure his name IS Israel.
That is his name for real…
Probably because it is Isreal, lol
That is his name.
That’s actually his name.
yep that’s his name;)
How many people does it take to give a single answer? Appears to be 9 so far…Oh but in case you didn’t get it, his name is Israel.
Looks like most of those answers came in the same “chunk” of moderation… comments don’t show up immediately. I *almost* answered, then thought to myself “There are probably 15 of the same answer awaiting moderation.” So I didn’t.
Ugh, now I read my comment and it sounds judge-y. It’s not! I’m not saying everyone else should have thought what I did!!!
Just stating what my thought process was! OK, I’ll stop talking now! Sigh.
The Lord your God in your midst,The Mighty One, will save;He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 Jennifer I am praying for you! Janet
You know, I want so badly for things to be ok for Mckmama, but I can’t help but comment that this blog feels a little bit like a soap opera or tv drama series. I don’t know what the solution is (not write about personal things, make the blog private, take a break from blogging, write about different and less personal stuff,?) and perhaps its just how Mckmama’s life is in “real life”…kind of nutty and wild. It’s always something topsy and turvy here…and yes, its keeps me and all of you coming back. I truly want to believe her and the her stories but I cant help but wonder…I so hope we aren’t being fooled. And the fact that readers continue to wage war against one another is just crazy and very unproductive.
And whether or not, this is all really happening to Jennifer, I will still continue to pray for her and for her kids. Either way, its all really, really sad and so unhealthy and unstable for the children. That is who I feel terribly, terribly sad for. I am a product of divorced parents and while I have moved on and have a very healthy marriage and 4 kids, divorce never leaves you. There is a little sadness that I carry around with me all the time-especially as my parents are aging and my mom is alone. Divorce is tough. But then again so is marriage. It takes a whole lot of work to make it work…
I want the best for everyone involved and hope and pray that what is written here is truthful and honest.
Blessings,
Amy
Well said.
This is NOT from me.
You’re right. It wasn’t. It was from me (I specified my name more).
I think that AmyD couldn’t have said this more tactfully.
Thank you. As I said, I am continuing to pray for Jennifer for a number of reasons…and couldn’t we all use a little prayer now and then? I think so:)
Most definitely!
I was wondering the same thing.
Last year we were robbed, my husband lost his job, my son went blind, we had two horrible infestations of lice, we found out the house my 8 year daughter slept over at several times (her best friend) was a drug house and the kids were likely sexually abused, our 10 year old cat got pregnant, i developed severe depression, my husband became depressed….so no I don’t believe it’s all made up. When your life just keeps going down the rabbit hole, you wish you were making it up. When you look around and everyone else’s life looks almost perfect in comparison and you want to cry out “why me?? I can’t take anymore!”. I can’t imagine what it would be like if people started doubting what I went through…
Amen!
I have all this stinkin money I want to send you but you don’t reply….
maybe you could donate to a local womens shelter or a marriage counseling service, or something like that instead.
I remember when Stellan was in the hospital Jennifer asked people to send their donations elsewhere as they were being taken care of. Maybe that’s how she feels now?….
my husband died last year and left me with nothing ill take your money
Be still and know that He is God. Listen to God’s word. Hold steadfast. And He will turn your sorrows into joy. I am praying for peace, comfort and joy for you and your children. I am also praying for Israel, that he may take this time to seek God’s face.
I really liked this piece of writing. I appreciate your words so much and I like these glimpses we get of “Jennifer the writer” as opposed to just blogger. It was simple, and heartbreaking and lovely. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m so glad he visited. I am praying for both of you. I’m so sorry things are so tough right now.
Jennifer… I see you. And I affirm your heart. Hang in there. Continuing to pray for all of you. xoxo
i’m just sitting here crying. my kids are taking advantage and stealing popcicles.
a song. brings me comfort
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
–Your Hands, JJ Heller
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-F6DGGF4Qs
I left my husband last June. I had had enough of the abuse and control. Long story but after praying for five years for God to give me a way through or a way out, He answered and gave me both. It ripped my heart out. I literally left with nothing but a box of clothing and $500 since the husband had drained all our accounts when he heard I was leaving.
It’s been months and I still cannot hear his voice. It’s too soon. He wants to talk for closure. I’ve heard enough.
BUT….out of what I left with, God has blessed me abundantly more than I ever imagined with a beautiful and supportive family letting me live rent free until I pay off my debts (divorce is so expensive), I got alimony, which my lawyers assured me would never happy, I was provided the opportunity to buy a nice car for myself and God has surrounded me with love I have never known. And I am not even that great of a Christian.
He WILL give you beauty for ashes, my friend. He will reward you greatly for the harvest you have sewn in so many ways. He will restore your life in unimaginable ways. It’s His promise. And I believe it with all my heart for you.
“And I am not even that great of a Christian.”
LOL That’s the best quote! You don’t have to be a great Christian for good things to happen. But I bet God is thankful for your thankful heart. I’m glad you got out of a horrible situation!!
I’ll keep praying for you all. That you heal quickly physically and that your’s and your husband’s hearts heal so that you can again be reunited.
Heartbreaker. Hold fast to the Lord; may He lift your head, be your strong shelter, and help you to guard your heart through the ups and downs of this. Praying for all of you.
My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.
Psalm 2: 5-8
I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord
Psalm 40: 1-3
Where can we send you money? I want to help you-I feel so bad. My prayers are with you but I want to do more!
Jennifer,
Still praying for you and Israel’s marriage. Perhaps you can talk to your pastor and see if he can intervene and counsil both of you separately. Sometimes a pastor can get through to a husband when the wife cannot. Counsiling can only help, if nothing else, it will give you a place to vent and sooth your weeping heart.
Blessing to you and your family including your husband. Contrary to many I believe writing it out does somehow soothe soul and sometimes having nice words of encouragement as many have posted is just what you need in a time like this. I also hope your husband reads your blog and understands you love him. You love him for all his faults and you love him even after leaving you and your children. That is so hard to do. Our brains think differently than our hearts do and it is much easier when they are on the same path, however having children and trying to be a strong woman that is so hard to accomplish. I wish you well and hope that whatever God has in your plan your heart and brain will allow you to follow. Feel better soon!
Lisa
Aww! That must be so hard and difficult. I can only imagine your pain
I bet you wished he could stay and talk longer
Jennifer,
Praying for restoration in all areas of your life.
Blessings,
Heather
For some reason Angie’s story of the broken pitcher came to mind and I thought it might minister to you.
http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/05/the-past-and-the-pitcher/
Awwww Jennifer I hear you and so has anyone who has or is going through the same thing.
Surely the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life. You described the mixed emotions to a “t”. Flip flopping through the sorrow, love, pain, bad & good memories, yearning……………and then again the HOPE we have in Christ………..all at the SAME time……in the amount it time it takes us to draw one single breath……..as you saw the face of your husband.
What other hope do we have on this earth but God? There is none.
Hang in there. God has a plan for your life. Truly He is your only comfort right now.
God bless.
Praying for you Jennifer and everything that you are going through. As a pastor once told me the Lord chooses who you marry and therefore He is sovereign in your decision. I’m not speaking from experience, but I know what the bible says and I know that everyone struggles in their marriages. I saw that you said this was the first time you had seen your husband since the separation, and I would just encourage you to pursue him as Christ pursued us and wooed us (Ephesians 2:1-9). Christ doesn’t just sit around and wait for us to come to him. Just tell and show how much you love him and even If he never returns you know you did all you could. I don’t know all the details of course, so of you have already tried this then disregard my advice. I’ve been burdened for you and your family and have been lifting you up in prayer. Praying for your quick recovery
So glad he at least took the time to come see you. still praying for you all.
Praying for you! Keep fighting the enemy of your soul, your marriage & your family! I praying God draws your husband back into your life! Do keep focusing on the good and praying like mad!!
MckMama, you and your family are never far from my thoughts, and always in my prayers.
Your husband loves God, you love God, it seems like everything would just work out, doesn’t it?
I think the hardest thing we went through in our marriage made me realize that marriage doesn’t break down because of communication, or other superficial things. Marriage is tough because it’s contains 2 sinners. The deepest hurt came from sin. Counseling didn’t fix the sin, overlooking it didn’t fix it. I think I learned so much about God during that time. I learned how he loves me unconditionally and what that means.
It took my mom 9 years to leave my dad when the affairs started. If anyone fought, she did. People are right, love doesn’t just turn off like a switch. God designed it that way, and he personally joined you and Israel together. Eventually, years after their divorce, God brought another man into my mom’s life that claimed her heart, and I think the hurt has left her.
I think it’s pretty obvious that your readers are hoping right along with you that this is temporary. We can’t believe it either.
I think Israel is as lost as you are right now. Just hang onto the Lord. Let him be your husband, your support, and seek after Him. Put your weight on that. He won’t let you down, and he’ll work on Israel too. I’ve found that I can bare almost anything when my eyes are on him. I hope that’s an encouragement. Know there is a thick cloud of prayer around your whole family…Israel too.
such kind true words!
Love this comment.
Isaish 54:5
“For your Maker is your husband–the LORD Almighty is his name–the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth”.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 (23 years now). I know the heartache at just the mere thought of being without him so I can only imagine your pain. My heart aches for you both. I’m so so sorry you have to endure this. My prayers for you today and just that…for you to get through TODAY, and that slowly you will start to put the pieces back together. Focus on Jesus and not any failures. God bless you Jennifer
OH shoot. This one got me Jenn. I’m so sorry honey. It hurts my heart to think of how you’re feeling. I’m praying for a MIRACLE! God has done bigger things than restore a marriage so I’m not giving up hope!
xoxoxo
Even though is a blog and we don’t personally know you, I ended up in tears after reading these last few posts. I have been a reader for quite sometime and rarely post. But this situation you are unfortunately finding yourself in is close to my heart, I wont go into detail seeing as that isn’t necessary. However my husband and I separated two years ago and we are just now to the point where we can sit and talk again without feeling like the other is going to run for the hills due to lack of communication. I pray for you and your kids. I have a little one as well and the pain e was causing my daughter made me so mad. However like many have said your heart is still with him. I pray for your recovery and your health, your kids, your emotional well being.. Being a mother is the hardest job we will ever do but being able to put a smile on your face and having the strength to make three meals a day when your heart is aching takes a immense amount of courage and strength so I pray for you. The days end and with that comes the promise of a new one.. A quote I heard once and have applied to my life is “When you are finished ripping apart, God comes in and starts repairing the wounds” you may feel alone but you are being lifted up in prayer by so many. We care about you and your family, even if the best we can do is send a virtual hug. Thanks for sharing your story as hard as it is, and letting some of us know that we aren’t alone in this hard journey and that life is hard but there are people living what they are going through. In a way is peace of mind.. Thankfulness that we aren’t alone. Thanks Jennifer! Prayers for you!
I wish the best for you and your family. I am an infrequent poster, frequent reader….I know this is your blog, your hobby, your outlet but my gut feels compelled to offer some friendly advice. Err on the side of sharing less of your deepest thoughts and tribulations publicly in these most difficult days. While it may feel cathartic now (and generate blog revenue), the “future you” may feel quite differently. Do you need an outlet? YES! Should that outlet be something publicly and permanently documented for all cyberspace? Only you can know that. Nothing is really deleted once it’s been put out there.
Been reading for a while now…comment rarely.
Jennifer, I am praying with you. Daily, I will add your prayers to mine. I dont’ k now what the right thing to say is. I don’t know what God would will me to say at this moment. I don’t know His plans or Israel’s plans. But I do know this, you have a lot of readers offering up their hearts here and I think that’s such a blessing.
You’re being prayed for and I hope you feel that.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with so very much…you’re being stretched and God’s at work. Hang in there, dive deep into your faith right now, take this time to love on your babies and pray for your husband…but live, too. Laugh a lot. Smile. Do something enjoyable each day-for yourself and with your kiddos. Life is very short-your accident proves how fast it can be over. You were spared and I think that means you’ve still got ‘stuff’ to do here.
Jennifer,
My very dear and best friend, whom I lost a couple years ago always reminded me of this when I was hurting from events in my life:
From Rain Comes Flowers, Everytime. I promise.
Hugs and prayers to your and your MSC
Mel, that is a beautiful saying.
It reminds me of another, similar one, which I also think is inspiring. It’s from Lady Bird Johnson, and goes: “Where flowers bloom, so does hope!”
Cheers,
Shari K. in California
When one part of the body hurts, the whole body hurts and sister…..my heart is hurting for you. This past Sunday our pastor was talking about Jesus feeding the 5000 and how he was so moved with compassion for them. He loved these people and was moved by that pit in His stomach because of His love. Sister, you are a fellow believer, walking a very hurt, lonely at times, scary road and my heart hurts for you this morning. I will say, I am not merely a “fan” of Mckmama, I love you as a sister in Christ…….I am a believer (saved since I was 6) and I know you are as well. These roads the Lord lets us go down, are scary ones-they cause pain, hurt, questioning everything we thought we knew but through these scary, dark valley seasons……God is always faithful, His love is unfailing and it is the only thing that keeps us standing….even if it is for 10 mins at a time. Facing some difficult seasons right now with the health of our four year old boy, I am clinging to the Psalms. They were written for times like what this and I am so thankful. I read some of the same ones over and over again but that way, I can remember them throughout my day. Looking at the road we have ahead, I am scared (50/50 shot of liver transplant for my son) but God is faithful…..nothing else is and all I can do is cling, hang out, immerse myself in that. I have been reading Ps 31 daily and even in David’s “dying of grief”, at the end, He proclaims of placing His hope in Him. Jennifer, please know, everytime I think of you, your kids, your husband throughout my day or hopping on the computer, you are prayed for…..just like many others that I am sure are doing the same thing for you.
I have always enjoyed reading your blog. I enjoy reading about how you get so much accomplished with your msc. I enjoy reading about the food you feed them, the recipes you share, and the natural cleaners you use. You don’t owe me or any of your readers any sort of explanation about anything! A blog should be there just to read. I do read it and then pray for healing for your marriage and for you, physically. Keep up the good work taking care of your msc! Keep praying for your husband. Be very careful what you share about him. You obviously have a lot of people who are judging every area of your life, especially your marriage. Even your fans could very easily misjudge what is going on in your marriage. Give up your blog and facebook if that is what it takes to restore your marriage. As much as your fans enjoy reading about your day to day life, I am sure they would much prefer to see your marriage healed. Praying for peace for you and restoration physically and in your family and marriage!
Oh, my….my heart aches for you right now. I was in tears when I got done reading this post. The fact that he showed up to see you were means a lot of things-especially that he does still care for you.
I continue to pray for you-your health, your recovery, your strength, your heart, your spirit, you. I also continue to pray for your husband-for his heart, his mind, his decisions, his strength. And of course your wonderful children-that they still remain the wonderful children that they are and full of love.
May today and everyday forward be filled with blessings and good things for you!
Made me cry too (then again, I’m pregnant and hormonal and cry when I lose a card game to my kids or find out we ran out of sugar…). I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and that was after chasing him for 3 years. He’s been my only love. We’ve been through some horrendous times but thankfully never a separation. I’ve never experienced a painful relationship break up, other than as a child experiencing my parents’ divorce.
But I get very emotional when I hear about it or listen to songs etc. I can’t imagine how much it must hurt and feel like you’re being ripped apart. I guess it’s like that stuff they tell you as a teen to scare you off if premarital sex: when two people join together it’s like gluing two sheets of paper together. You can’t ever separate them without tearing one or most likely both. I guess you’re at that point just now, the slow ripping apart. Like slowly peeling a bandaid off a raw wound, ripping a layer of skin with it, in slow motion. The part you’re going through just now will be the hardest of the whole journey.
Then it will gradually begin to get better. Once you’ve finished ripping apart you can begin the healing stage. God can do an awesome repair job on the torn up paper. That’s the stage where you’ll feel stronger and stronger every day. Where you rediscover who you are, find strength in your identity in Christ and begin taking strides and leaps in place of baby steps. That’s the stage of thriving and soaring.
You’ll get there. You’ll be there. I’m so sorry it’s so hard right now.
I just wanted you to know I have been praying for you…my heart is breaking for your situation. I read this article recently and thought it was neat…….
http://mobile.theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
Praying. God can work miracles
Susan
Susan, thanks for posting the link to that article. I am so glad I took the time to read it! A really poignant reminder that happiness starts within…we can’t expect our spouses/marriages, children, parents, etc. to make us happy. People will always disappoint…it’s our human nature. But with God, we can always find joy in whatever situation we find ourselves in. Happiness is fleeting…but everlasting joy is in the Lord!
More people need to be reminded of this~~man will always let us down, Jesus never will. I see so many young girls(my nieces on FB) saying, “If only I had a boyfriend, I would be happy.”
I pray for this family. There are things we don’t know and shouldn’t know.
Right now, Jen needs to “trust in the Lord with all her heart.” I am sure she is doing just that.
Susan, thank you for sharing that article. I needed to read that today.
Excellent article Susan. Thank you for posting it.
Excellent article! I know when people are hurting they want everyone else to hurt like they do but it takes love to give them space without being drawn into it. I think there would be less divorce if everyone at least read and considered this when faced with a unhappy spouse.
Great article.
I missed your posts. I love the heart that went into this one. I’m so sorry for all you are going through. Glad he visited you, though.
I keep going back to a time in my life when my heart was broken by a boyfriend. I was in my mid-twenties and really thought we were going to marry. When he broke up with my I was crushed. It did not help that all he could say was “I just can’t do this anymore” I so thought if I prayed for him to get through the difficult time he was going through, he would come back to me. It took me a long time to get over him and he was just a boyfriend. How much more painful this must be for you. He is your husband. You promised to be with him forever. You have already worked through so many hard times. Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry this is happening. I am praying daily for strength you need to make it through the next 24 hours until you can see a little farther.
To finish my story, I am now married with 3 kids. The other guy has married and divorced but has also become a christian (although he said he was at the time and did attend church and pray and say all the right things). I look back and know our break up was an answer to prayer. I had prayed and written in my journal asking God to have him break up with me if we were not right for one another because I did not have the strength to do it my self. I look forward to hearing how God works this our for you.
No one ever knows what to say to someone in these situations. Even if we’ve been through the same thing (separation, car accident, etc); it really isn’t the same. Each and every person’s personal struggles during tough times are just that; personal. And different. No one can really understand how anyone else feels because even with the same circumstance, we all feel in our heart what we feel. And no one way is right or wrong. It’s just how we deal.
I wish I had words of encouragement. I don’t. I’ve shared with you the similar road I’m walking; but it still isn’t the same. I do, however, keep thinking of something that my former pastor said to me once. I was complaining, saying that I did not want a special needs child, I did not want him to have to see a neurologist every two months, I didn’t WANT any of this. My pastor looked and me and said “Well, Julie, I’m sorry. But you don’t get that. THIS is what you do get. How will you use it?”. It meant so much to me at the time and still does. It is true, ya know?! We DON’T want a lot of things that get thrown our way. But just because we don’t want them; doesn’t mean we don’t get them anyway. And when we do; how WILL we use it? I don’t know. It spoke to me so I thought I’d share with you.
I will pray for your family during this time of trouble.
xo
Those are really wonderful words of wisdome Julie. I needed to hear them at the moment as well.
I’d say that he’s going to have a rude wake up call no matter what when he realizes how much child support he’s going to have to pay for 5 children. You want to play, you gotta pay.
Totally unnecessary comment. Not in any way helpful or encouraging. Going through something like this is not playing a game. We don’t know the details of what is going on. Do you think if her husband reads this it is going to help her situation any? Unless of course you are privy to all the details of their marriage. Again, why are comments like this being allowed through? You can’t have it both ways Jennifer. “I love my husband and won’t give up, please respect him and pray for him” and at the same time “Ha ha I will show him, if he leaves he will have to pay”. Just my opinion, take it for what it is worth.
It’s very interesting what comments she lets through and those she doesn’t.
Oh, I am crying out for you right now. I don’t know what else I can offer you except prayers!
{{hugs}}
In case you didn’t read these words yesterday, I want to make sure you see them today:
When the difficult things take time, the impossible ones just take a little longer.
Hang on, Sis.
I am literally in tears as I read this….my heart goes out to you. I do not know the whole story on the situation between you and your husband. I will not assume to know. Just know that it good to put your thoughts and feeling down whether privately or publicly. Know that you and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of many. Hang in there! Cling to those beautiful children, their love for you, and the love of the Almighty.
Oh Jennifer, my heart breaks for you right now. I am trying to put myself in your place and having that encounter with my own husband would have sent me into a million pieces. You are so brave, wonderful, and strong that you held yourself together like that.
I know that should things continue to not work out you will be able to move on and make a new life for yourself and your children. Keep your chin up, know that soo many people pray for you right now, and remember how strong and amazing you are!!
xoxox
Jennifer, I’m so glad to see you are back blogging. I’m praying for health and healing for you and your precious family. As far as your marriage only you and your husband know why this seperation is the best for you – as it should be. I hope you can work it out and come back together but if you cannot, I pray that at least you can become friends in time. It would be much better for the kids if both their mom and dad are at least friendly with each other. And, out of respect for the father of your kids, please keep private what should be private – this will probably go a long way in the two of you finding your way back to each other.
Sometimes, God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
My first husband left me also. We didn’t have children, but I empathize with you. We had been friends for 15 years and were together through our college years. After he left, my head tried to remind me of all the ‘bad’ things but my heart kept reminding me of all the ‘good’ things. Eleven years later, I am happily re-married to a wonderful man and we have 2 children. I’m also finally able to look back at my first marriage positively and know that this was God’s plan all along.
Jennifer–I’m thinking about you so much this week. Huge hugs and prayers that you feel better soon (both in mind and spirit). You will always be connected to him, because of the children but if he is not going to give it effort you need to begin moving on for yourself, for the kids, etc. I really hope he comes around and you all are able to give it another chance, but life is sometimes just not like that. HUGE Hugs, again.
I know you said to pray for your husband as well, but that’s hard to do when you look at your kids’ pictures on the side of your blog. He left those children…and that type of person is very hard to pray for
Glad that you are going to be alright, and I do pray for you and the children. I hope the physical pains subside soon and you heal quickly without any more complications!
It isn’t right to judge Israel, you don’t know the situation and yes we all should be praying for him as well.
You’re right we SHOULD pray for him, she was stating that that is hard to do and I agree, it IS hard to pray for him. I AM one of those praying for him but the thought of him leaving regardless of why is still a hard pill to swallow. There are no judgements, just stating a fact.
It takes two to tango and two to untangle. We don’t know what happened between them. I can say I seriously doubt it was all him. WE should pray for both of them. Of course a mother of 5 will get most of the sympathy, but……..
I totally agree with Lorri. NO ONE here KNOWS what actually HAPPENED between them. Everyone should stop hating on Israel. Jennifer made reference that is was “mostly her fault.” Personally, I would share NONE of this on a blog, nor would I tweet or facebook about it. I can see asking for prayer but as for getting into all the details, or giving just enough information for people to guess what is going on well that is just ludicrous.
I think many women will accept things as their fault when they clearly are not just to keep the peace and sometimes the family together. It always takes two to tango, blame has to fall on both involved equally.
Marital problems are not new to Jennifer and Israel we’ve seen this marriage go through some major ups and downs over the years. I don’t think anyone could ever say that they haven’t tried to save this marriage. They have. I truly believe that God has decided their time together as man and wife is over. If God wanted them together, they would not be apart. Simple as that. They need to enter a new phase of parenting together and (hopefully) being friends while moving on in their respective lives. I wish both of them nothing but peace and happiness, together or apart.
I understand what you mean, RobynGA. I think where pray comes in for the husband is this…. pray that he has a change of heart and understands what he is throwing away by breaking up his family, pray that he can remember the love he was once filled with for his wife, pray that he can see that his current struggles will not last forever and the family is stronger together than apart.
Let me add, I do not know about any abuse. But if that is the situation here, (someone mentioned it in a comment) I would NEVER counsel a wife to return to that, never. God gave us a brain to use, you don’t stay in abusive situations.
Goodness people, I didn’t say he not WORTHY of prayers..I didn’t say I didn’t send prayers to him..I just simply said it was hard to pray for him..Quit taking everything so literally.
I hope to never know the heartache of a marriage that is having problems either, E. The whole family gets my prayers
As always!
I would think that the people that are hard for us to pray for are the ones that need our prayers the most.
So sorry. Hugs and prayers coming from the Big D. Saw on Facebook you got released! YAY! Try to take it easy – hopefully you can have some help with the kiddos so you can still get some rest at home.
I am so sad to read this, so sorry that you are going through so many things as once.
Praying for a swift recovery of your physical and emotion wounds.
Much love.
I don’t know what to think or say…
But I love reading you and I would say: write! write a book!
(When I started reading this post, I thought it was like in a novel! you are gifted.)
Totally agree!!
I’m so sorry. You are loved and adored by many. (((((hugs)))))
hugs and best wishes for peace and healing, both of your body and your heart. I am praying that the truth of love and honesty will shine brightly upon you and your husband and that all will be resolved for the better. Hang in there Jennifer, you are such a rock, an example of determination and drive to your children and friends and readers. You are strong and will rally and grow stronger in the loving arms of your nearest and dearest. Trust in your own strength. Needless to say trust Jesus, as I know you do. And He is with you every step of the way.
Hello,
I came across your post and I must say its rather interesting. I personally have been married for 8 years now and yes me and my wife have hit some rocky hills along the way. But if something was to ever happen between us. I still would give have the heart to come and see her if anything was to happen. Love is powerful and no matter what happens between you to. Some where in the heart there will always be a place for one another.
I hope everything is well.
I’m so sorry
. That must have been so hard. Good, but so hard. And I am so sad that was the first time you’ve seen him or talked to him since your separation 
. So much pain is represented in that statement.
Oh Jennifer, my heart goes to you over this visit. On the one hand it shows certain caring that he came to visit but it seemed more “official visit” than anything else, but on the other hand, who knows what was going on in his head.
I do think that the next time you see him probably won’t be so emotional for you. You have a lot to work through and work out but one thing I hope is important to him is to stay being a Daddy in your children’s lives and the visit does give the implication that he will be a presence.
Focus on recovery and getting healed and back to those adorable kids!
My heart goes out to you in so many ways. But my heart goes out to McDaddy also. I hope that people are careful that they do not judge. How can any of us judge him as there are always two side to every story and we have not ever heard his side. Nor really do I want to hear any side. The fact of the matter is the more posted on the world wide web the harder it will get to reconcile things. These are private matters though they affect us in every way when our relationships are not where they should be. But every comment, every mention can make the divide so much greater. As a man there is pride involved and that is human and not spiritual. But to even think that we could be hurting that pride as a wife would cause us to stay far away from putting things out there for people to see. Once we push the send button we cannot take things back. The only one that fix things in a relationship that is broken and do it right to last a lifetime it God. I am a product of that. My husband and I should not be together in the world eyes, but God has restored what no human could.
Again my heart goes out to you and I have prayed for you and your family. The world is going to judge that is how they are. But maybe if they arent given information of any kind to fuel the who things of who is right or who is wrong it maybe easier to repair the bridge. The bridge that only one family walks on. God is great and I am sure that He can do great things. Our battle is not with humans but a spiritual battle that God can turn the tides so quickly. He can make man or wife see the error of our ways faster then any spouse can. And I am sure there are errors in our ways that cause any marriage come to a hault from. There are things that build up over many years that make our marriages to take this course. It is not one thing or one day, but many. You cannot repair it. But I know the master builder and He can do anything. I dont judge either of you. It is not my place. It is my place to pray and to keep waging that spiritual battle that is fought through much prayer and fasting. These are times that the enemy is seeking to destroy. Lets not let him win. God Bless both you and your husband and your family.
I am praying for you both daily. I have to agree with Lisa…sometimes I wonder if posting about something so private that involves you, your husband, and God will make the divide even deeper. If I put myself in Israel’s shoes, I think I would feel resentment that my every move was being inspected by thousands of people. I know that talking may help you at such a hard time, and that it has allowed many people to cry out to God on your behalf. But if your husband can look back on this phase and see how well you guarded his heart, that will speak volumes to him!
I must say that I agree with both Lisa and Kerri. I AM living the life you live right now. My husband has been gone for over a year. But, I am hopeful and I know that the Lord will bring him home. I have had plenty of time to seek the Lord during this time and trust Him as my husband and the father of my children as I wait for God to change us both and bring us together as the one-flesh covenant family we are. I’ve also learned to watch what I say and to whom. When God brings my beloved home, he needs a place where he feels safe and respected. Please seek God’s wisdom in the person/people He will bring to you that you can feel free to share the details with and to know where not to. I mentioned before and so did another person, but please visit the site http://www.rejoiceministries.org It has gotten me through the darkest of days and shown me that God does heal hurting and dead marriages. HE wants that for us. Nothing is too hard for our God to do. I’ve been praying for you because I know the pain, I know the hurt. I also know the God who will restore our precious marriages.
I completely agree with these comments. Jennifer, my heart has been so heavy for you since I learned of your separation. I am praying continuously for restoration and for peace and strength for you.
I agree with these ladies as well. Words spoken and written, even if they are not unkind, can never be taken back. I am like you Jennifer in that I process by writing and talking things through with people. I have learned over the years though, my family has felt betrayed by that “out there” processing by me even though I intended not harm. MOST people don’t want their business out there for everyone to see. Us “outward” processors need to find ways that we can process (a very close IRL friend, a private journal) that still honors and protects those we love. Some things are sacred and should not be shared…I agree that I am concerned that all of this may make the canyon deeper between your husband and you. Praying for healing of every kind for you!
I have to comment on this post. I rarely (if ever) have commented ever on this blog. After reading all of this about the separation, I feel that your husband needs privacy. Privacy from being looked at by thousands upon thousands of people. Every time there is a blog post, it puts him in a bad light. I’m not saying that there isn’t fault on both sides…there has to be for this drastic measure to have taken place. But ever time you are sad and post about it, I just feel that people are very sad for you and are getting very upset at your husband. It isn’t exactly showing both sides of the story. In my opinion, there should be NO sides of either story shared right now. This is a deeply painful and personal trial that you are both going through. It shouldn’t be scrutinized every time someone checks their e-mail. If you stand back and see how much of your lives are completly made public, it could be very damaging to a husband. Just a little search on the web shows seemingly every fault the two of you have. For a man to have thousands of people looking at his financial downturn and bankruptcy dealings have to be truly humilitating and degrading. For heavens sake…there is even a website dedicated to picking apart your finances! He needs privacy. Everyone makes mistakes, and alot of those mistakes need to be dealt with in private. Maybe he needs time away to sort out all of these issues, maybe he has finally had enough. I don’t know and it is NONE of anyones buisness to find out. I’m just asking that you give your family privacy…let your husband breathe without the guilt and sadness being a constant reminder on the internet. Hopefully you will reconcile…but for now, please give him some room.
Thanks for sharing your viewpoint! My husband and I have talked about me blogging about our marriage joys and struggles and also about me sharing my feelings during our separation. We are both on the same page concerning what level I share at. If we were not, I world certainly respect his wishes for less or more privacy. Thanks again.
I’m sorry, maybe I misunderstood. You said in your blog post that you and your husband have not talked since the separation yet you have talked about you sharing your feelings during the separation. Hmmm….
You did misunderstand. That’s okay. We knew for a couple weeks before we separated that we were going to. During that time, we talked about my blogging then and during our upcoming separation. Make more sense now?
Hey Jennifer! In the above post you said “It was the first time I had seen or talked with my husband since we separated. ” And then in this reply to said “My husband and I have talked about me blogging about our marriage joys and struggles and also about me sharing my feelings during our separation.”
How would you and MckDaddy have talked about what you should share, if you didn’t speak at all since the separation? Which was announced by you over a week ago. I can’t imagine he said “Im leaving you” and you said “can I talk about you leaving our family on my blog?”
Sorry to question….but it seems weird.
I guess we’re just weird!
McKmama~ saying “we knew for a couple of weeks ahead of time that we were going to seperated” and “my husband has chosen to leave our family” are too very different scenarios to your readers. “We knew we are going to seperate” lends to the idea that you were both discussing living apart and you knew this was coming. “My husband has chosen to leave our family” makes it sound like you were shocked, caught off guard, and totally unprepared for this. ???? I am not sure what to think.
I didn’t know it was coming when he said he was leaving. We had time to talk about it after that. Why? Because we didn’t actually separate for a couple of weeks after he told me he was leaving. Hope that makes it more clear!
It’s really none of our business how the math works out in this equation and it’s totally not the point either.
What do you think is the point?
I think their point is that you word things in a way that only tells half the story….
Then all “they” need to do is ask and I can share whatever else they’d like. Besides, when one only knows “half the story” it is still their prerogative to choose to make assumptions one way or another.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just didn’t see how grilling you on the timing of everything was necessary… and it’s certainly not at all the point of this post. Neither does it make or break the legitimacy of what is happening in your life. It drives me crazy to see people nit-pick and take up such stupid issue with details that are so minute in the grand scheme of what you are sharing and experiencing. Who cares WHEN he left or WHEN he told you he was leaving. The point is, it happened and you all are hurting in all your varying ways and degrees. The point is, your husband came to visit you in the hospital and that mattered to you. If I missed the point, I’m sorry for that as well but the white-glove inspection of your every word and move by a world who actually doesn’t KNOW you/your family is so not necessary.
I really feel the bottom line here is that Jennifer will LITERALLY be “damned if she does, damned if she don’t”.
If she had not blogged a single detail about recent marriage issues, SOMEONE would have found out and then a horde of “OMG!!!!! Mckmama is GETTING A DEE-VORCE and trying to hide it and make like her world is PERRRRRFECT!!!” comments/tweets/blog posts would have erupted.
And if you have been here for any length of time, you know what I’m saying is only too accurate. (unfortunately)
If she doesn’t say anything, critics will say she’s whitewashing her life.
If she talks about it, critics will say she is being dramatic for effect and “over sharing”.
The only logical course of action is to provide basic details to vent as well as satisfy the throngs who remain curious about her life…..and leave the nitty gritty (“so I said..and then HE SAID..etc) where it belongs- in the privacy of her home.
Which if I’m not mistaken, is exactly what she has done.
Like.
You are right for sure!
Very true, very true. It simply doesn’t matter, someone will complain about what was said or wasn’t said.
SO TRUE!! People don’t seem to realize that she is most likely not blogging all 1440 minutes of her day, right? We don’t know everything. She has asked to have her PRIVACY respected. This is a blog for Pete’s sake!!! We read what she wants us to read. I just don’t understand why people take such insult to her not sharing all of her personal business !
Long time reader. First time commenting.
My instinct is to give you a virtual high five, holler YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THAT SLOUCH and WHO NEEDS HIM ANYWAY and of course HE HAS A REALLY SMALL WILLY.
But I know such things will not help you feel better. I mean, unless such things DO make you feel better. In which case, by all means have a HE HAD A REALLY SMALL WILLY ANYWAY sandwich board made up.
In all seriousness. I’ve been there. The thing is Jennifer…..you can be in the ring, ready to fight with everything in you. You can be right in the middle of that ring, begging your opponent to JUST COME FIGHT. You might suffer from the back and forth blows but at least it will be a shared fight, a fight you both experience and can both recover from.
But honey, if the other person just absolutely REFUSES to get in the ring with you and fight….you can only stand in the middle of the ring before life starts passing you by.
It sucks. You’re in the ring begging, PLEASE! Get in the ring with me and look me in the eye and put your dukes up and FIGHT WITH ME TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE.
And he just sits in the corner of the ring. You’re in your stance, alertly hopping back and forth. You’re willing him to just LOOK at you. “PLEASE, just look at me and let me see some vestige of the person I KNOW is still in there under that sullen blank stare and refusal to move.”
Nothing.
You stand alone in the expanse of the ring. You’re sweaty and tired from being SO prepared to fight for this. But he just won’t. He just…won’t. And how can that be? You are SO ready to lay it all down and bring all you have to this battle. And he sits. No sweat on his brow. No tape on his knuckles in preparation for this grueling battle. No desperate, pleading fire in his eyes.
Nothing.
It is one of the highest mountains of personal difficulty one can climb. But you have traversed higher mountains while having a critically ill child. And you will make it to the top, and then the other side. Bruised, yes. Battered by storms, choices, circumstances…yes. But at least you won’t be in that blasted ring any longer, begging for an opponent who refuses to have fight in him, even for things of the utmost importance.
And that place, wherever it may be…..will be centered on Christ, grounded in peace, and awash in self confidence. Because even thought divorce is not what God desires…He also doesn’t desire His beloved daughter to be alone in that ring, every denial of your husband breaking your heart. He has grace enough for what gets you from the ring to the other side of the mountain.
Liza…One of the sensible comments I have heard yet, Jen you would be smart to read that one over and over!!!!!! Hang in there
What an awesome comment – best I’ve read recently. Thanks!
Liza, thank you for your comment. wise words!
Bless you Jen, I am praying for God to open a door for you and Israel to heal…body and soul.
This was an amazing read…I kinda am lost for words at anything else to say!
Very well said.
I have to agree with Liza. I’ve got a good friend that is going through a separation right now and she has fought and fought to save her marriage. Her husband was in the proverbial corner of the ring watching it all happen and refusing to help in the fight. It just doesn’t work if one of the couple doesn’t want to fight for the marriage.
I’m hoping and praying for you and your kids. I hope your physical healing comes quickly so that your emotional healing can begin in earnest.
Gayle
I hate this comment!
Wow, Liza, you really should comment more … or write a book!
Such a thoughtful comment. MckMama sure is blessed to have “followers” like you.
I pray that her God pushes her husband back into the ring! That he won’t close himself off to the power of the Holy Spirit in his life and that he wold realize that Jennifer and their children are WORTH fighting for! Keep fighting Jennifer!
I am a visual person and WOW, what a great visual you painted for us all. I loved this comment and am feeling ready to fight now, in a ring with tape on my knuckles!
Really? Small Willy? Name calling and judging is going to save a damaged relationship? I wholeheartedly disagree with this line of thinking.
Lilymama you should read the whole post Liza wrote! It is perfect and fully describes my 27 year struggle to keep my marriage. Beautiful words for Mckmama and for me!!
Saundra, I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for YOUR bout in the ring as well as Jennifer’s. 27 years, wow. That is just one year less than I have been on this earth! I married at 19 and we were married for 7 years. The first several years were fraught with infertility and I truly believed that struggle drew us so close to each other and the God we clung to in our times of sorrow and confusion, to the point where people were literally stunned when they found out we were divorcing. It has been a couple of years now and I still get comments from family and friends asking if he has come to his senses.
So I can only imagine a near 3 decade union and the entanglements brought with a fight for that.
I was really a wreck spiritually over my divorce until I heard an amazing sermon entitled “God doesn’t want that, either”. It touched on how so many people are in loveless and abusive marriages because “God doesn’t like divorce”. I remember the pastor said of course God doesn’t LIKE DIVORCE. But does he like one of His daughters living in fear that today will bring another savage beating at the hands of her husband? Does He LIKE a man who sits at home alone every night, his heart breaking because he knows his wife is cheating with another?
The ultimate message was “of course God desires all unions brought together in His name. But he desires MORE for His children to be loved, safe, healthy, and happy. And so we have Jesus and grace to bridge that vast space between GOD and DIVORCE.”
When I told the pastor how I was so glad I had visited (I was visiting Portland, where my now ex sister in law lives, she and I are still very close) and how I truly felt like he had been speaking to me personally..he said something I thought was profound and profoundly simple:
“God sent the same Jesus to die for divorced people as He did for married people.”
I agree with you.. the Willy comment ruined the whole thing.
Oh for goodness sake it was funny
You could’ve left out those first couple of paragraphs and still had the same effect. Totally uncalled for. (And, I’m not a protector of Jennifer. I’m just someone who doesn’t like stuff like that.)
Thank you all who said nice things about my comment.
I’m truly sorry if I offended anyone with the small willy remarks. But not at all sorry I made the remarks in the first place. If I hadn’t had friends who made me laugh while in the turmoil of my marriage ending, it would have been that much harder.
I had one friend from BSF who I had never heard say so much as “heck”. But when my husband elected to leave our marriage without benefit of fighting for it, she addressed him only as “The Wanker”. And yes, it made me laugh. And at that time, laughter was a most soothing balm to my weary soul.
Just because I made a mildly bawdy remark, it doesn’t mean I don’t desire the spirit of Christ in me and in my words. That is why I prayed before commenting.
I hate to pull the “if you haven’t been there” card…..but I will. If you haven’t had to hurriedly pack your things because the person who promised to love you until death parted you has said he won’t stay in the house with you one more day…..you just can’t imagine how much better a little chuckle can make you feel.
If you haven’t weathered the behind your back comments of “well surely she must have DONE something to make him not want to be married..” you just cannot know. In reality, my husband left our marriage after two grueling, heart crushing pregnancy losses including a late term loss that was completely blindsiding to us. My husband could not process his grief. He was so angry at God. And he said he couldn’t look at me without seeing the face of our lifeless stillborn daughter. He just said one day “I can’t be with you anymore”. He ignored my pleas for counseling, a “trial” separation, anything but outright ending our marriage.
And if my friend could make me smile in the midst of that by asking “heard from The Wanker recently?” then I really don’t think God or anyone else would condemn a lighthearted comment obviously made with the sole intention of making someone smile. I’m fairly certain Jennifer did not actually think I was commenting on any part of her husband’s actual anatomy.
Liza, I think we were separated at birth:) Totally my line of thinking… and your heart shows you were honestly trying to help. Sign me up for your encouragement or small willy musings if I’m ever going through something like this!!!
It was clear to me (and many others) that you were trying to bring a ray of sunshine and laughter to what can be a very hard storm to push through. You have to be able to laugh in life- no matter the storm- it’s so good for the soul.
I thought- and still think- your comment was spot on
I think I love you Liza!
I’m totally kidding of course but oh how you hit the bullseye!!
Saundra, well I love you too, darlin’.
The kind words from ladies here has been a total ray of light in my day! I am definitely going to keep commenting, if Jennifer will have me.
Thanks so much Amy & Meredith! I guess I shouldn’t be but I am a little surprised anyone would be offended enough to say they “hate” my comment. For goodness sakes, anyone looking at the sidebar full of beautiful children surely has no doubts about Israel’s willy and/or its capabilities. And surely THIS will be the last time I need mention the state of ANYONE’s willy…..for today AT LEAST!
(before anyone gets up in arms thinking there will be wily willy chat TOMORROW..I’m just trying that “funny” thing again)
Liza you’re killin me….:-)
Wonderful comment!!:)
It totally sucks that you guys are going through such an awful time. I pray that you will find your way back to each other and will be able to work it out.
PraYing for your aching heart tonight. Oh and your side too.
I third what Christy said. He does love you … that doesn’t end after so many years together. It can change, but it does not end. God is just reshaping things for now. Be anxious for nothing. And, yes, I know that is almost the worst thing to hear sometimes! Let God be your strength when you feel weak.
My heart is so broken for you!! I know we are different people with different situations, but when I was in the hospital after my dissections, my husband and I went through something similar. My mind wanted to stay focused on the things I have been hurt so deeply by, but my heart wanted him to never ever leave my side, or my room. As I said, I don’t know your situation and am not pretending to know what you feel. I just want you to know that there IS hope. With a lot of soul searching and through other things that happened, he realized the love he had for us and stayed. It isn’t (never has and never will be easy) easy, but we make it through these hard times together with the love we have for each other, our children and our God. I am praying for all of you. For your hearts and your children’s tender souls.
Praying for you. You know what I love? That I haven’t read one negative thing here about him, throughout all of this. It’s obvious you care about him, and about your kids, however this turns out. I mean, marriage is hard; marriage difficulties are harder. I’m sure there’s stuff you could say. Stuff he could say. I love that you don’t. Praying for you both, and for your children. Praying God will mend your family. That he’ll hold you and your MSC — and their MCH (many confused hearts)– through the days ahead….that He will make your family whole — and be honored through it all.
Praying for you WHOLE family. I can’t imagine what it is like to live what you are living, but trust the Great High Priest who knows and is also the great healer.
A s I read your words… I could feel in my own heart a shadow of what you felt in yours. This whole situation, is so full of hurt and sadness. I am so sorry that you have this road to travel.
I am glad he came to see you. None of us knows what the future holds for us… but we do know our God will be there THEN TOO. And for now, maybe knowing that he came, knowing that he still does care… maybe that can be just enough to help you maintain hope.
It’s okay to miss him. And okay to not miss certain things. I think your spirit is right though… if you are going to dwell on qualities of your husband’s, the positive things, the things you MISS, are the parts to dwell on. At least fr tonight.
My prayers and love are with you, and the kids, and even with him.
Let go and let God. I know it’s easier said than done but if anyone can do it, it would be you. Your strength and faith have been such an inspiration to us all and we rally around you during this trying time. Our thoughts and prayers lifting you and your family, including your husband close to our Father.
Hang in there. You have the best pieces of him right with you.. all five of them!
Really hoping your story has a happy ending! Positive thoughts and prayers being sent to you and your family from Maui.
MckMama — This post is making me cry. I’m so sorry to hear about your accident and I have been praying for a speedy recovery. I really do hope that you feel much better soon, get a break sooner than soon from everything that’s been happening to you, and feel some peace about you and MckDaddy however that may come.
I’m praying for both of your hearts. I can’t help but think of that kid’s song that goes something like “my God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there’s nothing my God cannot do.” Don’t lose hope!
I’ve been thinking about your kiddos. How are they doing in all this? This has got to be so stressful for them.
Hi Jen,
You have been in my thoughts & prayers & I am so HAPPY & RELIEVED you’re feeling better!! I’m so sorry you’re hurting but I must say I agree with the others…I’m glad your husband made the effort to come & see you. I hope he showed you warmth & kindness. I hope through all of this, both of you will gain some clarity, & insight as to what went so wrong, some patience & love to heal what is broken & renewed hope & love to forgive the past & move on to the future. More than anything though, I wish YOU peace, rest, and a healed heart.
Please know I will continue to think & pray for you & hope for the VERY BEST for you & your family!!
With Friendship….
Jenn
I’m glad that he came to see you, even thought it was bittersweet for you. I pray that God will heal your marriage as He heals you wounds. I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be for you. I am so glad that you have those beautiful children to cheer your heart.
I’m sorry for your situation, both with your marriage and the accident. I am so thankful to hear that you will be okay after the accident and taking some time to take care of yourself. Our God is an awesome God and He is in all situations. I’m in the middle of Priscilla Shirer’s One in A Million Bible study right now. It’s sooooo good! You’ve got a lot on your plate right now, but I’d like to suggest it to you. God makes himself known in the wilderness and sometimes He leads us right into the wilderness in order for us to get our hearts and minds focused on him. Sometimes He uses these times as a way to prepare us for truly experiencing His goodness and glory! God is working in your life and has incredible plans for you and your children, with or without MckDaddy. It’s easier said than done, but give it all up to God. I haven’t been where you are, so I can’t relate. But, I can sympathize with how difficult it must be. But you know our God, you have seen Him work miracles! He hasn’t changed and He hasn’t left your side. I’m praying for you and your beautiful family. No matter the outcome, you will be okay, your children will be okay, and God will continue walking this journey with you.
My heart is aching with you. Praying for you and your husband – for peace, understanding and clarity. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and keep moving forward.
Do not lose hope. Fight for your marriage. Go to some godly men you know and ask them to pursue your husband and your marriage. If you have a church home, go to your pastor and some of the elders. This is their spiritual obligation as directed in The Word. Pray. Pray. Pray. I know you are obviously doing that already.. Surround yourself with those who encourage you, and who also desire to see your marriage redeemed. Satan is out to steal your family. Clearly your family as a whole was reaching people for God’s Kingdom; otherwise Satan wouldn’t consider you all a bother. You are a beautiful person Jennifer. I have followed you from the beginning and actually, I homeschool my children because of the influence your blogs posts had on my heart. I was inspired to school my children at home, and raise them to love Jesus like crazy. That is very hard to do when we send them off 40 hours a week, under the influence of who knows what.. So, be encouraged and know that whatever my four sweet boys grow up to do for the Lord, YOU played a vital role in that, and most definitely planted a huge seen for Jesus. Smile, friend.
it’s not over.. “well done thou good and faithful servant..”
Rachel this is a beautiful comment. I am praying for you, Mckmama, that the Lord will make his sweet presence know to you in these difficult days. Much love, Bethany
OH, how your heart must hurt. Along with all the pain from the accident. I can’t help but hurt for you. God hurts with you too. I hope it all works out for you Jen. I pray that you are feeling better soon and that your life and the troubles in it will turn around soon.
sending lots of love!
Cathy
I’m so sorry for all your pain; I can only imagine what you must be feeling. May grace and peace be found in your heart and mind and may the people around you right now be feeding you words that are bread to the hungry. Again, I am just so sorry that you’re going through all this. God DOES have a plan, though, and He’s the kindest person we could ever know.
I’m sorry Jennifer, that must have been very painful. I agree though, that if he didn’t care he wouldn’t have come at all. Sometimes the very hardest part of loving someone is giving them space and time. I know that God intends for our marriages to be for life, but then free will comes into play.
Thinking of you, and believing that God will see you through your physical and emotional pain.
I thought you had left the hosp. over 10 hrs. ago?
She did. She also mentioned in her post previous that her husband visited her there. Obviously, it took her time to process it and now she’s able to share that visit in this way.
Mckmama, follow your heart. I am sure that your husband still loves you. You don’t just turn off 8 yrs of love in one day. Give him some time to sort things out, and in the meantime, just pray for him to find his way back to you. Focus on your 5 blessings and reassure them that their Daddy loves them very much. Kids need to feel secure and feel loved by BOTH parents. Don’t mind the haters, they are just jealus of your life and especially that your son , Stellan was probably the most prayed for baby in the world. Like I said just jealus. Dont pay them any mind. Carry on and keep your chin up Mckmama!
Praying for you! Stay strong! You are an amazing mom and person…one day…he will realize it! If not…his loss! You deserve the very best and that is what he should give you! Keep your head up pretty lady…there are great things to come for you
Praying for you, your husband and your sweet children..
Keep the faith. Seems as though he still cares or he would not have came. If it’s to be, it will be. I’m praying for both of you.
I second Christy’s opinion.
Not only did he visit you at the hospital, he wore clothes that you gave him. It is a little something to hold on to.
My husband and I separated for 6 months before we were married. I never thought we would/could work things out. But we did, we married, we separated a couple of times, much shorter times. We got help through Retrouvaille and we are still together. But like you and MckDaddy, we went through many trials and tribulations, lots of counseling and help, lots of prayer.
MckDaddy is a God-fearing man, a Christian man, I believe he will come around.
Praying for each of you. Gentle hugs for you.
I’m not trying to be negative, but realistic. If my husband of 3 years and I were to seperate right now, he’d still be wearing clothing I bought him because 90% of his clothes I picked out or purchased…regardless of any intentions he did or didn’t have of reconciliation.
I also was hoping to see a response from Jennifer to the comment above that, while in support of Jen, stated some pretty horrifying words in regards to Israel as well. Comments are moderated, and it could have been the opportunity to make an example of what isn’t acceptable.
It has been a rough run the past year or so, some by fault, some by chance. I’m sorry that it’s been hard physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My thoughts are with you and your family as it all gets sorted out.
Had to chuckle…..my husband would be dressed in only things I bought too! Makes me remember an episode of “Friends” when someone talks to Joey about having “another level” and he yells “I DON’T HAVE ANOTHER LEVEL!”.
Saying a prayer for you guys. You have a beautiful family. The enemy seeks to kill and destroy…specifically the best and most beautiful things. Be strong and push through this.
Thank you, Angela.
Oh Honey, my heart feels your pain. Like I said my husband has left after 15 years of marriage. My heart is bleeding. My prayers are with you. If you ever want to talk feel free to email and I will call you. We could have pitty party for two table is ready.
Amen!