I may live to regret this, being so open. But, nah, I probably won’t. I’ve been about as vulnerable as can be on my blog and I love it. Except for when I hate it, but you know what I mean. It’s not so much that I think being transparent about my struggles will literally help anyone else (though it would be awesome if it did) as much as it is just a desire to be real. Genuine. Not fake. Authentic about my shortcomings.
And I fall very short.
Since the time when my marriage to my husband was in extreme peril, a couple of years ago, my husband has changed so much. It’s been amazing. Beautiful. Miraculous. Awesome. But you know how when your whole house is getting kind of grubby? And you get your walls painted? Or some brand new linoleum laid in the kitchen? Yeah, and then when you do, it looks nice and all, but it also serves to accentuate the fact that your carpet is ratty and your furniture is worn. By comparison, the grubby parts of your house now look even worse in comparison to the new, shiny stuff.
That’s what it’s currently like in my marriage.
My husband has grown by leaps and bounds, is ever so longsuffering with me, patient and forgiving. He speaks kindly to me and is almost always willing to talk calmly about things, even when the topic at hand is heated. It’s so different from how he used to handle things, and I am so proud of him, and it’s wonderful…but. But his obedience to God in how he treats me is painful. His forgiveness and nearly unconditional acceptance of me is simultaneously heartwarming and convicting. His renewed change in behavior and attitude towards me is an exposing light on my own flaws, which stand in contrast to his. Now starkly visible are my habitual critiques of his seemingly every move.
I used to be able to get away with murder, hiding my own actions and attitudes behind his. But, truth be told, I am not proud to say that even back then, I was every bit as awful to my husband as he was to me. Moreso in many ways. A couple of years ago, when the you know what really hit the fan, I was guilty of being more physical with him when I was angry than he ever was with me, even when he was arrested for domestic violence when I called the police after he threatened me during a fight. So deluded was I back then, that I really thought our marriage problems were all about him. As I waited patiently for him to fix himself, that is exactly what he did, while I sat blithely by, steeping in my own self righteousness. His great strides have been such a blessing to our marriage. And such a veil lifter on my own persistent negative behaviors. I now realize with shaming clarity that he was far from the only one who was bringing our marriage down. I was, too.
The only difference is that I still am.
I am so frustrated with myself tonight. With my cyclical behavior of acting out on my husband when I am stressed. When I feel low, scared or vulnerable, for some sick and twisted reason, I enjoy (in the moment) trying to bring him down with me. When he kindly asked me this evening if I would make sure to completely close the bags I was putting the ground hamburger in (I am prone to not being very careful with food in how I handle and prepare it.) so that the meat didn’t go bad, I chose to feel defensive, snarking back about how I was closing them completely, but if he wanted to talk about meat going bad, we could discuss the wasted fish in our garage freezer that he neglected for many moons to cook up.
Seriously!?
He must get so tired of hearing me apologize time after time. After blessed time. For the same stinking thing. I nit pick, often with a humorous tone that I suppose I must think makes it somehow okay, whenever I feel frustrated. My husband, though? He only brings up truly important things to me, letting the rest of the small stuff go. Not me. I often choose to let things fester, taking merely an afternoon to work myself up into a frothy lather, so that when he walks in the door like he did earlier today, I pounce on him, venting about what I was currently upset about while throwing in irrelevant jabs about his past failures, something we learned with our awesome marriage counselor that we are never to do in a disagreement.
My pride has been taking a huge beating in my marriage lately.
And I suppose that is ultimately good. Very good. I need to let go of my selfish ways, die to my desire to point out my husband’s flaws to him, slay my penchant for critical speech, swallow my pride and make the changes that I need to make in my marriage, focusing on the good my husband does and is instead of on the opposite. I have made some progress along the way, let me give myself credit where credit is due, but it’s time for me to completely rip out this stained, frayed carpet. It’s really out of place with the fresh, clean walls around this joint.
Wow, I knew that this post would be a helpful one. but I couldn’t begin to imagine how eye opening it was. It seems you are not sitting in that boat alone. I have fallen prey to such behavior on too many occasions and yet my husband is still around. He puts up with so much STUFF that I wonder how I got so lucky. Except sometimes, when my behavior really slaps me hard in the face, I realize I am not LUCKY, I am BLESSED. This is God’s way of pointing out where I have been lacking in my attitudes and behaviors. This is how He tells me ” This is what I am chiseling off next, and it is going to hurt.” It hurts when He removes those pieces of our lives that we don’t want to let go of. It takes a long time, too. I will keep you in my prayers Jennifer, and I hope that you would do the same.
MckMama:
Thank you for always being so honest, especially today in something as personal as your marriage. I really took your post today to heart, as I have the same tendancies as you do: to knitpick my husband for the small things he may not do and not look at the overall picture and notice the loving, giving, generous person that he really is. Sometimes, it takes looking at things through someone else’s eyes to make yours really open…
OK. I know you’ve been at this awhile (marriage itself as well as counseling) but my thoughts: I know (based on the few comments I’ve read and my own personal experiences) that you are not alone in this. I have found that, for me, it often relates to hormones. I just can’t help it during that oh so special time of the month. Excuse? Maybe. But it really does seem to be out of my control somehow! I just recently read an article where the author started taking an anti-depressant for 1 or 2 weeks a month to help with PMS. Have you (or anyone else reading) ever heard of such a thing? Does it happen that you lose your cool when you have PMS? Because I have seriously been considering looking into some kind of treatment for it. I may start “natural” first, though…
I totally get what you are saying! (although I am not married, so at least I don’t have that burden added on, haha) I too find myself hurting the ones I love around the time of my period and regretting it later, but feeling like I am not in control of myself at the time at all! If you find a natural solution you are going to have to let the rest of us know about it somehow!
I was like that before kids. I was so stressed out with work and wedding plans and PMS hit AND it would hit the fan. I had ask the doctor and he recommended saraphen. I took it 2 days before and the 2 days of my period. what a difference it made. I was better after the wedding and when I was pregnant 3 times over the last 5 years. Now that I am not preg my hormones have kicked back in and I get so snappy that I have decided to ask the doctor about some pills. I can’t even stand to be around myself. My husband is v ery supportive when I get like this BUT I know it isn’t right and I am short with everyone not just him. SO hopefully the dr will give me something, previoiusly refered to as my anti B*&^H pills. GOOD LUCK. Hormones are so unfair.
My husband actually started marking my meltdowns on a calendar (probably for self-preservation purposes, poor guy). Yup, right around the same time of the month. I have taken anti-depressants for years and if you can find the right one (or combo) it can definitely help. That, and avoiding foods like sugar, caffeine, etc. during those days that you are most prone to PMS. Of course, that’s when I want those foods the most!
Yea. I can relate to hormonal stuff. It seems the crabbiness is overwhelming. I have literally begged and begged God to allow me to be depressed instead of crabby when I had pms. I would have MUCH rathered to feel sad than ugly.
Now I’ve hit menopause and the crabbiness can’t really be “calendarized”. Hormonal pregnant women have an “excuse” (no offense intended at all) but at the end of nine months, it should be on it’s way to being over. Menopausal women don’t have that excuse. So my question is, do any of you menopausal women out there feel like they’re having pms??? Does it ever end? What in the world can I do about it? I really don’t want to take HRT because of cancer in my fam but I’d sure like some of those anti B*&^H pills. I absolutely HATE feeling so stinking irritable.
Another thing too is, how in the world can I tell if it’s a spiritual issue or a hormonal one that may pass?
Thank you so very much for writing this post. My husband and I fit this mold, to a T. I am ashamed to say it. Thank you.
“As I waited patiently for him to fix himself, that is exactly what he did, while I sat blithely by, steeping in my own self righteousness.”
My husband and I have each taken turns with this one, though I’m sure I’ve been the one steeping in that muck and mire more often than him. We have had our share of issues, and oh, they can be so hard to trudge through… but what’s the alternative? failure? I prefer not to think of that as an option… and so I keep trudging, keep trying, keep praying, keep learning, keep growing…
Keep on keepin’ on!
Your honesty continually surprises me. I think everyone can relate to some degree. tfs.
Does this say something about women? I mean look, almost everyone who has commented has said “I can relate, or that sounds like me, or I’m the same way,” and the list goes on. I’m not any different either. One of my facebook friends just posted last night “every woman has their breaking point” and I truly believe that. I know we all love our husbands, but when we hit that “breaking point” whatever it may be we fall apart. A wife and mother has so much on their plate these days. Most of us are working at least a part time job, we have to tend to the kids by making sure their bathed, fed, homework completed etc., if you don’t have a husband that likes to cook, which I’m fortunate enough to have, you then have to cook meals, wash clothes, keep the house clean… How much can a women take? There are not many June Cleavers around anymore. I have been having to turn to God a lot recently. I think that He is the answer, that’s what I’m told anyway. Sometimes I don’t feel his presence or realize that He is even there, but I’m trying to give my everything to him and hopefully things in my life will change. To all my wonderful mother and wife cyber friends out there, hang tough. We can do this and we will succeed in our marriages and everything we have going on in our lives.
I’m so glad I decided to come back to read some of McMama’s fabulous commenters… because reading these comments are helping to lift me from my hirrible funk I have fallen into lately.
You are so right. There is a HUGE burden on wives/moms these days and the biggest part of that is often put on us, by us. I know my husband could care less if the sheets are folded “just so” and yet, there I am, freaking out if it’s not just right.
No wonder I made him crazy for years. I make myself crazy
I’m so glad to learn I’m not alone in this.
I don’t post often, but I do read regularly. (((HUGS))) I’m sure by the mountain of replies you’ve already received, you know that you are not alone. But here’s another reminder. We all fall short. Some of us more often than others. I have walked more than a mile in your shoes. I sometimes still fall back onto that old familiar path, but you CAN break away and find a new road to walk. Hang in there and know you’re not alone.
Wow… every.single.word.hit.home. I have never been physically violent with my husband, but have beat him down with my words and actions. Thank you for sharing this today. I read, read and re-read it.
I sat, riveted, reading this post word-for-word, beginning to end. It’s as if it could have been ME you were talking about. I saw identical parallels between myself and you and how we treat our husbands. I am so very guilty of needling and belittling and NOT following the golden rule and it’s almost as if it’s beyond my control…..like, no matter how much I DON’T want to behave this way, I can’t break away from all of my negativity. And my dear husband…..is really nothing more than supporting and loving and forgiving….until things build up and build up and build up within him that he blows up and things get really bad. And there I am, apologizing. Again. For the umpteenth time. Same song, 544th verse. It is a struggle, that’s for sure. I wish there was a magic switch I could just turn off. I just ordered a book called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth…..it’s all about getting to the bottom of why we do what we do and overcoming patterns that we don’t like. I’m hoping it will help me!
I can totally relate to EVERY WORD.. while reading this I actually thought you had read my mind. Everything I couldnt put into words you did for me. I struggle with this too, and often find muself finding something to bark at my husband for instead of trying to deal with my issue at hand. Ughh.. frustrating to say the least.
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST!
I haven’t read blog in a long while, but some how this one caught my attention while browsing down facebook catching up on everyone else since I have been gone.
We recently received an early Christmas gift (we as in my husband and me). It was a book “40 unforgettable dates with your mate” by Dr. Gary and Barbara. Iv only begun to read it and so far its awesome. The gift givers also placed cash in the book in a couple of chapters… one chapter for my husband to read and one for me to read. With it that cash was given to each of us to help pay for the sitter and date cost that each of us were to plan for one another.
My chapter was a date to “meet my husbands spiritual intimacy”….
In that chapter the conversation is with the husband, asking him what helps make him a better person with his wife. The response was ” it helps when she affirms what I HAVE DONE and is quieter about what I haven’t done.”
When I read that…. and subsequently your blog today…… I thought about myself. I often find myself for whatever reason and not really understanding it all the way just yet….that I will often expose a small or big failure of my husband to others in group settings. Not trying to be hurtful. I don’t know why I even do it. If it be about the way he disciplined our daughter that day or week or forgot to do something that was important.
I would feel bad about it afterwards in my quiet time and ask myself “why did I even say that? Whats wrong with me?” I feel like I don’t trust people…then I said “well can I even trust myself?” I can’t be a true friend to my husband and on his side if I can’t protect him and affirm his goodness and constantly make myself feel better about my own short comings by privately or not so privately exposing my husbands short comings. And really… are they even short comings or is it me just nick picking at things or him?
My husband too has made great strides… I am so proud of him. Our marriage has been so good over the last few months. I pray for it to continue this path, although I fear the old patterns are waiting for us around the corner sometimes. Maybe thats a good thing to keep me in check and on my toes to be a better wife too.
I feel we both have made great changes and strides….. but I see more changes I can and need to make to keep growing and water this side of the field to protect my marriage.
Maybe admitting your short comings in this blog isn’t to make you feel bad…its a sign of your own maturity that you are able to see more things in yourself too, and swallow that pride and admit it all. God will honor you and your prayers more by turning over your pride, and humbling yourself to not be perfect but yet a lovable sinner wanting to make GOD and those you love proud.
I think reading your blog…. others can and will get something out of it. They can see that they are not crazy, they aren’t the only ones out there that struggle with this sinful nature that many husbands and wives struggle with. Bringing down their spouse just because they don’t feel good about themselves in someway or on some level.
As you know…. anytime we want to get upset at our husbands… its hardly EVER the subject at bay, its almost always something deeper thats going on in ourselves. We often forget to stop and ask ourselves WHATS REALLY BOTHERING US…and WHY IS IT BOTHERING US SO MUCH.
Thanks for sharing.
God Bless.
I can totally relate. I sometimes have the feeling like an addict who uses drugs. I tell myself that I’m not going to do it, I’m going to let things go…and then he walks in and I’m all over him telling him what’s wrong with him. And then comes the inevidable guilt and telling myself I’ll never do it again…but sadly the next time is lurking close by. I have become more aware of this cycle and do see it’s relation to my menstrual cycle – sometimes I feel so betrayed by these changes in my hormones/emotions. I’m not comfortable with these parts of myself and will always strive to change, but it is nice to have a husband who understands and is even able to laugh about it sometimes. God blessed me with a wonderful man that just makes me want to be a better wife.
Good luck on your continued “renovations.” You are not alone in your behaviors or in your desire to change
I am exactly the same way and I hate it! Thanks for sharing………
thanks for this honest post about marriage. i too have recently felt ashamed in my behavior. in times where i have to ask forgiveness from my husband, it makes me truly think about christ and the way he forgives us time and time again.
i agree with several others, don’t forget that we are human. btw, have you heard natalie grant’s song “human?” GOOD STUFF!
southern love and prayers from alabama!
Just this morning I found myself apologizing to my husband for the way I behaved last night. Again.
We are tired. We are hormonal. We are on edge.
And yet, yes, we need to work on ourselves. But we also need to remember that we are human.
Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone.
Your honesty is always so refreshing, Jennifer. Thanks for it! I’ve only been married for nearly three years and it’s so hard sometimes to admit to myself that I’m the cause of fights and disagreements. My pride almost ALWAYS gets in the way and it’s frustrating. Its also hard to be open and honest about our downfalls, but it’s inspiring to others, so thanks.
I can say with all sincerity that I know how you feel. May God be praised that our husbands are coming from such good places right now. It takes perhaps more than one crisis to allow God to point out our own flaws…for this I am thankful. You should know that I know many marriages struggling right now and that unfortunately (fortunately?) we are not alone. May you allow the Lord to forgive your flaws (sins) and continue to find you teachable! Take care, friend.
awesome post. thanks for being so vulnerable. we all have ratty stained carpet. thanks for the reminder. I LOVE the book by Dr. Laura, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It’s such a great reminder that we need to be changing ourselves instead of feeling the need to harp on our hubby’s all of the time.
It’s a great read.
K
Thanks for being so open and honest. Unfortunately, this sounds a lot like myself. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement to rip out my stained carpet.
Good for you McMama for even being able to recognize this! I also see myself in this post too!
I know you’ll be able to work a nice balance for you! Take Care and God Bless!
I see a lot of myself in this post as well. My husband and I have our struggles and I wonder how many of them are because of me.
Thank you for being honest and open…and letting others know…that they are not alone.
so difficult. This is something that my husband and I both struggle with in our marriage. It is and has been hard.Thank you so much for blogging this.
I am going to apologize for the length of this comment before I even get started because I know where I am headed…
I have been reading your blog long before Stellan was born. I read over at “that other site” and admit that I often have my doubts about the honesty and truthfulness of your blog. HOWEVER, just when I have my doubts, I find myself back at your blog, thanking your for your honesty and truthfulness. Does that make sense?
I don’t know about you, but when I have gossiped about people in the past, I find it hard to NOT find the negative in everything they do or say. When we take a step back and just say, “I accept you for who you are, flaws and all,” then we learn acceptance. Your blog has taken me on that journey to acceptance. Acceptance of me. Acceptance of others. Acceptance of my husband for his flaws. Humans are not perfect, no one ever said they were. Thank you for your honesty, thank you for being you. It is nice to be able to relate to someone or their experiences and not feel as if I am less.
I will admit that there have been times I have felt less than you, but then I realize that the deep feelings of your soul are not always obvious, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. It is okay to share these things with your readers when you are ready, not when they request it.
Thank you for your blog and for reminding me that a true Christian forgives and forgets. A true Christian accepts those who are different from them! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Well, yes, that was open.
I know what you mean about genuineness. I hate hypocrisy. I despise it, especially in MYSELF!
Trouble is, even when I recognize certain shortcomings of mine, I sometimes feel that the very act of acknowledging them somehow relieves me of taking further steps to correct them. In other words, I never really get to the “roots” to dig ‘em out. Sometimes, just praying “God help me with this trait,” may not seem to accomplish much because He expects more effort than that on my part. He’s got lessons to teach us all, but often we feel they’re too hard and we would rather just stay the same and let everyone around us just get used to “how we are.” And we never really make a true effort to change.
Yeah, I’m rambling. Not sure what I wrote makes sense but I appreciate your transparency in this post. Thanks for holding a mirror up to me and giving me a lot to ponder today.
I don’t want to sound like a parrot, repeating what others have, but thank you. I’ve been there too. I’ve been the one to smack my husband because he upset me, or the one to carry the fight out, screaming, nit picking.. it’s been really ugly. After I read For Women Only, I realized a lot of what I was doing wrong. I’m learning to respect and love my husband the ways he needs to be.
I’ve also read another really good book that describes what we do in relationships is a “fear dance”. It makes so much sense. the books explains how YOU choose what how YOU want to react to a situation. It’s helpful in ANY relationship. http://www.amazon.com/The-DNA-of-Relationships-ebook/dp/B000FCK1D4/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2
(I don’t work for these publishers! I just want to share what I think are some really good books. )
While I don’t want to make light of your openness & honesty, and I know from experience that attitude is something to pray about and consciously work on, I’m curious to know if you ever had your hormone levels tested? Since I have been on bio-identical hormone therapy, I feel like a totally different person & don’t have the mood swings that I used to have. I am more even-tempered now, although that old attitude occasionally rears its ugly head. Just something to think about… please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or want more info.
Too bad I didn’t read your comment first…could you let me know how/why/what caused you to start this therapy? I really think I need to consider something like this…my e-mail: longdazeshortyears@zoominternet.net
Thank you for your honesty. I’m sure it’s very encouraging to the married folks that read your blog.
No one is perfect. Do not beat yourself up for what has happened. Today is a new day, fresh with God’s new mercies for the day. You have a blank slate and what you choose today is key. You can do it. Look at all the miracles the Lord has performed in your marriage in the past year. He hasn’t changed, but He can change you–if you let Him.
Keep forging ahead. Life (and marriage, from what I gather) is a journey–which you must take one day at a time.
The fact that you are being very reflective like this and recognizing your weaknesses is already a plus point! Remember, no one is perfect and you are never alone!
It pains me to say that I may actually act the same way towards my hubby. He works hard but is away a lot and I can’t stand that he comes home and expects me to take care of him too when I have been taking care of our babies all week. I have endless issues that I need to sort out and not take out on him. Much of what you said is how I feel but I haven’t taken the step to sorting it out yet as I still feel annoyed about so much stuff. I’ve suggested seeing a councillor but he won’t go which is a shame.
I wrote the above and then questioned why I was doing it. Why do I feel the need to share? Maybe I do need to talk about it all a bit more. I just can’t ever get my thoughts in order to talk about it all properly.
Hope you are okay and thanks for your post, it has made me think about what I am doing, and I think I needed it. xxx
Wow – as others have said, thank you for being open and honest…and somehow writing what has been on my heart lately. I, too, am trying to do better…to not nit-pick for the sake of picking, to be more intentional in how I act and what I say. It’s not easy, but it’s coming.
You are not alone. (Hugs)
so there, 5 years ago when he was not the head of the household I had a excuse. well if he did this and that and this and that then I would not have to do be so upset. now that he is the head of the house I have nothing to blame him for. I look deep when I am upset. you know what else I have realized I have knocked him down so many times that he is almost scared to be that head of the household in fear of not doing it right. I now daily have to live with a man who has been knocked down more times than picked up in his own house. Thank God, we have another 15 years to re do and heal from the past 15 years because he deserves it, he deserves to see what all his hard work has been for
And again we´re on the same page…
thanks for being brave enough to share this, so I feel less alone.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow. Just Wow. Let me say this: you are not alone my dear! I admire your courage. I see so much of myself in this post. Thank you for challenging me to do better….way better!
Hey friend! I am certain I have told you this before, but this has long been an issue I have dealt with in myself. Jim is very slow to temper, very quiet and calm. I on the other hand had a tendency to want to “argue for the sake of” and it has brought our marriage to its knees so many times I cannot count. I am learning. Its not easy. I am stubborn. I like to have things my way. He is the opposite.
So in so many ways, this is my story. Again and again.
Miss you! Love you! lo
I had to comment again if that’s OK. I had been thinking about this post since the first time I read it. I have to be honest here. I am much the same way. Thank you for being transparent. My pride needed this writing and honesty from another wife much in the same spot I find myself in. I will be right along with you on this path of not being nitpicky, snarky, etc.
With just a couple of small differences, you have described my marriage exactly. Although things never got physical, and we’ve not been in counseling, my husband is so extremely forgiving, understanding, and just way to nice. I, on the other hand, am a lot like you. I cannot let things go, i fester then explode over some very dumb things, and just generally don’t communicate with my husband as well as I could. I have recognized this, however, and I am trying my best to correct this. Thank you for being so honest, and helping me to realize that I’m not the only one who does these things, and it’s ok to ask for help
Thanks!
Thank you for sharing. Very inspiring and thought-provoking.
Powerful honesty. That alone will help you conquer!! This is one of your best written posts and I’ve been reading for a long time. Simple, to the point, yet so rich. I’m thankful for your boldness and I know that you are impacting hearts, people, marriages, friendships and more. I’ll be praying for you.
That thing about not bringing up past wrongs? Sooooooooooooooo true. So right on. A pill I had to swallow very early on in my still young marriage. It’s only by the grace of God I did, and continue to. But I made a commitment to my husband – “I forgive you for ABC issue, and I will never hold it over your head in future disagreements.” And y’know what? That was so freeing. Not just for him – for ME. There’s so much freedom in giving forgiveness and having grace. I’m cheering you on as you make this journey so many of us are also walking!
Even this early in my marriage, I hear you loud and clear! Prayers your way for a humble attitude in your marriage. Mind sending the same my way?
OT..but worth sending out, I think!
Prayer Warriors needed for this little superman!!!
http://crystalandskyler.blogspot.com/
kudos to you for accepting your own faults and expressing your own knowledge of your faults. I have not been married but I have my own struggles managing as a single parent of a child with special needs. Sometimes I get so frustrated during the day that I come home and spew at my CJ over something as silly as putting his shoes back near the door, dammit.
Not to mention that I battle with BiPolar, that just adds a whole other dimension to life with a special needs kid.
I am in constant awareness of my moods and what I really feel – and who/what I really feel that frustration/anger/spite/etc toward.
Keeping it real within yourself is the way to go. It sounds like your husband has grown by leaps and bounds, and it’s your turn to take the same steps.
Good luck, it’s hard but worth it.
How funny that the ad I’ve got below this post is “How to Fix your Marriage”. That wasn’t planned was it?
Wow.
Love you friend, and I know you’re on the right path b/c you are aware of it, and it’s making you unhappy. You can’t live life like that for long! I’m glad you’re sharing this too, because I KNOW it will help others. It helps me so much to know that some of the people that I esteem so much also make mistakes, not that they need to be taken down a notch or anything, but for me to know that I’m not alone in some of my failures and lacking-ness (new word of the day.).
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to seeing you soon!!!
Wow, MckMama….have you been peeking in my windows again?!? After 30+ years of marriage, I still struggle. I too used to blame our marriage struggles on hubby. Well, he has really changed these last couple of years, kind, thoughtful, helpful, patient,. Maybe the blinders have just come off my eyes and I’m seeing him as he really is/was. I have to think that God has answered my many prayers…and with the help of Christian radio that hubby listens to all the time. Just over the recent Thanksgiving holidays, I was the one snarking, and he kept saying I’m sorry. He has almost never said I’m sorry. Boy was I humbled and convicted. I used to blame it on my monthly cycle. Well, those stopped a couple of years ago, so there went that excuse. Bottom line, I am a sinner and in need of forgiveness daily. That old hymn, Chief of Sinners Though I Be runs through my head. I’m thankful that hubby has stuck with me all these years. Thanks for putting your honesty out there.
Your transparency is inspiring. I have had these same thoughts this weekend. I’ve been nitpicky, then pouty, then giving the cold shoulder. The whole while, my husband is trying to understand why I’m upset, but my pride doesn’t even want to let me apologize and start fresh. A frustrating cycle, to say the least. And you’d think that if we can conceptualize it so well, we would stop. Why is that so hard? I appreciate your honesty and am glad that I’m not alone in my actions or my desire to stop the cycle! We’ll be doing it together!
I am exactly the same way. I work so hard to do everything exactly right that I can’t handle any sort of criticism, especially the very gentle words from my husband. I get so unnecessarily defensive, bringing us into an argument. Pride sucks. Thanks for sharing as always. A friend of mine used to quote Henri Nouwen in saying “what is most personal is most universal.” Always true.
Oh boy.
I see a lot of myself in what you just said. Thank you for the reminder to “do unto others”. God bless.
I especially appreciate this post in light of the very popular, worldly idea that husbands are the doofy child-like idiots and the wives are the put-together perfect spouses who make the world go ’round (think “Everybody Loves Raymond”). It drives me nuts!!! Thank you for highlighting the fact that so many times we wives are the ones at fault. Praise God for the work God has done and continues to do in your husband and in you too! I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Think of the excellent example you are setting for your daughter as she sees you submit to her Daddy.
“Think of the excellent example you are setting for your daughter as she sees you submit to her Daddy.
”.
That sentence breaks my heart. I hope your daughter does not learn any of your bad habits, but I also hope she doesn’t learn to “submit”. She is not inferior to the man (or woman) she ultimately decides to partner with. The term “submit” and how it is thrown around by Christians truly frightens me. Women are equal to men. Period.
Submission can be a difficult word, but I don’t think it implies inferiority at all. By definition it is the act of yielding oneself. This requires strength of character, which I believe is in direct contrast to being inferior. Submission is a choice and can be a beautiful expression of love between a husband and a wife. The other side of this is that the husband truly loves the wife, even as Christ loved the Church, to the point that He died for her. He has her best interest at heart, thus yielding isn’t sacrificing what is best for you, but trusting. Yes, as imperfect people we mess this up, but I don’t think that’s a reason to give up on the idea.
Well said! Submission is hard to explain, people freak out at the word. Done biblically, its a beautiful thing. There is submission in the trinity as well.
Yes, men and women are equal. God made them that way – both in his image. And then he gave them jobs to do – the man was to lead, protect and provide for his wife. The woman was to follow, submit, and help her husband. It’s not about equality. It’s about God-given tasks. His job is just as hard as mine, and I’m sure that there are just as many days that he wishes he didn’t have to lead, as there are days when I wish I didn’t have to submit. But those are the jobs God gave us, and in his strength, we can do them and make our marriage a beautiful witness and a picture of Christ’s love for his church.
The word “submission” makes me cringe, as well, but that is because I feel that it has been used too loosely and many women take it to mean that they are to become a silent rug upon which their husband will tread and stomp.
I sort of think of it as a kingdom, the home. He is the King, but I am the Queen. I can make a stink when/if I want to but truly someone has to be the ultimate authority, because sometimes decisions just have to be made by someone. It’s something I’m always working and hoping improve upon. I’m not a submissive person by nature, but I trust my husband to guide our family. My voice is never dismissed, and since I believe that he is responsible to God for our family, I don’t want to stand in the way of him following God’s leading for our lives.
I happily submit to my husband. That does NOT mean that I am inferior to him or that I am less than him. I believe my husband loves me unconditionally so I submit to him . I am also thankful that my hubby loves me so much he seeks my opinion about almost every topic. It all comes down to who is held respondsible by God for our family’s well being, that’s not me it’s my husband.
My husband and I are there… Tonight… atthisverymoment… we’re in the depths of ratty furniture & worn carpet… and maybe it is me? Maybe it is… Maybe thats where I start. Thank you for this honesty tonight. x0x0
Man, MckMama, I sure would like to see you and my husband to round and round!
He is a master at bringing up read dumb stuff, if I even make any slightly negative comment to him. He simply cannot hand any critism from my part, but he is more than willing to dish it out. When he does I generally just keep my mouth shut as the whiplash is worse than the initial comments. We did a little counseling years ago, but to no avail. It would be nice if we lived in the Frozen Tundra near yours and maybe we could get some help. After 40 years it is hard to teach a dog new tricks, especially if he doesn’t think he needs to learn any new ones.
Vey good post tonight. You’ve opened a door many of have walked through or are currently avoiding all together. Now that you’ve admitted your responsibility in the marriage troubles what are you going to do about it? Why is your own pride so important that you feel the need to drag your husband’s selfworth down so low? How do you begin to teach yourself to not get a snaeky attitude with your husband because you’re feeling prideful? I’m not asking these questions for any oter reason to knew where you go from this point. Admitting you are part of the problem is a first step, but you need to continue moving forward before there is resolve in the relationship. Moving forward knowing there are plenty of stumbles along the way.
I know you and your husband see a marriage counselor together, but have you considered seeing a therapist alone? Someone unrelated to the marriage counseling side where you can talk about you and work on the issues you pointed out in your post? I speak here from my own experience in marriage and found it more than helpful to see a therapist separate from our marriage counselor.
This was very brave of you to venture into this subject and I applaud your truthfulness in talking so openly about your marriage. I am sure that your sharing your own struggles within your own marriage will hlep many of your followers hopefull feel safe looking at their own marriages. I hope you will occasionally share an update on how you are doing in resolving issues.
Blessings.
P.S. I truly love how real, honest and willing you are to share your shortcomings.
that is a really great quality to have! I wish you guys all th BEST!
on a sidenote, LOVEd your b/w photos lately!
Wow! My husband and I are so like that at times! The Lord has been starting to point that out to me big time these last few mo. and giving me the push (or the hand over mouth) to remember to check my heart. Sometimes I don’t get it until after I slip up. Hubby and I are selfish and get those snarky remarks in. I’m trying hard not to, cause it’s just my selfish, cold- heart ways. The new tile/paint that makes other things look grubby… its the Holy Spirit! Who else could transform your husband and make the grubby sin stuff look so unappealing?! Marriage= refinement, refinement can be painful!
-Work in Progress
I was trying to see Prince Charming’s blog on the sidebar and I do not. What I did see though is that Sam’s fund for Reece’s rainbow is at 67% Yahoo!!!!
I read something once and it has stuck with me.
You can’t change anyone, only your reaction to that person and what they do/say.
and it eventually hopefully changes them! sounds like your husband has done a GREAT job!!!
hope you catch up with him soon so you can both live a peaceful marriage!!!
good luck! it’s hard, but it’s worth the fight!!!!
tara
I need to remember this, but oh, to know how to change my reactions to my husbands verbal abuse. My reactions is usually to just take it as the resulting whiplash from any comment isn’t fun.
Sometimes there’s nothing you can do or not do to change someone who is verbally abusive. Sometimes you are simply just being sinned against. Take all of the emotions that go along with that experience and bring them to God. Pray out your anger, fear, and frustration to Him… you will not experience rejection or abuse with Him. Remember that He withstood abuse while on earth, and that He can empathize with you. Find your security, love, and safety in Him and pray without ceasing for your husband. One last thought… a difficult one.. but, sometimes a temporary separation may be helpful so that you are not “enabling” the sinful behavior of your husband to continue.
From someone who has been there.
MckMama. Mckmama. Jennifer. You are amazing. You inspire me all of the time. I love your flaws. Not one of us is perfect. No matter how we strive or what we do, we will make mistakes. That is just how it is.
I would like to BEG you. Please please please please PLEASE!!! Head over here to Single Dad Laughing’s blog and read this post:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/worthless-men-and-women-who-make-them.html
I am struggling with so many marriage pains and so much crap and I am still trying to get off my butt to gain energy to “fake it ’til we make it”. I am pretending life is fine on my blog when it’s not. Simply because I have no idea how or what or who or geez. I just need to get up and do something and right now I don’t have anything.
Please, go read that blog though. I’ll likely be linking between the three of these posts when I do finally write something on my blog.
((((hugs)))))
What a beautiful and poignant post and, gosh, what a tribute to your husband!
Thank you for sharing so much, and for feeling your way thro my heart.
I just started reading Love and respect, some days I am so busy with my girls and life in general, i forget all about the great guy who makes it all possible.
Thank you for reminding me xxx
Realizing the problem is the first step in eliminating it. Your husband has gotten the message and has learned how to love you as God loves you. Now it is your turn! Show him the love and respect he deserves.
I know a couple who were always reminding each other of their mistakes. They are no longer together.
My husband is so kind and patient with me. I could probably count the times he has gotten upset with me, in 32 years of marriage, on one hand, but that isn’t the case with me. I also don’t take as good care of the house as I could; I get lazy. He works hard all the time.
We are all a work in progress, and acknowledging that improvement is due is the first step to bringing it to pass. I appreciate your honesty and wish you and your husband the very best. My marriage failed miserably. I hope with utmost sincerity that yours makes it.
Great post mckmama! I love your honesty and the way you are striving to improve your marriage. We will be with you every step of the way xoxo
As I read this post, I envisioned myself and my husband. Sadly, I do the same thing to my Mr. Wonderful. I only pray that I am humble enough to admit when I am wrong and allow the Lord to fix me.
Good for you!! Praying for your success and I know with God, all things will become new. It takes guts to get out all the ugliness in our lives. My prayer in many of my close relationships is this. Change them or change me Lord. You know when the relationship is not where God wants it to be and we have to be willing to change too.
Kudos to you!!!
Great Post!!!
Oh Jennifer the more posts I read of yours the more I can’t wait to visit you and Israel! Isn’t it amazing when the spirit convicts us of our twisted selfishness! Your honesty is what I truly believe most women struggle with in all marriages! It really stems back to Adam and Eve and the original sin leaving all women in that battle of wanting to control everything and trying to let go so that their husbands can be the leaders God intended them to be for the family and us their helper! But man it is hard as women to “shut our mouths and swallow the criticism” constantly laying our struggle at the cross! And boy oh boy does the spirit convict sooner, stopping my mouth! This same struggle was HUGE in our marriage and just like you I thought it was all my husband until the Lord struck my heart and showed me my own selfishness with my piercing words(not in a good way!far from it!) and I realized how I was truly hurting my husband not helping! Isn’t it amazing how forgiving and forgetting are husbands are just as Christ is to His bride the church! Amazing!
It’s so amazing to read about how this journey has been for you, Audra! Thanks for sharing!
It is a blessing to share! One of the best things I learned when Ryan and I went to the Weekend To Remember two years ago was to put my words through a “Respecto-meter” BEFORE they come out of my mouth! (credit to Shaunti Feldhahn in her book “For Women Only”)
How the flesh loves to preserve itself…always at the expense of others! Dying is such a painful thing {smirk}. Whenever I get into the cycle of feeding my flesh, I am reminded of the passage in Philippians 2:8 ; “And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ” I am always humbled by the “obedient to the point of death” part. If that’s the sacrifice that He {joyfully} made for me, how can I not follow His example?!
I feel for you, chica. Hang in there, and allow the Lord to complete the work that HE has begun in you. He always finishes what He starts!
Great post. I can relate to this. I hate listening to myself sometimes. I can be very nitpicky too. It seems to be such a part of who I am, and I don’t like it!
your honesty and transparency is so beautiful. and you know what, i do the same thing (reaction to hamburger meat especially). you have encouraged me tonight to really work on my responses w/ T. love ya girl.
Thank you for your honesty! This does help other moms/wives out there! Thank you!
Praying for you my friend! It takes time, and as someone else said, we are all different and change/learn at a different pace.
Praying God directs your feet and holds His hand over your mouth as you work to rip out the old carpeting in your life!
When you figure out how to make major personality changes let me know how to do it. It is fairly easy to say what needs to change, but to do it is a whole different ball game. My husband is the kindest, quietest most adoring man every. I’m a nit-picking b**** who never lets anything die. I know this, but can I shut up? Maybe I should just employ some duct tape until you come up with a real problem solver!
Awesome as usual…your post, your honesty, your willingness to change, AND your hubby…for his own changes, and for being a kind and loving spouse who is giving you time to change in your own time. Works much better when change is voluntary.
thank you for sharing this. i really needed to hear this as my marriage is struggling too and i often feel like im the only one
Well, half the battle is recognizing what you’re doing. When I’m in a particularly nasty mood & taking it out on my husband, I hear myself & realize just how awful I sound. Then come the apologies… It’s something so many of us are working on! It’s sad when we treat strangers on the street with more respect than we do the people we’re closest to.
Thank you for sharing. I have been working on this for the last couple of years in my own marriage and in our own marriage counseling. Praying for you and your marriage and your family.
I think we are always on this path of fixing. Even when something is fixed, we will have to look back and continually reevaluate. That is why the Lord is always shaping and molding us- He will never be done this side of heaven….AND, the good news? He has already died for the sins we will commit tomorrow. Wow.
Isn’t it crazy how we always treat the people we love and care about most in the world the worst? I know that I am guilty of this very thing
Thanks for bringing it to light for me as well, time to change!
This post spoke HUGE volumes to me. I have been recently writing about my husbnd’s infidelity and my struggles and wanted to suggest to you to take a look at The Love Dare. It has helped me to see the role I played in out marriage collapsing.
I’ve been struggling HORRIBLY the past few days and this post was what I needed. Thank you!
I feel your pain! It’s so hard, but so damaging, not to bring up past failings of your spouse when you feel like you’re being “attacked.” I find that most of the time when I’m being that defensive, it’s because what my husband is pointing out (usually very lovingly!) is an actual problem that I should take care of. Somehow I feel like it’s an attack on me personally when it almost never is. It’s something I’ve had to work on hard over the course of my marriage, but it is paying off.
It’s the nature of being a women. I do the same things. He knows if I get it out I feel better and once I smile about it we’re free to joke. He might be able to take it to make you feel a little better after a bad day.
Well that was very candid. I am glad things are going well and that you both are growing in the Lord.
Pride, I guess is the one sin we are all guilty of.
Just a side note, I am terrible at closing food items well, I get picked on all the time in my household for it. It’s a loving tease, but I have so many things going on in my head at once, I can be so careless!
My husband, bless his heart, is so calm and patient and just takes my issues like they are nothing more than a light breeze blowing by. But when I look back, I always see it was no light breeze, but rather a tornado I put him through. And I too, despise this about myself. So hard to change. To become the woman, the wife, the Child, we long to be. Oh so thankful for patient forgiving husbands, for women like us who take a bit longer to learn from our mistakes.
Thanks for this post & for your openness.
It will take time. You are different than PC. Some of us take a little longer to learn things. It’s OK! Thank you for your honesty. You will get through this. Give yourself a break, too and don’t pounce too hard on yourself. I am praying for you.
I appreciate your honesty about this. I’m not married yet, but I hope to be one day! It’s always been hard for me to hold my tongue when things don’t go my way, but by the grace of God, I am s.l.o.w.l.y. learning to not be like that! But yeah….it’s REALLY hard. So easy to slip back into the old ways.
Praying for you, that God will help you overcome this “sin habit” in your life!
I just have to comment to you Elisabeth…glad you are reading this and learning these lessons *before* marriage. I often wish I had learned these lessons before (or at least earlier in) our marriage! It sure would have made for less arguements in the early years! Good luck to you!
We are all human. And flawed. Admitting those flaws is the most important step. Focusing on the promise that exists in recognizing that there needs to be change is something that some people can never do; you can recognize it so you are halfway there.
Am loving a book by Debi Pearl called “created to be his help meet”. Has really helped me work on my attitude, and what my roll is in marriage and what God has created me to be!!! Would highly recommend it!!!!
Me too…LOVE that book…reading it the 3rd time now
Yes, a friend gave me that book and it is very good (and convicting!).
thanks for being brutally honest..i am a HUGE nit picker myself. it is easier to point out my husband’s flaws instead of my own! i need to be in counseling..for real~ just sayin’! thanks for sharing your life girl~ ireally enjoy reading~ much love and blessings~ erin
I could have written this blog. Seriously. You arent alone, we all have work to do.
My hubby and I were just having this conversation last night! I am forever finding flaws in him, while he sits back and takes it, but I can’t handle the heat when he says something minute to me! These are my thought EXACTLY! Thank you for being so honest about your marriage, not just to us, but to yourself as well. That is the first step in changing, admitting you have a problem!
Well said!
I know you have read Sacred Marriage. This post is along those same lines. A thought that is so incredibly true about married life. Marriage makes us holy if we allow God to use it in our lives! Our spouse is a mirror into our hearts. And what we see in the mirror isn’t always pretty or nice. But, our loving God uses what we see to change us, mold us and make us! Great post! Whether our spouse changes or not, we have a responsibility to allow God to shape us. Marriage is a great tool for shaping, right?
It is! I just need to remember to LET it shape me. Thanks for the reminder, Jenilee!
I so admire your honesty. I feel like I am the same way sometimes with my husband. He is not perfect but he is so patient and kind and understanding and I know I fall way short of that with him. Just pray about it !
I know all to well what you are saying. Just this evening, feeling stressed I snapped at my own husband, who in turn calmly walked away and waited for me to calm down. I’ve ashamed of my snappiness all evening. So I’m joining you in the remodeling.
Simply? Nailed it!
you will get there. It all takes time.
((hugs))
~Kirs
You got me all sniffly. Good for you. So hard to admit fault and so easy to blame everyone else for our own behavior. Owning it is the first step to fixing it. Proud of you friend.
<3
My husband is downright perfect too. I’ve known him for over 15 years and I’ve never heard him yell. NOT. ONCE. I, on the other hand…. *sigh* Glad to know I’m not the only one.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said my husband was downright perfect!!
I can relate to this post and I thank you for posting this and for your openess. It is encouraging to know there are other wives out there like me…with Gods grace and help we can change! Hang in there!
Um, what you said. Only you’re way more eloquent than I.
SO-
what’s the next step?
Wow. Totally impressed with your honesty. I find myself doing the same things to my husband who is nothing but sweet and kind and patient with me – ALWAYS. Thank you for this post. I’m gonna join you in ripping out this old nasty carpet. It’s time for a fresh start.
Sorry, that was just my giddiness at being the first to comment. Pardon my foolishness. After reading your blog since I first got the prayer request for baby Stellan, it feels kinda surreal to actually be first to read your post. But again, sorry for being so silly.
I really do appreciate your honesty.
I feel like I could have written that post myself. — Both in regards to myself and my husband who is so long-suffering with me.
And I don’t say that to make what you said any lighter….but to just say that reading this post was like holding up a mirror to myself and I really needed that tonight.
I know there are plenty of people who will TRY to cause you grief by picking apart things you say in your posts, but I just want to say Thank you for your honesty and openness. It is a blessing to so many and I hope that God strengthens your marriage in spite of those who will try to blast you for it.
What happened to the “Like” feature on comments? I’d like to “Like” this reply, please!
Ditto to all A. Hathaway says!
I can relate all too well to this blog, wishing you all the best in the laying of your new carpet xo
No need to apologize! I had posted my post and was reading it through and before I even finished, your comment was there, so I knew exactly what had happened!
Loved your second comment, too.