My brain has been in overdrive lately. Trying to make sense of everything that is bouncing around in there is difficult enough. Figuring out how to share it with you on my blog adds another level of challenge. Before I delve into the meat of what is on my mind lately, I wanted to look back. Spiritually, I figure I can divide my 33 years thus far on earth into four rather distinct seasons. It is an overview of those seasons that I want to share with you tonight.
The first season includes my baby faith years. I was a young girl. I loved God because, for the most part, my parents did. I went to church because that was what our family did. My understanding of the Christian faith was real but not deep. My relationship with Jesus as a young girl was innocent, child like and beautiful. However, as I grew in the knowledge of Him, for one reason or another, I became rather legalistic. I do not doubt for one minute that my first born, rule following nature was at least partly to blame for the way I viewed Christianity during those years. I was pretty sure that my faith was a measure of how good I did at life, the Bible as one big rule book. I was always at the top of my (Sunday school) class. I memorized Bible verses, did my work for Wednesday night church and received attendance awards for Vacation Bible School. During this season, I believed I was a good Christian largely because I did the right things. Well, scratch that. I actually think my feeling of closeness to Christ had more to do with the fact that I didn’t do the wrong things. I was a goody goody two shoes if you ever saw one. My mind was hardly ever in the gutter, I never drank, had a clean mouth, got straight A’s, never smoked or cheated on exams, have only ever had sex with my husband and went to church, well, religiously. Certainly God was fairly happy to have such a good rule follower on His team, I thought. I had a lot to learn.
The second season in my faith journey was marked by an immaturity I suppose came with the territory. I was a new Christian, having only recently claimed Jesus as my own as an older girl. Having been brought up in the faith by my parents, there was a time when I had to decide if I believed in Jesus because they did or because I did. It might seem like that was a seamless transition for me, but it wasn’t. Of course, there was a slow, steady transition from my belief in Jesus as a young girl to my more deliberate belief in Him as a college student. He always has been a part of my life. I have always loved the Lord. However, it was truly not until I had almost reached my twenties that I honestly began to comprehend personal faith. One that I chose for myself after much contemplation. These years were marked by a growth in the knowledge that Jesus could be, and was, a personal friend to me. Interested in every detail of my life and not just some untouchable religious being, God became so very much more real to me. I spoke with Him, journaled to Him and grew in what Christians often describe as their walk with the Lord. For a time, I was insane with regret that I hadn’t known Jesus in this personal way for so many years, but it didn’t take long to realize that I could be thankful I had the rest of my life to do so. With a passion I had never known before, I started to share my faith with others, travel abroad to tell people about Him and devour God’s words in the Bible so that I could know Him better. This time of a developing personal relationship with Jesus was about me. And Him. A lingering love for following the rules God gives us stayed with me during this season, although I was just starting to see and experience myself as a sinner who failed at following those rules a large part of the time. At this point in what for all intents and purposes was my new faith, I was pretty sure I had it all figured out.
Once I was married, a third season surprised me by opening up before me. Being able to see myself for who I really was was a skill I grudgingly acquired pretty rapidly once I was married. My true self could no longer be hidden from everyone. My husband now at least started to know me deeply and see the areas where I was wounded and struggling. The facade I had so carefully built for years, the one in which I was a cherubic, rule abiding, passionate, practically perfect Christian crumbled. As my husband came to know the real me, with all my faults and weaknesses, I simultaneously came to know the real me, too. As I learned to forgive after being hurt by him, time and time again, I had to confront the idea that I needed to be forgiven as well. A lot. By my husband, myself and by God. It was not as easy pill to swallow, but walking through this third season brought a depth and peace to my faith experience. Nearly losing our son more times than I could count drove me deeper into the arms of God, where I shook and quivered as a broken woman, desperately in need of love and forgiveness. It was only during this season in my life that I truly began to understand God’s mercy and grace. No matter who we were, what we did, what thoughts crossed our minds or words sprung from our lips, we were loved by a perfect God. I basked in this newly grasped knowledge. I was saved, forgiven, seen as perfect and blameless in God’s eyes, even though I was anything but. Peace and contentment like I had never known flooded over me as I became enraptured in experiencing God as not one who simply has rules He wants me to follow, a personal relationship with me He wants to develop, but also grace and a pardoning of my many sins He wanted to grant me.
The fourth season I can divide my faith journey into thus far is hopefully not the last. As I seek to know my Lord deeper and better, being open to His refining work in my life, I hope there are many more seasons. This fourth one is fresh in my mind and heart right now, though, as I am living it today. Through traveling with Compassion to see the poorest of the poor in Kenya, hearing convicting speakers like Francis Chan speak about what really matters, getting to know our sponsored children, reading of disturbing poverty in books like The Hole in our Gospel, being challenged by a financial study and the book Radical, getting refined in close relationships with new friends at our church and in our small group, I have been confronted with an uncomfortable reality, both about my faith and about the world around me. Now that I have come this far, I fear that there is no turning back. I am also pleased that there is no turning back.
But what exactly is this fourth season, where is it pushing me and our family and how is my heart and life being affected? That, my friends, I plan to share with you soon when I can carve out more time to ponder and write. I can hardly wait to, for I have a sneaking suspicion that this fourth season in my walk with the Lord is going to be the least comfortable for me to walk through, yet the most important and status quo shattering for me to date.
I will admit to being simultaneously petrified and exhilarated.
You seriously just explained my life right now in your second season. I am a ripe 18-year-old and am in that second season EXACTLY as you explained.
Now, I can only hope and pray that the Lord guides me just as he guided you in those next two seasons. Please, please, please!
Prayers and blessings,
Alex Accornero
I’m guessing (hoping?) that this fourth season will have something to do with adoption? I know you mentioned it as something you were hoping to do a while back. Hope so, adoption is fantastic!
seasons can be so tough, but i know that God puts us through seasons for a reason. (eek, that rhymed!) i’m excited for you to share your next season, hard as it may be, because you will be a testimony for the Lord. praying for you, your marriage, your kids and your ovary!!
I really love this post. Because our Christian walks truly are journeys. We will never stop moving, we will never stop growing (hopefully), we will never be perfect but because of Christ, will always be “being perfected”…not to be accomplished on this earth but promised to us in the end (I mean the beginning…of eternity).
We’re on similar journeys, you and I.
And weren’t we just texting about Radical and how it’s changing and going to change our lives?!
Let’s pray for each other as we “take back our faith from the American dream”!
I always think of my life as phases of the moon, over and over again. As I have gotten older I have learned to look forward to the phases instead of fearing them. Each phase (or season) teaches me something new; each phase allows me to go deeper in my faith. I wouldn’t change that for the world.
Happy seasons or phases.
Oh how I can relate to being petrified and exhilarated in my own life too. Praying as your chapter unfolds.
Thank you for this post, MckMama. A comment conversation, along with this post, have really got me thinking tonight. Thinking about the ‘season’ in my faith that didn’t include much faith at all. I am thinking now about the ‘Christians’ who burned me from it, in ways, with their preachy, better-than-you attitudes. I am trying to remember how I felt while thinking now about how to share what HE has done for ME, without being that turn-off to someone else. I’m not sure I have any idea the right balance there -okay, I know for sure I have no clue at all -but I certainly want to give it lots of thought and prayer. So, thank you, for getting me to open myself to admit what parts of ‘Christian’ I can see might be the wrong approach. It’s hard, ya know?!…when you are so excited to share a great thing!
You have planted the seed and God will do the rest. There are many unbelievers who read here and I just want to say that I will pray for y’all, that you would come to know HIM!!
I wondered if you had read Jantsen’s Gift by Pam Cope? If not, I highly recommend it. Great story of how one woman’s grief from losing her child eventually caused her to attempt to help children living in poverty in Asia and Africa. Your post made me think of the book.
Are you supposedt to be taking long hot baths? You had surgery you said about 1 1/2 weeks ago. I was told 4 weeks no baths. Check with your Dr!
I work for a surgeon and in our office its 2 weeks……
it’s been really cool to sit back over the years (wow, has it really been that long?) and watch what God has been doing in your lives…
All I can say is that He is for sure getting the glory.
xo,
Victoria
Are you talking about Radical by David Platt!!???!?!? That book is AWESOME!! And he is awesome! I’ve been to his church before. He’s one of the best…along with Adrian Rogers. Jennifer, you have to go to his website and listen to some of his sermons. You will be glad you did!
http://www.brookhills.org/media Here is a link.
Loved it. You could say that I am in the pre-season, trying to figure out how to make God a part of my life but for some reason, totally afraid to try.
I will pray for you! It is sometimes hard to let go, but totally worth it.
I can identify with every single season you have mentioned here. I guess I am in my 4th season of Faith as well, though I am not at all sure where I am going with mine. I can’t wait to see what Christ has in store for your beautiful family! Hope you are feeling better!
Can’t wait to hear all your thoughts so I hope you feel better soon and find some time to get it all down in a post or two! Enjoy the weather…I know I sure am!
http://kandilandblog.blogspot.com
What an awesome post! Thanks for the insight and can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.
That is exactly how I have felt lately! My life will be forever changed, for the harder and more uncomfortable, but for the better and for my purpose in life. I am excited and scared about all these emotions and feelings, but I trust God and know that he would never have me do anything I am not capable of doing. I told him I am his and to be used for him, and he is starting to change me for the better! The Hole in the Gospel is the best book I have read, and it is life changing. The whole time I was reading it, I felt the holy spirirt at work in me.
Looking back onto the landscape of my past, I, too, see distinct seasons much as you’ve described. The only difference for me was a three year span of completely darkness and disconnection from God, a season I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but that has made the seasons since that time much sweeter.
Even though I’m technically in my 5th season, it is much like your fourth, and shaped by many similar experiences. My work with Compassion and my subsequent trip with Compassion to Honduras, our sponsorships, Radical, Too Small To Ignore, Fireproof, the hardships of marriage and the changes that have been ongoing in my marriage since God has begun to change me… seeing my husband’s heart begin to soften and grow… it’s all exhilarating, intoxicating, and breathtaking.
LOVE this post… Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to you, and to the God we serve.
Thank you for posting. I have read your blog for a while but never posted. I can so relate to being the oldest child being dependable thinking I was doing everything right, but not really. God allowed me to grow and teach me so many things after high school. HE STILL WORKING ON ME TO MAKE ME WHAT HE WANTS ME TO BE! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing! I have experienced similar seasons (very) though some different as well in my life. One in particular being a very hard but good season. On the other side, a very important and necessary season. I am excited to hear more about your 4th season! Praying for you and your fam
LOVE IT!!! If we all really took a look, I mean a real deep look, into our faith lives we could divide it like you have. Although we often want to gloss over and make everything seem as though we have it all together, always. Thank you for being honest and open and sharing your deep thoughts on Christianity with the world. You are an amazing woman!!!
I Love this post, and you are such an inspiring Christian, one who Loves the Lord and it shows! You walk the talk..Love you MckMama!
wonderful post. i can also relate to the different seasons, but could have never put them into words like you did! i’m sure god is doing great things in your life and i am excited to hear more about your 4th season.
southern love and prayers from alabama!
Wow, I can so relate to your story, being a first-born as well. I can relate to every season you spoke about even right down to the marriage problems. I am still learning to forgive my husband for our early years of marriage and I know God is moving me into the fourth season you spoke of. I also read and listen to Francis Chan’s teaching, he is amazing! I can’t wait to hear where God is taking you next!!!!
I am so excited for you, can’t wait to see what god has in store. Thinkning of you often, hope you’re doing okay. Hugs,
I am excited to hear what’s in store for you. There is a quake going on in our hearts here and it’s, for the lack of a better word, uncomfortable. But, in a good way. Once you have your eyes opened to certain things, truths, ways of living, you can’t go back. And the seasons keep turning themselves over to other seasons.
Steph
You are moving to Kenya!!!
You have finally figured out how silly all of this is? You have seen through the filter to see that it is humans that make the difference in the world. It is the fear of God failing that brings people to do what they believe is Jesus work? Can you imagine if people didn’t answer when a Church said Jesus wanted you to do something people would realize it is people not some magic man in the sky that makes things happen here on earth. You are switching to Humanism and doing what is right for the human race. Humans have always made up religion to explain things and make things easier to deal with emotionally. Humans must take responsibility for their own behavior because there is no one at the end of the tunnel to save us. This is it. The doctors saved Stellan. Religion is a false delusion. I understand it makes your life easier to think there is a giant parent somewhere who cares about what you do and what happens to you. It is nice to think you are not alone in your pain, suffering, and indecision, but you are. It is nice to be able to blame someone else when things go wrong. To say someone else knows best and you just don’t understand. But you are responsible for your life and only you.
I believe in Santa. Others who believe in Santa will make sure I get what I ask for because they don’t want Santa to fail. If Santa doesn’t come through for me then Santa didn’t want me to have it.
Same thing.
I hope you aren’t going to do missionary work. I find it very disrepectful to think your myth is any better than anyone elses. It is arrogant. Jesus wasn’t arrogant. The Jesus I read about would save all the babies. The Jesus I read about would not allow people who have never even heard of Jesus to go to hell. It makes no sense at all. The Jesus I read about wouldn’t make the kids in Kenya attend church to get a meal once a week.
You are allowed to have your myth and so I am and so are people all over the world. Your myth is no better than anyone elses. The purpose is the same to get through the struggles and pain of life and not give up. No religion is better than another. No one has all the truth. It is time to read the Blind Men and the Elephant.
Mary, you mustn’t have much to do at night if you can leave a long winded, totally unnecessary comment such as this on her blog. Whatever you think/feel, maybe try keeping it to yourself if its not encouraging or supportive. Kapeesh?
I agree with Jodie’s reply…please keep your negative opinions to yourself. I find your comment to be very disrespectful. Reading this blog is optional…you don’t have to come back. Yet you chose to. If you don’t agree with something…click out, but please don’t leave rude comments for others to read especially one that is as degrading as this. Your comment doesn’t speak to your “knowledge” or “truth” it only speaks to your unhappiness and ignorance. Thank you.
Thanx StephG.
People who have spare time to read a long post on someones blog, and write out that kind of response, REALLY need to find something to fill their lives with. It is purely unhappiness & ignorance & as the other commenters said below, if you don’t believe, thats your choice, but DO NOT attack anyone who does.
Karma is a pain, what goes ’round comes ’round
Aren’t you juding her for having the beliefs of a Humanist? It makes me laugh when people say to not judge Mckmama and then out of the other side of the mouth, They JUDGE!
Definitely not judging her beliefs only asking that she leave the negative comments out of it. I may not agree with what another believes, but definitely respect their right to believe it. The degrading comments are not necessary though and she is coming across as a very unhappy person. If this is not so I apologize. However, if she is a happy person than the comment should at least reflect something nice/positive/friendly. Not a comment that is so unkind.
i’m not judging, i believe we are advising that throwing around insults, being degrading & quite rude, on a blog that you can easily navigate away from & visit something like “fAcEbOoK”, is not right & uncalled for.
I agree with you, BUT, when you said, “Mary, you mustn’t have much to do at night if you can leave a long winded, totally unnecessary comment such as this on her blog” and “People who have spare time to read a long post on someones blog, and write out that kind of response, REALLY need to find something to fill their lives with” aren’t you “throwing around insults, being degrading & quite rude”? Just sayin’.
Mary, I am going to pray for you. I don’t say this in a pious manner, but my God DOES love you, care for you and wants to help you through your unbelief. Hugs to you!
You are all so disgusting with your hateful remarks, you give all Christians a bad name, and it is clear that this blog and Jennifer are an idol in your lives. Stop it already. Jesus said that we are not to respond in this manner to others that believe differently than we do. We are more accountable than the person who commented as we know the truth. God help you all.
Mary, you sound like you desperately want to believe in a higher power. The idea that self-centered humans, who are doing such a great (not) job fixing the ails of the world, are our only hope is a dismal one, and a lot of anger and depression comes through your words. I challenge you to read a chapter from the book of John every day for a month and sincerely pray that God would reveal Himself In an unmistakeable way to you. There’s a great freedom and peace that comes from surrending the notion that I am in charge, the opposite of what humanism says.
As much as those who aren’t believer in that “higher power” you reference, want respect for that decision; those of us who DO believe and KNOW the truth that we are NEVER alone in our suffering, wish that same respect be shown to us. MckMama is a believer. If you are not, that is your opinion and also your right; but please don’t tear believers down. I agree with the commenter that says she senses you want very badly to believe in something more. And believing that we are not alone in suffering and believing that GOD can (and DOES!) heal, does not make life any easier. It makes it more difficult, in fact, to know that the God we serve CAN heal our loved ones, and sometimes may choose not to because HE alone can see the whole picture. But in the end, God does heal each and every one of us who believes -be it on this side of heaven or in heaven alone.
The Jesus you say you read about, and His Father, both know suffering more than any of us could ever comprehend. I hope that you continue reading about Him and I hope that you can find the same peace and faith and love that believers have found in HIS truth alone.
And here I thought “freedom” in the US of A also meant freedom to express yourself, religious views, political views, etc…
Sure, express your views which are contrary, but express them as they relate to you and your experiences, not to tell others that what they believe and their reality is “silly”….
I’m very sorry you think I called her beliefs silly -I thought I only said I hoped she could find the peace that faith in HIM can bring. I respect her beliefs but feel that she could be happier if she believed in the same God I do. It helped me! I never, ever meant her beliefs were silly. But I simply could not sit back and hear that people, not God, are what runs this world -thank GOD that’s not true!!
Julie – I meant the comment for MAry’s not yours. Sorry if I offended you!
Mary: I’m sorry as well. On my iPhone, it looked like it was to me and I honestly scrolled up to see where I called her ‘silly’. HA! So, it’s all good.
Admittedly, I do jump at some of these comments sometimes. But I see how things are done to MckMama, every word picked apart to fit negative instead of positive. I want everyone to know the joy I found in Jesus! I fail miserably at walking it; thank goodness though and I will never apologize for being passionate about the ‘big man in the sky’ that holds my family close:) Thanks for supporting Him with your words to Mary also. But, we? We are ALL GOOD:)
Very, very well said. ::::clapping::::
Comments like these just break my heart. I really wish everyone could know Him.
Julie – even if they choose not to, I wish that they would respect people enough not to attack beliefs which are different from theirs.
Jennifer, she is not a believer – of course she will beon the attack. What we all need to be careful of is how we handle the attack. Coming back at her and “attacking” certainly isn’t the way. We don’t know her situation, we don’t know who has hurt her along life’s path….but what we do know is the love needs to be shown even when someone is flinging mud. So she doesn’t agree, so she gives her opinion. She has that right. I would rather everyone ignore than comment that hurts her more. We don’t have to defend our Savior. We don’t have to defend His word. HE will take care of that. Mary – you have a right to your opinion and I did read it and you gave made me ponder this all even more. I don’t agree with you but I know and live among many nonbelievers and that is ok. Sometimes us believers tend to live in our comfy world with our compy believing friends and we don’t get out there enough. Sheesh people, how would Jesus handle Mary????
Amen to everything you said!!!!!
Oh Mary, You have it all wrong. I will pray that you may know the TRUTH!
SHE’s arrogant? Good lord.
You think it’s easier to believe in a big comforter in the sky? I think it would be easier to be a non-believer. Not to be accountable to anyone or anything. Without God, who determines what is right or wrong? Surely anything goes. I wouldn’t have to forgive. I wouldn’t have to think about what I say before I say it. I wouldn’t have to treat others as I want to be treated. I wouldn’t have to put my faith in something I cannot see.
I cannot see your argument. Why would people on Earth create something mythical that tells them not to do what they want to do? Why would people create a Hell? Why not make it so that everyone just goes to a different kind of Heaven?
There are lots of women that read this blog that have lost their children. They believe that their children are in Heaven, waiting for them. Thank goodness we have you, speaker of The Truth, to tell them that heaven is a made up place and their belief that their child lives on is silly and akin to the belief in Santa. I can tell that you do NOT believe in God, or any form of human decency.
Just because someone does not believe in God does not mean they have no human decency. I practice ALL of the things that you said- forgiveness, kindness, and compassion, along with political activism, community service, and neighborhood improvement. I do these things not because “God” told me to, but because I have a moral code that tells me that it is right to help people and wrong to hurt them. Very simple. I learned this from my parents, who were also not motivated by religious beliefs, but rather by common decency and good values.
That said, my values say that it’s not nice to insult people and that even though we disagree, we should respect each other as fellow human beings. So I feel that Mary could have been more polite, and so could Dena.
I didn’t mean that she has no human decency because she isn’t a “believer.” I was referring to the fact that she’d reduce the christian belief into a fairytale and completely disrespect another’s belief system- without any regard to people who live their lives with the hope that there is something else out there (ie. mothers who lost their children). I thought that was completely lacking in decency…or in other words, rude as hell.
Granted, I was rude as well in my response. I was just irritated.
Okay, I understand where you are coming from. Your comment said “Without God, who determines what is right or wrong?” I just wanted to point out that one doesn’t have to believe in God to have a value system. But I do agree with you, she was disrespectful in her response when she didn’t need to be. Funny how a blog post can spark so much debate… not just this entry but so many posts these days- even the most harmless ones seems to generate discord.
With all due respect for your beliefs, your argument has a lot of holes. Namely that you don’t want Jen to be spreading her belief system (or myth) as greater than another when that is exactly what you are doing in your comment. It doesn’t make a ton of sense to me to put down someone else beliefs for putting down someone else’s beliefs?
No, not at all. I understand that religion fills an important human need. I don’t care if she believes the same as I do at all. I have no interest in converting anyone to anything. I do, however, object to others so bent on converting people to their truth. How offended would you be if Muslim missionaries came to poor parts of the United States and fed and taught the children IF they would attend the Mosque? What if they would have gone into Hurricane Katrina areas afterwards as “helpers” when they were really there to convert people. The help part is fine, but when Christians help as a disguise for conversion I personally think it is wrong.
I put my opinion out there only because she is always preaching there is only one way. She is the one who brought up religion. I am not trying to be disrespectful at all. I believe you can be respectful and disagree although it is obvious here than many Christian readers automatically assume otherwise because
As a human I heard about Stellan and got sucked into the story. That is why I am here.
Not sure if you believe anything the Bible says, but it says that Jesus is “THE Way, THE truth and THE life…no man comes to the Father but by HIM”. Just like 2+2 can only =4, the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ.
I wish all comments could be second comments -I know I’ve thought through more the second time around:)
The thing is, no one attacked your beliefs or tried to convert you to anything. YOU commented on Jennifer’s blog about how ‘silly’ you feel our faith in God is. What about that comment would you expect readers of a Christian mommy blog to NOT be defensive about?! While I usually jump angry at these comments, because I feel it’s probably just one of the couple of commenters from the hate blog that comment just enough to feed their other comments there, I don’t feel I did that with you. I feel like I, and others who write better than myself, simply suggested that you continue to search the Bible for as much about Jesus as you can. We hope that you would find the happiness we have in Him. But, we aren’t trying to convert you -as many non believers feel when believers share what we’ve found with you. In all honesty, Christians want everyone to convert THEMSELVES to a relationship with Jesus. We know, for us, ain’t nothin’ ever been better.
We can respect beliefs but we expect the same in return.
Hi Mary.
If you’re reading this, and if you’d like to talk w/ someone who agrees w/ you, please email me, shari516 at yahoo dot com. I’m not necessarily saying I think Jennifer’s blog was the best forum for such a long piece on religion and why you disagree w/ her religious views, especially since the majority of her readers are very religious folks. I don’t know whether or not you intended to sound disrespectful, but that’s how the majority of the readers are going to take it, due to their strong religious faith. It’s kinda like going to an NRA meeting and proclaiming that you support a handgun ban — probably not the best idea! (to use an extreme example! *grin*)
Anyhoo, whether or not your forum choice was good, your logic and reason definitely are. I was raised to believe in god and to follow a certain religion (I’ll tell you more if you email me) but the older I got, the more I realized that organized religion was just not for me. And not necessary. I respect everyone else’s religious choices, tho, as long as they respect mine and they don’t try to win me over or put me down. “Live and let live” is my motto!
Cheers and peace,
Shari
I really enjoyed reading of your journey of faith. I am much,much older than you but loved that the beginning of our journeys were much the same. I was the eldest of 5 and I really know about being a goody-goody and dependable. I thank God for parents who took me to church but unfortunately due to the denomination that we belonged to they have never come to a real saving relationship with our Lord. I would thin that I am now in my fourth season as well and am constantly confronted by the unpleasantness in the world and what, we, as Christians can do to show the love of God. I am firmly convinced that is the Love of God that will bring people to him. Not trying to convince them that they need a Saviour. It is love, love, love.
Thank you for sharing and my God continue to lead you and your famiy into His paths for you.
Jennifer
You have been in my thoughts this week and I have felt lead to pray for your family’s future in all areas. Might I suggest reading Pilgram’s Progress? It is full of insight when one is feeling unsure of where leading is taking them.
I am curious and hope you will tell us worrying what will become of your income producing means now that BlogHer is out of the picture.
I hope all is well with you. I’ve been thinking about your family often lately and sending up prayers
What a wonderful post! I am 16, have always grown up in the church, and I think that I am 1/4 of the way into my second season. But I hate suspense……please, please, please tell us soon!!! I am so excited to see what God has in store for your beautiful family!
Fresh out of a big sob fest because of all my own personal flaws, I don’t have a lot to offer in this moment, not that you’re looking for offerings… I am excited to see what the next Mckthing is though. And I’m hoping that there is still a reconnection in our near future.
Wow, that is hands down, by far, the most directly spoken message I have had this week! Thanks.
. It has been a VERY long day and I am to be honest, highly discouraged on several notes. One, that we seem to be having a relasp and that I am angry with myself for not fully believe without doubt that He had healed him and angry that I have fear of this starting up again. I shouldn’t be afraid, that makes me mad.
I too feel I have gone through these same seasons, including the first born nature for control and the struggles through marriage…..I feel I am in this fourth stage, looking for the next thing. THe next step He has in my life. I FEEL it is something huge and I guess that is partly what is frustrating me right now.
Braedon got sick again last night. We started our day at 5am vomitting
I am frustrated that I want to be extending myself and instead I feel stuck in a severe amount of fatigue and constant health drama in our family. I wonder if I am just not seeing what God has for me to do because I am so tired or if He just hasn’t supplied me with it yet. I get frustrated that I am tired of the struggles and challenges and life lessons and just want it to all clear up so I can move on to whatever great things He has for me to do.
I am so excited for you and the family; I can’t wait to hear what is in your future and what thoughts are running around in your heart. I am praying God can give me the engergy tonight to start a new day tomorrow. Devoted to being calmer and more patient, with him, Soapy and the kids so that I can have more time and energy to be focused on His words to me.
Praying for you my friend that your biopsies have come back clean and that is why you have not shared anything…no news is good news right? Love ya girl!
We’re reading Radical with our small group and I’m reading Tim keller’s The Prodigal God. Between the two I’m
thanks for sharing. It’s always exciting to hear about what God is doing in the lives of others.
pretty much wrecked but it’s a good thing.
Wanted to say that GOD never closes one door without opening another door.
Yay! You’re finally converting to Catholicism. Right?! Oh, I hope so; you seem so close already in some ways! Okay, so I’m probably wrong, but a girl can hope. . .
Love this post. I love the honesty and I love seeing where you and your family are going through your blog. Thank you
” Now that I have come this far, I fear that there is no turning back.”
So true, I have often thought, now that I know this, I can’t un-know this…
I think though, that in a sense, I could turn back, in as far as turning back to just living a “normal” life. There are times when I think back and think that it was easier somehow… but even if I did turn back in lifestyle (never in belief), it could never be the same, it could never be back to not knowing the things I know now, it could never be back to not having seen the things that I’ve seen.
It can never be the same. That’s powerful. I’m a creature of habit, as so many humans are, and yet the more I go through, the more I grow, the more I see, the more I know, it changes me. Change can be so hard and so scary, but it can also be so freeing and so exhilerating!
Excited for you and your family as you grow in Him!
Wow it’s a little scary how similar our spiritual walk is. I could describe myself in this 4th season as well. Im in an online study of Radical, have read Francis Chan’s books and just returned from Catalyst where I heard him speak among many other wonderful speakers. I’m so ready to see where this chapter takes me!
So neat!!!! A friend’s husband just went to Catalyst, too. I think their worlds are going to change dramatically, too! Thank you for sharing with me!!!
I always read your posts but don’t always have time to comment. I do want you to know that I always pray for your family. I know God has awesome things in store for you guys and that you will be used in mighty ways. My husband and I are growing closer to the Lord every day and I am striving to learn so much and I can’ t seem to get my fill. That is a good thing though. I struggle with trying to be the “perfect” mother and I think I am realizing that there is no such thing lol. Especially with such a strong willed child as Blaze. I do understand the fear of almost losing my child. Mine from totally different reasons of course but scary just the same and it has built a faith in me that is undeniable. It is stil shaky sometimes and I make the mistake of thinking “I” can do it when in reality “I” can’t do anything. Only HE can. I am excited to hear of what our family’s next step is and I have a tickling suspicion of something but won’t mention my thoughts. You know, in case I am totally off base haha.
Hey, you! It’s great to hear from you. Lovely to know that even though it’s been awhile, you’re still around. Your comment was just so encouraging…I love hearing of others’ faith journeys. Thanking Him for drawing you and your husband closer to Him!!! And for striving to learn, not able to get your fill. It is a good thing! I am feeling much the same way. And, in case you were not off base, feel free to say, “I knew it!” at some point in the near future on my blog. Hehe.
Thank you so much for replying to me. I am so happy that I encouraged you. I know you get your fill of discouragement on a daily basis and I am sure that can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. If only they had a pump for that huh?? Heehee. You guys just keep your heads up and your eyes on God and all will be ok. Your kids have grown so much and are just beautiful. I think about all that Stellan went through and how perfect he is and it just blows my mind. That is amazing. God is amazing and we are so very lucky to know Him! I will for sure say “I knew it” if it comes up on your blog and turns out to be what I am thinking it may be. if you don’t mind could you say a little prayer for my husband and son and I. Just that we can stay in the path that He wants us in and that we as parents can raise Blaze in his honor and teach him all he needs to know. Also if you could throw in a small prayer just for Blaze to continue to be healthier and now that he is hearing to soar with his speech therapy and come up to target with his speech skills. Having a conversation would make things so much easier for him as he gets so frustrated because he can’t communicate what he needs to get across and I can sympathize with him because I get frustrated when he doesn’t understand what I am trying to say. it is getting better every day though and God is faithful and I know He has great plans for this miracle of ours that took us 12 years and 6 doctors to conceive. Anyway, sorry for the long post. I got a little carried away.
I always love your spiritual posts because it reminds me that we’re all human. Sometimes I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be in my faith, but to hear where you were in your 20′s also I feel I’m okay. I did the same when I was a small child, always going to church with my Mom and Sunday school and vacation bible school. I was Mary in the Nativity play and helped the smaller groups in the summer. I’m the “good kid” compared to my friends and that’s okay with me.
I do wonder however, how you find a church that fits you. I mean we have churches EVERYWHERE around here, all sorts of different ones, but I don’t know where I belong. I moved away from my childhood church but the churches I’ve been to around here, well they’re nice, but they’re just so… boring. The words don’t move me, or draw in my attention. I feel like I’m just being lectured in a class at school and while that’s fine for College, it just doesn’t feel right for church. Anyways case in point, when you moved, how did you find your new church?
Wow. Loved your honesty on here and I. CAN’T. WAIT to see what the next step is. Because your heart is open to Him He will be able to use you in big ways. I continue to pray for you as you await medical results and will pray for peace as God guides you through this 4rth phase & transition.
Thank you, Melissa!!!
You’re welcome. *HUGS*
I rarely comment on the blogs, but I enjoy your posts so much! So many, especially this one I can really relate to. We have a daughter who was born with primordial dwarfism, so while I can’t relate to what Stellan’s situation was like for you and your husband, I do understand the worry and walk of faith you take when your child is hurting and you have to let it go and let God. Hope all continues to be well fo you and your family!
Stacy-
One of my almost 8 year old son’s friends is a sweet little soul named Hannah. She also has primordial dwarfism and is also 7. Sweetest little girl I know. She helps him with his spelling words at our church’s after school program they attend:)
hugs to you!!
Marriage certainly forces us to face the hardest step of Christianity: giving up control.
I second that!!
Thank YOU Katie, for the large role you know you played in that (ever ongoing) process in my life. I will be eternally grateful for how God used you to speak to me, both now and, most notably, a couple of years ago when you first (??) started reading and commenting on my blog. Thank you!!!
It is always great to be able to reflect on our lives and the path that we took to get to where we are today. God walks with us and sometimes he carries us. It is interesting though, how sometimes we are unaware the He was there through our hardest times until we are completely through them. God is always with us and will never leave us. Gods grace is amazing and we can learn so much from it. I look forward to what comes next!
You are always so open about your life. I love to read about your thoughts and how you put them down on paper…(blog)
However when I read the last paragraph. I got a bad feeling. I have been away for awhile and I am trying to play catch up. I am praying that the results from your biopsy came back ok.
Whatever it is I will be thinking about you.
I pray all is well.
Spill it! Oh wait, I mean, I’m looking forward to knowing what your next step is. I hope you’re taking the fam to africa.
I love the reflection on your spiritual walk. I might have to do that myself…
“Spill it!!” Oh, that gave me a much needed chuckle! Thanks, TrophyMama!!!