If you’ve read my blog for some time, it likely comes as no surprise to you that I take a bit more of a Laissez Faire approach when it comes to political topics like how involved our government should be in our lives. No, rest assured, this is not another post about government. I am quite happy with how I’ve covered my thoughts in these posts.
Instead, I’m writing tonight about the Laissez Faire approach I have chosen to take with my parenting and how counter cultural that mindset seems to be these days.
The political climate today. The parenting climate today. It’s the old chicken or the egg thing as to which of the two came first. I really won’t even wager a guess, because I have no idea. Yet there seem to me to be striking correlations between the government that the majority in our nation seem to want these days, what some would deem a nanny state, and the style of parenting I see plenty of in the public square.
Have any of you noticed a trend towards more and more protection of our children? I have. So much, if not all, of what I see in today’s parenting climate is well meaning. Under the very wonderful umbrella of wanting to protect our children from predators, physical injury, hurt feelings and sunburn, protective beliefs abound. With a heartfelt desire to protect our little ones, parents have bought into so many ideas. And many of them rightly so. Children should be protected from the sun or wear sunblock. They must be in five-point harnesses in the car. Children under age 1 should never be given honey. Breastfed babies don’t usually get enough Vitamin D, so supplements are recommended. Helmets should be worn whenever a child is on a bicycle. Trampolines are safer when surrounded by a net.
There are numerous safety conscious rules and suggestions that weren’t around when we were little, let alone when our parents were growing up. And I’m far from saying that such ideas should be shunned across the board. In fact, I follow almost (ahem) all of the recommended practices above. As I said, these well meaning parenting ideals are there for our children’s protection. And who doesn’t want our children to be protected? I know I certainly do.
It’s just that I think, and here I am finally getting to my main point, this trend towards helicopter parenting, with moms and dads hovering about their children watching their every move and checklisting them for safety, is getting slightly out of hand.
And, as things in the parenting sector move more dramatically towards protecting our children, the irony I find is that we are sometimes actually hurting our children more.
When I first began to parent the way I do, I did it just because that was what seemed natural to me. And the more children my husband and I have had, the more deliberate I have become about those same parenting ideals. Letting kids be kids since 2004. That’s our mantra. It’s just that, until the recent past, I didn’t realize how rather counter cultural my beliefs are in the parenting climate’s increasing nanny state status. The more I am around other parents, the more I read, the more I blog and get feedback from readers, the more I realize that while there are plenty of people who feel the same way as I do, there are many who don’t.
And, as I’ve blogged about before, good parenting is not about keeping up with the Jones’, or mothering your children the way your neighbor does. If you know me, you’ll know I don’t buy into the whole let’s all parent the same way and make mothers who do things differently from us feel bad thing. Blech. Good parenting is about knowing your children, being close enough to them to feel the pulse of what they have going on, so you can make the best choices for them.
There is a fine line I draw between thinking everyone should parent the way I do (I don’t…except that I think you should parent the way you know is best for your children regardless of what others think) and between wanting you guys to know that I think the way parenting today is trending is not the best for any of our children.
A commenter on my last post, with a Ph.D. in Child Development, made some amazing points. These are things I’ve always innately felt, but had no real proof of. Until I read her comment and did a little research myself. Turns out that, even according to child development studies, what she shares is spot on. “If you take away the child’s ability to naturally explore jumping, climbing, space, their body’s response to impact and how to adjust the way their body needs to land on impact, then you are not promoting their natural development. In fact, you are hindering their innate physical development. The emotional component of development also needs the opportunity to explore how to take risks and gain confidence. Kids are made (and for natural development, required) to spin, jump, and most importantly fall…The more you restrict a child’s natural need to take risks, the more they will seek out even more risky behavior. For example, if all they hear is “no jumping off the couch”, “no jumping off the playground structure,” “no jumping off the table” etc., etc., they are only going to be forced to search out something they can jump off of when you aren’t looking and there to make sure they are safe.”
And, I have no tangible evidence to support my next statement, but I simply have this feeling that by holding our children back from experiencing life because we as parents have become germophobic, we are also doing them no favors. “Don’t eat that, it fell on the floor!” “Don’t touch that lizard, it’s filthy!” ” By overly protecting our children from germs, I have to wonder if we are actually helping to make them less resistant to illness, thus making them more likely to get sick instead of less. In fact, this is exactly part of the issue I take with some recommended childhood vaccines. But that’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax.
Of course, there are children who have contracted salmonella after handling a toad and forgetting to wash their hands…men who smoked a pack a day their whole lives and live longer than all their friends. But I don’t think that living our lives based on the statistical outliers on either end is the way to go. What if, just for the fun of it, parents looked at actual statistics about the safety of their children? I did just that today, and what I found was fascinating, affirming and inspiring.
Journalist Carol Midgley posed the following question, with stats to back up the answer. “All you anxious parents out there who are busy wrapping your children in cotton wool this summer the better to protect them from the predatory pedophiles inevitably lurking behind every…hedge: Let’s just suppose, in some sick parallel universe, that you wanted your children to be abducted. Let’s imagine that you’d had enough of them and decided that your cunning plan was to chuck them out of the house then sit back and wait for some passing kid-snatcher to run off with them. How long do you think you’d have to wait?” The answer? It would take 200,000 years. In any given year, an average child has a 0.0005% chance of being abducted by a stranger.
Warwick Cairns is an author who wrote the book How to Live Dangerously: Why We Should All Stop Worrying and Start Living. The book speaks to my heart. And to my fascination with statistics and numbers. The book “also concludes that if you really want to be safe, you ought to put yourself in more danger.”
Turns out, my husband and I have been doing that with our children all along!
You see, friends, photographs of our children on wet trampolines or jumping from hay bale to hay bale aren’t meant to cause blog controversy. Sometimes they do, but I post them because this is our life. And, in words and pictures, I long to show others how freeing and empowering it can be both for parents and children alike to not hover so closely. To protect our children from natural consequences that can serve to teach them valuable lessons is to do them a disservice, I believe.
In his book Paranoid Parenting, sociologist Professor Frank Furedi points out the irony in overprotective parenting as well. “Three children a day, for instance, are injured in the home from burns or smoke inhalation, and one dies every ten days.” Yet more children than ever are being kept indoors to protect them from being abducted. The irony? There is a .0005% chance a child will be abducted by a stranger, yet one child is burnt to death every ten days after an accident in the home.
And these statistics back up the way I’ve long felt. I’m not going to fall prey to fears when they are not logical or even likely to happen. I am going to live my life to the fullest and teach our children to do the same thing.
I’ve even, gasp, left my children buckled in the car while I run in to return a movie or whatnot. I think that, although the unthinkable could happen, they’re probably safer there than all crossing the parking lot with me twice.
It’s not that I don’t fear awful things like kidnapping happening to our children. I do. I watch them like a hawk when they bathe, especially since we have more children now because drowning freaks me out. But I also know that some of my fears are irrational, like my fear of flying, proved more irrational than even I knew by Cairns’ book in which he shares that I’d have to fly in an airplane every single day for 26,000 years before I would statistically die in a crash, while “in the same period [I'd] have been killed 20 times driving to the airport.” I do still fear these things, sometimes often. But herein lies the difference between me and some other parents: I refuse, absolutely refuse, to let those fears rule me or my children’s lives.
There are risks that my husband and I do worry about and take very seriously. It’s just that not touching snakes and never jumping out of trees aren’t going to make the cut of risk lowering restrictions we are going to impose on our children.
Besides, we happen to think that by living dangerously, our children are actually safer.
Well, we think that and that this world is not the ultimate end, anyway. While I don’t want one of my children to leave my arms and meet Jesus just yet if I had my choice, I’m thankful that I know a God with Whom any of us can spend eternity whenever we do leave this earth, no matter how we die.
Oh, that was, literarily speaking, the poorest conclusion to a post I’ve ever written. But I had to say it!
And now I’m done.
Oh, man, I just can’t find a way to end this post!!
Somebody help me! It’s after midnight and I should not be writing this late because I just get slap happy and that’s what’s happening to me!!
Sigh.
I’ve been at the playground, pool, dance studio, gym many times with my daughter when another parent, grandparent or friends gasps and nervously asks me- Are you watching her? Is she O.K.? Are you going to let her do that? At 9 she is and had always been very physically active and adept and a bit of a risk taker. She has had her share of bumps, scrapes and bruises and 1 broken arm, but is quite co-ordinated. She walked at 9 months and was running by 10 months. My answer to these questions from other onlookers- Don’t watch her! Her phys-ed teacher calls her his all time favorite student and her dance teacher loves her! And so do I, she is so much fun and such a free spirit! My son is her opposite and because of this I use different parenting techniques for both of them. You know what is best for your children, don’t let anyone tell you any different.
I am pregnant with my first child right now (21w along) and I know how I would like to parent, but I have absolutely no idea how I will parent since my little one is still inside me (but I definitely lean on the more relaxed side of things). I know people get super passionate about the subject either way, but seriously I don’t get it when people get offended by other people’s opinions. Jennifer never said her way was the right way, she was just sharing her “opinion” and “approach” to parenting. Even if I completely disagreed with her I wouldn’t bash her for sharing her thoughts. That is the whole point of a blog. I know people don’t always love what I have to say, but that’s the point. If I am saying and sharing what I truly believe and feel I am not always going to be supported. For instance I am against Abortion and when I say that I mean in no circumstance do I think Abortion is acceptable in God’s eyes. If I wrote that on my blog I know I would get people calling me simple minded and “religious” and not understanding. But seriously its “my” opinion. Bending to different sides or changing my opinion to fit the masses no longer makes it my opinion. It makes everything Politically Correct. Which is just yucky. The whole point of a blog is to share, discuss, learn and have fun. If someone posts something that you don’t agree with that is fine, but no need to get all defensive about it. You should be confident in who you are and what your opinions and beliefs are regardless of those around you.
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Melissa!
Can I get an Amen?!
haha
Does anyone know how I can change the image that keeps showing up next to my posts? That image is from a wordpress blog that I created eons ago (for another company) and I have no idea how it got attached to my account now. Any help would be much appreciated I hate looking at it
Yes! Go to gravatar.com and it will walk you through uploading another one!
Actually, for once I’ve been reading through the comments and I can’t find a single one that I would characterize as “bashing.” Whether they agreed or disagreed with MckMama, everyone has been extremely respectful.
This is because, unfortunately, many comments of those who disagree are blocked.
I love you! I check the blog multiple times a day looking for new posts and I’m disappointed if nothings there and excited when something is. I love your photographs and writing. I am always entertained. Your children are beautiful! If we ever met I think we would be good friends. I only have one child, a two year old boy, but always wanted a bunch close together. I even wanted all boys and one girl. I’m a christian and a special education teacher. I dream of living in the country but live in a big city (Tempe suburb of phx). If you guys are every out this way you and the family can stay with us. Ok, I’m sounding a bit like some kind of stalker mom. This post was great and I think you are awesome. I’m still a bit of a helicopter mom (especially at the playground), partly because I’m always taking pictures, but I want to be more like you and think it’s the better parenting style. I don’t understand why you get so many negative comments. Why are those people still continuing to read your blog? It annoys me that people personally attack you and your family and I always feel bad. Oh, and I’ve left my son in the car too to run into a quick-mart, run back inside house for something I forgot etc. Funny story about the first time I did that. It was hot and I wanted to leave car running but locked (fear of carjacking). I removed my remote and left key in ignition. I locked the car and ran inside to get drink. Of course I’m watching from inside and come back a minute later). Car won’t open. I was freaking out! Try again. Nope! Apparently when you do that the remote doesn’t work. I was frantic. I asked the clerk for something I could smash a windo with but he use a coat hanger and had it open in secs. The whole thing was less then 5 minutes but I felt like such a horrible mom and never told anyone about it. I love your honesty! I love Not Me Mondays! Ok, I’ve rambled on enough (typing on I-touch which is a pain) but I wanted you to know how much I enjoy your blog and your family. THANKS!
I’ve found too, that by not saying “No” all the time, that when I do say it, they kids actually listen. We have no jumping on the livingroom couch (because I don’t want it broken), but we have a “kid’s couch” in our playroom where jumping is allowed. My kids jump off of rope swings into swimming holes, climb ladders to get to zip lines, and go “farm surfing” for summer fun! (old conveyor belt hooked up to a tractor……you jump on and try to stay standing…. it’s a hoot!) Yes, we take reasonable precautions. My middle two are not strong swimmers, so they wear life jackets when jumping off the rope swing. There’s always an adult watching in case of trouble. They wear water shoes, and go with an adult, when climbing and searching for “creatures” in the creek. It’s about living life, and having fun…. learning together as a family, and not taking for granted this amazing gift of life we all have been blessed with.
This post was so wonderfully and refreshingly stated!
My husband and I have a 3 year old son who, we think, has a serious track and field future. He is constantly on the run and finds the urge to jump over, off of, on to, everything. It cracks me up what he finds to jump over.
My husband and myself are incredibly laid back parents. My hubby was raised in a near sterile home, which I fully believe contributed to his allergies and asthma. I grew up in the complete opposite home environment. My mom helped us catch snakes and lizards, encouraged us to love and adore every pet imaginable, kept us outside and helped build our relationships as brother’s and sisters.
My husband and I want for our son to experience childhood, not read about it in a book or watch it on TV. We allow him his morning cartoons and some fun Disney movies when appropriate, we want for him to experience all of childhood.
I love reading your blog and find so much encouragement in your words!
I want the same memories to be part of my son’s future stories.
I too do not have children but was an early childhood educator for thirty years. My teaching style was also “let them learn by doing.” When I would do my tool unit, I would let them handle and use real tools. Yes, even different types of saws. Before I let them loose with them we would talk about how to hold them, what part was sharp etc. And guess what? In all those years and hundreds of students no one was EVER hurt. I also taught my kindergarteners how to use a low temp glue gun. People would walk in my classroom and freak out. I would simply tell them, “they learn very quickly which part is hot.” I only had one student burn herself, but whe was tracing her hand with the glue gun. So I do believe in letting them be kids, but I also would never leave them in a car, besides it is also illegal in the state of Texas and I would never leave them in the front yard unattended. You never know who is in the neighborhood. You should check some of the registered sex offender sites and you would be shocked at how many live within a two mile radius of your home. But each adult has to make their own decision about what they think is right for their children and then live with the consequences. That is where I have problems with society, no one accepting the consequences for their behavior or decisions. Now I will pass the mike to the next soap box contender.
I am that type of protective parent you referr too.
I have always been the type to take my kids into the store to pay for gas,or return a movie.Sure my children have jumped off furniture,but I tell them to stop and they do.
My children have learned to listen to authority,they do not always like it,but there will always be someone to listen too,rather it be a teacher,cop,judge, spouse,a parent there is someone to listen too.
I have found people parent differently, and I don’t judge them,but on the other hand should not have to be judge on the way I parent.
Not only am I that protective parent “helicopter” parent, but my baby girl died in 2008, after being born, so yes I tend to be more protective of my children,afterall they are a gift from God.
I’m sure people will dislike me for not totally agreeing with you,but I just had to put my two cents in on this.Anyways, it’s really up to each parent the way they protect their children your ways is yours,and mine is mine.
I don’t want my children “thinking” they have all the freedom they want, there is a limit to freedom.If children jump off furniture at home what will they do at other people’s homes?
Each parent is to teach their child, not let them run free.
I could go on and on.There are evil people in the world, as there is good in the world.
What’s so wonderful about this whole thing is that we can agree to disagree– something MckMama always says.
I admit I’m probably more overprotective than I should be. I don’t know if it’s because that’s how I was raised or because I have high anxiety, but I worry a lot. Not so much about food off the floor or things like that, but I practically have a panic attack when my daughter (2 yrs) is near water. And I’m always worrying about cancer and stuff, which is beyond my control anyway. I’ve had so many moms tell me to relax but I just CAN”T. I still let her have fun, but I’m on the edge of my seat the entire time. Definitely wish I could find a balance, for both our sakes!
Great post! We do try to parent in a more exploratory way like you describe. They had a blast when we opened up our back gate to a really nasty still canal and helped them catch tadpoles. But all had fun and they learned how slippery the bank is when they watched Daddy go in. Now they are caring for them until they begin to morph when we can release them.
I hear you on the running the video in and leaving the kids in the car. I’ve done similar when I forget my phone or wallet back in the house. What scares me about that is who is watching and who will call and report me. I have learned the hard way that I have even family members that I cannot trust (from other topics though!), so I have decided the kids get to take turns running the video to the drop box when I park near the store.
And the chicken and egg comment, I just had to laugh about that. Yesterday as my 5 yr old son was helping me make waffles, he asked the difference between the egg we eat and the one the chick hatches out of. I never thought cracking eggs into the waffle batter would bring up that topic. So we had a little discussion that was honest and he could understand while cooking breakfast.
Kids can handle a LOT more (mentally and physically) than society thinks they should be allowed to.
I disagree with some of your points. I pulled up to a gas station at one of the busiest intersections in my town. I ran in to get a soda, which took less than two minutes. In that time, someone bashed in my window and stole my purse. Thank God my two young children were not in the car at the time. No one saw the offender or anything happen.
I hear you say that you belive the odds are low that your child will be kidnapped. I say go to this site http://www.missingkids.com which is the National Center for MIssing and Exploited Children, and ask these parents if they ever thought they would fall into the .0005% you speak of.
Good luck to you and your children. My parenting style is different. I do not think I am a “helicopter” parent, but I will never leave my kids unsupervised while they are little. You may not want to believe it, but predators are out there–even in the “Frozen Tundra”. It is often more likely that it is someone you know and not a stranger. I teach my kids stranger danger as well as sexual safety. But, I also teach them that even friends and relatives can make bad choices.
I do agree with you about the predator part. It is usually someone you know well and not a stranger and my family is proof of that. My children are both adults now one married and one in college but the younger one was sexually abused by our best friends. It was the husband that did it but they were like family to us so it goes to prove that you can never be too trusting or think you know someone too well because you really never do.
My retinas are almost bleeding, but I think I can see well enough to still comment
We are of the “letting kids be kids” mentality too. My brother and sister in law are the exact opposite so it’s always interesting when our kids get together. Last week we met them at one of those indoor jumpy places and my two year old climbed the highest one and slid down 12 times before their two year old even got to the second step. She was so scared because they don’t let her do anything. So I’ve seen what the helicopter parenting has done…in living color. My poor little niece and nephew are afraid of everything.
All three of my girls still fall but they have the phrase “I’m ok!” down pat!
My two-year old will not go on any slides or do anything on his own. My one-year old will climb up the biggest slide and try run recklessly in public. It is not always the case that attentive parenting creates a fearful child. It can be an inherent part of the child’s personality.
I am very attentive, while still allowing my kids to play and explore within safe limits. I resent the term helicopter parenting – why the need for a negative term?
What happened to not judging other people’s parenting styles? How is paying attention and creating a safety net for your kids not allowing them to be kids?
I totally agree with you Marisa. My 4 year old loves to explore and play, but we have to force him to try the rides like the big bouncy slides and water slides, once he does he finds he loves them. My 2 year old will try anything without us doing anything to get her to do it, she has no fear. Just a week ago we were on vacation and staying at a hotel that had a pool with a water slide, (it was small enough for my 2 year old to go down by herself, but big enough for the 10 year old that were there to enjoy too). My 2 year old went to it and went down over and over again without hessitation. My 4 year old I had to drag up kick and crying and take him down with me. He said it was fun but I had to drag him up again and pretend that I was going to go down with him and push him down by himself. Finally he liked it and kept doing it.
I am between the attentive parent (like this term much better) and letting them be. Kids need to learn that we are the parents (teachers, adults, etc.) and that it is our job to keep them safe and they need to listen to us, while still being able to be kids.
I am not a “helicopter mom.” My three girls run, dash, play, swim without many restraints. That said, they don’t do it in our house because we have worked hard for what we have and we as parents decided that respect of property was important to us. They have a playset out back and a pool to work out their energy in.
I think the danger here is that while we say we respect other’s right to parent how they see fit, there are many snarky remarks on here that say the exact opposite. It’s not good enough that we parent with confidence, instead we put down other’s choices. The sad thing is you have no idea why they might make those choices.
For our friends with multiple miscarriages, IVF and finally the miracle of birth (the only child they will ever have), who am I to say that they are overprotective. I’m a nurse, I have seen the trampoline injuries, some of them life changing, so no, there are no trampolines allowed for our girls. If you choose to let your children jump on a trampoline, it’s your choice but I am not overprotective because I choose not to.
My husband is a cop. He has done the missing child reports and searched for a little boy who never came home again. He is hyper-vigilant about where they are at all times. They know when Dad leans out the back door and yells, they better answer. We don’t leave our kids in cars alone (illegal here in the state of Georgia) for the same reason. If you choose to do differently, that’s your business but it doesn’t make us overprotective. It’s our choice from our life experience.
I guess that is what bothers me here. It seems that while we say that other’s choices are theirs to make with their children there is a tone in this post of judgement and that makes me sad. It makes me sadder when people state their opinion and are attacked for it and that is allowed to happen.
I TOTALLY agree with Kathleen’s repsonse. While the words that were said in your post, MckMama, are true, I agree that there is a “tone of judgement” that is saddening. Even if the statistic is 0.005% on a child getting kidnapped, you CANNOT speak so lightly of such an occurence. This applies with most every other activity mentioned in your post. If one of your children incurred a serious injury while jumping on a trampoline, I think that you would reconsider your anti-safety-net philosophy.
Like I said, I LOVE this reply to this post (thanks, Kathleen!).
While the choices you make are yours to make and are not to be judged by any of us, the other side of the coin indicates that it is not your place to deem others “overprotective” based on the ways we choose to parent our own children.
I completely agree with Kathleen’s post as well! I have seen a child fall off a trampoline and break an arm. Another fall and break a leg. We are considering getting a trampoline for our three little girls this summer- however it must have a safety net. I do not feel that I am too overprotective because I know the dangers of trampolines. We had a 5 month old little girl abducted from our area two nights ago- the amber alerts were everywhere. It can and does happen and those parents probabaly never thought it would happen to them. Do I let my girls run and play, jump and have fun? Of course. But I also know what they are doing and teach them boundaries. I do not feel this makes me a “helicopter parent.”
I wholeheartedly agree–thanks for saying it so eloquently.
I agree! I have been so bothered lately with the tone of some posts here. It kind of cancels out “to each his own” when you then proceed to give statistics and quotes to prove that your way is the better way. I love Mckmama, but I miss the God glorifying, life- breathing posts. Lately they are lacking grace and humility. I think the point of this post could have been made by simply saying- “My husband and I have prayed and sought God’s wisdom and direction on our parenting style, and this is what we feel led to do.” The end- no statistics, no quotes, no underlying judgement. I miss the posts where we just got to hear about what is going on in life and how God is being glorified through their family.
I agree with MckMama and did not find her post condescending at all!
i never said condescending. i was not being negative. I am just saddened by the change.
I totally agree! Well said.
Agree with you, Jessica, I mean.
Kathleen -I agree with you completely, but even more than that, I admire the respectful manner in which you shared your perspective. It is my opinion also that the post did have a judgemental quality to it, while contradicting the “to each his own” theory.
While I agree with a lot of what Jennifer has to say about her parenting style, I also have to say thank you to Kathleen for giving her opinion and stating her thoughts in such a respectful and mature manner. It makes your words so much more powerful. I’d also like to say, too, that I don’t know that I would use the phrase “helicopter parenting”. It DOES come across as disrespectful. I don’t think it was too long ago that Jennifer was posting about how she doesn’t care for conservative radio these days because their terminology for those whose opinions differ from their own was somewhat degrading and disrespectful. Wouldn’t the phrase “helicopter parenting” fall into this category? Just something to think about.
I think that the fact that Mckmama is not just speaking from her own experience but also from research is something to think about. I’m a teacher and often we talk about “helicopter” parents at work. I think it’s sad to see kids who don’t have the confidence to walk themselves to their locker in the morning. If they can’t feel safe in an elementary school hallway where can they? We all do what we do based on our life experiences but sometimes you have to remove yourself from that and not let it affect your child.
I love the shirt that Stellan has on with the Motorcycle on it.. Where did you get it?
LOVE this post! While I am not a parent (yet), I am an Early Childhood Educator with a Bachelor’s in Child Development, and I have to say that your parenting style mimics my teaching style so much! I love it!
Kudos for you to be able to withstand the heat you may (ahem, will) get on your parenting style, but you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing for your children….and there just happens to be a lot of professional backup for you in case you do feel the need for some reassurance! Rock on Mckmama!
LOVE this post! Letting kids be kids!
First time commenter here. Loving your blog and as a mother of 4 boys under the age of 7, I whole heartedly agree with your opinions in this one!
I do want to chime in on the chicken or the egg questions… It was the chicken. God created everything on Earth in full maturity- plants, man, and animals. Nothing was born, everything was created!
Again, loving your blog…keep it up!
I love that! Never heard it said that way before….
thanks!
Now we know.
LOVE it! I completely agree! I’ve been an early childhood teacher and nanny, and have seen so many kids who don’t know their own abilities or how to handle situations.
When a kid I’m with falls or potentially hurts themselves, if they’re not already crying or clearly injured, I always ask them, “Oh, are you okay?” Instead of asking, “Are you hurt?” I’ve found it makes a big difference in them not being afraid of exploring, falling down and learning.
Thanks for this post!
To me, a big part of the helicopter parenting trend is the illusion of control…we think we are in control and that somehow we can prevent pain and loss from happening in the lives of our children. We cannot, it is better to teach them to deal with pain and loss so that when they encounter it in life, they will have healthy ways of dealing.
Very well said! There isn’t a way we can ultimately protect our children the way we’d “want”…it is an illusion, this trend towards truly “protecting” our children. Yes, very well said!
Loved your thought provoking post. Mostly, I agree with your relaxed parenting style. I don’t worry about a lot of typical kid stuff. My boys are now 13 and 14 and we have had several broken bones over the years (from doing typical things like bike riding and playing ball), but luckily nothing major.
I DEFINITELY insist that they always wear helmets on a bike, as do I (I recently had a bike crash where I cracked my helmet). I didn’t leave them in a car alone when they were little, nor did I let them play outside unsupervised until they were 7 or 8. I cringe at my neighbors who allow a 3 year old to ride a bike in the street while the parents are in the house and give a 5 and 7 year old fireworks and a lighter and allow them to play unsupervised.
I also never allowed jumping on/off furniture. This was not because I was afraid of them getting injured, but because I wanted to teach them to respect our things. If you want to jump off things, you do it in the backyard, on the playground or on something “mom approved”. The majority of my rules on rough housing have been less about safety and more about how we treat other people and our things.
I could have written this paragraph!
I agree! We do not allow jumping off of furniture either. We are trying to teach them to respect belongings and to make them last as long as possible. That’s not being overprotective. That’s common sense.
I agree also. I never allowed my kids to jump on our furniture because they were taught that their father worked very hard for the money to pay for that furniture and treat it as a trampoline would be disrespectful. In the same way I would not let them go to the home of their pastor or teacher and jump on a sofa , I expect the same behavior in our home. Setting such boundaries never hindered my children. They are now grown… ( hey parenting advice from someone who has actually raised children to adulthood..imagine that!) . One child is taking a 17 hr road trip with a friend in several weeks and the other is going to hike the Appalachian Trail in the near future. They are hardly the results of being raised by a helicopter parent but instead by a parent who used common sense.
Going out on a limb here. I think there is a lot of real estate between no rules, do what you want parenting and being too afraid to let your kids experience life parenting.
It appears to me from the post that most of us fall somewhere in between. I think it is clear from Jennifers posts that while she has a laid back approach to parenting, her children do have rules and boundaries. One can be a laid back parent and teach kids to respect and obey…I’ve seen many replies to this blog depicting exactly that.
I also agree that we all bring our life experiences to the way we parent. These are the lessons we have learned from these experiences. I applaud the gal who replied who indicated that she lets her kids explore their world, but is anxious and on the edge of her seat all the time. I wish I could give her a baggie of calm (sometimes I wish I had it for myself), but to recognize your own anxiety’s but not let it rule the way you parent is fantastic I think.
So, I have clearly rambled in this reply…which is typical of my thought process…lol.
Our philosophy as well. If God wants me to be a good steward of my things, allowing children (or adults) to destroy those things is not honoring to God. There are plenty of other things to jump on–some of them designed specifically for jumping!!
In my house we have 1 rule. We choose to raise our children. When my MIL comes over and says “why are the kids jumping on the couch?” I anwser “because I am raising children, not furnitre”. When someone asks “well, doesn’t that huge blow up slide in your back yard kill your grass” “yes, it does, but I am growing my children, not grass” “Why are there no cushions on your couch” “becasue I choose to intrigue my childs mind with a Pirate ship in the house, not intrugue it with a stale living room for guests to sit, if you want to sit, the drivers seat in the pirate ship is open”. While there is definate boundries in my house, furniture is replaceable. My childs childhood is not. As a kid do you not remember the forts, climbing a tree, going outside and seeing if you could be blown away in the wind, and jumping in puddles when its raining outside? When I remember my childhood, these are the things that come to mind.
I’ve had a hard time finding the balance between the two positions that are expressed here in these couple of comments. I want my kids to be kids and explore and jump and play…we’ve said, “we’re raising kids not___” many times too. But at the same time I want my children to learn to be responsible with possessions. We don’t have the money to go out and buy new couches every other month. So while I used to let the kids jump on the couch (or off it), I don’t anymore because the couch was getting ruined and I knew that replacing it would be expensive. I want my kids to understand that the things we have are not “disposable.” We have to care for the things we have. But I struggle every day with what to allow and where to draw the line. It get’s a little fuzzy at times!
To me jumping on the sofa is not dangerous. But it does show a lack of manners and disrespect for ones furniture. My kids are teens now, but I did not tolerate jumping on sofas as I did not want my kids to think this was socially “ok”. If we can do it at home, why can’t we do it at our friends house? It was about social boundaries, not helicopter parenting (which is/was a big term in educational situations).
My kids would jump on their beds occasionally when they thought I was not looking. But mostly they were not daredevils, it was just their personalities to be more “laid back:. I kind of had to encourage them to try new things that went beyond their comfort zone. But jumping on sofas was not one of them. I encouraged them to try the bigger coasters at Disney. I encouraged them to try rock climbing. Some things they liked, some they don’t. It is just their personalities.
I would not encourage them to do something that was “danger waiting to happen” though. I could not put oil all over an asphalt road and tell them to go at it running and sliding. But they did have a slip and slide. I never “invited” danger rather encouraged normal play.
I am glad to see this post especially from someone such as yourself with a wide range of readers because I have so often felt judgment for my parenting skills. Nobody is perfect, everybody is different, that’s what makes the world so great. People don’t understand that. They think b/c we do not allow tv or computers in our kids’ rooms that we are weird and that b/c we do not hover over them that we are not protecting them. And that b/c we are always outdoors that we are setting them up for germs, skin cancer, allergy attacks, etc etc etc. Along w/some other ppl on here, ours are very seldom sick. Always dirty, always ruining clothes due to my lack of stain removal skills, and usually sporting a scrape or bump or bruise somewhere. But I am also just so tired of ppl judging others. Love your post
Great post….I loved it! We differ on a few points, but that’s okay because we are different people. I don’t really worry too much about my kids being taken, but I do worry about people doing other things to them. I let them play and roam outside, but I’m either with them or check on them very frequently. However, we can’t worry about everything or else we would never enjoy our children and they would never enjoy life!
I just wanted to chime in my agreement with your post! I used to be in a playgroup with other moms who were way overprotective and it started driving me nuts! We always met up at a park and the moms spent the entire time wiping hands and saying no to dropped food or telling their kids to put their helmets back on to ride a 3-wheeled scooter on the sidewalk around the playground. At some points, the kids left their helmets on while playing on the playground. I really should have counted the number of antibacterial wipes they went through in two hours…..talk about germaphobes! Don’t get me wrong, they were very nice ladies, but the overparenting was a bit much for me at times. I, on the other hand, was letting my girls run and jump and climb and ride a scooter without a helmet (gasp!) and eating food that dropped on the picnic table! All three of my kids were climbing stairs and going down the highest slides by themselves by 15 or 16 months old. Now, there isn’t a set of monkey bars my 5 year old can’t get across herself. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had other people, often strangers, gasp and try to rush to help my kids while on the playground because they are afraid something is going to happen. I always stop them and say “They are fine. They can do it” as I sit back and watch. They’ve fallen, scraped knees, but they’ve survived. Often, they’ll look at the “injury” bush off the dirt and say “I’m okay!” and go back to playing. I do protect them and try to keep them safe from the big dangers (carseats, looking before crossing the street, etc) but I also want them to be kids!
Mmmmm, thank you for that comment b/c I have had that same situation at the playground w/my two toddlers and totally agree with you!
I love it! I tend to hover when my son is a little to close to a swimming pool or pond,but at playgrounds or parks, I often get looks from other moms when my son falls down and I don’t rush over to him. My approach is to let him decide if his fall is tear worthy or not. If I freak out and rush over to him, of course he is going to freak out and I am just not going to do that to him. Most of the time he falls and stays there for a second and gets right back up to try it again. I have even seen him falls sometimes and thought that it certainly must have hurt and knew he was going to cry,but low and behold he didn’t.
I have shunned most baby proofing products and I try really hard to let him figure things out for himself, even if it means that he might get hurt. No I am not going to let him get hit by a car just so he can learn not to go in the street,but he has fallen off a chair that he has climbed on and cried about it,but the next time he figured out how to get off the chair without hurting himself.
I thought I was going to be one of those ultra protective moms,but once I had him and got to know him, I realized that wasn’t the way to go for us.
It’s law in our state that children MUST wear a helmet until they are 16 if they are using ANYTHING with wheels on it. And yes, people do get tickets here for that. I have seen it happen in our city!
Talk to me when your children are teens and let’s see how that “free range” parenting works out for all of you. Good luck with that.
And Jennifer you tweeted yesterday:
I did NOT just possibly invite drama by what I posted to my blog this morning: (url removed). I’d NEVER do that. Not me!
So yes, you did invite drama. I don’t understand as a Christian why you and your husband post topics that cause division, it is clear in the bible not to do so, but I guess I do understand the more divisive the post the more clicks. I also don’t understand why you and your family recently attended an event where Sara Palin was speaking as you are surely total liberals and Palin is extremely conservative. Are you and your prince closet dems?
Actually as a 7th and 8th grade teacher I can comment otherwise. Helicopter parents seem to do the most damage to their children when they are in their teen years. I’ve literally seen children develop OCD and depression because of how stiffling their parents were to them. Talk about a sad situation. I understand and fully support giving your children boudaries, but children in their teen years NEED to be able to begin making their own decisions. After all, they will not be under Mommy or Daddy’s thumb after the age of 18.
To be honest – you sound a little guilty in your post.
*boundaries – better correct it before the spelling police jump on me.
There is a difference between being way too overprotective and free range. I think what she is saying is that some boundaries are good. You do not have to stifle your children to the point they are not aloud to have fun. You can encourage free play and exploration but still have boundaries set. There is nothing wrong with children having some rules. Afterall, the world is full of rules that they will always have to follow.
KP
You might be teaching 7th and 8th graders, but I sure hope you are not teaching them that bad parenting is the reason behind OCD and depression. You had better do a little research on the subject.
There is also a big difference between helicopter parenting and responsible parenting.
Kelly
Kelly,
I’ve SPOKE with my students about their feelings on the subject and their reaction to their parents – so I can say without any uncertainty that YES the helicopter parenting caused some students to be depressed and have OCD.
And I agree, There is a huge difference between helicopter parents that constantly “speak” for their teens and caring parents. I have students that cannot make simple classroom decisions because Mom and Pops have ordered them their entire lives on what to do and what not to do. When you have a parent that rarely allows a teen to make decisions, how is that teen supposed to develop the skills nesessary to function in a chaotic world? In one simple statement – they cannot. I find it very sad when a child cannot function in the classroom completing simple steps because Mom or Dad isn’t there to look over their shoulder and point out what direction they should take. I’m sure all of the parents of my students have the best of intentions. They want the best for their kids. Unfortunately, their hovering has actually hurt the child. But then again these are the things I have literally seen and heard with my own eyes and ears. I didn’t read them as random facts in a book. I’m sure you can find some research to contradict me and if I had the time I could find research to support my claims.
KP
I don’t have to dig up information. It is a reality that I live with everyday and believe me it has nothing to do with poor parenting or Helicopter parenting.
Kelly
Kelly, I don’t think that KP is saying ALL instances of OCD and depression come from “helicopter parenting. But that for some of her students that has been the case. She wasn’t talking about you, but rather some cases.
I was overparented to the point of depression for sure when I was a teen! I moved out the second I turned 18, and after that was a mess because I had no idea how to take care of myself! I’m 26 now and still rely on my husband for a lot of things.
I agree that she invited drama. But whatever, that’s her perogative and her business.
What is this about “closet dems”?! Are you kidding me? Because you happen to disagree with some of her parenting decisions that means she couldn’t possibly be a Conservative in her political views? Because she does thinks differently than you must mean that she is a, gasp, LIBERAL? Give me a break.
A.S. — my opinion on her being a closet “dem” has nothing to do with this particular post, it is the other posts that I have read and her husband’s post. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a “dem” but don’t try to act like you are following a Repub when your own views are consistent with the other party. In my opinion she and her husband are very liberal, once again nothing wrong with that but don’t try to say that you are something different .
Also, getting back to this particular post, I did not let my children jump off of our furniture as a matter of respect for the things in the house, I would not want them going into anyone’s home and thinking it was okay to do that. My cousins on the other hand were allowed to do just about anything and when they would come to our home and visit on Christmas we would have to hide all of our new toys as they were wild and out of control and would break them. There is a balance in parenting no one is perfect, and I’m not an expert nor do I claim to be but I don’t think it is a good idea to let children have a free for all at home.
I really do feel badly for all of Jennifer’s followers, I mean it almost seems like many are brainwashed and if you disagree with anything she says then you are a target for nasty remarks back. Look it, I have many people that I respect but I’m not blind to their faults nor are they to mine. I am a firm believer in calling a spade a spade.
No offense intended I don’t believe in being sarcastic and mean to people who disagree with what I think. Peace to you..
Erin-
You hinted at something with your brainwashed follower comment that’s been bothering me ever since I discovered the world of “mommy blogs”. I love that MckMama raises her family the way she feels is best. In fact I think it’s because she has made her own rules, so to speak, that she’s had so much success, as a parent and a blogger. However, to most of the others on here, simply doing things the way Jennifer does them does not mean you will have the same success.
For example:
The fact that Jennifer doesn’t cook fancy meals isn’t step 4 of a 10 step program to a happy family.
Or just because she loves being pregnant in the hot summer months doesn’t mean we all have to ditch our plans for spring babies.
Who cares who jumps on couches or uses trampoline nets? Get off the internet and into real life.
Jennifer said it better than I could in the paragraph about keeping up with the Jones. I guess if you wont listen to her I might as well just shut up. To each his own…
Not sure this is the best place to post a comment on this subject but you made me think of it.
Erin, I have no problem with you not letting your kids jump off couches and I have no problem with Jennifer letting her kids do that. I don’t even have kids, so I really have no opinion on that. I was only commenting on the idea that they are “closet dems” or liberals. As a liberal myself, I can say I think they are FAR from it. Have you read Mckdaddy’s post about “silly liberals”? So yeah, I’m not one of her “brainwashed” followers. This is the first time I’ve commented on her blog – sometimes I agree with her, a lot of times I disagree, but I tend to keep it to myself.
My whole point was that you seemed to imply that because she does things differently than you do (and you are presumably a conservative) that she couldn’t possibly also be a conservative. Which is absurd. And then if you label her as a “liberal” it makes it easier for you understand why she might do things differently….because she’s one of “them”. Sorry if this isn’t making sense. It makes sense in my head, but isn’t translating well in my writing. Apologies if I misunderstood your original comment.
I agree that “free range” parenting might not be the best choice, that implies parenting without boundaries or rules. I do not think this is what Jennifer is speaking of. It seems clear to me that her kids have rules, it also seems clear to me that they have involved, engaged parents who allow their kids to explore and take risks with their parents there and available. I guess I could be mistaken, but I don’t think so.
Actually, she is conservative. It’s the liberals who want to nanny us into submission. Someone who’s conservative is for smaller government and the ability to make choices for themselves. That’s exactly what she’s saying about raising her children. And the way that was tweeted is clearly sarcastic to me. And Jennifer is blocking negative comments then why is this one from Erin still here?
There is a great website and book called “Free Range Kids” by Lenore Skenazy. She finds all these ridiculous stories about how we are over protective with our kids. She wrote the book because she let her son ride the subway in New York by himself. She wrote an article about his experience and was shocked at the backlash she received.
Great book!
leaving kids alone in the car, however short the amount of time, is ILLEGAL in the state where i live. i know someone who had the sheriff come knock at their door after leaving their kids in the car for 2-3 minutes. now they have an open CPS case. i also know a family whose 3 year old put the car into gear during one of these 2 minute run-in to the stores, and the car rolled out into traffic. call me a helicopter, but i will never EVER leave my kids in the car. and i doubt it was kid safety you thought of in doing so, rather ease and convenience.
i also dont leave my kids in the car because it is illegal, but mostly because i live in florida and it gets too hot!
I once had a cop waiting at my car for me when I came out of Target, because I left my DOG in the car. So … yeah.
It is also illegal in this state to leave your child in the car under the age of 12.
When my brother was 5, my mom left him in the car for literally a minute while she ran in to pay the babysitter- in that minute he put the car in gear and backed all the way down the street, across another street and into someone’s porch. So yeah, I would not leave them alone.
you are so right….
the more protection the government tries to give to {force on } our children~
the less rights we have as parents.
it’s really scary.
thanks for this thought provoking post.
it’s my first visit here but definitely not my last!
have a wonderful day.
chasity
That information confirms what my husband and I just experienced.
We took 3 of our gkids to our cabin, and it was apparent they have not been out to play much. The 5 year old felt she would fall on the mildest of trails. It was sad. She literally did not know how to walk on a slight grade.
We were stunned.
By the end of the trip they were playing outside, climbing trails and rocks and catching fish and learning to use their imaginations. And their cool cowboy 6 shooters
First, I love when your posts go on… you may feel like you’re having a hard time ending it, but you always continue to make good points! I would say that not only do children need to experience some risk to know in their bodies how to be safe, but also intense movement experiences are essential to brain development. As we learn more about “sensory integration” and how it relates to young children, the more I think we should reassess our priorities with young children and how they spend their time.
I have been a preschool teacher for 18 years, and we do feel that children can try many things physically with adults nearby to reduce some of the danger without constantly policing their every move! Our motto is, what did you (the teacher) do/enjoy as a child, and how can we do more of that with our kids, many of whom are spending almost all of their time in group care, time that used to be spent running around the neighborhood, which kids aren’t allowed to do anymore.
In all these years, we have had 2 injuries: both broken arms, both from falling off of playground structures that are supposedly “safe” as can be! Do we not allow playground structures anymore? No, we let kids learn how to keep themselves safe, through repeated opportunities to move in ALL kinds of ways as much as possible!
I love your posts and love that you let your kids be kids. There are too many parents that want to put their kids in bubbles and never let them grow up or become independent. My best times that I remember as kids were usually doing something ‘rough and tumble’ and me nor either of my brothers ever had a broke bone (although when your brother throws a potato up in the air, don’t look up or you will get two black eyes…..I learned that the hard way).
I agree, wholeheartedly as a pre-school teacher and a Mom of two boys. Stunting their development emotionally and physically is hugely counter productive when parenting. I encourage the parents of my students to let them explore AND to get dirty and not react. Play is the way they learn about their world and themselves.
I remember telling my boys one afternoon to get off the top of the jungle gym at the park because they were scaring some other mothers. I am all for safety, certainly, that’s only logical but I certainly agree with you that it helps them develop greater confidence in their abilities.
I only hesitate to leave my child in the car while paying for gas because I’m afraid another parent will see me do it and cause a big scene! Is that sad or what? I would never put my child in danger, but that always crosses my mind when I dash into the gas station (while watching the locked vehicle with my child in it). Of course, I try to avoid the possibilities of me needing to go into stations to pay, but sometimes diesel is not offered pay at the pump!
My daughter is almost 18 months…while I cannot let her play out by herself b/c of a county road that sits just feet in front of our house….when we do go out, I do not follow her every step. I go about my business gardening, working in flower beds, etc…keeping watch on her where-abouts, but I let her be a kid and explore. Whether that be the cat’s food bowl, my husbands old machinery sitting around, mud/water puddles, etc….she knows her limits, or quickly learns them!
Yes, this is my approach as well. It’s important to have the right balance for your family. My son is 18 months old. Today we went to an outdoor mall with lots of fun stuff for kids to do. I watched him closely the whole time, but I didn’t hover in the least. I let him climb and fall and jump and run and explore, all on his own. I think it’s so important that he learns his own boundaries, but also knows that I’m always there to help him when he needs it. And I am very authoritative about some things, for instance, when it was time to leave, it was time to leave! That sort of decision is up to me, not him. He is learning that Mommy is in charge and he must do as I say. He’s very good about that, much better than most children I’ve witnessed his age. I think it’s because i do let him have a lot of fun and independence, and he knows (on some level) that if I tell him to do or not do something, I have a good reason for it. That’s something he’ll understand more as he gets older of course, but it has to start from the beginning.
We went to a BBQ at my grandma’s house this evening. I was drinking Sprite and he wanted some. He doesn’t get to drink soda, well my grandma was upset “He wants some! Let him have it honey! Why can’t he drink it?”. And later on, there were cookies for dessert and I let him have one. Only one. He finished it and wanted more and I said no. My mother and grandmother were both saying “well if you don’t want him to have it don’t leave them there (the platter that was out for everyone to share).” i said no, he needs to learn that he doesn’t get to have everything he wants just because he can see it. I stood my ground and he did not have a second cookie, and guess what? He stopped whining about it. There was a lot of talk amongst the adults and eventually my grand a said “Well, I wish I had known about that when I had my children!” haha, apparently she didn’t know she could say no! I’m so glad that I stuck to what I knew was right for MY son. And that he proved it right in front of them! Maybe that will help them realize that I have a clue what I’m doing!
So my point is, he has plenty of freedom. I’m not a helicopter parent. He does things many 4 year olds can’t do. But his freedom doesn’t come at the price of him knowing who’s in charge. It is possible to teach manners and etiquette while allowing them to be kids. It’s just a balance we all need to figure out for ourselves.
amazing post!!! just love your philosophy…. it’s pretty much the same as my plans for the parenting – you know, some day in future when I’ll have kiddos of my own
This is great…thanks for your thoughts. I overall very much agree with you. Although, as you would know, having kids back to back to back can cause a little more freak-outs. Nuggey jumped off the chair arm, Stellan off the chair (a more sturdy place age-appropriate for him). Tapestry (2 and unsturdy) would be trying to jump off the arm like her big bro. She hits her head multiple times a week. She’s twisted her ankle twice already. She is our wild child (like her Mommy…;)). She also almost drowned one day while I was photographing her and her brother in a community pool, which drowing is my top freak out area. We are a tad more cautious with her, but learning to let go more.
Abduction doesn’t freak me out, I guess it does seem so unlikely to me, but those top ways children die (like drowning) do freak me out…but I do not want to be controlled by fear.
As I said in the NMM post – sometimes kids get hurt! And that’s ok. It’s scary and sometimes tragic, but you’re right, we can’t protect them from everything. I think one thing you probably embrace, but haven’t specifically said, is that it should be our goal as parents to raise INDEPENDENT children who can grow into INDEPENDENT adults.
I’m a new mom, and I can so easily understand the fears and desires to keep kids super safe. But I loved being rough and tumble with my brothers and I learned how to evaluate dangerous situations of all types, how to trust my intuition, and how to make good choices.
I agree 110%. Thank you for those statistics too.
I’m laughing about your ending. I get the same way. I write a post and just can’t seem to bring it to a close. It might take me ten minutes to do the whole post but a half hour to decide how to end it.
Good points though. I’ve always been more concerned with my children’s spiritual safety and protecting them from harmful exposure to their eyes, ears and minds. Although, I am becoming even more relaxed with their physical safety thanks to your inspiration.
That’s about all I have to say about that at the moment.
I could not agree with you more!!!! Parents are WAY too overprotective these days! I have done exactly as you have and left the kids in the car to run into the post office when it was POURING rain, I let my daughter ride in the front seat of the car (shes 7) from the front of our neighborhood to our house, I let her play in the fenced in backyard all alone, etc. I have neighbors who have a fenced in backyard and they will not let their kids out there without an adult, they are not allowed to drink from the waterhose, and they are not allowed to eat something dropped on the floor, those kids are always sick and allergic to everything! I applaud your post and wish more parents were like you!!!!
Hmm, I agree with you on a lot of what you said. I’ve never freaked out when one of my girls picked up a fruit snack that had been dropped on the floor and continued to eat it, my oldest took a paci and I didn’t run to rinse it off every time it fell out of her mouth. I have said since I became a parent that if I protected her from every germ, she would spend her grade school years getting sick every other week.
I also let them play on park equipment and figure out themselves how to get to the top. I don’t freak if they pick up a bug or get their hands filthy and touch their face. The way I see it, I have 1453343 other things to worry about, I’m not going to sweat a little bit of dirt.
But when it comes to the kidnapping issue, I’m a complete spaz. I am so terrified of it that even when I know it would be perfectly safe to run in the gas station and throw my money on the counter all while keeping my eye on the car, I just cannot do it. I just recently started letting Brookelyn play on the porch by herself, and it still scares the wits out of me. I’m trying to ease up on that… but I’m having a real hard time.
Good post, lots of good points.
The kidnapping issue frightens me, too… as does the possibility of abuse.
When I was twelve and vacationing in Madrid with one of those “student ambassador” groups, a skeevy man grabbed me and attempted to drag me into an alley. Fortunately, I made a scene and he loosened his grip enough for me to get away and take off. (We were chaperoned, but the chaperones were distracted when he made his move, and it happened so fast that if I hadn’t started yelling, I would have been long gone before anyone had any idea that I was missing.) Stuff happens.
I’ve also known far too many people who were subjected to sexual abuse as kids. I’m significantly older than my brother, and often got stuck watching him when we were younger. One summer, when he was seven, a young neighbor began molesting little boys. My brother was one of the two spared, because I was vigilant, and he was not permitted to run free as many of his friends did. I was pretty strict when it came to knowing where he was, who he was with, and what they were doing at all times. There were some places he was absolutely not allowed to go (like the drainage pond- he was a lousy swimmer, and the abuser’s backyard “fort”- it made me uneasy). I expected him to check in with me, and I checked up on him. Often unannounced, moreso if I caught him being dishonest. He found it a little embarrassing at the time, but, in the end, he was grateful for it.
I’m all for giving kids freedom and encouraging them to be active, adventurous, and confident. I was a scrappy little tomboy back in the day, and (much to the chagrin of my overprotective mother) quite the daredevil, and I have the scars to prove it. I’m not bothered when I see kids running, jumping, climbing or hanging from things. I could care less if my as-of-yet hypothetical kids catch bugs, eat dirt, and come home covered in mud. I don’t wince at the sight of small children speeding down steep hills on bicycles, skateboards, and scooters (with appropriate protection). I’d much rather see my kids doing that stuff instead of parking themselves in front of a game system 24/7. We will own a trampoline (though probably more for my benefit than theirs), and I’d love to have a backyard pool (though I’ll be a stickler about when and how both are used). I’m not afraid of skinned knees or chipped teeth. That said, I draw the line when we’re talking about situations where a child could be seriously injured (or worse). Nobody expects that their child will fall victim to a serious accident or crime, and the odds may be astronomically small… but statistics are of little comfort when your child is part of that 0.000051%. Especially if you’re left with the feeling that it might have been preventable. Clearly, overprotection has its drawbacks… but I think it’s important not to become so fearful of overprotecting our kids that we fail to protect them when they genuinely need it. It’s definitely a delicate balancing act.
Personally, I plan to be sneaky about things when my kids-to-be are little. I intend to encourage the neighborhood kids to view our house as the fun place to hang out so that hopefully, I won’t have to spend too much time worrying about where my kids are and what they’re up to. Then, I can just be quietly and unobtrusively nosy. Bwahaha.
It seems as if you have spoken for so many of us. I actually teared up, because I felt like “oh my goodness, someone out there does feel the way I do!”
What does helicopter parenting accomplish? Making a kid feel like their parent has to make decisions for them. And I am fairly certain that none of us want to be making decisions for our kids when they are 40. 
My husband and I have been parents for a while, and we were young when we started having children. Now, our friends are just now having babies, and we see this “nanny state” parenting all of the time. Frankly, it is annoying, and I think a bit narcissistic and indulgent (not to the child, but the parent)? I love my children, and I want them to feel independent and confident in their abilities to do *anything* that is legal and moral.
I applaud your parenting philosophy! Much the same as mine many years ago. The important thing is that children know they must fit into the world rather than the world fitting to them. The sooner they learn this, the better off they (and the world) are. Jumping is good (well, not off a 7th floor balcony) and germs can be healthy. As long as they don’t infringe on the comfort of others, let them explore.
Best,
Bonnie
I agree that people shouldn’t smother their kids with protection their whole lives. However, when you put water on a trampoline and create an extremely slick surface, I don’t think its over-protective to put up a net before you allow your toddlers to jump on it. Children have actually broken their necks falling off a trampoline, and the net doesn’t inhibit their play at all.
As far as jumping on furniture goes, I don’t forbid my children to jump on the furniture because of safety issues. I forbid it because we paid money for that stuff, and I want them to learn to respect belongings and understand the value of a dollar. Do your kids understand that they’re not to jump on the furniture at other people’s homes? I have many things in my backyard that my kids can jump on and off and play with.
I also find it ironic that you talk about not protecting your kids from the world so they can learn, but you’ve moved them out to the middle of nowhere and you’re homeschooling them to teach them a specific set of values. They would learn more about the world in a public school than they learn from jumping on hay bales.
Are you seriously taking issue with people living in the country? Are people who live in the country all “hiding from the world?”
As far as the couch issue, obedient kids have no problem understand that sometimes mom or dad can give them permission to do fun and exciting things, (like jumping off of the couch onto cushions or on a wet trampoline), but that these same things by default not okay. So unless mom or dad says its okay, then its just not. By default it is not okay to jump off of couches, like at your neighbors house, but when mom says it okay for something fun at home, yes!
It seems you might be confusing the terms “the world” and “their world.” All parents make choices about the environment that their children get to have as “their world.” If they will live in the country, town or big city. If they, as a family, will participate in a religious community or not, etc.
For small children (or MSC) having the freedom to explore “their world” as safely constructed by their parents, is scientifically proven to be developmentally critical. Having freedom to explore “the world,” which for me implies a lack of purposeful boundaries, is poor parenting.
I grew up in the country, was home-schooled, and have taught in public and private schools. In my experience, in any setting, one of the biggest factors for healthy, happy, well adjusted and safe kids is more parent involvement in shaping a “their world” where kids can feel safe and free to live that protects them from the true dangers of “the world.”
I agree that they might learn more about the world in a public or private school, but I was home schooled from 4th grade until I graduated from high school. Doing so allowed me to have a job at the age of 15, start college when I was 16, and graduate from college a full year early. I was still an active kid: I was very involved in my church and I had a lot of friends from my umbrella school. My parents in no way sheltered me. So it is possible to learn street smarts the same time you’re learning book smarts.
I’ve heard from every person I know that went to a public middle and high school the last few years and told me that it was the worst time of their lives. If you’re not in the “in” crowd, you’re nothing, according to a lot of the kids in public schools. People get bullied everyday and are diagnosed as depressed because of the horrible things that kids do to each other. Have you heard the news story over the past few months of a girl named Phoebe Prince? She was bullied everyday at school and committed suicide because she couldn’t handle that.
I would never put my kids through public school, and my husband agrees. They can learn as much about the world as the would in public school as they will being home schooled.
The “real world” is NOT public school. Give me a break! Homeschooled kids are learning more about the “real world” everyday than any kid in public school! The real world is not just about standing in lines, raising your hand, and sitting in class. It’s about exploring and learning and playing as kids!
i agree Nicole!!!!
well said. agree completely!
Can we please not make this a home school vs. public school argument? I am so sick of each being vilified. They both have pro’s and con’s. My kids are in public school and I am sick to death of my and them being judged for it. I’m sure home schooling parents are equally sick of the judgements and presumptions made about them.
Kids are like my chickens…free range.
They are surrounded by a fence (limits) but within those fences I let them roam and learn and get hurt…and gasp…eat dirt! Kim
Like it!
I think that wanting to protect your child is natural. I agree that everyone should parent in a way that works for their family and kids should be kids. I also believe in self control. Our children are not allowed to jump off of furniture because furiture is not a jungle gym. There are proper times and proper places for all of that self learning. The living room (or the living room of friends and family) is not one of those places. I believe that self control is something that is seriously lacking in our society. I am not going to let my children do whatever they want whenever they want for the sake of learning. They need to be respectful and learn the value and benefit of self control and deferred gratification.
Agreed. 100%.
I think things also change when you lose a kid. TRUST me.
Amen!! I totally agree! I love letting my kids be kids! I was a fearful child and never want my children to live in fear! Thanks for sharing!
Just last night I was playing in a softball game and one of my teammates started freaking out and said, “Who’s son is that on top of the monkey bars???!” I looked over and said, “Oh it’s mine… He’s fine! He does it all the time.” I get it a lot too from other moms. I get tempted momentarily to think that I should be more protective, but then I look at the other kids who never get to have any fun and remind myself of the very points you have just brought up. I 100% agree with you. Good job for letting them live their little lives while still setting boundaries and requiring obedience the way I know you do. They’ll thank you for it someday.
That said, I think it was one of the more recent Olympics where that snowboarder had a mom like that that made her son only go backwards down the hill because forwards he was too fast and dangerous. That lead to him being REALLY good both ways and ended up in the Olympics (maybe even won the medal idk) LOL!
I have parented this way for 20 years. I allowed myself to feel badly through others criticism more than once, but it didn’t change my parenting style. My kids were the ones in the TOPS of the tree while the other kids weren’t even allowed to climb.
I did always make my children were their helmets while riding their bikes. They were commended more than once by receiving coupons for free ice cream from the local police.
When my oldest got older, he often didn’t wear his helmet, so when he went away to college, I insisted he get a new helmet to wear while riding. (He would ride miles and miles at a time by then) The irony to my “protection” — he was hit by a drunk driver while riding near his college and killed 21 mo ago. He was wearing his helmet.
I always said my kids were safer cause they weren’t doing things behind my back. Only one broken bone in 20 years and 8 kids, so far–one broken finger in wrestling–an ORGANIZED sport. Ha!
I’m so sorry for your lose, but glad that you’ve raised your children well.
Very interesting. Thanks for this post!!!
I have a saying I tell my three-year old. “A little dirt never hurt” I COMLETELY agree with this post. I usually just lurk and don’t comment, but this hit home with me.
What I find interesting is to watch a ‘culture clash’ – say at the local playground. You have a group of kids who are raised free range and along comes the poor child with the helicopter mom. That kid doesn’t stand a chance unless someone distracts mom long enough for him to actually (gasp) get dirty!
Seems like usually the kids are willing to show that child the way – but mom thinks those ‘other’ kids are not suitable playmates!
But at least her child has clean fingernails and polished shoes!
I am not sure what you think you are accomplishing by putting down someone else for their parenting styles. We are all individuals and should be allowed to parent as we see fit. I liked this post but this comment is just picking on helicopter moms. Moms get enough flack from each other as it is. Let us all be nice…no matter what way we think is best.
Totally agree! I think exploring and unstructured play, is one of the most important things for a child. I subscribe to your parenting style!
I’m a new parent – my daughter is almost 10 months old – and I’m discovering that I’m not in the norm with a lot of parenting out there. I also admit that I could fall prey to overprotecting my children. I do let my daughter fall and when she cries, I don’t run to her. I try to not let her see my hesitation when she bumps her head or busts her chin. She’s a daredevil already and I can see I have my work cut out for me. I’ve also learned that a spotless house isn’t going to happen and that I shouldn’t worry too much over it. When I looked over and saw her eat something – probably a stray cheerio – off the floor I did check her mouth but when the mystery item wasn’t there anymore and she was still breathing, I figured it wasn’t worth worrying about. A nurse friend of mine said it’s actually a good thing and will build her immune system – and she was totally serious. She just gave me good reason to not clean my house! hahaha!
I’ve also noticed a trend in parenting that bothers me: not telling your child “no.” An alternative is used, “Not for [insert child's name]” or “off limits!” Well, I think it’s hogwash. I’m the parent and my children will learn no. I believe in alternatives – giving my child another toy instead of my cell phone – but they will learn that no means no. Our world has become wishy washy and parenting has followed suit.
The more you tell your daughter “no”, the more you are going to hear the word when she can talk! I like the positive approach of telling my children what they can have or what I like them to do vs focusing on the negative and the no and what they can’t have or do. I don’t think I am doing any disservice to my children.
And exactly how is this concept of always redirecting your child to something positive preparing them for and anything like the real world? I work with children once a week and I’m seeing the consequence of this parenting philosophy. While I do NOT feel the focus needs to constantly be on the negative which ultimately squashes their spirit, children need to learn no. And that no means no. Ask a police officer if he thinks this philosophy is helping children learn to be responsible adults. Its not only ok, but necessary for parents to set boundaries and enforce them.
Well, in the “real world,” people do need to use diplomacy and politeness when interacting with others. For example, if a customer asks a retail clerk if she stocks a particular brand, she can’t just answer, “NO!” She would say something like, “I’m sorry we don’t have the X that you are looking for but we do have Y and Z. Maybe one of these would work for you?”
I can appreciate what you are trying to say, but please help me understand what is wrong with telling your children, “no?” Again, I repeat that I do not promote a constant negative tone, but find it helpful for a child to learn no at a young age. The Bible is infiltrated with God telling us, no and if we agree that this is the ultimate in authority, the younger our children learn and obey this concept , the better. Likewise, we live in a world with rules. And disregarding them, gets you a consequence. No is part of life.
I think the word “no” certainly has its place and is important. I was just commenting that re-directing and using positive reinforcement can also help to prepare children for the “real world,” whatever that means.
I completely agree with your approach to letting kids be kids. I’ve always loved seeing my kids discover their natural environment, be it water, sand, mud, grass. Kids dry out and dirt washes off. One question I have for you is how you handle your children’s interest, Nuggey especially, in all things “creepy crawly.” We’ve recently had mice and snakes (no more mice) in our garden and our kids are fascinated by them. I, on the other hand, am not. I’m completely and utterly disgusted by them and more than a little afraid. However, I don’t want my children to have that same fear or dislike for them. The problem is I just can’t allow my children to get close (or even remotely close) because I start imagining all of the ways I’m going to have to rescue them from the snake or spider or…and I just can’t do it. Any tips on how you overcame any aversions to those creepy crawlies?
Awesome post! Parents that hover make me a bit nuts and in the end, kids can still get hurt. I have close friends who are MAJOR helicopter parents but, their son still broke his arm. I keep my girls from doing anything DANGEROUS biy other than that, I let them play. I also let them argue and try to work things out themselves. I am sure there are people out there who think we are slackers as parentsa but my kids are happy and well adjusted and that’s all that matters to me!
oh my word! lol This is exactly how I am with my children. I must say that I am much better than my husband about letting them do things. Like come flying down the driveway at mach speeds and skid the tires sideways (with a helmet) my husband freaks. I let them play with sticks. My husband does not. lol i let them climb on top of the monkey bars at the park. My husband does not. oh man, hehe. I do think it helps them be more confident, and they are not afraid to try new things, whether they succeed or fail!
I so totally agree! We have 3 kids who never say they are bored and it isn’t because I entertain them all day! They play in the woods and make movies and play house. My 13 year old would actually prefer to be in the woods than on the computer!! We are careful to only allow one organized sport a season (no elite club sports, local youth sport teams only) This is counter to the trend in our community but I see my kids not growing up too fast and they are creative and they don’t need a dvd player to entertain them in the car
They are also not tied to a cell phone. We managed to roam the neighbor hood and make it home without being in constant contact so I think they will be fine! I know that will not be a popular decision with my daughter in a couple of years but oh well. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!
thank you, I am a protective parent when it comes to other peoples houses or hanging out with strangers but i want them to learn to run and jump and play and be kids. I think we are raising a generation of little adults or children who are scare to try new things.
I have been reading here a while and have never commented…and I have been thinking hard about exactly what to say on here. I started reading when Stellan was sick, and prayed for him, and became interested in you and your family through that process. I enjoy reading your blog- even when I don’t agree with you and I do think it is awful how some people choose to respond to you. But lately- the tone of your posts have changed. I totally agree with you that this is your blog, your opinions, and your chance to have a platform about certain things and while I would never ask that you water things down or not say what you believe-the manner in which you are doing them have really stopped reflecting Jesus to me, and that makes me really sad. I want to and will continue reading here because I enjoy knowing what is going on with your family- I am just praying that I can start feeling a little more like God is being glorified here like I felt in the past.
I agree with you I think that Mckmama’s most recent blogs tend to be very reactive and I hate to say a bit snarky. It seems that she may be reading what other people are saying about her and reacting or trying to defend herself. I am a college administrator and I have definitely seen my share of helicopter parents however I think that not setting limits for children is even worse and they have no clue how to discipline themselves and do college level work. These students who did not have limits are often the drug and alcohol abusers.
Do I think it is appropriate for children to run, jump be rambunctious? Absolutely! Do I think that living room furniture is the appropriate place? NO. And a trampoline with out a net is just asking for trouble. Does your home owners insurance know about this. I am aware of people’s insurance being canceled because of trampoline injuries.
I think your Christian testimony has suffered lately. Remember Christ tells us to turn the other cheek, he also says blessed are the meek. I do not see either of these things in your blog lately.
EXCELLENT post! I have enjoyed every one of your posts showing your children engaging in “risky” behavior. You are correct, kids need to be allowed to be kids. And, while no one wants to see their children in pain; bumps, bruises, and broken bones are a part of childhood.
To those who fear their children getting hurt I have a piece of advice. Go take a first aid and CPR class. Better yet, find and EMT-Basic class. There is nothing more empowering than knowing exactly what to do if your child does take a hard landing off a picnic table. I have found that as a Paramedic I do not stress out as children enjoy life simply because I know what to do if they get hurt.
Oh, and even though I’m not a huge fan of trampolines – guess what I have never treated. An injury from a trampoline.
I’m not gonna lie, I thought that jumping off picnic tables sounded dangerous.
Until a childhood memory resurfaced of a play structure about 2-3 times higher than picnic tables and the joy I felt in leaping off the top.
Careful taking them to a playground… walking across the top of monkey bars is fun. Across the top of swinging monkey bars? Well…. let’s just say thank god my parents never blogged about it cause they would’ve gotten a lot of grief!!
Our boys work hard, play hard, eat like college men and laugh 24/7. The last thing this world needs is more girly-boys and lazy men. We decided from the moment God lead my husband to adopt these little guys that they would be useful members of society. When I read your blog and look at the pictures, it’s like watching my own children. My boys do the exact same things. Our living room has nothing on the walls except for some homeschool posters (letters, numbers, shapes, colors) because we have a trampoline, a slide, a tent, a tunnel, and a basketball hoop… in the living room. Boys are not houseplants. They need to MOVE. We provided them with things they are can use to burn off energy and we don’t have to worry (too much) about them jumping off peoples couches or climbing over pews at church (although they do squirm away once in a while)
I totally agree with everything you said!! I have just never been one to hover over my kids on the playground, or anywhere else for that matter. They NEED to learn to climb, to take risks, and even to fall. I’ve always thought that the healthiest kids are the ones who come home with scrapes and bruises. They have learned how to play, and they learn what they can and can’t handle. They even learn how to respond when they do hurt themselves. Kids won’t always have parents around… at school, camp, grandparent’s houses, etc… and they need to know how to think for themselves and how to pick themselves back up when they fall. I am a big promoter of kids solving problems themselves, and it’s likely that hovering parents don’t really let this happen. Thanks for all your insight, MckMama! I can tell that you are a wonderful mother.
Hear, hear! I am currently expecting my first, and I am horrified at how much “acceptable” parenting has changed over the years. I will NOT be a helicopter parent, and I WILL encourage my kids to go explore the world, make mistakes (and learn from them), and even get hurt.
I strongly encourage you to check out http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
Oooh yes! I was going to recommend Free Range Kids as well. Love that site.
Laissez Faire translated means… letting the people do as they choose. I wonder how that method will work when your children are 13, 16, 17 ect. Helicopter parenting was first written about when discussing parents who are constantly calling the teacher or are picking out the child’s college roommate. I dont think by taking my child into the movie store instead of leaving them in the car I was ever a helicopter parent and I can guarantee you that even though we didnt let them jump from one piece of furniture to the other they still didnt go out in the dark of the night to look for something to jump off of. I totally agree that we all parent in our own ways and we often do not know if those ways worked or not until our children are grown.
I don’t think she meant that if you don’t let your kids do the same specific activities, then you’re overprotective. I think she was just talking about an attitude or a philosophy.
Good point. I agree with you but have to admit that it is hard sometimes to watch them do something I think is maybe not so great but I do agree it is better to do it with you watching than behind your back. Good thoughts thanks for sharing! And amazingly no broken bones yet either! Yay!
you summed up my own thoughts so well. this has always been our parenting philosophy. our older son runs, jumps and plays as “dangerously” as he feels his body can handle under our supervision, and his only major injury came from slipping while climbing into a chair (a perfectly harmless activity, but he slipped and his tooth went through his lip. stitches and tears and forgot about it).
i also have always thought (with no tangible evidence) that kids are better off being allowed to explore the world without being followed by an anxious parent with a gallon-sized bottle of purell. if they are not exposed to the fairly harmless germs, how will their body know what to do when something real comes along?
this is the first time i’ve ever felt like an over protective parent!
I am NOT a helecoptor parent. If we go to the park, I sit on the bench and watch what happens, but I have never had to say “stop doing that, it’s dangerous” Right now I don’t have a toddler to follow around. One year olds are a different story at the park, they don’t have the ability to understand what their bodies can or can’t do. But I let them find out, staying close, but only stepping in when needed. But once they are able to navigate the playground equipment (usually around 18-20 months for my kids) I step back and let them do their thing!
The one thing that I will say is that if I had a trampoline, I would have a net on it. For my own peace-of-mind.
Also, I am very very catious when it comes to carseat safety. Extended rear-facing, extended harnessing (my 5yo does not ride in a booster yet, still in a harness.) Because NOT being extra cautious has no benefit for the kids. Only for the parents, either because of cost of extended-harness seats, or the convinence of forward-facing an older baby too soon.
Im a mom to five kids (four of which I parent) and I have always parented this way. There are times when manners should ensue but for the most part I have lots of people telling me that my kids shouldnt jump off the couches because its “bad manners.” Sheesh! Of course I teach them that they can not do it at other peoples houses. I think children are very capable of learning separate rules for different places. I have hit brick walls though when it comes to other parents. Despite all that, I love my kids care free happy lifestyle. They dont feel over imposed by me and they feel comfortable in our home and I like that.
Well Said Jennifer!
Well Said Jennifer!
This is how we parent as well. CLOSE supervision, but letting them be kids at the same time. I let them wrestle, jump, and explore their world all while watching to make sure things don’t get too out of hand (as they usually do when kids are involved!). Setting limits is required with some kids as I have seen with kids in a previous neighborhood (ie. jumping off the porch one moment and jumping off the roof the next is just not a good progression in my opinion!).
While we don’t allow them to jump off the couch or kitchen counter, mostly because we don’t want to have to replace said furniture, we give them other things they can jump off of.
There are always going to be other parents who don’t agree with you…the internet just introduces you to even more of them than you would encounter in your own area! I think some of it is differences in parenting and some of the criticizm you, personally, encounter is because of something more. Is it right? Probably not. But, such is life when you put yourself “out there.”
Great post. Although I probably tend to be a bit more overprotective that I want to be – I have to agree that we should all parent the way WE best see fit. I guarantee there are posts on my blog that people would frown on- but it’s my life. Not anyone else’s. Congrats to you for livin’ your life.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Amen! I am not a mother…rather, a 23 year old new teacher. That said, all 3 of us girls in my family struggle with anxiety issues because we never learned coping skills. We never learned coping skills because my parents constantly kept our lives safe, secure, and predictable out of their own well-meaning intentions. Enter the not safe, not secure, and not predictable world of adulthood, and all three of us have struggled immensely with fear, worry, hypochondria etc. Give your kids room to risk and let them realize that although sometimes they will fall, most of the time they’ll be just fine!
I’m sure the negative nellies will have a field day with this but I think you are spot on…I try to let my 4 kids do as much of anything that they want to do (within reason) Kids need to be kids…
I have read your post, I have read the comments… and for the most part I agree… but… I am pretty much polar opposite you in the political side of life… I am liberal…but a Christian Liberal…lol… I am also the mom of GIRLS… and I work out of home… gasp…I am a teacher… okay my point.. My girls were not ever over parented…they were sent out in the big bad world… exploring everything from worms to the sun and every thing in between. The two oldest turned out fine and were never abducted…they are adults… for the most part…my youngest the same thing…she is not over scheduled and she rides her bike everywhere possible…I am not afraid of people…I embrace them…wet trampolined phooey!
On the side note… I did have a girlfriend growing up that was abducted… it was scary… and she was about to be sexually hurt…but she got away…today she is a mom to twins and even a grandma… so the it can happen… you have to teach them to be wise…
I appreciated these sentiments. Many times, parents have questioned whether it was safe for me to allow my blind son to ride his bike downhill or go rock climbing. We’ve let him climb trees and run through parks. The thing is, he learns what to do if he falls down or runs in to something. His balance is now wonderful, he has terrific spatial awareness, and this is all because we haven’t coddled him.
Great post!
I too agree that kids need to be able to learn from their mistakes. That’s not to say let them learn to look both ways before crossing the street by getting by a car… there are limits. Let kids eat dirt every now and then. It’s good for them. So is learning how to safely jump / play / run around. Otherwise the first time they lose their balance while walking outside, chances are they’re going to get hurt because they aren’t as aware of their bodies.
6. Breastfeeding babies need extra vitamin D.
Not true! Except in extraordinary circumstances (for example, if the mother herself was vitamin D deficient during the pregnancy). The baby stores vitamin D during the pregnancy, and a little outside exposure, on a regular basis, gives the baby all the vitamin D he needs.
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/news/pages/Vitamin-D-Supplementation-for-Infants.aspx
This is a new recommendation by the AAP this year. As a medical practitioner, we have applied this to our practice guidelines.
I like this post. I have a 2-1/2 year old boy who is wild to the core and I just have to go with the flow sometimes. He can successfully land from jumping off things 3 to 4 feet high! He’ll jump over the last three steps going into the basement. He can pull himself up with his arms onto the back of a couch that is four feet high. That’s just how he is. I do caution him to be careful and watch him closely but I wouldn’t dare forbid him to be a child and do things that he truly loves. I would be telling him no all day long.
I do think that young children need to be watched constantly and closely, though. I’m glad you added the bath water scenario because a week and a half ago a 3-1/2 year old boy drowned in his swimming pool down the street from us. He had been out front with his parents and it was time to go in for a nap but he wanted to swim. They had told him after his nap so he went inside and apparently straight through the house out the back door to the pool. He pulled himself up into with his arms and fell in and drowned. The parents didn’t leave a ladder up so that he couldn’t just climb right in. They always had a life jacket on him when he was in the water. They took some precautions but not all of them and they lost their little boy. My heart just breaks for these parents, but it has caused me to make sure I know what my son is doing and where he is 100% of his waking hours because 95% just won’t cut it sometimes.
I think it’s important that their is a balance, though.
I’ll just using the trampoline thing as an example.
Kids play. and Kids fall. You can’t stop them from falling on the trampoline. Unless you don’t let them have a trampoline at all, of course. But you can make sure they don’t fall off the trampoline and cause serious injury by putting up a net.
There is definitely a happy medium here. One that is very important to mention when you have impressionable women reading your public blog. You can let your kids be kids, and still make sure they are safe.
I mean there. I miss the edit comment feature!
Iv’e been reading through the comments and FINALLY found one that makes sense because up to now, to me, everyone has been living in ‘I’m ten foot tall and bullet proof’ mode.
Here’s the deal: it’s all okay and fine until someone gets hurt while doing something kid like while you stand by and watch. And then it’s not quite so okay. It’s not okay to watch your child jump on a trampoline that is wet so they can slide on it and not have a net.
It’s just not.
After burying a child I can honestly say that I will keep my children safe anyway I can because I know all too well that I’m not bullet proof and ten feet tall.
I agree about balance! Reading through the comments that was what really rang out to me. There has to be a balance. As a parent it’s your right to judge a situation and decide what’s best for your children, and sometimes we make mistakes on that front too!
Up until recently, I would leave my kids buckled in the car while I dropped something off at the post office. They’d never gotten into any trouble, and at most I was 2 minutes away from them, and in their vision the entire time. My last trip to the P.O. was a little more dramatic and took longer than expected (about 6 minutes), and the results of my judgement were NOT satisfactory. I now know that my 5 year old will unbuckle his brother’s car seat and together they will go nuts in the car.
So my methods and boundaries change as they grow. I think that’s another important factor as well. Age determines a lot in how much responsibility I give them.
i’m not sure if I’m actually making a point here… but… yes. Balance!:)
I left my three youngest children in the car once to simply walk another child to the door of a friend’s house. In that space of time my four year old got out of her carseat, put my van in reverse and hit a parked car. I had no idea she could even undo her carseat. No more time alone in the car! My insurance went up almost $20 a month from that little lesson. Otherwise I’m pretty laid back about my kids. I have too many to be otherwise, LOL
I am not a helicopter mom at all but I think balance is the key also. My SIL left her 5 yr old in the van when she dashed into the convenient mart “just for a minute”. He got out of the van and she came out and took off not realizing he wasn’t in there. The 5 yr old was found luckily by a police officer wondering the parking lot looking for his mom. It was a good 15 minutes before my SIL returned to find a terrified 5 yr old with a police officer and a whole lot of people trying to get in touch with her. It all worked out that time only with a huge amount of embarrassment for her but it was traumactic for the child. Never a good idea to leave young children alone in a vehicle…lots of bad things can happen other than abduction. Why take the chance?
Okay, I have to say that I think your comment about “impressionable women reading your public blog” is really insulting. This blog has thousands of followers and judging by the comments, it seems to me that the vast majority are quite intelligent and able to draw their own conclusions about the ideas presented here. We’re not all going to say, “oh, look, MckMama took a picture of her kids doing _____- that must be safe and I’m going to rush right out and have my kids do the same…”
I can see that you are trying to be respectful so I thought you would want to know that your language conveyed the opposite.
I don’t usually comment, but I must say that I agree. I hadn’t thought about my parenting the way that you talk about it, but I am much more relaxed than I ever thought I would be as a parent (I’m a germophobe, myself). I will say, however, that given that parenting style, I think it’s extremely important to be diligent in discipline so that my children (only one of whom is actually old enough to benefit from this yet) know that “no means no.” It could save their lives one day.
My 6 year old daughter is very “rough and tumble” and she gets cuts, bruises, scrapes, etc. all the time because she’s so active. She jumps off outdoor walls at our house, wrestles with the dog (and her smell proves it afterward), and is allowed to play like children should play. I stop her from something if I feel it proves to be an immediate danger (like jumping off a wall that is too high).
I’m also much more relaxed about germs with my children than I thought I would be. “Oops, didn’t wash your hands again before dinner, oh well. We’ll try to remember next time.” “Oh, the baby’s toy fell in the floor, well brush it off and give it back to him.” I will admit that I have a shopping cart cover for the baby, though. A few germs at home are one thing, a shopping cart full are another.
Here’s an article I think you’ll enjoy: http://www.rd.com/content/openContent.do;jsessionid=E46FB81DF4539068CEC379EC155B4E2F.app2_rd1?friendlyPath=/living-healthy/bubble-babies/article150007.html&contentId=150007
Mckmama-
We have seldom seen eye to eye. And you know that in the past I have looked unfavorably about how some of your posts come off as “judgmental,” only meaning that the other side of the coin is usually never acknowledged, especially when it comes to dealing with sick kids.
But I get this one. I love letting my little guy explore his own world without buffering him. Sure, we wash our hands a lot, but that’s only because an illness could kill him. But when he finally started crawling, I just let him be. You hit your head on the bars of the baby gate and it hurt? Well that will teach you to do that! You tumbled over the pillow when you tried to stand on it and it scared you? Well at least you know your limits.
I simply caution you, especially with your wee ones.
When Potato was taught by his physical therapist to climb up the stairs, I let him under my watchful eye. And under my watchful eye, he tumbled a very SHORT distance, hit his head and stopped breathing for a good minute. For a kid with interstitial lung disease, this was scary not only for him, but for me. Fortunately, I know infant CPR and was able to get him breathing again.
Through my journey to the ER with various emergency personnel, it was clear to me that not only did they think I had thrown him down the stairs, but that if I even said the wrong thing, they would take him away from me.
My warning to you is this….yes, you can let your kids jump and play, you can expose them to germs to get their immune systems up and running…but heed the distinct difference between protection and smothering. You don’t need to smother them, but you do need to protect them. Because, if one of them falls and breaks an arm (or if God forbid, Stellan’s heart stops beating after he gets scared from a fall), the police and emergency people will not be so nice to you, their mother who let it happen.
Trust me, even with tears streaming down my face and cradling my at-that-point-perfectly-fine baby boy, they were willing to consider that I was a horrible abusive mother. It’s their job to spot this and they will do it well.
I wish you the best.
I totally agree with what you have said. I parent exactly the same way, and I have 2 girls. They play at the park, get dirty, do karate, rock-climbing and fishing, play in the grass and dirt in the backyard, mess around on the trampoline, and jump and run and climb. We haven’t had a broken bone yet (knock on wood). No trips to the hospital either. The only time I freak out is when they vanish from my view (I was abused as a child and cannot shake the irrational fear of someone doing that to my children). My only stipulation when they are doing something is that I must be able to see or hear them. Or know that they are with someone that I can trust. I watch so many parents wrap their children in cotton wool and it just makes me sad. As a child, I had the best time with life – I did so much, but children these days don’t get to do half of what I did. They don’t learn and they don’t experience. I want my girls to be strong, courageous, independent and secure. So far I seem to be on the right tack. (-:
I agree with you in a lot of ways, except one thing that jumped out at me: your side comment about vaccines. Much like letting kids be kids and getting exposed to daily household bacteria and viruses to boost their immune systems (I hate anti-bacterial soap more than anything!), vaccines do the EXACT same thing. They introduce a little bit of a neutralized virus/bacteria into the body so the body can naturally build up resistance. Unlike colds and strep throat, polio and the measles aren’t tolerated as well by the immune system, that’s why we can’t just depend on naturally coming across them and naturally getting rid of them.
So, really, in terms of consistency, using vaccines are actually a much more in line with the rest of your parenting philosophy than delaying/refusing them.
Most recommended vaccines are great (for us, we delay until usually age 2) for exactly the reasons you said! What I wrote was that I have a problem with some vaccines because they don’t allow us to build up our own resistance. For example, mothers who have had natural chicken pox will pass on that immunity to their newborn children for their first weeks of life. Not so with mothers who were vaccinated against it. Just something I think about!
Oh, I agree; chicken pox, flu, etc. are all generally unnecessary for the average child.
I honestly agree with the segment out there which vaccinates children to the extent and on the schedule that children were vaccinated in the early 1980s. No flu, no chicken pox, no tetanus until they’re able to roam about, etc.
Although, I don’t know about that chicken pox thing you mentioned. My mom had unvaccinated chicken pox when she was a kid and me and my brothers all got chicken pox when we were seven. And, really, the only lasting result of having to have chicken pox was a really great stuffed animal my dad bought for me when I was home sick that I still bring along with me with every move. Worse things.
Sorry I wasn’t more clear;) Mothers who have had natural chicken pox pass on that immunity to their newborn children for the period of time they are newborns, not for the baby’s whole life. I fear that too many vaccines for our daughters will cause their own newborn children to be unnaturally susceptible to sickness as newborns.
My husband & I have nine children together, six at home. There is one girl, the eldest at home, 15 and the rest are boys. From 14 years down to 18 month old twins.
My husband & I do our level best each moment to ensure their safety. We run the gamet of “safety” at our house right now and oh my how your idea of “safety” changes with the gender of your child & their age.
The twins are in that phase of climbing everything and flinging them selves off it in the most heart-stopping way. they have no idea about roads or cars or staying on the path as we go for a walk.
My 15 year old daughter has no idea about drink spiking, or walking home the short way because it’s faster and nothings ever happened to her so why should it matter. Getting into a car with someone who just got their licence…….That sort of stuff. I got through my teens so I have faith my children will as well.. but it’s a whole new type of worry.
I’m sure our neighbours must think my husband & I aren’t here the number of times you will hear a child of ours cry out due to a fall, a stubbed toe, a hair pull or a sibling arguement. But it’s life, we are living it the best we can. So far so good
:)
You are right, wrapping your children in cotton wool is not the answer. Children innately LOVE life, they are fast, vibrant and FUN. We need to allow them to do that. AND I could not agree more about the germ thing too…
I love this…nothing to add except this: parents who are with (and by with I don’t mean right next to) their children all day seem to have an easier time with this. I let my kids leap off the top of their bunk bed onto a queen bed (yep, I do), because I’ve seen them do it and I know what they’re capable of. I think that’s much harder to judge for parents whose kids are separated from them for a large portion of the day (or, at least, this is what I see in the parent/child interactions of the children I watch). Not really making a point here, it’s just something I was thinking about last week (because I was being made to feel like a bad mother)
That’s a pretty broad and insulting generalization to state that working parents don’t have the judgement to know what their children are capable of.
I also thought that the generalization was insulting – but admit that it is SO difficult to read for tone in an on-line comment or mail. So I just gave sarah a mild “pass” for trying to be helpful and not intending to insult.
Marisa, I agree with you – working parents are just as capable of paying attention to their children. It’s not nice or correct to suggest otherwise.
I think it’s more about the parents than it is the work schedule. My mom stayed home, and of all my friends’ parents, she was by far the most overprotective. (If anything, I think sitting around and watching me all day just gave her more stuff to freak out about.) Most of their parents worked. Not to mention, unless one is homeschooling their child, once the kids are in school, a working parent may not really spend any less time with their child than one who stays home.
Yes! yes, yes, yes to everything! You summarized so many of my thoughts, and put them so well. I´m a mom of four, and most of my friends only have one or two children and are about ten years older than I am – and they´re shaking their heads about me letting my children go home from school alone or teaching them how to cycle when they are two years old.
I always believed it´s better to let children make their own experiences – they have to fall, and they have to fail, because that´s just a part of life and they grow so much from it. Last year, my daughters, being 5 and 7 years old, went to visit their uncle in London – by plane, of course supervised by the stewardesses, but more or less on their own. It was such a boost for their self-esteem!
I´m seriously thinking about printing this blog post, to hand it out to my friends
I agree wholeheartedly!! I’m one of the “older” ones who didn’t wear a helmet, or a seat belt for that matter – and yet – here I am! I LOVE your posts and your parenting style. I don’t agree with everything – but darn close
Just today, I was rigging up ropes, etc. on the swingset with my 7 yr old granddaughter and trying to get her to (ironically) jump! – from a safe distance of course!! She’s not very “brave” when it comes to stuff like jumping, but I agree, I think she needs to learn HOW to jump “safely”. And amen to not letting children get dirty or be exposed to “germs” heaven forbid! I think children get sick more often these days because their immune systems haven’t had the chance to become “immune” to anything.
I am also going to check out the books you referred to for a friend who has a daughter-in-law who is afraid of everything – and has 9 yr od twin boys. One especialy will start to rebel very soon I think – and it won’t be pretty!!!!
I totally agree with you. I HATE that children these days are brought up in a bubble. We now live abroad and in this country it is frowned upon if parents accompany children to school. It is also frowned upon if children are dropped to school by car (in fact, none of the schools here have car parks). Children, from age 5 are expected to walk to school with friends – cross roads, pick up snails along the way and once a week the teacher brings them to the forest where the light a fire and grill food. In our home country children are not even allowed to run in the playground in school and if they are unaccompanied by an adult on the way to and from school, it is frowned upon. Great post!
Hi J,
Very thought provoking! I think I agree with all of it–it’s very enlightening. : )
The only part that I either misinterpreted or dont agree with is that while they play, I think they need to be protected by things like helmets while they’re on bikes/skateboards, and nets while they jump on 12 feet trampolines, etc.
It’s one thing to scrape a knee or even break an arm–it’s another to fracture your skull because you fell on your head from an elevated surface or from a bike without a helmet on. I cant see how anyone could think risking that with their child could ever be worth it because it’s something you cant ever undo.
And coming from a family of “the ones”—yes, statistics comfort and reveal how irrational many fears are, but sometimes, unfortunately, all they do is serve as a painful reminder of how “unlucky” you are because you were the one it happened to!
Hugs,
C
I’m a Dutch women, and love your post. I used to be an au pair in the States, and worried about the way people protect their children in de USA. After my au pair-year I went to college in Arkansas, and noticed how many of the over-protected children could not manage on their own. Now that I have my own children, I sometimes feel guilty when they get hurt, and it’s so nice to hear from other parents that it’s not good to try to keep them away from everything that can maybe get them hurt.
You are so right! I noticed that you said you rarely let your children play on those couches anyways, it’s not like it is a daily thing, so 364 days a year they will respect the furniture (or so you’ll hope), but every once in a while, let them break the rules. A mom that hovers, that has everything on her checklist, that won’t let her child out of her sight, will actually rob her child of their independence! My daughter is very behaved (ehh, most of the time
because she has decisions and consequences. Everybody is going to make mistakes, and your children need to learn to be resilient, and how can they do that if they never mess up? That I think is the key to being a well rounded adult! Someone everyone can relate to!
I totally agree with you on being careful not to overparent. And while I don’t agree with jumping off couches (for reasons other than protection– I just don’t want my children to behave that way in our home nor treat our furniture that way– if you want to jump, go outside on your playset), I do think that not allowing children the opportunity to explore and learn on their own is so sad. I do have a question though– do you think that your opinions are more leniant because you have more boys? I am finding that I am a lot more open minded about things than my friends because I have a boy. Most of my friends have girls, and they are SUPER overprotective and can’t get over the fact that I: let my son play with sticks (heaven forbid he poke his eye out), go outside without shoes on, eat food that is whole (like a whole apple or banana– he’s 15 months), fall down in the pool (drowning does freak me out, but I chose to not freak out when it happens because that will just make my son react the same way. We just pick him up and act like nothing happened– and he just goes on like his merry self!).
Thanks for being so open and honest, even if it means you might get some nasty comments. While I may not agree with everything you blog about, I respect the fact that you’re willing to stand up for what you believe in, whatever the cost.
I must admit that I hover, but in my opinion God has given me the ability to be the best parent I can be, and quiet honestly I don’t want to take a risk with one of my babies. It’s not worth the risk.
Perfectly said! Your family is healthy and happy. What else matters?
I don’t disagree with most of this post, but because I’m a math geek, I have to point out that statistics can’t be applied in that way.
Like, the stat is that a kid has a 0.0005% chance of being abducted by a stranger. The vast majority of kids are watched and kept near caretakers. So, of the few kids that are not being watched constantly, the risks are much higher.
You couldn’t line up 100 kids and say they all have an equal chance of being abducted…it’s not a crap shoot. The kids in that same group of 100 that have a MUCH higher chance of being abducted are the ones who are put in riskier situations..
However, most people who ride on an airplane have an equal chance of dying (exceptions can be made for types of planes that are less safe, etc.)
The rest of your post is ok with me.
I love math geeks!
Great post! I’ve been asked many times, “How do you do it and stay so calm?”, people ask referring to us having 4 children and 1 on the way (like you!). In addition to having the peace of God in our lives, I really can’t imagine being a worried parent with this many young children! It’s not worth it! We definitely over think (most) things in our culture today. If the pacifier falls in the toilet at Target, you toss it and go buy a new one. If your 5 year old goes in and out of the porta potty by himself and continues to play at the park in the dirt, you just don’t think about it!
I completely agree with this post. I will also make this comment. Most children who are phsyically, emotionally, or sexually abused are usually violated by a family member or a family friend, or somebody they know, etc. Very seldom is the offender a stranger! My own son at 5 was violated by somebody and we just found out this year. Our instinct at first was to hover over the boys and try to protect them more. However, we pulled back because our son’s offender is somebody we know! Not a stranger!
I am so glad you posted this! It is exactly what we do with our boys and how we are raising them! It will be interesting to see what kind of comments you will receive!
This is my first time posting…but i’m a long time reader…..all i have to say about this post is AMEN!!!! so very true! i have 3 kids (4yr old boy and 16mth old twin girls) and although there are some things i don’t agree with that you post i have to say thats whats great about being able to parent our own kids, we get to decide what we feel is right! you said it great in this one. Let the kids be kids….explore, learn, jump and get dirty. you are an amazing mom and you can tell your kids are so very happy and loved
Amen! This is exactly my parenting philosophy in a nut shell! I have three boys (ages 6, 4, and 2) and, being boys, the get into stuff constantly. But they would never learn not to jump off this or that because it hurts without trying. My family has been letting boys be curios, dirty, daring, adventurous, and sometimes scraped boys since 2004! GREAT post Mckmama!
Oh, and yay I’m second!
haha love it!