I am no parenting pro. I’m just a parent. Learning as I go. However, in my five short years as a parent, I have done lots of learning about what works for us. This post is part and parcel of a couple other bits on discipline I’ve written in the past, with some updated video and twists thrown in. Hopefully it may inspire and encourage you as you walk along your own parenting journey!
When Small Fry first started to exhibit tantruming behavior before she even turned two, something neither of her older brothers ever did much of, it set in motion for me a renewed interest in discipline. After all, it had been a whole year since Prince Charming and I had occasion to sit down and decide how we were going to deal with pre two year old behaviors.
This time, it was girly tantrums and an amazingly strong attitude to go with them.
You do remember Small Fry’s Target tantrum, right?
Whew! That was an exhausting day; I remember it well. If I had it to do over again, I would probably handle the Target tantrum a little differently than I did that day, but I did what I could at the time. But even if I had it to do again, I am pretty sure I’d still employ extinction, which I’ll discuss during this post. But first, some of the other tips I’ve picked up during the past five years.
avoid the situations and stimulations that trigger poor behavior
Just as it’s light years easier to prevent contracting an illness than it is to treat the illness once we are sick, so it is with parenting. Finding ways to avoid negative behavior in our children is ever so much preferred to dealing with said behavior once it occurs.
For example, our MSC make it painfully obvious to us that when they are over-tired, they do not behave well.
Not only is Small Fry no exception to that rule, she actually embodies that rule. I thought it would serve me well to take her to Target that fateful day near naptime. Wrong. In an I shoulda known better moment, I learned that one of the best ways to deal with poor behavior is to avoid it in the first place. So now it’s simple: to avoid tantrums, I avoid letting Small Fry get overtired. When, for the most part, it’s rest time or bedtime, no matter how much I need to get done, I take her home and put her to bed. Her tantrums, thankfully, became a thing of the past soon after they began. And that was in large part due to avoiding situations that cause her to tantrum and also by ignoring tantrums when she does have them.
The same may apply to your children when they get too hungry, overstimulated or run with the wrong crowd. By learning what triggers poor behavior in our children, we have learned that we can avoid some of it in the first place.
make your expectations clear
Much like I wrote in this post about riding in cars with boys, it is critical for parents to make their expectations clear to their children. It has seemed to me that our children behave better, especially in public, when I make my age-appropriate expectations for them crystal clear. For example, we review our behavior rules for the Community Center each time before we get out of the car to play there. The same goes for what I expect of them as we shop. My one finger rule has bought me so much sanity over the years. Because all of our children don’t always fit neatly in one shopping cart, and because I want them to learn at an early age how to obey and walk close to me in public, I employ this technique, one I’ve blogged about before, often.
When using the one finger rule, our children are allowed to touch almost anything they want when we are out and about, shopping or whatever. But just with one finger. It’s not “Don’t touch!” Instead, it’s “You may touch that bag of cookies on the shelf with one finger, MckNugget.” It really works! They get to act on their curiosity, get to see what things feel like, don’t feel suppressed, all while not leaving me with high blood pressure and the unwanted job of re-stocking the shelves!
focus on what you’d like your child to do instead of on what you do not want them not to
Creating a positive environment in the home is invaluable as we help our young ones learn to make good choices and follow directions. Just as we adults typically respond better to positive speech than we do when someone approaches us, taking a negative spin on things, the same has seemed to be true for our children. I usually get a better response from our MSC when I kindly let them know what I would like from them. So, my response becomes, “My ears will listen when they hear nice talking,” instead of “Quit whining!” It’s “Why don’t you find a great place for that garbage?” and not “For Pete’s sake, don’t throw that on the kitchen floor!” And “We sit in our highchair when we are eating,” instead of “I told you, do not stand in your highchair!!!”
The positivity that flows from speaking to our children in ways that show them what we want them to do instead of pointing out their wrong behavior is sure to have a calming affect on your whole household. At least, that’s been our experience.
give choices so your child has some reasonable measure of control over his or her life
I took a seminar back when I was a teacher about classroom management. I remember learning about what little amount of control adults often give children over their own lives and how that can often be frustrating for children. It made sense to me. Of course, please don’t get me wrong, I understand that children are just that and that parents are to be the authorities over them. We believe that very strongly. Our four children are to obey us and we are to train them in the ways they should go.
But to that end, I have indeed found that giving choices to our children works a whole lot better to get the desired results than just making demands right and left. Yes, my husband and I have set it as one of our goals as parents to train our children to become self sufficient adults who can make their own wise decisions. It behooves us as parents to give our children chances to exercise that freedom, in my opinion.
So, when Big Mac is dilly dallying and not putting on his shoes like I ask, our interaction might go something like this:
Me: “Sweetheart, we need to leave. Please find some shoes and put them on.”
Big Mac: “But I can’t find my blue shoes.”
Me: “Well, then you will have to pick a different pair.”
Big Mac: “But Maaaama, I want to wear my blue shoes! I’m gonna go in my closet and look for them.”
Me: “Nope, we don’t have time for that. You’re going to have to pick another pair.”
Big Mac: “No, no, no!!!! I want my blue ones!”
Me: “Big Mac, listen to me. You may either pick a different pair out of the shoe bin or I will pick one for you. Please make your choice now.”
And he’ll either pick a new pair, or I will and we’ll move on. Hopefully with no screaming on the part of either party.
act quickly
Immediate response to the misbehavior of one of our children almost always helps things turn around quicker than a delayed response does. That sometimes means finding an off-ramp and having a chat in a parking lot or leaving a restaurant to discuss in the bathroom. No matter what response I’m going to give, I’ve learned that giving it quickly usually helps.
act calmly
Of all the tricks I’ve learned in my four and a half years of parenting, staying calm is probably the simplest yet most effective tool I’ve happened upon. I liken it to my experience with natural childbirth. What we learned in our Bradley childbirth class about staying calm and peaceful even as the pain of labor mounted. Indeed, Prince Charming said to me after Big Mac was born that the time when I was transitioning to being fully dilated and getting ready to push looked like it was the “easiest” for me. It was hard not to snort milk out my nose when he told me that. Indeed, it was during transition that I actually thought I was going to perish. But I stayed quiet and calm and that helped me deal with that experience.
In a similar way, I try to deal with the stresses of Many Small Children like that, too. The rougher things get in the house, say from between 4 and 6 pm each day, the time I lovingly refer to as everyone’s witching hour, the calmer I try to force myself to become. I don’t always succeed, but I do focus as much as I can on being a calm mother most of the time. When I am tempted, at the end of a long day, to scream at the top of my lungs, “Be quiet, leave me alone! Give me some bleeping peace and quiet for one cotton pickin’ moment!” I determine to be as calm as ever. “Wow, darling, that’s too bad that you just shattered my glass vase on accident. I guess I’ll just clean it up. Would you pretty please put down that butcher knife and kindly give me a hand while working on bringing your sweet as honey voice down a decibel or two? Thanks!”
Or something like that. You get the idea. It really works to help keep my mood stable and does wonders for the attitudes of the children in our home, too.
get on their eye level
Just as comments yelled from a backseat driver can grate, so I imagine it is for children when we holler to them from the other room. “Small Fry! I hear you tormenting your brothers in the other room. You’d better knock it off!” doesn’t go over as well as it does when I get up off the chair, enter the room, kneel down next to our little, ahem, angel and look her in the eyes, saying, “Small Fry, do you think it is kind to tease Nuggey like that? Would you please show me how you can be kind to your brother instead?”
I’m not sure about you, but we rarely have luck in our family with armchair parenting. I think our children deserve a little more respect than that, anyway.
distract
Sometimes, if the issue is not severe, a simple, “Hey, Nuggey, let’s go out on the deck and look for birds!” is all it takes to turn the tides of his bad behavior without even having to get into any kind of punishment. This technique, I have found, works very well for young children who are not mature enough to grasp the real reason behind their behavior.
practice extinction
“Oh, I can’t believe you get out so much with all of your small children. They are so well behaved. And believe me, I see a lots of kids. It always brings a smile to my face when you four walk in.” Such beautiful compliments, like this one I got from the lady who runs the cafeteria at the community center we used to frequent before we moved make me feel so proud.
But don’t get me wrong: I am certain that, equally as often, people in public turn their heads away from my children when they are acting like hooligans, which they are certainly prone to do.
One technique I often employ with my children is extinction. I cannot exclusively fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to parenting. I have too many children and they are too young for me to risk just winging it. I am severely outnumbered and the numbers are not going to be in my favor anytime soon. Or, like, ever. Therefore, there are areas in which I must be deliberate. In which I must plan my course of attack when it comes to battles with my children.
And, in this example, I sometimes make a concerted effort to plan to ignore my children. You heard me right. Ignore. That’s what extinction means. I didn’t learn about this technique in any book on parenting; instead, when I studied education in college, I learned extinction as an classroom management technique.
Extinction is the deliberate ignoring of a behavior that you wish to eliminate in another.
Using extinction effectively takes a level of commitment to be sure. You can’t ignore for a while, and then when your child gets really, really, reeeeeally whiny, bend down to them and say, calmly, “You need to knock that off!” That would be, in fact, worse than never ignoring their behavior in the first place. Your child would learn, in that situation, that if the keep up long enough, and up the ante enough, you will eventually respond. They will win. This is most decidedly not the message that I want to send to my children!
Certainly, there are times when extinction is not called for and an urgent non-ignoring of a dangerous situation is in order. However, when used in the right situation, I have found this technique to be a life saver, if not at the moment, then for future outbursts.
To be sure, practicing extinction helps me to stay calm. On the other hand, to engage in a conversation about my child’s behavior is likely to elicit some kind of a defensive response from them. And going back and forth with a whole lotta “But, Mama”’s is not the way I want to spend my afternoons. Besides, doing so is likely to get me agitated. But to ignore some inappropriate behavior completely (especially when the child is not being destructive, hurtful, defiant, etc.), helps me keep my cool. And keep my arsenal full for a real battle.
Using extinction also helps children learn that they are not in control of another person’s behavior. Once I decide to ignore one of my children’s antics, I am in it for the long haul and I will continue to ignore it. By not giving in and offering the offending child my attention, I am teaching him that he cannot control me. And then next time the situation arises, the offending child is more likely to remember that their whines didn’t get them their desires last time, and they are less likely to try that route again.
Let’s take a look at how this has played out in my family recently. Say, last week, for example.
We were all in the car and the children and I had been talking. I was answering their questions and things were merry. At some point, whining began. “He’s looking at me!” “My legs are getting cold!” “She took my book!” I spent a few minutes working through each situation with them. “Then just look out the window so you can’t see him.” “Okay, I’ll turn the (now functional) air conditioning down.” “Then please ask her politely to give it back to you.”
When my verbal assistance fell on deaf ears and the whining continued, I calmly told all of the children that I was done talking to them for a while. We were a mere three minutes from home. “If you don’t like my ideas about how to work through these issues, that’s okay. But I am not going to talk about any of it any more. The way you are talking to me is not polite. Please try to work things out by yourselves. Do not talk to me again until we are home.”
Oh, boy.
Apparently, they saw fit to test my resolve to not talk about any of it any more. For the next minute or so, a minute which seemed like an eternity and I captured on “film” (didn’t know how to post it as only an audio recording, so pardon the fact that there is no video), they hollered my name and begged for my attention. See?
Mom!? from Jennifer McKinney on Vimeo.
Whew! That was exhausting. As bound and determined as I was to stick by what I said, I also know my children. By the time this “video” was winding down, they had clearly gotten the point and my ignoring them was bothering them. Not wanting them to be unduly upset and feeling like I had gotten my point across, I ended the extinction. We were almost home, but still we stopped the car so I could talk to them all.
“Do you children know why Mama was not answering you?”
“Because we didn’t listen an’ we were shoutin’ your name?”
“Yes. I tried to help you all, but you kept whining. So I told you I was done talking if you were going to whine. But it sounds like you’re all done hollering at me. Thank you! I’d love to talk now.”
“Oh, okay!”
And that was the end of that. Ahhh, extinction. Not always easy, but sometimes worth it in the long haul. For the record, no one has hollered my name in the car since that fateful day, and our children have remembered to speak to me nicely. Hopefully that trend will keep up!
model for your children how to verbalize their emotions
I try very hard to remember what I heard some number of years ago: Our children learn what they live. Instead of storming around the house when I’m angry, I have noticed that it helps our children when my husband and I model to them how to verbalize emotions.
“I’m feeling frustrated because the yogurt got splattered all over the ceiling. I’m going to go take a little break.”
Also, at times when, for example, Stellan is working hard to share what he’s feeling, but is falling flat on his little toddler face, I try to work through his feelings with her. When he screams out, “No, no, mine!” I will sometimes respond, “Well, Stellan, it’s actually Mama’s phone.” When another “No, my phone!” is followed by a wail and a screech, perhaps I’ll say, “If you’re feeling sad, Sweetheart, you can say, ‘I’m sad because you won’t let me play with your phone.’” What follows is of course just some toddler babble, but it’s a step in the learning process, I think. I follow it up with, “I’m so sorry that you’re sad. That must be frustrating,” and then wrap up with some distraction: “Let’s go find your ball and play catch, okay?’
be consistent
Probably most of us have experienced that anything worth doing works better when done consistently. It’s the same with exercise, reading our Bibles, eating well and studying for exams in school. It goes, therefore, without saying that in our family, we get more consistent results from our children when we are consistent with our expectations and their discipline.
know and use your child’s currency
Finally, an idea I ran across a few years back was to try to understand your child’s currency. I have found that learning what motivates each of our children helps us tailor our discipline techniques to that particular child. Big Mac is motivated by wanting to please us, his parents, whereas the desire to avoid consequences drives Nuggey. As we’ve learned what makes each of our children tick, we can tailor our motivations and punishments accordingly. Some of your children may respond well to a physical consequence when they are blatantly defiant, while another might just need time alone in their room for five minutes and yet another will turn their attitude around if a prized toy or privilege is taken away for a time.
It has worked for our family to find what techniques fall within our family value system and which ones work for each of our children. It is my hope that you will be able to find success in your own parenting journeys with the techniques you find and implement!
There are as many ways to discipline a child as there are types of children. In my five short years of parenting, which have sometimes seemed rather, ahem, long, I’ve come to understand that parenting goes best for me when I stay flexible, teachable, go with the flow and am not afraid to throw away old techniques in favor of new ones. I also have had to learn to forgive myself for when I fail at mothering the way I know I should or for when I lose my cool with our children. Know that many times, no matter how many of your best laid plans you put into place, parenting is simply a fly by the seat of your pants endeavor, with a few deliberately placed techniques thrown in here and there.
At least that’s been my experience.
Hello! This is my first time to visit your blog and I love it! I will definately be back again soon. I really enjoyed this post for I have a 20 month old who is going through tantrums and I have tryed my hardest to educate myself on how to handle it. Have you read Shepherding a Child’s Heart? I have studied a lot on what it means to discipline with the rod. As a Christian yourself..what do you think about spanking? I have found that it is biblical, but it is so hard for me to justify hitting my son when i am trying to teach him to not hit. Does that make sense? Just wondering what your thoughts were…..
thanks.
I really liked this post. My son has recently started some tantrum behavior and it was perfect timing for me to read this. You have lots of good advice and although I don’t think all of these will work for me, I like to hear what other mothers are doing so I can add to my bag of tricks. I linked up this post on my blog, if you don’t mind, so maybe another mom out there can get some tips too.
I highly recommend the book Discipline Without Distress by Judy Arnall. It has so many of the same ideas you use, and it might help you move in a better direction in some other areas. I have 4 children, and I read this when #3 was 2, and it helped move my whole parenting philosophy in the direction I always wanted to be but wasn’t quite sure how to get there. I really think you would like it. Another one I like is Unconditional Parenting by Alphie Kohn.
One thing I see you use that I really like is Empathy. I can’t believe how much it helps just to say I’m sorry that happened to you, and move on. Not every problem needs a solution, and sometimes kids just want to be acknowledged.
Have you read “shepherding a Child’s heart” and “instructing a child’s heart” by ted and margy tripp? THEY ARE EXCELLENT. It stresses the importance of heart training, not just behavior training… Several of the tools you use are great for discontinuing bad behavior, but they may be teaching your kids just another way to “deal with it” instead of seeking the Lord to actually change their hearts, especially the oldest two boys. Just my humble perception, Keep up the good work!
I think that parenting means you share the good with the bad. I mean, if all you ever posted was photos of your children getting messy b/c of fun activities or planting straw bales or just being adorable, then you’d be ridiculed to pieces, huh? But, it appears that when you also share the not-so-perfect details, you get ridiculed as well. Guess being someone who has a lot of readers feedback can be lose-lose, huh? I’m not envious of that AT ALL.
On another note, a while back we got new cell phones. A few days before the change over, I was going through all my old photos and videos on my old phone, seeing if I wanted to keep any of them. I found one video where I was walking through our house and LITERALLY everyone was having a melt down. The baby was crying, the twins were screaming and our oldest was pitching a royal fit over something inconsequential. I videoed it to send to my husband to ask him to pray over our home and children b/c our day was going THAT BAD.
I ended up saving that video b/c I KNEW that days like that were fleeting and before long I’d be dealing with other behavior issues with them all as teenagers and, truthfully, I’d miss those chubby little toddler faces, and probably, their little baby cries as well. I’d miss the bad almost as much as I’d miss the good. I’m sure you understand what I mean, don’t you?
PS: Sometimes fits ARE funny. Maybe it’s just me. But they ARE.
The end.
I totally understand that sometimes it is necessary to ignore a behavior, when my two year old is throwing a tantrum for attention I just let her have at it and tell her that she can come talk to me when she is ready to use her words and be polite. I get that. But it really makes me sad to see that people call that video you posted cute or funny. Really? I think it’s actually pretty sad.
I agree with 99.5% of your post, however:
My mom used your version of “extinction” (silent treatment) on me quite often because I was a beggar and a whiner. Guess what? I still whine.
However, I know it emotionally damaged me…any time my husband, friend, child, etc ignores me it brings back HORRIBLE memories of my childhood. Just a thought.
Being ignored emotionally damaged you? Oh please. Go on Oprah.
Wow. Did you really just tell someone to go on Oprah? What a hateful comment.
My MSC are now MGC (many grown children) and I used these same strategies while raising them and they have all turned out to be loving, happy, productive people. Keep up the good work and you’ll be happy with the results I believe. I love reading your blog because it brings back so many happy memories of raising my own little guys!
I would add–be pre-emptive.
When my daughter was about 4 yrs old, I noticed that she melted down at about 5:00 every evening (the witching hour for many households), but that snuggling and rocking made her feel a lot better. So instead of waiting for her to meltdown, and then have to stop making dinner or whatever I was doing, I just worked it in to the routine. Before she melted down, I pulled her on my lap and rocked in the rocking chair for a while. I was anticipating her needs. It was lovely for both of us, and I did not have to worry about “rewarding” her tantrums, because this just avoided them.
Ignoring behavior works if it is a negative attention getting behavior. A very young child (like Stellan and maybe SmallFry) isn’t going to understand why you are blantantly ignoring them when they are calling you though. You might want to study up on your learning theory and child development.
I don’t believe in willfully disobedient children. Children all want to please us.
Might be a good time for a parenting class as a refresher.
I completely agree with these!
Thanks for some refreshers and some new ideas! Think I might’ve seen a little “Love & Logic” thrown in there….we love that book!
I have tried the “extinction” techinque with my girls, so hearing you do it was “funny” just because I knew exactly how you felt! My oldest (5 years) is a SCREAMER, and she starts to flip out when I’ve done it to her, so I know that I am really in it for the long haul with her. It’s always nice to know that we (moms) are all dealing with very similar situations in our lives.
The first paragraph states that this is a post from the past with a few additions!
Thank you for clearing up the situation behind the “Mom” video. I’ll admit, I was one of those disturbed by it.. My kids have done the “Mom” thing tons of times, and I too ignored it. I think what was so upsetting was we didn’t have a story behind it. By the way, thanks for the Small Fry fix… she’s truly adorable!
Hmm, I had no idea people could see it before I posted it? You mean on Vimeo? Yeah, I uploaded it a few days ago. Sorry to give you a scare:)
I find it very hard to believe that you had no idea people could see this video by going to Vimeo. You’re very smart, and good at marketing yourself, so please don’t insult the intelligence of some of your readers.
Wow! You really shouldn’t be so rude. If you have a problem with her feel free to click the red box with the x in it! How is she to know that people were going to her personal Vimeo account before she posted it in her blog? I saw the video early and had NO problem with it. I just wondered why it didn’t have any picture. McKMama, your kids are super cute! Thank you for sharing them with us. It is a true blessing!!
I couldn’t agree with you more Mary! I wouldn’t have anticipated anyone watching/waiting for me to post a video on Vimeo. I’m sure it’s the same with Mckmama
Except that she is MckMama and there are many people out there trying to catch her doing wrong. So she has to be aware that people are watching everything she does, posts. This happened before when she posted Small Fry saying her verse. We saw it on her account before she posted it on her blog. MckMama is there a way to pass code your Vimeo account or make it private?
Exactly!
wow! as a new mom (3 month old), i LOVED this post… lots and lots of GREAT information…
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important topic.
As a fellow Christian, I would encourage you point your readers to what the Bible has to say about raising our children for His honor and glory. While you and I may not be experts on discipline, He is and He gives us everything we need to successfully raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
~ just one mom of ten
My thoughts exactly
I completely agree. While books and parenting classes are all good things (for the most part) the BIBLE should be the ultimate authority for discipline……
Still some good ideas….and still some things to learn, as I can attest with 2 boys becoming teenagers, an 8yr old, 4 yr old and a 2 year old….always something to learn!
On another note, each child responds differently to different disciple. What works for one, may not work for another……in my experience.
Great post. Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this out. As a fellow blogger, I know how difficult setting aside time to share thoughts can be, so thank you! I found your techniques very helpful as I sort out my own techniques with my 2 year old. I enjoyed your perspective very much and again appreciate you taking the time to let us into this area of your parenting world!
Also, as a side note, I have 2 pictures framed on our wall of a “before” and “after” of my son. The “before” is him crying like there’s no tomorrow… then a few minutes later we have the “after” and he’s smiling like he owned a toy store. I think it’s a part of life (a sweet part of life!) to capture the tears and the smiles. My parents have home videos of me cryin’ over spilled milk (or something!) from 28 years ago and I love it! It’s capturing our lives… our real lives… and loving every minute of it. Not that you do, but don’t think twice about the nay-sayers. Capturing every moment is priceless!
Great post! Thanks for the ideas/advice. Mom, mom, mom! It probably wasn’t funny at the time but souds so cute a week later! One of the the things I do in the heat of a frustrating moment is remind myself how I parent is most likely how my children will parent one day!
oh my goodness! mom? mom? mom? that video! too cute! i love all of your parenting techniques and discipline ideas.
hahahahah! I LOVE the video of all your kids saying “MOM” over and over and over. it’s hilarious! haha. they’re such cute kids.
Hilarious?
God has given you a lot of wisdom (and PATIENCE! It was all I could do to get through that 1.33 min video WOW!) : p
Great ideas. You are a great mom!
I think most of this sounds brilliant! We do some of them already and I’m thinking I’ll try a couple more lol…
Just one question, where is the post about how to make the daddy behave?
Amen sister! I just wanted to tell you that this is one of the best articles I have ever seen on parenting. i’ll make sure my 4 grown kids see this. Thank you so much!
Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Oh I know how that sounds! I too practice extinction. I found it hysterical listening to all your kids. You could make a little video out of it. Too funny. You have some really great points and but the one that I needed to hear the most was the one about being positive. Too often I find myself pointing out what my children are doing wrong and forgetting to tell them what they should be doing. Thanks for the reminder!
I so needed to read this today. My son is one month older than Stellan. We are going on 3 weeks with minimal naps because he wakes up bawling from them for reasons I cannot figure out. I’m assuming teeth, but really don’t know. So I have a tired, cranky little boy all the time. He just learned how to scowl and has gotten very good at it! lol
I would love more ideas about what you do with Stellan (or what you did when the other kids were his age). I’m having a heckuva time teaching him to obey. Especially teaching him to come or stop when he’s not holding my hand.
I can’t seem to see the first video, either, but I’m pretty sure I know what a temper tantrum looks like
I think that those who don’t understand filming/taking photos of children in the midst of crankiness either never had children or don’t have a sense of humor. A child throwing an inconsolable temper tantrum is funny…after the fact. And it’s a good learning tool for others (or birth control for those considering becoming parents 
)
I think the most important thing you said was that you and PC talked about discipline BEFORE having to use it. This can be a sticking point when one parent disciplines in one manner and another uses a different technique (although I think he mentioned in a post that you do handle the kids differently). At least the big “issues” need to be the same.
You’re doing a good job!
I’m totally into the trying to avoid a problem before it starts stuff. Good advice there.
I think with the extinction, it’s important to make sure you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. I can’t help but feel that ignoring the child will cause them to feel a little abandoned and desperate. I know when I feel abandoned and neglected I behave worse instead of better. But when I know my needs are being taken care of I am at peace and more willing to work hard at being peaceful and co-operative. My kids are the same.
If DH gives me the silent treatment, it’s more likely to exasperate the argument, but if he continues to talk kindly and lovingly to me, we have a better chance at working through the issue and coming to an agreement, My kids are the same. I want to continue to respond to their needs and desires for affection even when I disapprove of their behavior. Sometimes the behavior needs addressed, other times ignoring the behavior while continuing to nurture my child’s needs and wait for them to outgrow the behavior or to tire of attempting to get a reaction is the most effective and least stressful way forward.
I do think that if the extinction method is used punitively it ceases to be effective. The point is not to be punitive, but to deliberately not reward a negative behavior with a reaction of any sort, to minimize it and remove focus from the behavior until it becomes a non issue. But when the ignoring becomes punitive, like by ignoring the child rather than the behavior, you are actually giving the child a reaction, a punishment for the behavior and it’s not really extinction anymore at all.
While I do agree with many of your ideas, such as the one finger rule, I don’t understand the concept of videotaping or recording your children when they are throwing a tantrum. I have raised 2 children to adulthood and that would have been the last thing that crossed my mind.. especially to record it and then share it. I am probably in the minority.. but that is ok
Sometimes when you’ve done all you can do, and your fingers are in your ears while you repeat to yourself, “I will look back and laugh, I will look back and laugh”, sometimes all you can do is snap up a pic or take a video to help keep you calm and keep things in perspective. I like to look back on old pics and videos and remember the good times as well as the trying times. It’s all part of the package, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.
If your kids are grown now, then back when they were little it probably would have been a bigger deal to drag out the big old video camera, plug it in and get some footage, and yeah, it probably would be weird to do in the middle of a tantrum, hehe. Nowadays your phone is in your hand anyway, you just hit record for a few seconds and point it in the general direction of the action and it’s done. You’ve recorded a memory that one day you’ll look back on and laugh, or sympathise with yourself or something.
Very well stated Niecy and I agree 100%.
Sadly I think its just the opposite I think being able to record everything in the blink of an eye makes you miss so much of what is really happening right in front of you. We actually put away the video camera by the time our last child entered preschool because my husband said he felt like he was missing so much of their life because he was always recording the Christmas program ect. I dont understand how everyone uses the terms hands on now when referring to parenting style.. but yet we have a whole world of electronics between us and our children. Oh..and our video camera was cordless… I am not THAT old.
Hey there!! Wow! Maybe you should write a book. Maybe this is all just a great reminder for me today!! Thanks so much for sharing. You are a great momma! I have a soon to be 3 yr old and a 7 month old and some days I feel like a fail, fail, fail…I am happy to be reminded that my children (mostly my 3yr old) is usually behaving the way her example (me) is behaving. Yipes!!
Oh…and what’s the clip from Family Guy mom, mommy, momma, mom, mom, mom…soooo soooo funny!!
Mom? Mom? Mom?
I love how Small Fry just kept repeating…while the boys (I think) were getting upset! It was like Small Fry was playing your card!!
I’ve gotta say…I’ve a post sitting in my drafts that is nearly identical to this! Crazy! Great info…but gee, thanks…now I can’t post mine lest I look like a copy cat!
I use extinction on a regular basis and it works great….and my kids are 15, 11, 10, 6 and one on the way! Also the using your child’s currency works great until their currency turns into ACTUAL currency! Our 15 year old is VERY motivated by money and we find it hard to use that to elicit good behavior….we feel it’s like paying him off for not acting up. But we still use the currency technique with the rest of the kids, for our daughter a simple grounding for the day works because she cannot see her friends or talk to them on the phone, for the youngest two taking away video game/TV privilege works the best. With our oldest we’ve gone to a BIG reward system. Since he’s had major behavioral issues lately we have his big reward for behaving the entire next school year as a vehicle and driver’s ed. We are hoping it works! What teen doesn’t want to learn to drive AND have their own vehicle!?!?!?!?!? The biggest thing I’ve learned is to be flexible as your children get older! What works for them as young children might not work when they hit the tween or teen years! You have to modify and adapt as they grow!
So true Jennifer.. I will take potty training over the teen years any day and my teens were easy!
Thought you should know your first video doesn’t work, but who knows- might be my computer. Great tips. I had an extra difficult 1st child. Could have used some of those about 8 years ago. lol.
We took Love and Logic classes and a lot of your techniques are synonymous with theirs. One more that we find important is to give empathy to your child’s emotions, even when disciplining them. It’s a toughie, but it really helps. Great post.
Thanks for the great post. I have heard about and employed most of these techniques but it is always good to get a review and new ideas within them.
Now being an only child I have no idea how to deal with sibling issues, like sharing, teasing or rivalry. Could you please post on how you deal with these issues? Especially how you deal with situations that happen when your back is turned so you really don’t know what happened? I feel very unprepared for this part of parenting my children. Thanks!
Thanks for this post, I always enjoy reading your ideas for discipline.
I’ve only been at this parenting gig for 3.5 years, and I’ve used many of your techniques with good results. My favorite is ‘get on their eye level’, instead of shouting at them through the house. It’s SO much easier to call across a few rooms to them, especially when I’ve been listening to the interchange between by two boys and I (think) I know exactly who’s at fault. It’s a much better model of respect to my children to get up, go to them and speak kindly to them about the behavior they ought to exhibit.
Also love the one about focusing on what ‘to do’ instead of ‘not to do’…it took me awhile to change my speech from “stop running!” to “please walk”, but the results have been worth the effort!
If I could add one thing, it would be to ‘model respect to one’s children’. Over the past year, God has really convicted me the I need to show my children respect. So when I yell at them, speak unkindly to them, or discipline when angry, that is *not* respectful. And when they speak to me disrespectfully, they are only modeling my behavior. Modeling kind speech and respectful behavior towards them has really gone a long way.
Thanks for posting about discipline! My hubby and I are pregnant with our first and I’m already getting nervous about the whole issue of discipline. I have copied this whole post into a text document and saved it in my ‘raising kids’ folder for future reference.
Thanks for sharing this. I plan to try some of these techniques with my kids.
Thank you SO much for posting this! It has helped me tremendously! My children are quite a bit older than yours, but through this post it helped me to see how I can and need to change as a parent! It’s never to late to change! And that I plan to do NOW!
I think we have very similar discipline techniques. The most important one to me is avoiding situations that trigger poor behavior. If I take my kids out when they are tired it’s partly my fault if they throw a tantrum so I am more lenient and understanding. Where I fail is modeling correct responses for them. I know that sometimes I stomp around or raise my voice and that is exactly where my kids are getting it from!!
I feel like such a failure telling them to do as I say, not as I do, when I know that what I DO carries far more weight than what I SAY. I was praying about this less than an hour ago and then read this post so it was timely. Thanks, I needed this reminder!
Many times I have said to my husband, “you know this is probably our fault”.
In the end, parenting is pretty much common sense. Unfortunately, common sense isn’t all that common anymore.
The hard part about parenting is when there is a wrench thrown in that nobody has control over. My daughter has a severe mood disorder, which 99 percent of the time in public, comes off as a spoiled, out of control child. It hurts to get comments from people, “helpful” advice, stares, and the like. I wish I had a normal parenting experience, but my daughter is just as wonderful as any other child, just with a socially unacceptable disorder. I look at parents, children, and even grandparents in a totally different light since realizing that my daughter did not need SUPERNANNY, but rather intense therapy.
By the way, I love love love your photography, and so much about the blog. The Mckhousehold looks like a blast to live in… most of the time!
Take care.
Karen, I think we should all try and see people the way you describe. A good reminder that we have no idea what the story is behind the child crying in the store, or the parent’s reaction. I was with a group of moms getting onto a train once when another mother was in the middle of realizing her child had misplaced a bag with a significant amount of money in it. She grabbed the child’s hands and yelled at him. All of my friends had comments and judgements, but I couldn’t help but think that she was so frustrated and probably mostly with herself. Her reaction wasn’t perfect, but who’s to say she can’t apologize and still be a “good” mom? I just wish we could all look at each other with more sympathy and not be so quick to judge.
You gave some fabulous suggestions, Jennifer! There are several techniques that we utilize regularly, and some new ones to try. Your bit on extinction couldn’t have come at a better time for me… thanks!
Also, you’ve hit the nail on the head here… the 3 goldenr ules I share with my PAT families are consistency, offeing what to do instead of what not to do, and provided choices that you will be comfortable with! Amen!
Thanks for the discipline ideas!
I’m pretty sure we have one of the most stubborn almost-4-year-old boy out there! He has been stubborn since birth and we have been struggling with disciplining him since he was 15-months old. I love hearing your discipline posts, but unfortunately we have tried pretty much everything and still have major tantrum episodes (that would put Small Fry to shame). Luckily most of them occur at home or in the car. You should take a ride in our car someday and you might want to drive yourself right to the loony bin
It is good to know that we are trying the right things though. We have two other younger boys and so far they have a much more calm demeanor and the 19-month-old is super easy to discipline so far! I think I just need to work on patience now and hope he grows out of it soon! Thanks for all the great reminders!
I hear you Sheri! Especially as my older daughter is screaming “ice cream!!” from the top of her lungs right now in bed. I never understood just how stubborn and passionate she was until my 2nd was born. #2 is so much calmer! #1 drives me to prayer daily.
All that being said, I love all these suggestions and use them all. Sounds like a lot of “Love and Logic” to me. Great book!!
Can I come and observe you some day (mostly kidding b/c I’m not really a stalker)? As hard as I try to implement these techniques, I still struggle, especially with the “staying calm” part. My perspective on myself as an example to my children changed dramatically when I realized that not only am I modeling how a well-adjusted person should behave, but also that I represent God to them. It seems like a much bigger deal when I fail now! Praise God for His grace!
And I can so identify with the “welcome” challenge of a strong willed little girl. After two relatively mellow boys, my 18-month-old daughter makes my head spin. Many days I feel like a first time mom again!
Thanks for the tips!
You “did what [you] could at the time”?
Which was what, film your daughter as she was screaming/throwing a tantrum/distressed/misbehaving, instead of removing her from the store or calming her down, which is what anyone with common sense would do?
While I’m glad that there’s finally some context to that bizarre “Mom?!” video/audio you posted, I’m still shocked that you think it was appropriate to post something like this as an example of discipline. You might want to start thinking about what those adorable children will think someday when they read about their mother’s chronicling of them pinching of scrotums and sticking of fingers in places they don’t belong.
Marie,
Seriously, it’s time for you to move on. You obviously dislike MckMama, and don’t agree with anything she says or does. There are plenty of blogs out there to chose from, so why don’t you pick one and leave us, who do enjoy reading her blog, alone.
I enjoy reading her blog as well, but I also know how to think for myself. If something doesn’t sit right with me, I ask MckMama about it. And most of the time she chooses not to respond for herself, and lets her blind followers jump all over anyone who might have an opinion other than MckMama’s.
So in answer to your request: No, I won’t move on until the followers of this site learn to think critically, and don’t take everything that MckMama says as gospel. There are many things she says with which I agree, and many with which I don’t. This happened to be one of those times I didn’t agree with MckMama.
Please go away. I’m so tired of reading comments like this. If you don’t like what MckMama does, please don’t read her blog!!
I think it’s a little rude of both of you to completely dismiss any comments that don’t agree 100% with what Jennifer posts. I enjoy reading this blog – don’t always agree with Jennifer or her parenting or views, but I don’t think that because I disagree with some things that I should have to “move on”. And I’m hoping that Jennifer is open minded enough that she would listen to others opinions. I was curious, as well, as to why she would choose to video her child having a tantrum – just seems a little odd to me, instead of dealing with it. But that’s just my opinion! I don’t think any less of Jennifer or her blog just because I question her choice! Maybe we should all be a little more tolerant of other views on the comments instead of getting so defensive on Jennifer’s behalf. She’s a big girl – she can handle differing opinions!
“She’s a big girl – she can handle differing opinions!”
See, that’s the thing, Trish, I don’t know that she can. Do you notice that she rarely acknowledges differing opinions in her comments section? She knows that her loyal followers will do it for her, so she doesn’t really need to make the effort to explain herself when someone asks her a question or puts a topic up for debate.
I said the “please leave” thing because of the fact that Marie was posting on the post about discipline and yet mentioning other posts in the comments. She seemed to me like one of those people who just go to every post and complain!! It’s annoying! I don’t always agree with MckMama 100% of the time, but when I disagree, I wouldn’t do it in a way that is rude. That’s all I’m saying. There’s ways to disagree without being rude to each other and demeaning each other.
It’s silly to think that any of my readers agree with me 100% of the time. That’s not the point of blog writing or blog reading. You’re right, Nicole. It is all in how the disagreeing is handled. The implication that other readers who do not voice their disapproval with my thoughts when they have feelings of disagreeing do “not have a mind of their own” and are “blindly following” me is quite a put down. Not everyone feels the need to search for and point out things in another blog they are unhappy with. From all I have come to know about my readers, it is simply not true that their kind words mean they can’t think for themselves. It just means they are kind. Pick on me and my ideas if you want, but I won’t stand for dialog on my blog that seeks to tear down my readers.
Not to nit pick
but as a behavior analyst I wanted to clear up what extinction really is. It’s not reinforcing a behavior that has been reinforced in the past. With kids it often is ignoring the behavior (not the kid) because the function is most often to gain attention. So by ignoring the behavior you are using extinction because you are not attending to the behavior. BUT if the function of the problem behavior is to escape and/or avoid demands, then ignoring actually reinforces the behavior. In this case extinction would be to continue to place the demand or prompt compliance.
Extinction = ignoring is prevalent in many schools and on most behavior plans that I’ve seen which is too bad because people just apply a procedure rather than having a good understanding of why behavior occurs and how to reduce it. People will then abandon it as a behavior intervention when it’s misused.
Good point! In some situations, other than the one I posted, ignoring the behavior would not be an example of extinction. It all depends on what the behavior is and why the child is exhibiting it. Agreed!
Thanks so much for sharing! I employ a lot of your techniques already but there are definitely a few that will make life easier with our MSC.
I like hearing what you have to say. Thank you for sharing!
Wait, I was so excited about possibly be the first commentor that I wasn’t finished
…I went back to read your blog about Small Fry’s tantrum and I must say, that 12 week old picture of Stellan made me smile, smile, smile!! SOOOO cute! 
Thank you for sharing those techniques! Great ideas!!