Coping mechanisms, fourth child edition.

I am usually not ever quite sure what to say when I am asked, “Oh! Four kids aged three and under? How do you do it!?” The reason I never quite know what to say probably has something to do with the fact that I am not quite sure what the asker really means by their question. Also, inherent in the question is that I do do it. And who says that I do? I do do a lot, but I don’t do it all. Whatever all of it is. I gave up trying to find that out sometime last year.

Regardless, I often find myself asking myself that same question, “How do I do it? Do whatever it is that I do, being married to Prince Charming and caring for our four small children day in and day out. And still manage to have any hair left to even pull out.

Most certainly, my thoughts on this topic could fill volumes. I don’t feel like filling volumes. I feel like typing out my thoughts to keep them from bouncing around in my brain. But I feel like being done blogging by the time Prince Charming comes back inside from shoveling tonight.

To that end, here is a condensed version of how I do it. My coping mechanisms, if you will. Expanded and revised. Fourth child edition.

Understand this first, I didn’t have a plan for how I would juggle six people’s needs on a day in and day out basis until we had four children and I had to. Flying by the seat of my pants, trying to learn from more experienced mothers along the way, I’ve had to figure stuff out. On the fly. Neccesity is the mother of invention, you know. And how I cope with my life is ever evolving.

To keep our lives flowing smoothly even when we hit bumps, happily even when there are tears, and successfully even if we have to create a new meaning of success, I employ a handful of tricks. Coping mechanisms you might call them. Little shortcuts created to assist me in living a life filled with Many Small Children and a not so small husband.

For starters, let me say that I really don’t like to waste time. I have always enjoyed being as efficient of a well-oiled machine as I can be. I like to get a lot done in a short amount of time. But lately I have come to learn that, although these are my tendencies, I do myself and my family well to loosen up a bit. So, simply because I need rest, I am now known to sleep until the very last minute (and would loaf around all day if I could get away with it). Because I desire 10 cotton pickin’ minutes to myself every once in a while as often as I can get it, I have been known to strap everyone into the car and drive around with the dvd player going. Wasting time has become okay for me, if by that wasting time I am actually gaining sanity for myself.

Yet, there are times when we do not have time to spare. There are, by any measure, a lot of very young chidren aroud here. Four, to be exact. And, I may have four children, but I still only get 24 hours each day. There are places to be, needs to meet, mouths to feed, and lessons to be learned.

So, how on earth do I do it!?

Well, let’s see. At night, each of our children gets bathed and then dressed in at least part of their outfit for the next day. The next morning? Presto! Clean clothes, already on.

Oh, and speaking of baths, I love to maximize bathtime by having learning time with our kids while they are a captive audience. Well, mostly captive, as Small Fry loves to climb in and out of the tub. I sit on a towel on the floor while the three big kids are in the tub (and, if you must know, MckMuffin is in the sling, unless Prince Charming is home and has him) and read them Bible stories and do flash cards and sing the ABC’s. They soak and get clean, and we have mini-homeschooling lessons at the same time. That, or I stay in the bathroom and clean something. Or, I just sit there and be thankful that at least the Legos have stopped flying. Or, I just sit there.

Oh, and if it’s a MOPS morning the next morning (meaning that me and all four kids need to get ready all by ourselves and get out the door at a specific time), I take things one step further. After baths night night before, I dress the kids in part of their outfits for the next morning, pack our bag, set out breakfast on the table (cold cereal or I’ll make oatmeal or grits or Red River cooked cereal in the small crockpot and leave it on overnight so that when the kids wake up and I roll out of bed, breakfast is ready and hot) and then I lay the rest of the kids’ outfits on the living room floor:

Do you see MckNugget eating breakfast in his pjs on the stool at the kitchen island? And my yellow diaper bag on the floor, packed and ready to roll? Once everyone is up, has gone to the bathroom/had their diaper changed and has eaten, I put on/assist them with putting on their clothes in assembly line fashion. I have everyone lay down on the living room floor and it’s a whirlwind as I rotate from kid to kid and back to the first kid again, getting them all ready.

Oh, and how do I do it with four kids and four carseats!? A single trip to MOPS, with one stop to pick up milk on the way home, involves me putting the kids into and out of carseats 24 times! So, we have taught our kids–at very young ages–to get into the car, up into their carseats, and out of their carseats by themselves. Big Mac can usually buckle himself in by himself and has been known to help MckNugget, too. This saves oodles of time and effort on my part. And then that’s just more time for me to drive through Taco Bell or even to arrive early at our destination!

I have also, through much practice, mastered the art of quickly and accurately tossing items to the kids in their carseats waaaay back at the back of the car while we wait at stoplights so I don’t need to make stops to hand them things that they need, like a water bottle or an apple.

Speaking of the car, I always load the kids in and out in the same order, so I am not going to this door or that and wasting time. Same with the order I put my purse and stroller into and out of the car. Same. Every time. And, when Prince Charming is with us, I always grab MckMuffin and MckNugget, while he gets Small Fry and Big Mac.

I also store some diapers and wipes in almost every single room of the entire house, as well as in the car. So handy. And when I clip one person’s fingernails, I clip everyone’s. Goodness, if I staggered all 100 nails I am responsible for clipping, I’d have to clip every day!

Another thing that helps our family run smoothly–er, sometimes smoothly–is that out of necessity our children have become really independent. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE doing things with our kids. In fact, I am with them at almost all times, getting down on the floor with them, reading to them, doing flashcards, singing…but I also value independence in our children. For their sake…and mine! Our children are given the chance to figure stuff out on their own a lot. Like, when we go to a park, they figure out how to manuevre over the equipment. How to get on their boots. How to zip their sweater. How to climb off the toilet. How to warm up oatmeal on the stove. (Joking, joking. But I had you for a second on that last one, didn’t I!?) But, seriously, independence is key in the MckHousehold.

Another way I do it is by picking up as we go. Once clutter, dishes, toys, papers get all over our house, it’s a daunting task to get everything cleaned up. Besides, living in a messy house stresses me out. I try to balance picking up as we go with letting go of my desire for our house to always be in order, though. I don’t want to be a slave to cleaning, nor do I want to wade through toys, shoes and Cheerios on the floor of the kitchen. Our MSC are required to put away the set of toys they were playing with before moving on when playing in a communal area, but can keep their own bedrooms as messy as they’d like. Having the Queen Mum here to be our laundry fairy has certainly lightened my housework load, too!

And, once the kids are in bed for the night, that is it! I refuse, then, to do ANY MORE WORK at all. Period. I sit, visit with my husband, drink hot cocoa, blog, read, watch movies in bed with Prince Charming, and don’t pick up one single solitary other thing. Picking up happens as we go during the day, or when Prince Charming and I tag-team it in the early evenings, or it doesn’t happen at all. But nights….nights are for me and my husband. Not for picking up! Our children-free time is sacred to us and washing dishes ain’t sacred!!

Hmm, what else? I brush the kids’ hair while they sit at the table. Now during the winter, I also put their boots and coats on while they are still sitting up at the breakfast stools, if we have somewhere to be in the morning.

And, if the place we have to go in the morning is, say, Target, I remind the kids of the One Finger Rule. It can’t be only our kids who LOVE to touch things at stores. And, left untamed, this behavior can make shopping without a stroller challenging. Sure, there are shopping carts, but 1/2 of the kids take up that space, which usually leaves two walking. The One Finger Rule really helps us when we are shopping. Our MSC are allowed to touch (almost) anything they want when we are out. But just with one finger. It’s not “Don’t touch!” It’s, “You may touch that bag of cookies on the shelf with one finger, MckNugget.” It really works! They get the curiosity out of their system, get to see what things feel like, don’t feel surpressed, and also I am not left with the job of re-stocking the shelves!

All these tricks are well and good. However, truly controlling every single move our children make, controlling the clutter in our home, controlling what the children eat and what they wear and what words they are allowed to say….all that is not ultimately possible. Nor is it, as I am learning, even desirable. One of the very best gifts I give myself and my family, no matter what on earth is going on, is to stay calm. And not to sweat the small stuff. Heck, to not even sweat the medium stuff.

Staying calm. As a mother, I determine to be patient. Even keeled. Even in the face of naked table-scaling toddlers, broccoli throwing babies, urine soaked pants in public (theirs, not mine, at least usually), missing shoes and blankets and stuffed doggies, and dying llama hissy fits in the middle of the public square, I just stay calm. I find that if I pretend that it doesn’t bother me that my normally-compliant three year old is needing to be dragged kicking and crying out of his Sunday school classroom because he doesn’t want to leave, then it truly doesn’t bother me. I can lie myself down from the edge of insanity. “It’s okay, MckMama,” I use great self-talk. “This doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.” And then I really start to feel calm on the inside as well. Besides, other people have kids, they understand that sometimes children just cough so hard that they vomit at the McDonald’s Playplace. And even if they don’t understand, who cares. Calm. Relaxed. Even when pushing a 78-pound stroller laden with whiny children and spitup through a snow-covered parking lot as we left the Community Center this morning. I find that if I stay calm, I can do it without pulling my hair out. And my calmness rubs off on the children. It’s lovely.

Except when it’s not. And, for those times, there is forgiveness. God always forgives my shortcomings as a mother and I can learn to forgive myself, too. Because, as calm a mama as I truly am, there ain’t no way I’m perfect or calm all the time.

Oh, and here’s the biggie I will close with: As helpful as all of these coping mechanisms are for me as I navigate through my days filled with Many Small Children and their Many Large Needs, there is one not yet listed that takes the cake. I am learning to put my husband first in all things. You know the phrase, “When Mama ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy”? I find a similar truth holds in regards to my husband.

When I work hard to decide to put Prince Charming first, no matter what my feelings towards him at the time are, other details of our busy, crazy family life fall into place much more smoothly.

I recently read a great book called The 7 Worst Things (Good) Parents Do by John and Linda Friel in which they list one of the worst mistakes as putting our kids first and our marriage last. I am the first to admit that I fell prey to that mistake early in our child-rearing years (you know, like three years ago). I am coming to be able to call out that lie, that putting our kids first is best for our family.

Putting my husband first has been a much better choice for me.

I hesitate to say that our lives are happier when I am not putting our kids first in my life but instead reserve that spot for my husband. It’s true, for the most part, though; happiness does abound when I submit to the way my husband would like things done, fall under his authority and lavish love and respect upon him. I just hesitated to mention happiness because I am coming to–slowly–understand that happiness ought not be the goal of marriage and family.

Neither my husband nor my children, neither my clean kitchen nor my painted fingernails can truly make me happy.

A book that Prince Charming and I are reading together called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas has the tagline, “What if marriage were meant to make us holy instead of happy?” It’s been intriguing to look at marriage–and at life at large–that way, while, at the same time, to learn to keep putting Prince Charming first, and watch our lives reap the benefits.

So there you have it: putting my husband and his needs and desires first and laying our our MSC’s clothes on the night before MOPS. Oh, and a whole heckofalotta other coping mechanisms that won’t matter in eternity. That, my friends, is how I am learning to do it!