It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

“Mama, if Small Fry starts crawling over by a really deep hole, you hafta go get her, okay?”

My sweet 10-month old daughter was fast asleep in her crib in my closet tonight by the time Big Mac, in all seriousness, asked me this. So, I figured he was just being hypothetical.

“Of course, Sweetie. We would move Small Fry away from a really deep hole if she were crawling toward one.”

“Yeah, we would hafta help her, an’ hold her like this (he simulates holding Small Fry with his hands), so she wouldn’t fall.”

“Yup.”

“I don’t want to fall in a really deep hole, Mama.”

“Well, Sweetheart, I don’t think you will. You are usually very careful when you walk. Plus, I would never let you fall into a really deep hole. You don’t need to worry about that.”

A long pause ensues, during which Big Mac sits pensively on the toilet. (We were in the bathroom as I had been brushing his teeth.) Finally, he speaks.

“Mama, we always hafta obey God, right? We hafta do what He asks us to do?”

“That’s right, Sweetie! Can you hand me your toothbrush?” I assumed he had moved past the whole really deep hole thing, whatever that was all about, and was approaching a new topic.

I assumed wrong.

“Well, then, what would I do if God asked me to fall into a really deep hole, Mama? Would He ask me to do that? Would I hafta obey? Would it be scary? Would I get hurt?”

It honestly took me a few moments to come up with a suitable response for my deep-thinking firstborn. As I type this, I am still in awe that his young mind could wrap itself enough around such a principle to even be able to ask those questions.

And what a principle it is.

You see, I have spent my entire life up till now avoiding really deep holes. I steered clear of them when I saw them and made a practice of not even bothering going where I assumed they might be. If I can just avoid really big holes, I can nullify the risk that I might ever fall into one. Because, let’s face it, falling into a really big hole would be scary. And it would hurt.

However, try as I might, I could not avoid what happened to me recently. It was exactly as Big Mac had wondered. God asked me to fall into a really deep hole. And is has been scary. And it has hurt.

It would surely seem obvious for me to state that the really deep hole has been that of being asked to trust God with my unborn son’s very life. To trust in Him and to be able to proclaim His goodness, even while I lay alone in a hospital bed, having been told that my baby would die.

And believe you me, that has been tough. To hold fast to Jesus, even as He told me that He could not guarantee that Stellan would make it to my arms alive. To trust Him when He said that He had a plan for me, but that I would not be told what it was. To believe Him when He told me that everything would be alright–even if that didn’t mean what the world thinks it means. To keep His praises on my lips even as my son’s life hung in the balance.

That was tough. That still is tough. And it represents a huge part of the really deep hole God has asked me to fall into.

But that is not all there is to the journey I have been walking, to the really deep hole I have been plummeting into. What has happened with Stellan has shaken me to the very core. It has affected more than just the way I feel about my baby. The aftershocks are resounding in all areas of my life. I will be honest here: God has been showing me that He has been unsatisfied with me. He is wanting to do a great work in my life. He has been wanting to affect monumental change in me. It took a whole lot to get my attention, but now He finally has it.

And it feels like the best of times, but is also feels like the worst of times.

How marvelous to be held so closely by God at this time in my life!! It is the best feeling. I have never even dared imagine a peace like what has washed over me daily for over a month now. There is a calmness to me that I know is not my own. Communing with God on such an intimate level, having Him work in my life–it makes me feel so special! So cared for. So safe. So loved.

Yet, at the very same time, it is the worst feeling, this being asked to fall into a really deep hole. My world is spinning around me, as God seeks to rip away layer after layer of the self- absorption I had so carefully wrapped myself in. He has been unsatisfied with how much of myself I have kept to myself. He has wanted to teach me something.

That this life is not about me. It is about Him. And that is that.

Let me be the first to tell you that it hurts, being brought to my knees so swiftly like this. I am at the same time humbled that God chose me to carry sweet Stellan, overwhelmed that He is asking me to examine my level of commitment to Him, and burdened by the number of things in my life that have been heading south.

Do not think for one moment that having a sick son has been easy on my marriage. I tell you, it has not. God has opened my eyes to the blinding reality of my lack of obedience to Him, in numerous areas of my life, my marriage included. I am by no means saying that what happened with Stellan is a punishment for my disobedience. Quite the contrary! It is a beautiful gift that God gave me, to cause me to be overcome with a desire to live only for God, and not for myself. But it has equally been a stress on me. And it has been a stress on my husband. And two spouses, falling down a really deep hole, do not often make a thriving married couple. At least, not in our case. At least, not for the time being.

But choosing, as I did in the past, to only trust God partly has brought its consequences. And, quite frankly, they suck. By choosing myself over Prince Charming in areas of our marriage, I have allowed quite a bit of damage to be wrought. This grand experience with Stellan has been teaching me so much, in the most painful of ways. And I am emerging a different woman–a better woman. It will not be easy, though, to make it through all this with my marriage intact. But I do firmly believe, that by the grace of God, my husband and I will make it. And, hear me on this: When we do make it, it will only be by the skin of our teeth. And it will only be because God held onto us for dear life. And not vice versa.

And it will be so that God gets the glory, not either of us.

I have never like to blow smoke and I don’t intend to start now. I would deserve no bravado for only showing the shiny, happy sides of my life. Do I sometimes put on my brave face? Sure. Do things feel good in my life now sometimes? Absolutely! Stellan is getting better and that brings a smile to my face. I can speak about, and blog about, the best of times in my life right now.

I just didn’t want to go one more minute without sharing the difficult fact that these are also the worst of times. Being asked to fall into a really deep hole and to change your untrusting ways is like that, I guess.

But since God is the one asking me to fall, what can I do but trust Him to keep me safe? I know I will continue to be “troubled on every side, yet not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) And that gives me great hope.

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. And I can truthfully say, as painful as this is, I am thankful that God has asked me to fall into a really deep hole. For, in my self-discovering, He is changing me; in my grief, He is holding me; in my looking to Him, he is molding me; and in my falling, He is catching me.

And I will never be the same.