“Oh, I can’t believe you get out so much with all of your small children. They are so well behaved. And believe me, I see a lots of kids. It always brings a smile to my face when you four walk in.” Such beautiful compliments, like this one I got from the lady who runs the cafeteria at our community center (where my MSC and I ate lunch today after swimming the morning away in the Splash Pad), make me feel so proud.
But don’t get me wrong: I am certain that, equally as often, people in public turn their heads away from my children when they are acting like hooligans, which they are certainly prone to do.
Therefore, on my mind lately has been one of the parenting tricks I have up my sleeve: extinction.
I cannot simply fly by the seat of my pants when it comes to parenting. I have too many children and they are too young for me to risk just winging it. I am severely outnumbered and the numbers are not going to be in my favor anytime soon. Or, like, ever. Therefore, there are areas in which I must be deliberate. In which I must plan my course of attack when it comes to battles with my children.
And, in this case, I sometimes make a concerted effort to plan to ignore my children. That’s right. And it’s called extinction.
I didn’t learn about this technique in any book on parenting; instead, when I studied education in college, I learned extinction as an educational technique. In reference to classroom management, to be more specific.
Extinction is the deliberate ignoring of a behavior that you wish to eliminate in another.
Let’s take a look at how this might play out in a child-rearing situation. Say, for example, (and this is from totally out in left field since a situation like this would never, ever happen…not in my household!!!) that MckNugget is throwing a dying-llama style tantrum on the living room floor, deliberately to get my attention. Having had his will subverted by mine, and learning that he will not, in fact, be allowed to run outdoors in his birthday suit and play in the sandbox directly after bathtime, he melts down, glancing at me every few moments to make sure I see how much agony he is in.
Now, remember, it’s not like this would ever happen in my house. My children walk the straight and narrow and would never be caught behaving this atrociously. Ahem.
But if, for example, I was faced with this situation, I might be inclined to institute some extinction. By going about my merry way and completely ignoring MckNugget’s antics, I would be teaching him that behavior of that sorts will not get him what he wants. And what he wants is attention. When he is ready to calm down and tell me–with his words and not in a way that involves a dying animal of any sorts–what is making him so upset, I will be glad to forgo the extinction. But, in the meantime, I would probably just altogether ignore his behavior.
Using extinction effectively takes a level of commitment to be sure. You can’t ignore for a while, and then when your child gets really, really, reeeeeally whiny, bend down to them and say, calmly, “You need to knock that off!” That would be, in fact, worse than never ignoring their behavior in the first place. Your child would learn, in that situation, that if the keep up long enough, and up the ante enough, you will eventually respond. They will win. This is most decidedly not the message that I want to send to my children!
Certainly, there are times when extinction is not called for and an urgent non-ignoring of a dangerous situation is in order. However, when used in the right situation, this technique is a life saver.
There are so many benefits to using extinction with our children’s inappropriate behavior, that I won’t take the time to outline each. For one, though, I do know it really helps me to stay calm. To engage in a conversation about my child’s behavior is likely to elicit some kind of a defensive response from them. And going back and forth with a whole lotta “But, Mama”‘s is not the way I want to spend my afternoons. And doing so is also likely to get me agitated. But to ignore some inappropriate behavior completely (especially when the child is not being destructive, hurtful, defiant, etc.), helps me keep my cool. And keep my arsenal full for a real battle.
Using extinction also helps children learn that they are not in control of another person’s behavior. Once I decide to ignore one of my children’s antics, I am in it for the long haul and I will continue to ignore it. By not giving in and offering the offending child my attention, I am teaching him that he cannot control me.
The only people our children should be able to control are themselves. And, to teach my children that lesson is a part of the puzzle of raising responsible, respectful adults, who behave right because they want to and who take responsibility for their own actions.
What is the one behavior in your child(ren) that you would most like to see become extinct??
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