…click the photo to find out!
just some sentences
February 20, 2012
Am I the only one whose cats make this soft, quiet squeeze box sound when they jump? Or, better said, when they land? Kitty especially does that. It’s so wild.
When the big boys are at school, Small Fry and Stellan still really want to do “school things” at home. Today Stellan insisted that I put his lunch into this (Spiderman) backpack and then he could take it out and eat it at the dining room table. Small Fry is really into reading and writing. She has been for many months; the thing she loves so far about school is learning. She wants me to make “learning sheets” for her at home constantly. In between coloring and painting, she made this the other day:
If you ask Stellan what his favorite things about school are, he will always tell you, “I get to eat” and “I like my teacher because she lets us play outside.” The big boys love school, too. Nuggey is in Kindergarten and Big Mac is in first grade. The boys are able to see each other a few times a day, which they both tell me they enjoy. Meeting new friends has been Nuggey’s highlight so far, as well as playing with the giant parachute in the gym. I always loved doing that! Big Mac loves homework. I must say I’m not surprised. I did make him re-do a worksheet he did in school and brought home graded tonight, even though he had gotten all of the answers correct. His penmanship was not what I knew it could be. He re-did it happily, and we had a talk about taking time to do our writing and that he didn’t need to rush or be the first one finished with his worksheets at school.
I’ve been still struggling with this cold and have been so tired in the afternoons. Sleepy, really. So tomorrow I’m going back on my natural energy and metabolism boosting supplements. I lost six pounds the last week I used them and was full of energy. It’s time to get my head back in the game!
Finally want to hand your point and shoot down to your daughter and get a big girl SLR camera for yourself? If you are, and you want to save $50-$476 on one, just check out the sale right here. I’ve been feeling fine as far as my accident. My bumps and bruises and gut feel just fine now. Still my left foot (mostly the left side of my left foot) is numb. I’m seeing the doctor this week and hopefully a chiropractor, too.
One of my closest friends had a sweet baby boy the other day. Nuggey and Big Mac had to do swim tests at the pool on Sunday before they could swim in the deep end. To my surprise, both of them could swim the entire length of the lap pool without touching or stopping and then tread water for 30 seconds. Well, my day as a solo mother is done. There are still cereal bar wrappers all over the kitchen floor and laundry bulging out into the hall, but I am on a mattress on the floor of my room surrounded by children in blankets and sheets sleeping in the nest we’ve created all around my bed. They went to bed with smiles on their faces, full tummies and with mommy stroking their hair and saying prayers over them. I think that counts as a good end to our day.
Goodnight.
I found something on my hip
February 19, 2012
If you’ve been reading my blog for at least, say, 18 months, then you may remember how absolutely smitten I was with Lachlan when he was a newborn. I enjoyed, savored, reveled in and cherished every single moment of his babyhood. I was so very much more present when our fifth child was a baby than I was when we just had one squinchy faced bundle. It was wonderful. I breathed him in body and soul; it was beautiful.
I am close to all of my children in their own unique ways, many ways each, as a matter of fact. But Lachlan has been my baby for 18 months now. He grew out of the blissful newborn stage I had with him. But he’s still special. He’s my littlest boy. He is the most laid back baby of any of our five. He’s often on my hip when out in public, wandering around the house doing his thing when we’re home.
But this past week?
It was like firecrackers boomed for the first time in ages, announcing an amazing new love. The earth was fragrant like after a sweet rain. My baby, my special beloved wonderful toddling baby who has been my joy for a year and a half now bloomed and burst into something new. Or, at least, I became aware of what he had become for the first time.
My special sidekick.
With all four of the big kids off to school, it was just me and Lachlan. And suddenly, he was ever so much more alive to me. Had I never noticed how much he talked before? Or did he not talk because he couldn’t get a word in edgewise? Out the window went all the things I was going to do this past week. I just basked in the glory of this newfound deepening relationship with sweet, unique, giggly Lachlan.
There was no way I could hold his hand and take the time to cross the parking lot (rather than tossing him to my hip and hustling with all the other kids in order) and not have my mind drawn back to when it was just me and Kieran. My first born and Mommy. We did everything together. I didn’t leave his side, didn’t miss one single time putting him down for a nap, was always with him until the day I went to the hospital to deliver his first little brother. We were a unit, he and I, and it was special. It was a unique bond that still exists between the two of us.
There are special bonds I have with the other children, too. And with Lachlan, or so I thought. But little did I know there was a very tangible realization that he is a little person who already loves me so much and who I need so much that would come to me during the very first week of following through on a very hard decision for me: putting his siblings in school.
There is joy to be found around every corner if we look. And last week, I found a bright, beautiful, blue eyed piece of joy right on my hip.
different same
February 18, 2012
house
same…
(Click continue reading to see the entire post.)
cling
February 17, 2012
This afternoon I texted my friend Sarah, who has walked crappy marriage circumstances, separations and reconciliations in a lather, rinse, repeat fashion in her own marriage, and told her I wasn’t going to do it. I couldn’t choose to love my husband. I was so proud of her for choosing to stay the course in her own marriage when her husband left her, but I wasn’t strong enough to do that myself. And so I told her as much.
I knew what she was going to say. And I needed to hear it. You see, that’s why I wrote her in the first place.
“That’s great,” she responded. “You don’t have to have the strength. It’s God who has the strength, remember?”
Yes, I certainly did.
It’s with a renewed determination that I have chosen to give up my right to be mad, seek revenge, try to get what’s fair and to pout. That’s right. I’m going to choose to keep loving my husband, even though I honestly don’t really feel like it a whole lot these days. What does that mean, exactly? How do I love him when I’m living away from him, not seeing or speaking to him at all?
Well, God has been speaking to my heart through His word, through music and through friends of mine like Sami who are bold enough to tell me the truth when they think I need to hear it. He’s made a few things clear to me. Painfully clear. I mean that very literally, for I fear this will be painful, this continuig to love my husband. I believe with all of my being, even though my flesh is trying so hard to convince me otherwise, that a few things are true. And here, in no particular order, they are.
1. I am not supposed to divorce my husband.
It’s this simple: God hates divorce. He also hates my sin, including those that led to my husband feeling so hurt and distant from me that he chose to leave. I must leave my sin behind, or at least fight it kicking and screaming until the day I die and I am at last completely free from its shackles, and I must not divorce my husband. I don’t believe I have a Biblical right to do that right now and, even though on my difficult nights many fibers of my very being (not all of them, for there are a few strong ones left) ache for me to do just that, I am committing that I won’t do it right now. Not because that it is not my desire to file divorce papers, but because I don’t believe I should.
2. My respect for my husband should’t hinge on how respectable he is being.
This is one hard for me, friends. So freaking hard. I have failed at this. Miserably. Throughout most of our marriage, this has been my one hugest failing. I have kept a tight, blood drawing death grip on my perceived right to not honor my husband when he is not acting honorably. And now, with him having chosen to leave us, seeing the children only once in the past four weeks or so and only then by happenstance, it would be so easy (so amazingly easy, trust me here) to choose a path of disrespect and dishonor towards my husband during this season in our lives. I believe is acting reprehensibly. Utterly. But I hear God, when I’m willing to back down from my bull-headed stubbornness and pride for a moment, telling me that He doesn’t love me only when I’m being lovable. And, while of course I’m not God and cannot ever lost as perfectly as He can, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. Every single day of my life. So, I will. After all, what kind of a man leaves his family and doesn’t even communicate with his children for a while? I’ll tell you what kind: A very hurting man who must be in a terrible place in his life. What should I do knowing that my husband is feeling so hurt and miserable so as to do something like this that is so out of character for him? Well, I could tell you what I want to do sometimes. It involves demanding he get his act together, screaming obscenities at him and letting him know how utterly selfish he is being and what damage he is bringing to our family. And I won’t say I haven’t done any of that. I have. And it wasn’t pretty. But I know that God is telling me that isn’t the path I should stay on. If he is hurting this badly, my husband needs more love and respect. The fact that he is acting this poorly means I need to step up my game, not kick him while he’s down. It also means I have a very serious need to examine exactly what kind of a wife I have been to him. So, dadgumit, I’m going to try. And I’m typing this out as a pep talk to myself, because after these past couple days, I couldn’t feel any less like doing that.
3. Anger, resentment and bitterness will eat me alive if I let them.
Those emotions are hungry little sons of you-know-what. They will eat me alive, I can already tell. I won’t let them. I can’t. My children don’t need a bitter, angry, resentful mother. Plus, Dr. R, our marriage counselor, has long told us that couples need to work out their unforgiveness and resentment issues with each other even if they do get divorced. Forgiveness isn’t a gift for the perpetrator: it’s for ourselves. And even if my husband and I divorced, I would still eventually need to forgive him, for myself if nothing else. So since I have to walk the difficult road of forgiveness either way, I figure I may as well do it now. To that end, I have been trying so hard to only speak positively about my husband, at least on my blog and in front of my children. A lot of you have been encouraging me to that end, sharing your own stories, and I’m pretty sure you guys are right.
4. I won’t define my husband by his worst behavior.
My friend Sarah was the one who reminded me that we don’t want to be defined by our actions during our lowest points, do we? I know I sure don’t. So even though I am tempted to think of my husband as a scumbag who has left us in the lurch, I know it is just not right to do that. If I were defined by my worst behavior, I’d be a chair throwing, police calling, divorce threatening, deliberately agitating, name calling, disrespectful lunatic. I would like to not think of myself as how I have acted in my darkest moments. I am so much more than that. And, of course, so is my husband. He is a good man, he loves the Lord, he adores his children, he has a good heart. Those are the things I know to be true about him. He is loved, forgiven, valued and cherished by God. He should be cared for the same way by me. So I’m not going to define him by his worst behavior. And I’d like to ask you not to do that, either. At least not “out loud” in the comments on my blog. I don’t believe it will help one bit with what I hope will be our soon to commence restoration process.
5. I’m trying to ignore his protests and assertions.
Our counselor, with whom I still meet regularly, gave me a copy of this article many months ago. Lots of you sent the link to it along to me recently as well when I blogged about my separation from my husband. MckDaddy has ignored my crazy protests and inane assertions before. Okay, none have been quite this longstanding, but still. I’m trying to ignore his. You should really read that article. It’s great.
6. I’m the problem, too.
Okay, okay. So I don’t think God wants me to focus on the fact that I’m the problem. Our eyes shouldn’t be on our actual problems ever anyway but instead on the prize, on the victory, on the end we know is coming. But I struggle with this. Yes, here is where I still need the most work. I can go through the motions, giving lip service to the fact that I admit I’m the problem in our marriage, too. But it’s hard for me to truly believe it in my own heart. It’s difficult because my stinking pride usually won’t let me see anything except a little glimpse of this truth. But it is true, and I must rip the veil completely off of this principal. I am the problem, too. While my husband needs to own his reaction to me and my behavior, for I can’t be responsible for “making” him act in any way, I have known full well that some of my terribly annoying, intense behaviors were causing distance to remain between me and my husband. Yet I held fast to them, as they brought me a familiar sense of comfort and control, even as I saw them gnawing away at my husband’s capacity to keep loving me. Yes, his love for me is a choice. But I definitely didn’t do what I needed to do on my end to make loving me easier. Yes, I’m the problem, too.
And so there you have it. I am choosing not to even consider divorcing my husband at this point, am determined to respect him even during this season of disrespect from him, anger and bitterness are not welcome in my heart, my husband is so much more than the sum of his worst behaviors, as much as I can while daily being confronted with the reality of being a solo parent I’m ignoring his claims that he doesn’t want to be in our family, and I’m acknowledging and trying to dig deep into the fact that I’m the problem, too.
Like it or not (and some days I don’t), these are some of the things I think are true. I’m determined to cling to them. Feel free to join me in positive talk about my husband (and about me), in the sharing of God’s truth and in hope for restoration of my family and marriage. Should you not be on that same page, I ask you to please respectfully choose to share only what is noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable.
Thank you for listening and for being a (unique!) part of my life.
in which I admit to gaining some weight back
February 17, 2012
I know the number isn’t supposed to motivate me. My very ample muffin top shouldn’t propel me, either. I know I’m supposed to only focus on being healthy and on doing the best I can.
But I’m not going to lie. The number on the scale, the way my clothes fit, how big my tummy is…these are all motivators, too.
So I have a new goal. By the end of February, I would like to lose those 6 pounds. I know I can do it. I know I should do it. And? I know I will do it.
In case you didn’t already know, February is National Heart Health month. Whether your goal be to lose 6 pounds, eat less saturated fat or walk just five minutes more a day, we can all strive towards something.
Oh, and we can all strive towards a $750 cash prize, too! How?
1.Share the challenge with your friends
2.Tell us that you’ve invited your friends to join the challenge AND share the extra step you’ll take to stay fit below.
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Quaker Oats Company. The opinions and text are all mine. Official Sweepstakes Rules.
Set ‘em high.
February 16, 2012
I just wanted to give you a little bit of encouragement.
Know that with practice, you too can capture photographs of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys in midair.
Set your aspirations high, people. Set ‘em high.
Getting back in the saddle.
February 16, 2012
At the beginning of December, I started to eat better and began to exercise regularly for the first time in years. Everything was going great. Swimmingly. I lost around 30 pounds.
And then.
I injured my knees, sidelining me for a bit. My husband and I separated. Our Many Small Children and I moved to a new house. Life has been very literally turned upside down for me.
And so.
I needed help getting back on track again with my eating and exercising. And I think I found it. I joined the Quaker Heart Healthy Challenge and am committing to exercise 15 times in the next 30 days.
All four of the big kids are at school again today. Getting out of the house and finding our rhythm in the morning has been slowly coming together. He and I went to the gym and worked out already. Well, he played. I exercised. One down, just 14 more to go!
Getting back in the saddle with where I was a month ago is vital for me. More than ever now, with the whole I’m a solo parent for the time being thing, I need to feed my body well and keep it healthy and energized. The Quaker Heart Health Challenge is a tool I’m going to use to track my workouts this month and keep getting my body healthy. Oh and also I could win $750. Bonus.
Want to join in, get healthy, keep track of your workouts and try to win the $750 prize yourself?
Here is what you need to do:
1.Share the Challenge with your friends
2.Tell us that you’ve invited your friends to join the Challenge and share what motivates you to stay healthy below.
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Quaker Oats Company. The opinions and text are all mine. Official Sweepstakes Rules.
my how things change
February 15, 2012
Before I was a mother:
“My children will only play with wooden toys.”
“Pacifiers are a no-no.”
“The only caloric intake my children have will be from the highest quality organic morsels.”
“It’s cloth diapers or nothing at all.”
“Let’s get rid of our microwave.”
“If we have a girl, she will never wear lipgloss or have her nails painted until she’s out of elementary school.”
“Take your elbows off the table.”
“Videos rot the brain.”
As the mom of a couple children:
“Surely just a little Curious George can’t hurt.”
“Let’s just try to use our microwave less.”
“As long as you give it up by the time you’re two, you can have a bottle. Sippy cups are a marketing ploy and have no place in our home.”
“I will never buy shirts with commercialized children’s characters on them.”
“It’s cloth diapers at home, disposables when we go out.”
“Why would you send your kids to preschool if you didn’t need to?”
“Take your feet off the table.”
As a mother with five children:
“Here, have another graham cracker.”
“Thank goodness someone invented the microwave.”
“I wonder if I could get some money for these cloth diapers if I sold them?”
“Put your Hello Kitty shirt on and bring me the polish, I’ll paint your nails before we turn on Dora.”
“Get your dirty feet and your bare naked bottom off the stinkin’ table right now!!!”
“Here, have another graham cracker.”
My how things change.
